[Cut back to the arena.]
JC: Seriously Duke, I never want to have to do that again.
ID: I know, but it's done and over with. You did what you had to.
JC: Yeah... Alright Duke, it's time for the match we've been waiting for all night.
ID: All night Jesse? I've been waiting for it for bloody two months now. Even though Karl Brown won't be here to defend his title or Britannia, I still get goosebumps thinking about this tournament and this trophy.
JC: What hyperbole. Folks, the Iron Duke doing my job for me!
ID: Oh sod off.
JC: You know you love me, Duke, but tonight is not a night for love.
ID: Despite us being in a facility where there's a bloody dildo in every square meter.
JC: That's at least forty dildoes every acre, Duke. You'd do well to remember that. And that's lust. In that ring, there will be no love between our two finalists. Dan Ryan, Ulysis Solian, two men who took different paths to get here. Ryan mostly took on competition foreign to him, guys he'd never faced before like Hoyt Williams and Fusenshoff, and he got more than a run for his money. Watching his matches throughout, you'd never think for one second he was the first seed overall in this tournament.
ID: What, and Solian had a bloody easy path?
JC: Of course he didn't Duke. Solian had to fight and claw his way here, but he did so against some familiar folks, guys like Larry Tact and Shawn Hart. Solian also wasn't as lauded as Dan Ryan. He only garnered a five seed in his bracket.
ID: Yes, but he bloody well looked like a number one.
JC: Indeed he did, Duke. This ought to be a great match, and a dream match for those who've been following the FW Central circuit over the last decade or so. Five years ago, any promoter around these parts would have given their left arm to have Suicide versus Dan Ryan as the main event for their event.
ID: I don't mean to correct you, Jesse, but if Solian heard you refer to him as Suicide now, he'd rip your sodding tongue out.
JC: Hey, he can't change who he was five years ago, no matter how much he wants to forget it. It's still a part of who he is, and tonight, he gets to add another piece to that puzzle. I'm telling you, this match is going to be electric. I can feel it.
ID: I can too. So much so that I advised my uncle not to bet on this match. I couldn't advise him on a winner.
JC: Yeah sure Duke.
[The old school mic drops from the ceiling at the Yorilove.com Palace of Dildos Casino and Hotel ring area. Marvin Darling, dressed to the hilt, grabs it and puts it to his mouth.]
MD: This match is scheduled for one fall an' has no time limit. It is thuh final match in thuh TEAM Invitational Tournament an' is for thuh Chad Merritt Trophy!
[Crowd pop.]
MD: Introducin' first...
[Maynard James Keenan and the fans chime in with the opening words to "The Pot."]
CROWD: Who are you to wave your finger.... [trailing off]
[Solian enters to a mixed greeting; there are no faces and heels in this match, just fans rooting for their favorite wrestler.]
MD: ...from Ponce, Puerto Rico, weighin' in at two-hundred, thirty-seven pounds... he is thuh Boston Regional Champion and Rasslin's Guiltiest Pleasure... Ulysis... SOOOOOOLLLLIAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!
[Solian stalks to the ring.]
JC: There's a man possessed, Duke. He's gone on one of the great runs in wrestling history.
ID: Yes, all these idiots who keep bringing up the past are missing out on a bloody hellacious competitor in the here and now.
JC: That's true Duke, and he's not the Legacy of Champions Relentless Champion for nothing.
[Solian hops in the ring and takes off his shirt. He awaits his opponent.]
MD: And his opponent...
[Cue up the familiar riff of "Zero." Dan Ryan bursts out of the back to a mixed reaction as his career highlights flash by on the Dildotron.]
MD: ...from Houston, Texas, weighin' in at a healthy three-hundred thirty-three pounds, he is the Ego Buster and the Mexico City Regional Champion... Dan... RYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAANNN!!
[Ryan heads to the ring, purpose on his face.]
JC: Ryan heading to the ring, knowing last year he let this opportunity slip away from him. He knows he has it right in his grasp this year.
ID: You act as if he fought valiantly in defeat last year. The bugger didn't even show the bloody hell up!
JC: Hey, it was an unfortunate circumstance last year, whether he showed up or not. Cut him a break. He wrestles in five different promotions and runs his own...
ID: Don't you mean used to run his own.
JC: Okay, at the time he ran it. Still though...
[Ryan pops in the ring and heads right to the middle of the ring. He and Solian stare each other down as TEAM head official Kevin Bates reads them the riot act.]
JC: Tall order for Kevin Bates here. Quite possibly the biggest match he's ever officiated.
ID: Only you would make an angle out of the official, you hack.
JC: Hey... shut up.
[DING DING DING!]
JC: And the match is underway! These two warriors still haven't taken their eyes off each other.
ID: It's that electricity you spoke of earlier, Jesse. They feel it too.
JC: They do, and they know what's on the line here. A chance at immortality.
[Ryan and Solian begin flinging insults at each other.]
JC: ...a chance to live on in the annals of wrestling history as one of the all-time greats.
ID: My word, they both seem to have their knickers in a twist about something.
JC: It's the tension, the desire, everything on the line here...
[Solian winds up and cracks Ryan across the face. Ryan feels his jaw, spits out and then stares a hole right into Solian before he returns fire.]
JC: AND IT'S JUST BEEN CUT! Solian opens and Ryan retaliates... now Solian, Ryan, Solian, Ryan, Solian, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan's got Solian staggering back, Ryan throwing those overhand chops like bombs on Solian's chest... NO! Solian blocks.
[Solian slips underneath another Ryan overhand.]
JC: Solian quick like the fox, and a school boy! Ryan kicks out before Bates can count one, and both men are back to their feet.
[Both men stare at each other momentarily as the Vegas crowd pops for the frenetic open of the match.]
ID: Now that's what I bloody call an opening sequence!
JC: You're not kidding Duke, and they're at it again! Ryan right hand, Solian under it and tackles the Ego Buster right into the ropes. Ryan just shrugs him off, stomp... no! He catches canvas and Solian rolls right into a neutral corner.
[Solian up again, crowd pops again.]
ID: Bloody hell, Jesse, this isn't boxing, every corner is neutral!
JC: Oh just shove it for one night Duke, alright?
ID: Not bloody likely.
JC: Ryan and Solian again are up and this crowd is rabid to see each of these men tear each other apart.
[Ryan and Solian line up to grapple.]
JC: Collar and el... no! Solian just pulled away at the last second and Ryan stumbles forward... LARIATOOO!
ID: Bloody wanker, I hate it when you do that!
JC: Oh pipe down. Solian outfoxing Ryan here, who outweighs him by about a hundred pounds. [Ryan up] Now Ryan lunges for Solian and the Prodigal Son ducks and a roll up... Not even a one count! Ryan still too fresh for anything to come of that. Ryan's back up again, but a bit slower this time, and he's wasting no time with a lariat... no! Solian ducked it and Ryan goes tumbling forward!
ID: What a lummox!
JC: This is not usual for him! He's among the most agile big men in this sport!
[*CRACK!* Solian with a dropkick right to the back of Ryan's head.]
ID: BEGORRAH!
JC: GOOD GOD! Ulysis Solian with the ELEVATION! And Dan Ryan stumbles right out of the ring!
ID: This is bloody surprising!
JC: To you maybe, to a lot of people, but don't sleep on Solian. He's a legend around these parts.
[Ryan back up outside the ring and collects himself. Ref counts one... two...]
ID: No, Suicide is. And Suicide's dead, Jesse. Hasn't Solian gotten that in your head yet?
[...three...]
JC: He may not be Suicide now, but that's inexorably part of his history, Duke. He has to accept it, or else he'll get a lot of grief from people who remember him as such.
[...four... five...]
JC: Ryan decides five is enough and he's back into the fire. Ryan and Solian circling each other, and Ryan AGAIN with the clothesline...
ID: NO Jesse! Don't speak so soon!
JC: Ryan stopped short! Solian ducks, but Ryan hops back...
