An ENTERTAINING interview
[FADE IN. A bright, sunny day at an anonymous, yet expensive, café. Sitting in the distance, Mr Entertainment, the New ERA of Wrestling On TV Champion, has his back to us, as he answers questions from wrestling dirt-sheet guru, Matt Matteson. Let’s zoom in, and see what happens]
MM: Right, right. So, fast forwarding, last RAUCOUS.
ME: What a show that was! Ya know, it was my idea ta have Shawn Hart cash in his title shot that night.
ME: Of course! All the best ideas come through ME,
because I’m the only guy under contract who understands the meaning of ENTERTAINMENT. I mean, how huge was the reaction when Shawn Hart beat Jonny Boy fer the World Heavyweight Championship? Nowhere else in professional wrestling will you get that kind of reaction, because they’re all about the short-term, tryin’ ta grab one or two ratings decimals, but us? New ERA? I was settin’ the ground-work at Battlebrawl fer that one when I let Shawny-boy eliminate ME
The rub he got from that one duck down means he’s gonna go far in the fans eyes. One o’ my proudest moments.
MM: Yes, well, what I actually wanted to talk about was Rocko Daymon.
MM: Rocko Daymon?
ME: … OH! Crocko[expletive deleted]. What about him?
MM: I was just wondering what your thoughts were about what happened at the end of the match?
ME: Ya mean ME
gettin’ my hand raised in victory like I said would happen?
MM: No, I mean his speech just before he left the ring.
ME: Well, Matt, there ain’t much I can say. Crook knew he’d been carried ta a great match, but he also realised no-one was gonna take him seriously as TV Champion. I mean, look at the facts. I showed people just how much I’d carried him in our first match, an’ people saw how much of a fake he really is. When the end of the match came, he realised he wasn’t gonna get the win.
MM: He did catch you with the Brain Rocker Redux again.
ME: And? Doesn’t mean I was gonna let him pin me again. I’ve had feathers land on my head that hurt more than the Brain Rocker Redux.
MM: Then why did you stay on the canvas as Rocko made his speech?
ME: Because I had it all planned out – I was gonna make the dramatic kickout at two and ninetyninethousandninehundredandninetynine hundredths, before scoring the win with an inside cradle when he went ta hit me with it again. That’s exactly how it was gonna go down – but he decided ta take matters inta his own hands.
MM: Aren’t you worried that Rocko’s speech demeans the TV title?
ME: Why would I be worried about what Crook says? The facts speak fer themselves – since I came ta New ERA, ratings have been going up. Since I won the TV title, it’s become one of the most prestigious titles in the business – it hasn’t taken a back-seat in a badly written fake-wedding soap-opera like some Heavyweight titles have, it hasn’t switched hands every six seconds like New ERA’s World Title has, an’ it hasn’t been vacated an’ passed around like it was when it was the Never On TV Title. All Rochester did was show people that he can’t hack it, like he’s done before, time in an’ time out. Sure, some folks might think he’s right, he’s bigger than the TV title – but the fact is, he’s new to the company, an’ got lucky at Battlebrawl. Somehow he thinks that makes him a contender fer the top belt so he doesn’t need ta worry about beatin’ ME
Fer the TV strap first. Nah, he hasn’t done any damage ta my title – if anythin’ he’s done damage ta his own career, because we all know he’s never gonna win the World Title. I predict he’s gonna lose his smile again soon an’ whine an’ ***** before gettin’ canned by the front office.
MM: So would you say the TV title is as strong as it was?
ME: I’d say it’s a helluva lot stronger than it’s ever been, an’ a helluva lot stronger than it woulda been had I given it ta Rochester DeLion . In Mister Entertainment New ERA has a champ who can draw – Rocko couldn’t drive flies ta crap.
MM: OK. Now, you’ve got another title defence on RAUCOUS this week, against a man who has said he’s reclaimed the shot he never lost.
ME: Oh boy, talkin’ bout Loseron Lose ain’cha?
MM: Cameron Cruise, yes.
ME: See, there’s another guy like Crocko who has this in-built need ta pull Santa’s beard off. Fact, I think he was the first ta do that with me when I came in. The guy’s a loser, always has been, always will be, hasn’t a chance this week.
MM: He is one of New ERA’s strongest competitors.
ME: Nope. Mark Matix put up more of a fight than Camero does. The only thing Cruise can do is complain about evil bogey-men in the front office stealin’ things from him in some kinda huge conspiracy. He did it in EPW, he’s done it here in New ERA, an’ last time I watched one of his spots, he was still goin’ on abou’ not bein’ awarded the TV Title shot he ‘won’ back at International Intrigue! As if somehow, there was a conspiracy amongst the cameramen to avoid him an’ make sure he didn’t get any promotional work done, knowing that LaRoque would refuse ta reward him fer not workin’. Hell, even after I beat him ta win my last shot at this belt, he’s still goin’ on about how great he is, how he was robbed, how the whole world is against him, yadda yadda yadda. Truth is, he’s a loser, his wife’s a loser, his ‘mentor’ is a loser. He ain’t walking out with the TV title.
MM: You sound very confident about that.
ME: Well, let me put it this way – has he taped anything yet ta promote this match?
MM: To be fair, neither have you.
ME: What do I look like, Beast?
MM: I don’t follow.
ME: Look, remember what that loser did last year?
ME: He took a camera crew out when they were supposed ta be on holiday so he could tape some drunken ramblin’s! Come on, I’m the one person in this company who cares about others, I’m not gonna take