[Thump! Ryan with the DDT.]
ID: My word!
JC: Now Ryan with the slyness! See Duke, he's definitely one of the most agile performers, big or not.
ID: Tit tit, Jesse, I know, I know.
JC: Solian back to his feet, but Ryan RIGHT on top of him! Right hand! Right hand! Third right!
ID: Closed hand police! Jesse, get in there...
[Solian reels, Ryan follows back.]
JC: Duke, this is a huge match, perhaps the biggest on the calendar this year. Some of the rules HAVE to be thrown out.
ID: Fine, but I'm holding you to that next time you harp on a slow rope break.
JC: [ignoring Duke] Ryan grabs Solian... THERE IT IS! There's the clothesline he was looking for, but shortarm style! Jake Roberts would be proud!
ID: Bloody hell, you mean he isn't bloody 182 centimeters deep yet?
[Ryan putting the boots to Solian.]
JC: One-hundred... did you...
ID: I know what you're asking, and I can convert to metric as fast as a bloody Irishman can down his twelfth shot of whiskey.
JC: Ryan really trampling Solian here, and now he goes down...
ID: Bloody hell, not a resthold.
[Actually, a chinlock to be specific
]
JC: And you talk about me exposing the business, Duke. Jesus, but regardless of whether you find it boring, it's sound strategy. You can't just go for the big impact moves early on non-stop, or else you end up fanning on them. You have to use guile, and more importantly, you have to wear your opponent down.
ID: I don't disagree, but I just bloody hate the chinlock.
JC: Is that because you tapped to it once, Duke?
ID: Oh sod off.
JC: Ryan's grip's getting a bit loose, Solian's squirming towards the ropes... he's there, he's got his foot under the ropes, Ryan not letting go...
ID: *ahem*
JC: Suck it, Duke. Ref counts three, and Ryan finally breaks.
ID: Now was that so hard, Jesse?
JC: Once again, suck it, Duke. Suck it hard.
ID: You know you bloody love me.
JC: [ignoring again] Ryan dragging Solian to his feet, Irish whip [ID: Bloody Irish!] and an inverted atomic drop. Solian won't crap right for a week after that one.
ID: Toilet humor. Very funny, innit?
[Ryan grabs Solian again.]
JC: I can hear you rolling your eyes, Duke. Another wh... no! Solian reverses it right into a short-arm clothesline of his own! What a maneuver!
ID: Great, now Jake Roberts has two bloody wrestlers in this match to be proud of.
[Ryan sits up.]
JC: That's a great way of looking at it Duke. Solian lining up Ryan and DROPKICK right to the face! Wrestling's Guiltiest Pleasure is just taking Dan Ryan to school early on in this match for the most part.
[Solian right to the mat, mounted punching.]
ID: He's been relentless, and being that he's a century shy of Ryan in the girth department, he HAS to be like that.
JC: It sounds so wrong when you say that word Duke. Girth...
ID: Oh sod off.
JC: Bates in there to break that ground 'n pound up, and Ryan rolls over to his side. Solian off the ropes and...
[Baseball slide right into Ryan's face.]
ID: Dear me!
JC: Safe at home! Solian scores a run and Ryan may need a rhinoplasty after that one. Solian wasting no time, sleeperhold, and there are the body scissors. Solian's been relentless.
ID: I'd say he's as tenacious as one of Michael Vick's pit bulls, no?
JC: Wow, bad week for Mike Vick as even the ENGLISH are tooling him.
ID: I've been in this country for more than awhile, Jesse. I know what you heathens refer to as football well. And much like other throwers make Vick look bloody daft, this hold makes that bloody chinlock Ryan was using earlier look silly.
JC: I still say you're bitter because you tapped to a chinlock once, Duke. I will find that tape. Ryan reaches the ropes and Solian with a clean break. Th...
ID: We know Jesse, is that too much to ask of everyone.
JC: I was actually about to say that strategy might be the best going against someone who's that much bigger than you, but you know what Duke, you are right. Thanks!
ID: Wanker.
JC: Ryan slow to get up, and Solian, again, right there, chop on Ryan...
CROWD: WOOOO!!
JC: ...and another [Imagine the crowd "WOOO!"-ing since I don't feel like typing it out anymore
], and another, and another, and another!
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: His chest is going to be red tomorrow, Duke. Solian yanks Ryan by the arm and whips him. Ryan charging in, and Solian just PLANTS that knee into his gut. Ryan doubled over and Solian takes advantage with that gutwrench suplex! Cover... one... no! Again, too much left in the tank for Ryan to go down.
ID: But Solian showing his strength here Jesse. That move requires some lifting.
[Solian stomps a prone Ryan.]
JC: Yeah, but Solian, even as Suicide, always had a lot of strength for his size, Duke. Elbow drop! And now Solian goes to the chinlock.
ID: Bloody no!
JC: Flashbacks again?
ID: [mumbles incoherently]
JC: I will find that tape, Duke. Seriously. The chinlock is a tried and true weardown hold, Duke. It may not immediately win matches, but it sure does help.
ID: Well I just don't like it.
JC: Fine then... although you won't have to look at it much longer. Ryan's powering out.
ID: About bloody time.
JC: He's up to one knee, planting elbows into Solian's gut! What a feat of strength...
ID: Yes, he's...
JC: HOLD THE PHONE! Solian out of NOWHERE just planted Ryan with a bulldog! Just when you think Ryan's finally back in this match, Solian pulls that out of his bag of tricks.
[Solian stomps.]
ID: Unbloodybelievable.
JC: You can say that again, Duke. Solian finished wiping his feet off with Ryan's midsection and picks him up. Whip to the ropes and LARI... NO! Solian whiffs! Ryan on the rebound and he FINALLY connects with the running clothesline! The pro-Ryan portion of this crowd finally has something to cheer about!
ID: Now if he can only keep some bloody momentum going.
JC: Yeah Duke, the follow up is key. Solian up a bit slow... and Ryan NOT wasting ANY time. Kick to the gut... PILEDRIVER! Ryan may have won the Mexico City bracket, but he's acting like he just won Memphis.
ID: Bloody ironic, seeing that the piledriver is banned in Mexico.
[Ryan drops a knee across Solian's head.]
JC: So you DO know your wrestling rules, Dukey. I didn't know you had it in you.
[Ryan with the stomping.]
ID: Bah, you'd be surprised.
JC: Ryan sitting Solian up and... well, you don't see this one much anymore. Full-nelson, and Ryan is pressing down on Solian's shoulder blades.
ID: With THAT much force on top you, Begorrah, Solian must feel like he's got the Rock of bloody Gibraltar on his shoulders.
JC: Or like Atlas with the weight of the World. The nelson is a tough move the weather anyway, but add that to the downward forces here... I'm surprised Solian's even able to concentrate on moving his legs.
ID: Well, the sodding fool was led around like a dog and masked from everyone by his ex-wife for months. I think he's learned to deal with pain.
JC: Touché, Duke. You win this round, but there'll be others!
ID: Bloody right.
JC: Solian is trying to free himself though. His legs are moving, but is that going to be enough for him to get free?
ID: He's inching closer to the ropes.
JC: Yeah, he is, but the key word there is
inching, Duke.
ID: Maybe, but bloody hell, you can't go a mile before you go an inch.
JC: Don't you get philosophical on me Duke. This is a no-emo zone. Although Solian is getting looser! Ryan's grip on the hold is weakening it looks...
ID: Haha! Ulysis Solian is bloody brilliant! He's dragging his arse on the canvas like a sodding dog with worms!
JC: That... was graphic, Duke! But this is... Solian's got his foot under the ropes! Ryan has to break, and he does, after a two count.
ID: You just have to...
JC: Yes, yes I do, Duke. Solian is crawling up to his feet, but Ryan is not going to let him go without help.
ID: How nice of him.
JC: I don't think... SIDE BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Ryan could have broken some of the Prodigal Son's ribs on that impact! Like I was just about to say before that happened, I knew that wouldn't be nice.
ID: Nice or not, it looked bloody effective. I wouldn't be able to get up from that right now. Ten years ago...
[Ryan picks Solian up, overhand punch...]
JC: Ten years ago, you'd have kicked out at two and then been squished by a Humility Bomb.
[Another punch.]
ID: Sod off, wanker.
JC: Ladies and gentlemen, the Iron Duke. Ryan grabs a hold of Solian and... reversal! It's Ryan off the ropes, and... ENFORCER SPINEBUSTER! Shades of Arn Anderson, and Solian has just inserted himself back in the driver's seat of this match!
ID: You said it earlier though, Jesse. It's all in the follow up. Impressive though, especially after that beating he took.
JC: Solian covers... one... no! Ryan still kicking out at one. Both men are slow to get up, and yes Duke, the follow up is important. Ryan's a little slower getting up, and...
[CRACK! Solian brains Ryan with a kick as he gets up.]
JC: If THAT doesn't scramble Ryan's brains, then he's got a freaking iron skull!
ID: You can bloody say that again, Jesse. I think EYE felt that impact.
JC: Ryan crumples down, and Solian with the Oklahoma roll! One... two... no! Ryan kicks out, but Solian got a two. He's really making some headway early on in this match.
[Solian kips over to the corner.]
ID: Well, it may not be early much longer if Solian keeps this up. Even when Ryan is in control, he can't keep Solian down.
JC: And now Solian's headed the opposite of down. Second rope... elbow drop right to Ryan's sternum and Solian is on fire here! Cover... one... two... no! Ryan kicks out again!
ID: I think it's bloody fair to note that Ryan hasn't had a near fall at all this match. I think he's in trouble.
[Solian barks something to Bates and then picks Ryan up.]
JC: I still do think it is early though Duke, but I am inclined to agree with you. Solian back to chopping Ryan's chest.
ID: His pectorals are the size of the sodding Kalahari, and it's going to be just as red as the sun there too.
JC: Solian with a whip, Ryan runs in...
[Solian nails Ryan with an elbow square in the jaw. Ryan staggers back.]
JC: ...GOOD LORD! I have no idea how Ryan didn't just lose a tooth there!
[Solian bounces back off the ropes.]
ID: Rhinoplasty, now dental work...
JC: And a RUNNING FOREARM to the face. Ryan's entire visage is getting work tonight. I hope he wasn't planning on getting any endorsements that relied on his facial features staying unscathed.
[Solian stomps the facial area.]
ID: I don't know, but from the looks of it, Solian shan't be happy until he's made him look like Quasimodo.
JC: Yeah, and now Solian covers... one... two... no! Ryan kicks out again. Solian right back to work on practicing stomping grapes on Ryan's head.
ID: I shall stand for NO MORE references to the bloody French. It's bad enough you puff up the Irish...
JC: Get over yourself, Dukey. Solian with a stomp and... now he's raking the face of Dan Ryan with the bottom of his boot!
ID: He's really bloody serious!
JC: Yeah, and Kevin Bates isn't amused! He's up to three, four, five and Solian finally breaks. I just can't believe the lengths Solian is going to smash Ryan's face in.
ID: Well, if Ryan can't see, hear or think, he can't win, right?
[Solian picks Ryan up.]
JC: Yeah, but this seems a bit, I don't know, excessive?
[Solian grabs Ryan by the head and drives the Ego Buster's face right into his knee.]
ID: Bloody hell Jesse, you've been saying it yourself, this is for all the bloody tea in China, and Solian as we speak is doing what it takes to be able to sip it.
JC: You Brits and your tea. Solian whips Ryan right back to his feet and swinging neckbreaker! Solian moving down to the neck, and I think you're right, Duke. Solian wants to take out the control center so that Ryan can't use that one-hundred pound advantage.
[Solian back to the chinlock.]
ID: Of course I'm right. I'm right even when I'm bloody wrong, and I'm right when I say I HATE this hold.
JC: We get it, Duke, we get it, but Solian has different plans. You can't tell me that that move isn't helping to wear down Ryan here.
ID: I admit nothing.
JC: Shame on ya then, Duke. Ryan reaching out, and he's got the ropes. Bates counts two, and Solian's off. Ryan is slow to get up, and that's hardly surprising.
ID: Yes Jesse, you are the master of all that is obvious.
JC: Thanks Duke, I try. Solian sizing up and a KICK to the gut of Ryan.... ENFORCER DDT! Solian pulling out all the stops, trying to end this one and take home the Merritt Trophy early on. He covers... one... two... NO! Ryan emphatically kicks out at two!
ID: He still has some vigor left, but Solian is slowly but surely taking it out of him.
JC: That's a fair assessment, Duke... leg drop! Right across Ryan's throat. Solian right up, no cover and... ANOTHER leg drop right, same spot. He covers again... one... two... no! Ryan kicks out at two.
ID: He's getting there though. I have a feeling this could be a short night for the Ego Buster.
[Solian flips Ryan around and locks him in a camel clutch.]
JC: I hope not, but I do have a feeling you're going to be proven wrong at some point. Ryan's a fighter, he's not only large and powerful, but he's got an amazing amount of resilience built up. Even as he's going through such a beating right now, he's got fight left in him, I know it.
ID: You also knew that Ryan Howard would have twenty home runs by now.
JC: Yeah, and I know the wrestling business better than baseball, so suck it. Solian's got that hold locked in a little too close to the ropes, Ryan may not have a whole lot of effort to get there.
ID: Yes, but Solian's been taking a lot out of him. Even if he doesn't tap, he may not get out of this hold until Solian wills it.
JC: Yeah, Duke, or he could just get in the ropes right now and render your theory useless. Oh wait, he just did.
ID: Do I sense a bit of rooting interest?
JC: No, but I just like my analysis to be vindicated too sometimes. Ryan is slow to get up though, and Solian is just stalking him, laying in wait for Ryan to turn around, which he does... neckbreaker! In the style of the late Rick Rude, Solian plants Ryan with that neckbreaker and instead of covering, he's off the ropes... knee drop across the face! Jesus Christ! Now a cover... one... two... no! Ryan kicks out.
ID: My bloody head is starting to hurt just watching this. It's a systematic dismantling.
JC: I agree, and like a pit bull, Solian's not stopping, bringing Ryan to his feet. OUCH! Another chop, and another, and yet another! I wouldn't be surprised if Solian broke skin before the night was out.
[Irish whip]
ID: I think he already has, unless his chest is so red that it looks like blood.
JC: I don't know Duke... back body drop and Solian looks like he's going for the kill!
ID: I told you it was going to be a short night.
JC: Ryan slow to get up, and Solian's waiting for him. Ryan up, turns around... CAPICOOO... NO! NO! Solian couldn't get the front lock sinched in and Ryan raked the eyes!
ID: Dirty pool! Dirty pool! I love it! Muhuhahahaha!
JC: Normally I'd be livid, but you do what you have to do to survive! Solian turns around... and Ryan nails him with a side Russian leg sweep! Both men are down, and Kevin Bates will break out the double ten-count for the first time tonight.
[Bates is at one... two...]
JC: After all that, and Solian got hit HARD with that leg sweep. I'd say we're back at square one, but with all the damage Ryan took, Solian should pick right back up.
[...three... four...]
ID: Bloody hell, just when you think you've got things all figured out... ah bugger, this would be so much easier if one of those do-gooder hypocrites like Jericoholic Anonymous or James Irish were in there.
[...five... six... Solian is up, Ryan follows shortly after]
JC: Yeah, you don't like having to be objective for once. Both men up and Solian... no! Ryan blocks the jab and responds with one of his own, and another and... OH MY LORD! Shades of The Polish Prince, Rik Ryconik, The Ego Buster sends Solian to the mat like a ton of bricks with that Polish Hammer!
[The crowd marks like I did when I saw Hurley run over that Other on the Lost season finale... ie, they go bat**** for the Hammer. Ryan back to work with stomping]
ID: My word, the Polish Hammer... I haven't seen that since Stanislaus Boroski used that on me in 1984!
JC: Duke, you're showing your age. Ryan just punishing Solian, first with those stomps and now with the axehandle. It's payback for the beating he took at the hands of Solian and I think it's only the tip of the iceberg.
[Ryan picks Solian up.]
ID: Maybe you're right. There aren't many more dominant than that mountain of muscle and connective tissue.
JC: You're right Duke, and that mountain just whipped Solian HARD into the corner. Ryan cautiously measuring up Solian...
[OOPH! Solian gets an elbow to the craw, courtesy of Dan Ryan.]
JC: Damn! That was impact! And another one! Another one! Solian is slumped in that corner.
ID: I wouldn't want to switch spots for all the quid in the Royal coffers.
[Ryan stomps away.]
JC: Me neither, Duke. That's just pure pain. Ryan steps back now... he's sizing up Solian, and I don't like the looks of this at all. Ryan runs in and... JESUS CHRIST!
[Translation; running knee right into Solian's face]
JC: Duke, what time is it?
ID: Nine-fifty-three and 45 seconds. Why?
JC: I think that's the official time of death for Ulysis Solian. Did you see that? He just went limper than Beau Michaels' wrists. Ryan is just smiling too. Jesus, I think he
knows that he has to committ nothing short of manslaughter to take this trophy tonight.
[Ryan lifts Solian up in a Canadian backbreaker.]
ID: I still don't know how Solian is breathing right now. I still don't know how I haven't bloody soiled myself either.
JC: Too much info, Duke. Way too much, and if you do, please, aim your regal ass away from me.
ID: Bloody hell.
JC: Ryan's in punishment mode right now. That backbreaker... I think he wants to... HOLY CRAP!
[Ryan non-chalantly tosses Solian to the mat about a quarter of the way across the ring.]
ID: Talk about the rag doll treatment!
JC: Dan Ryan just made tossing a two-hundred-thirty plus pound man look easy. It shouldn't, but he did.
[Ryan stalks over to Solian, mounts him and begins punching.]
ID: He's just so strong. I'd advocate his testing for illegal performance enhancers if he wouldn't rip my sodding head off.
JC: Kevin Bates intervening there, and Ryan gives him a piece of his mind. You can sense the tension in the air, both of these men want it so bad that they'd risk disqualification.
[Solian slowly gets up]
ID: And luckily, this Bates kid isn't too wet behind the ears to give them both some leeway. I'd bloody hate to see this match end in a disqualification.
JC: Me too Duke, and you know me with the rules. There are times to bend them, as long as you don't go overboard, and neither of these men have. Solian is finally back to his feet and Ryan just plants his boot right in his solar plexus. Ryan grabbing Solian... GORDBUSTER! I bet they felt that impact all the way in Reno! He puts the boots to the Prodigal Son and a cover... one... two... no! Solian kicks out.
ID: Say what you will about Ryan, but Solian's cast from a quite resilient lot as well.
[Ryan putting the boots back to Solian.]
JC: Of course, but he's also a lot lighter than Ryan and his body can't take the beating like Ryan's bulk can. Still, you can't count him out, even as Ryan is turning him into a shag carpet right now. Ryan grabs Solian up and right into a big bearhug.
ID: The only way that could be worse is if it was from that sodding hairball Munson Monsoon.
JC: Hey, big fat guys need props too, and he looked impressive tonight. It took Ramey, Payne AND the new FREE FOR ALL~! Champion Harley Douglas to eliminate him earlier from that match.
ID: Well, he was so rank I could SEE the stink lines coming up from him.
JC: That's enough. Ryan squeezing the life out of Solian, although it looks like the Prodigal Son is catching a second wind here.
ID: I told you he was bloody resilient. Like a superball, he is.
JC: Solian shaking his fist in the air. Will he...
[CRASH!]
JC: NO! NO! Ryan just smashed him down on the canvas with that big bearhug slam!
ID: My word!
JC: Ryan just... cover... one... two... no! Solian kicked out. He's still got something left in that tank.
ID: Of course he does. He's nowhere close to fumes yet.
JC: Yeah, and you were so quick to proclaim Ryan dead.
ID: Well, I learned my lesson.
JC: Ryan now with that Dragon sleeper sinched in. For a big guy, he's very well versed in submissions, both in typical, "big guy" ones and in ones that the smaller guys use.
ID: Yes, that's one thing that always impressed me about him. Well that and his agility. He's about as close to the total package physically as you can get.
JC: Yet Solian was able to dominate him so early on in the match. He may be the best ever, but he is mortal.
ID: Barely.
JC: Solian reaching his foot for the ropes, flailing... and he's there. Bates counts... three, and Ryan releases. And now he's giving Bates a piece of his mind.
ID: Frustration is setting in. Both of these men have fought several fortnights for this prize, and with each unsuccessful attempt to put the other man down, it grows.
JC: Yeah, but I don't see how that was Bates' fault. Solian is still slowly getting up, and Ryan turns his attention. Stalking, waiting... LAAAAAARRIAAAAATOOOOOO!!
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: He nearly took Solian's head clean off his shoulders!
[Ryan puts the boots to Solian again]
JC: I mean, talk about a near decapitation. Ryan now running the ropes and a leg drop that would put the Orange Goblin of Venice Beach to shame! Ryan covers... one... two... no! Solian kicks out!
ID: Bloody hell, I think he really is trying to clean-cut Solian's head right off.
JC: I'll say. Ryan with Solian back to his feet, suplex... no! Solian whisks his way behind. Off the ropes... BAH GAWD!
[The JR impression refers to Ryan turning around and catching Solian with a big boot before Solian could mount an offense]
ID: I'd hate to be the one to break it to him, but I think that should have gone before the leg drop.
JC: You do raise a curious point, Duke, but Ryan doesn't care. Cover... one... two... no! Kick out right after two, and for that to happen, Solian's gotta have at least a half-tank left.
ID: You bloody Americans and your need to quantify!
[Ryan putting the boots to Solian yet one more time]
JC: That's what we do, Dukey. Ryan stomping and now taunting Solian to get up. Solian's looking a bit worse for wear there, Duke.
ID: Well, how would you look if Ryan just laid that beating on you?
JC: It depends. Before or after the mortician made me look nice? Solian is up on all fours, and Ryan...
[PUNT!]
JC: Dear God! I think that soccer kick just broke one of Solian's ribs!
ID: Sign him up to play for bloody Liverpool! We could have used him against Milan!
[Back to stomping]
JC: Oh Duke, you and your English sports. Besides, I thought you were a Man-U guy.
ID: It was a down year.
JC: Bandwagon jumper. Ryan scoops up Solian and ties him to the Tree of Woe.
ID: This doesn't look bloody good.
JC: No it doesn't. Ryan with haymakers to the ribs, and now he's lining up... DAMN! Dropkick to the ribs and Solian is violently thrown from the tree!
ID: I expect him to be coughing up blood soon.
JC: That's not out of the realm of possibility, Duke.
[Ryan, what else, stomping Solian]
JC: I mean, I thought what Solian did to Ryan earlier was brutal, but this looks like it's going to eclipse it. Seriously.
ID: Yes, I'm starting to get a bit worried, although I know both of these men have what it takes to persevere.
[Ryan picks Solian up and jabs him a few times]
JC: Exactly, this match is for everything, and when normal guys tap out or don't even try to kick out, these men find that strength. Karl Brown found it last year. Who will succeed him this year? Will it be Dan Ryan, who just launched Solian into the ropes with that haymaker?
ID: I really don't like the looks of this...
JC: Ryan rushes in... LARIAT! Solian goes flying out of the ring, and now, things are about to get a LOT more interesting.
[Ryan follows out of the ring.]
ID: This could get ugly.
JC: Yes, but both men could also get counted out. That would pretty much suck. Ryan upon Solian... Solian with a chop! And another chop! The Prodigal Son showing signs of life! Irish whip... NO! Ryan reverses it and sends Solian CRASHING into those steel ring steps!
ID: Now you hear that? That bloody well doesn't SOUND like aluminum.
JC: Don't listen to the public, Duke. They're just haters. Ryan's now got him by the head and... ouch! Bouncing his head off the apron like a basketball, and again and again! Every part of both of these guys is going to hurt tomorrow, but it'll all be worth it for the man who wins.
[Ryan hops in the ring to break the count then comes right back out]
ID: Yeah, but I tend to think Solian is going to feel the brunt of it, win or lose.
JC: Yeah, but either way, winning, that's the ultimate analgesic. Ryan grabbing Solian again and... DAMN! This time into the steel barricade! This... this is just legalized assault now.
ID: Of course it is, but that's the best kind. Knowing you can destroy a human being and no single bobby or dick can touch you.
[Ryan sizes up Solian]
JC: That sounded REALLY foul, Duke. Ryan charging in and...
[CRUNCH! Ryan drives a knee into Solian's throat]
JC: HOLY FREAKING CRAP! A knee and steel sandwich! NO way, no freaking way!
ID: I... I'm speechless, Jesse.
JC: I... I... dammit, that was brutal. Folks, I have no idea how this match can continue, because that should pretty much have KILLED Ulysis Solian.
ID: I... I concur Jesse.
JC: Ryan looking down on what he's done and he's smiling Duke. Smiling because he knows he has this in the bag. All he has to do is toss Solian back in the ring and cover him.
[Ryan gets the tossing-back-in-the-ring part down.]
ID: I... I really don't know what to say... this seems all so anti-climactic.
JC: Ryan back in the ring, and he's, he's not covering! What in God's name is he doing?
ID: Abuse of a corpse, that's what, Jesse.
JC: He's standing Solian up, and I have no idea how Solian has any damn equilibrium. By all rights and purposes, he should be a frigging dead man walking right now. Ryan with kick to the gut, butterfly... suplex! Alright Dan, cover him. Just get this the hell over with. Thank you... one... two... we have... NO! Jesus freaking Christ no!
ID: Do you believe in miracles, Jesse?
JC: Don't Al Michaels me, Duke! This... he's gotta be undead. Seriously, Solian has to be undead, and Ryan concurs.
ID: Usually, I side with the disgruntled wrestlers, but I think Ryan's off-base here. That count wasn't bloody slow, but if I were him, I'd react the same!
JC: Ryan is PISSED! He yanks Solian to his feet and goes for the whip... no! Reversal right into a drop toe hold and I now have incontrovertible proof that the undead can exist in the real world, because there's no way a human being could take what Solian just took and be able to breathe let alone defend himself!
[Bates is exhausting his ten count... one... two...]
ID: I... really Jesse, I think I've seen enough in this business after tonight.
[...three... Ryan gets to his feet first and lifts Solian right up.]
JC: Does that include NFW East? Ryan looking to finish... NO! Solian just elbowed him in the gut! He bounces off the ropes... BUL... NO! He whiffed on the bulldog! Ryan dropped and now Solian has landed on his derierre!
ID: Stop with the bloody French or else I'll...
JC: [Cutting Duke off] Ryan is now up and...
[Another soccer style kick, this time right to the middle of Solian's spine]
ID: YES! Ryan is a footie natural!
JC: He could double as your ringer hooligan and your striker, Duke. Liverpool would be set, but Ryan belongs here in TEAM and in wrestling. Ryan has Solian up and... OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! This HAS to be it. I mean, it just has to. Ryan covers... one... two... thr... Jesus Christ, no! How the hell does he kick out of that?
ID: I think the undead explanation suffices Jesse. I'm a believer. Vreck Stone, God rest his soul, wasn't a whack job.
JC: Ryan letting Bates know how he feels, and even though that count was FAR from slow, I can't blame the Ego Buster AT ALL!
ID: It's just... the will to win far exceeds the subconscious will to cease functions. Jesse, I now understand it when you get overly excited about these things.
[Ryan, AGAIN, puts the boots to Solian]
JC: It is the will to win Duke. Solian wants this more than anything, and every time he kicks out when a normal man would kick the bucket, that shows his determination. Same for Ryan with every boot and every suplex and every maiming.
ID: Bloody bloody hell.
JC: Ryan picking Solian to his feet and just playing with him now, giving him the old boxing one-two. Solian can barely stand, and Ryan is just peppering him with jabs. Ryan finally grabs Solian, whip... damn! Powerslam, and really, well, I ain't saying anything.
ID: Wise move... Ryan could drop a thermonuclear warhead on Solian right now and he'd probably kick out.
JC: Ryan covers... one... two... NO!
[Ryan pounds the mat in utter frustration]
JC: Somehow I knew that was going to happen, but it's still incredulous.
ID: I'm telling you, if Ryan doesn't win this match, he's going to look back at his inability to finish here and kick himself.
JC: If Solian hasn't eaten his brains by then. Ryan drags Solian to his feet again and again, peppers him with jabs. Solian is punch drunk back into the ropes, and Ryan is going to send him to the outside again... here he comes... cloth... NO!
[CRASH~! Solian ducks at the last possible second, pulling the top rope down with him. Ryan crashes headlong into the barricade.]
JC: AND JUST LIKE THAT, THE ZOMBIE SOLIAN CATCHES A FREAKING BREAK!
ID: I... I can't do it anymore.
JC: Ryan hit his head good on that barricade, but he's still in it enough that he can recover. Solian is staggering around in the ring, and I have no idea how he's still alive.
ID: Well, me neither, but you exaggerate, Jesse. He's a bit stumbly, but he looks to be sizing up something big.
JC: No... he can't... Duke... there's no way... Solian takes off...
[CRASH! Tope suicida. Dan Ryan, wiped out. Ulysis Solian, wiped out. Fans, going ape****. Duke and Jesse, shut up for about thirty seconds
Kevin Bates begins to count... one... two...]
ID: Is it safe to say that both these men deserve to win this match now, Jesse?
[...three... four...]
JC: Hold on Duke, let me answer that after I've picked my FREAKING JAW up of the ******* FLOOR! I can't believe what I just saw here, and I was there, in Japan on a scouting trip when Kooter Michaels-Cruise was born. THAT was more believable than what I just saw here.
ID: I... agree.
[...five... six...]
JC: Ulysis Solian stirring, and I have no idea how. He's crawling back, arms on the apron pulling himself up... Jesus, how either of these two men aren't liquefied completely inside is beyond me.
[...seven... eight... Solian crawls back in the ring.]
JC: Ryan's got to hurry up or else he'll be counted out...
[...nine... Ryan BARELY makes it back]
JC: Both of these men... they're running on sheer willpower right now. They HAVE to be. The Merritt Trophy has to be keeping them alive right now.
ID: I don't disagree with any of this.
[Ryan and Solian struggle to gain their sea legs, wobbly from all the damage they've taken]
,
JC: This match has done what no other could do... tame the Iron Duke, folks.
ID: Oh sod off.
JC: Nevermind... Ryan gains his balance first and he comes in, jab... blocked by Solian! The Prodigal Son, once again with the chops, just making Ryan's chest into raw meat!
ID: No way either man is going to be the bloody same ever again.
JC: You're telling me... Solian with the whip... flapjack! Ryan's head bouncing off the canvas and the Prodigal Son comes back from nearly having every bone in his body crushed to being back in the driver's seat of this match!
ID: I told you he was bloody resilient!
JC: I think Solian's done a good job making your point for you. Ryan slow to get up, and Solian stalks him... kick to the gut! Solian with the standing headscissors and face plant on Ryan! A Pedigree without the underhooks! Solian covers... one... two... no! Ryan kicks out!
ID: Much like I said earlier, Solian's going to need nothing short of a neutron bomb to take out Ryan here. Much more than a face plant.
JC: You may be right, Duke, even though I'm shocked at the damage they're both taking here, no one's coming out of this match anything more than a half a percent their normal capacity. That's what it takes to win this tournament... HOLY CRAP!
[Solian busting out the springboard moonsault knee drop to Ryan's chest]
JC: MOVES LIKE THAT! Even after going through hell and then some! Solian up quickly and a Jeff Hardy styled double leg drop! He goes to pin... no! Back to the sleeperhold!
ID: Let me just say that despite my awe for both these men, they should both still be tested for steroids after the match.
JC: You can't be serious.
ID: I am. In fact, if you don't head the committee up Jesse, I'm going to have you brought before Parliament.
JC: [no-selling Duke] Yeah, although you may have some merit to that argument, Duke, because Dan Ryan is powering out of that sleeperhold. He's to one knee, and I have no idea where he's getting that adrenaline from!
ID: The bloody 'roids, but I'll stop. Don't want to take away from the moment.
JC: Ryan back to his feet, but SOLIAN! He just stepped forward and nailed Ryan with a sleeper-dog! Ryan's neck could be... Solian covers... one... two... NO! Ryan kicks out! Ryan kicks out! Solian back to his feet right away and puts the boots to Ryan.
ID: Too much stomping in this match, not enough footie kicking.
JC: Hey, it's what wrestlers do, y'know? Solian with Ryan back to his feet and... up for a suplex... NO! He just dropped Ryan head flush to the canvas! Brainbuster and this one has got to put it all away. Solian covers... one... two... thr... NO! NO! Ryan kicks out and Solian is LIVID!
ID: Regardless of the result of that, the fact that Solian was able to do that to a man a hundred pounds his heavier is impressive, bloody impressive if you ask me.
[Solian stomps on Ryan]
JC: Yeah, but apparently, that doesn't win you a match, but once again, I can't blame these guys. They just wanna win so bad, and you just have to feel sorry for Kevin Bates.
ID: I don't. Bloody referees!
JC: Jeez... Solian bounces off the ropes and drops the elbow right across Ryan's sternum. Cover... one... two... no! Ryan kicks out. Solian right back up and he drags Ryan to his feet.
ID: It's amazing how someone that much smaller and especially downtrodden can drag another man around like that.
[More chopping!]
JC: It's adrenaline, strength and desire, Duke. All of that makes one powerful mixture. Solian going for a belly to belly of his own... no! Ryan blocked it! Solian going again, but Ryan blocks it again and slips behind... RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX!
ID: BEGORRAH!
JC: I have no idea where that came from, but Solian landed on a sharp angle and now both men are left on the canvas. Bates counting both men out, but I hope it doesn't come to a draw.
[One... two...]
ID: Not bloody likely, Jesse. Ryan's stirring.
JC: That he is, Dukey. That he is. Bates reaches four and Ryan is up. Solian is slowly getting up too... Ryan stalking him.
ID: This one could get ugly...
JC: Solian up... he turns around... SPEAR! SPEAR! Ryan just speared Solian out of his pants and he covers... one... two... thNO! Solian kicks out at two and a half, and Ryan's back to his feet again.
ID: What's this?
JC: Duke... I believe... I believe he's warming up the band.
ID: Oh bloody hell no...
JC: Solian gets up and... SWEET CHIN MUSIC! That should be it! Ryan covers... one... two... NO! Solian kicks out!
ID: Don't be daft Jesse, only wiry and possibly homosexual Texan "heartthrobs" make that kick into death.
JC: That's true, Duke. Ryan not wasting any time here, scooping up Solian... it's time for... THE DOMINATOR! [The Lashley running powerslam version, not the Simmons version] That has to be it! Ryan covers again... one... two... NO! What does Ryan have to do to put Solian away?
ID: Probably a move that isn't a lame, WWE finisher?
JC: Yeah, you're right. That's right, we're going to get sued by Titan Towers, but we here at TEAM don't freaking care. Ryan grabs Solian to his feet again, one haymaker, two and he's looking for the kill now... scoop... TOMBST... no! Solian gets behind him into a reverse DDT! Dan Ryan went to the WWEll too many times and got burned!
ID: How did you even say well?
JC: I don't know Duke, I don't know but what I do know is that both of these men are spent. They've given their bodies, their minds, hell, maybe even their souls to this match. Solian to his feet, Ryan still struggling.
ID: Well, hopefully no one comes after us for the brain damage suits I'm sure we're incurring in this match.
JC: Don't even joke, Duke. Ryan back to his feet, turns around and is greeted by a kick to the gut! Kick to the face! To the shins... spinning heel kick! Ulysis Solian is a kicking machine right now! He covers... one... two... th... NO! Ryan kicks out! Solian yanking Ryan to his feet, could we see another one?
ID: He seems to be on that kind of... kick! Haha.
JC: And I thought British humor was dry. Solian back off the ropes... YAKUZA KICK! Goodnight Irene, and now Solian locking in a front chancery with that armbar.
ID: More commonly known as the beast choker.
JC: Thanks Duke for that blatantly uninteresting tidbit.
ID: Whatever I can do to annoy you, Jesse. You know that.
JC: And I appreciate it too. Ryan rolling around, flailing for the ropes... he's got 'em! Solian has to release, but he's not.
ID: No harping...
JC: I'm not, but I'd hate to see him lose on a disqualification... and he just rips Ryan from the ropes and plants him with a modified DDT, almost like an inverted Fallen One.
ID: He's freshly retired and you're already invoking him like he's Hulk bloody Hogan.
JC: Hey, Eli Flair is a legend, and he deserves that treatment. Solian covers... one... two... thNO! Ryan kicks out again! Solian up and again has words for Bates.
ID: Even I'm starting to feel for that sodding zebra, and I HATE referees.
[Solian gets his last word in and heads to the corner.]
JC: Well Duke, I'm glad you see things better. Solian jumps to the second rope and stays there, waiting on Ryan.
ID: He's waiting too long. Just drop the bloody elbow and get it over with.
JC: That could be a good idea, but Solian's a seasoned veteran. He can handle himself, I mean, just look at what he's gone through this match.
ID: But you don't hesitate! Bloody hell...
JC: Ryan gets to his feet finally. Turn around... SECOND ROPE LARRRIIIAAATTTTOOOOO!!
ID: I hate it when you do that.
JC: You're just mad because you were wrong. Solian pops back to his feet and stalks Ryan again.
ID: I think he's smelling blood here, Jesse.
JC: Me too. He can taste this match, the victory. Ryan, dazed, getting off the mat... Solian in wait... THERE IT IS! Another Enforcer Spinebuster, and Solian is signaling to the crowd.
[Pop!]
ID: Oh my...
JC: It's time for the CAPICOO... Ryan blocks it! Ryan blocked the Capicoo... BUT SOLIAN JUST TURNED IT INTO A FACE CRUSHER! Cover... one... two... NO! Ryan kicks out! Ryan kicks out!
ID: I don't think either man wants to lose this match. They're on bloody something.
[Solian putting the boots to Ryan again]
JC: Yeah Duke, it's called adrenaline. It's called desire, it's called...
ID: The cream and the bloody clear!
JC: You're hopeless. Solian drops the knee RIGHT across the face. Damn, this whole match, Ryan's been getting amateur plastic surgery... cover... one... two... thNO! Ryan kicks out again. Solian right up and AGAIN! The knee! Cover... one... two... th... NO! Kickout.
ID: He's not going to bloody do it again.
JC: You're right Duke... scoops up Ryan and again, astounding power for a man that size. Over to the corner... snake eyes! Ryan's face just ate that top turnbuckle and Solian covers again... one... two... thr... NO! NO! Ryan kicks out, but his nose is probably broken.
ID: I wouldn't be surprised if he suffered a cracked orbital bone either.
JC: Yeah, his face has taken a pounding all match, and he may be in for some reconstructive surgery. Solian picks him up and whips him into the corner. I think he's setting up...
ID: I've heard about this move, Jesse...
JC: Solian charges in... splash... YES! He hits the DDT right out of it! Boricua Splash! Cover... one... two... NO! NO! The Ego Buster will not die!
ID: Solian is beside himself. Nothing is putting him away.
JC: But remember, he hasn't hit any of his other big moves yet. No Celo, no Capicoo, not even any sign of the Burning Hammer either. No piledrivers. He's still got a LOT left in the arsenal.
ID: I think we're going to see one of those aforementioned piledrivers here.
JC: Yep, he's got Ryan up, standing headscissors. Could this be it, the man once upon a time known for his piledriving ability.... NO! Ryan flipped him over! He countered it!
ID: Just when you think he's out, he pulls you back in. Bloody sodding hell...
JC: Solian is up fairly quickly though... and is caught by a Ryan haymaker! The force knocks him back into the ropes, and he comes charging in... HOLY CRAP! Ryan just gorilla pressed him! He used Solian's own momentum against him! Both men look spent!
ID: I don't know how long this match can go on for!
JC: Ryan tumbles into the ropes, he's taking a well-deserved breather.
ID: There are no breathers in wrestling though.
JC: There is one now Duke. Solian's not doing much of anything either. Both these men are warriors, Duke. No one can take it away from them. It's just a damn shame both of them can't win.
ID: I agree... but Ryan should still be like a shark smelling blood.
JC: Well, Solian's up, so here's his chance. They're both in the middle of the ring, Ryan with a jab, Solian trades one right back. Ryan with another, Solian right back! Ryan! Solian! Ryan! Solian! Ryan! Soli... Ryan blocked it! Haymaker, and another haymaker! Solian goes down, and Ryan is back in control.
ID: Be still my beating heart!
JC: Ryan scoops up Solian... body slam! Ryan off the ropes now... splash! That's all three-thirty plus coming down on Solian's ribs, and Ryan covers... one... two... NO! Solian kicks out! Solian kicks out! Ryan, as he has all match, with a word for Kevin Bates and he's going to work again... figure four armlock?
ID: Quite the unorthodox move, but it's effective. I know, I have tapped out to that.
JC: And a chinlock too.
ID: Sod off.
JC: I love my job. Solian flailing his legs, trying to get to the ropes, but Ryan's in control of all the leverage here.
ID: All he needs to do is pull back and he can drag Solian back from the ropes, brilliant!
JC: Indeed. And Ryan's doing just that, but you have to remember, his strength isn't as good as it was pre-match. He's been run down.
ID: So has Solian.
JC: That much is true too... BUT, this situation HAS to favor the victim since too much of his body is free for leverage.
ID: But not his arms.
JC: We'll see, Duke. Solian trying desperately to get a toe, an ankle, ANYTHING in the ropes. He's flailing.
ID: He looks like a bloody toddler kicking like that.
JC: But it's working! See, he's getting closer and closer... HE'S IN!
ID: Bloody Norah...
JC: Ryan takes three out of the count before he breaks.
ID: Ki...
JC: Just stop Duke, I'm not harping, alright? Ryan picking Solian up, peppering him with jabs again... one... two... and a Mongolian Chop! That'll knock out your equilibrium.
ID: As if it would be that hard in the first place.
JC: Good point Duke. Ryan scoops Solian up... gutbuster! Shades of a certain One Man Mafia! Ryan with the cover... one... two... thr... NO! Solian kicks out! Ryan cannot believe it, but neither man wants to be the one who loses this match.
ID: No bloody sh*te, Jesse. Both men have worked so hard... even when I couldn't believe what I was seeing earlier on, I did believe it.
[Ryan doing what he's done all match... stomping Solian]
JC: So is your real name John Kerry, Duke?
ID: I'm a conservative all the way. None of this fruitcake liberal stuff for me.
JC: I see. Ryan picks Solian up, whip off the ropes... drop toe hold right into a cross face! But the momentum took them both forward and Solian's in the ropes!
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: Seriously, how many big men in this business can you see do that? I'll tell you how many. Zero. None. Dan Ryan can.
ID: Maybe the Spoiler...
[Ryan picks Solian up, peppering him with jabs]
JC: You know what? Forget him. If he wants to try and sell off a shot at the Championship of Champions to some third-rate clown, he gets no love from me. I don't care if he wins thirty Dupree Cup MVWs. Ryan with the whip and a powerslam! He covers... one... two... no! Solian kicks out.
ID: I think Ryan wants a big move for himself.
JC: Yeah, he's looking to go upstairs. He's been known to do that from time to time, but what is he going to break out?
ID: If he were smart and looked at how Kodiak Vic Creed dispatched of his early round opponents, a frogsplash would suffice.
JC: That would end the match right there. Ryan to the top and... we've seen this before! SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT... AND HE MISSED! HE MISSED! HE FREAKING MISSED!
ID: BLOODY HEEELLLLL!!
[Bates begins to count... one... two...]
JC: Bloody hell is right, Duke. Jesus, both men are wiped out. Bates counting for what seems to be the umpteenth time tonight.
ID: Sheesh.
[...three... four...]
JC: C'mon, someone get up. This match CAN'T end on a countout.
ID: They're stirring.
JC: Not fast enough.
[...five... six...]
ID: This is nerve-wracking though...
JC: Tell me about it... although Solian's moving... he's going to get up!
[...seven... eight... Solian is to his feet, barely]
JC: Solian is up, and Ryan is in the ropes. The show goes on, and Solian is wasting no time! Boot right to the midsection of Dan Ryan as he's in the ropes. Drags him out... butterfly DDT! This one has to be over now... one... two... NO! Ryan kicks out!
ID: Unbloodybelievable.
JC: Solian pounds the mat in frustration. Ryan's slowly moving, you know both of these men have a lot taken out of them, but you know they've got so much left.
ID: Alright, I tired of your inspirational spot about fifteen minutes ago.
JC: But Duke, I was just starting! Ryan is finally up, but Solian... ROARING ELBOW! He's not going for the pin though.
ID: He can't, I mean, Ryan'll just kick out. He needs something bigger.
[Solian putting the boots to Ryan]
JC: You're right, the only question is, what weapon?
ID: Well, I think we're about to find out.
JC: Yep, I think we are too. Solian to the top rope. He leaps... FLYING SPLASH! Connects with AUTHORITAH! Cover... one... two... three! We... DO NOT have a Merritt winner! Ryan got his foot on the ropes!
ID: Unbelievable!
JC: You're telling me! Solian is livid!
ID: I'd be too! Bloody hell, what does he need to do to put Ryan away?
[Solian up and paying Ryan back for all them stomps with stomps of his own]
JC: I... don't know, but he's gotta think of something. He's got Ryan up by his hair... GORDBUSTER! Solian with the gordbuster and the cover... one... two... NO! NO, Ryan kicks out!
ID: I can't bloody take it anymore.
JC: Get a hold of yourself Duke! You're only calling the match.
ID: Bah.
JC: Solian's up and he's got Ryan. Irish whip... tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Solian right back off the ropes, leg drop right across Ryan's chest! He covers... one... two... NO! Ryan kicks out!
ID: Bah I say!
JC: Say it all you want, but these two men, they're giving it EVERYTHING they got. He's got Ryan up again, and another whip! This time into ANOTHER Enforcer Spinebuster!
ID: Three times has to be the bloody charm.
JC: He's signaling for it now. He's got Ryan up. The lock is sinched in.... CAAAAAPIIIIIICOOOOOOOO!! He nailed it! This baby's over! One... two... three.... NO! NO! HOWINTHEHELLDIDRYANKICKOUT?
ID: I... he's a zombie. They're both sodding zombies.
JC: I... Solian is just... he's... Christ, he's tearing into Bates. I mean... what the hell? That usually puts away most everyone.
ID: But most anyone isn't bloody Dan Ryan in the sodding TEAM Invitational Tournament Final.
JC: I'm just... he's just... he's got Ryan up for another one... BUT RYAN BLOCKED IT! He blocked the second Capicoo! LARIAT! Both men are down again!
[Bates with his count... one... two...]
ID: This match... I'm not sure I want it to end anymore.
JC: Me neither, but it's going to have to. We need to crown a winner, even if both of these men fight til they're eighty.
ID: Now that would be something.
[...three... four... five... six...]
JC: Solian is to his feet and he's going for Ry... Ryan just tripped him up! Heel trip and Solian goes crashing back down to the mat! Ryan leaps right on him, another ground 'n pound! Bates getting in there between them, he can't break it up! He has to shove his way... AND RYAN JUST SHOVED KEVIN BATES!
ID: Bloody hell, no!
JC: Dan Ryan is about to get himself disqualified here, Bates is reading him the riot act!
ID: It can't end like this.
JC: I don't think it is. I don't think Bates wants it to end like... SOLIAN JUST TACKLED RYAN! He came out of freaking nowhere! They're just brawling around the ring now! It's chaos, and Bates doesn't want to get involved at all! He's letting 'em go!
ID: As he should...
JC: Ryan's got Solian's head... SLAMS it against the canvas! Solian's been knocked loopy and Ryan again is in control! He picks up Solian, behind him. Full nelson... DRAGON SUPLEX! He's got the bridge in too... one... two... thr...NO! NO! Solian kicked out! Ryan is up again, and he's got that glazed over look in his eyes. He yanks Solian up... HARD whip into the corner... HORNET SPLASH!
ID: Bloody hell. That was like a freight train screeching off the tracks.
JC: And it's going to happen again. Whip into the diagonal corner... SPL... NO! Solian got his foot up! Ryan's holding his face and Solian is just waiting for him... waiting... kick to the gut! Could we see... PILEDRIVER! Solian hit a piledriver, a blast from his own past! He covers... one... two... th... NO! NO! Ryan kicked out, and now Solian has that look in his eyes!
ID: You wouldn't...
JC: Solian grabs Ryan... SUICIDE grabs Ryan. That look... he's finally let him out! He's finally stopped holding back! SUICIDEDRIVER! He just spiked Ryan's head off the canvas. This match is over, Suicide with the cover... one... two... th... NO! NO! Ryan kicked out again! Two straight piledrivers and Dan Ryan is still not put away!
ID: You know, he's going to kill you when he sees the replay of this match, right?
JC: Why? It's the truth! Solian has snapped, see look? He's scooped up Ryan over the shoulder. A third straight Suicidedriver, this one... A TOMBSTONE! Goodnight Irene, Dan Ryan has got to be out. Cover... one... two... thre... WHAT? Jesus Christ, how do you survive three straight Suicidedrivers and not become a paraplegic?
ID: I don't know! Ryan's got to be on sodding enhancers! Either that, or he's a bloody alien!
JC: Aliens, zombies... we can't agree what it is, but somehow, these two men... Ryan and Sui...
ID: For the love of God Jesse, STOP CALLING HIM SUICIDE!
JC: But he is, look at him, he's setting up for the Tiger Suicidedriver '91. He's got the underhook ready.... NO! NO! Dan Ryan just countered it! Sweet merciful McGillicutty, he flipped Suicide over and now we're back at square one unless Suicide...
ID: SOLIAN!
JC: Jesus, whoever it is, can capitalize.
ID: Solian is the fresher of the two, and he is up first.
JC: Yeah, and I have to question how much is left in Ryan's tank. Suicide goes over to him... AND RYAN ELBOWS HIM IN THE BREADBASKET! The Ego Buster is clawing to his feet as Suicide is doubled over in pain.
ID: Suicide is dead! Do you have a bloody death wish?
JC: [shrugging Duke off] Ryan is going to finish him off now! Headscissors... HUMILITY BOMB! HUMILITY BOMB! This match is over! It's gotta be! No one gets up from that! Ryan slowly covers... one... two... three... [moment of silence] ...You've GOT to be kidding me! Seriously, who kicks out of that, who?
ID: Ulysis Solian, Jesse, that's who.
JC: Ryan gets up, and he's ELL-EYE-VEE-EYE-DEE LIVID! Bates gets another earful, and he's going to have to go to his ear doctor after this match. Jesus, how can these people keep kicking out? Nothing is freaking working!
[Ryan has Solian up and puts him in a headscissors again]
ID: I don't know Jesse, I just don't know.
JC: My Lord, if he kicks out after a second Humility Bomb, I'm going to scream. He's going up... HUMIL... NO! Solian wiggles out at the peak and comes crashing down on two feet! How in the world... he's got it... CAPIC... NO! Ryan blocks it but takes a knee to the gut! Oh my... oh my God... what's Suicide trying to do?
ID:
Solian is out of his sodding mind... because I think he's going to try and Humility Bomb Ryan!
JC: No... he can't... he's nuts... he's smaller by a hundred pounds! There's no way he's getting him up! OR IS THERE?
[THUMP!]
JC: OH MY FU[7s delay] GOD! ULYSIS SUICIDE JUST GAVE DAN RYAN A *******ED HUMILITY BOMB! This... I've... that's gotta be it... cover... one... two... NO!
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: That's about the only thing you can say right now, Duke! Bloody hell! You're saying it, I'm saying it, Vegas is saying it, hell, Suicide is even saying it!
ID: He's not...
JC: He's picking Ryan up. There are only a few moves left in his arsenal and if they don't work, then Ryan's gotta be indestructible. Solian trying to get Ryan on his shoulders for the Hammer it looks like... No, Ryan slips off and boots Solian in the back! And now Ryan's got Solian in the Argentine... here we go.......
[Almost in slow motion, Ryan drops down to his side]
JC: HEEEEEEAAAAADLIIIINNEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!
ID: BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL!
JC: Cover! One... two..........
THREE! THREE! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DAN RYAN HAS SURVIVED ALL HELL!
[DING DING DING!]
JC: DAN RYAN IS THE 2007 TEAM INVITATIONAL TOURNAMENT CHAMPION! DAN RYAN IS THE NEW HOLDER OF THE MERRITT TROPHY!
ID: I don't bloody believe it! Finally! That was a sodding war!
JC: You're telling me Duke, you're telling me. And take not a damn thing away from Solian or Suicide. No matter the name, no matter the outcome... he brought it, not just in this match, but in this entire tournament. My hat's off to you, Ulysis... it's a damn shame you couldn't win.
[All the while, Kevin Bates has Ryan's hand raised.]
MD: Here is yuh winnuh... and the 2007 Chad Merritt Trophy Champion... The Ego Bustuh... DAN... RYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!
JC: And lost in all this... he won with the move he adopted as a tribute to his fallen friend. If Rob Sampson were alive today, he'd be proud... DAMN proud of Dan Ryan.
ID: You're telling the truth.
[From out of the back, TEAM EPICENTER co-anchor Tom Holzerman comes down, wheeling the Chad Merritt Trophy with him.]
JC: Look at that, Duke, just look at it. The most majestic trophy in all wrestling, and it's Dan Ryan's... all Dan Ryan's. You deserved that, Dan.
[Holzerman enters the ring, and shortly after, some hands pass him the trophy. He sets it down in the middle of the ring between himself and Ryan.]
TH: Dan Ryan, on behalf of TEAM, the Yorilove.com Casino and Hotel and every single wrestling fan who watched this tonight, either live or on Alternative Sports Network... I congratulate you on your hard fought tournament!
[MASSIVE POP~!]
TH: And because you won here tonight... I am here to present you with the Chad Merritt Trophy. Dan Ryan, lift that trophy up, because you're the 2007 TEAM Invitational Tournament Champion!
[Ryan lifts the trophy up to chest level, and then over his head.]
JC: THERE HE IS! THE 2007 TEAM TOURNAMENT CHAMPION! DAN RYAN! THAT'S IT FROM THE YORILOVE CASINO AND HOTEL! FOR THE IRON DUKE, I'M JESS CHAPEL! GOODNIGTH EVERYONE!
[The shot of Ryan fades softly into
.]
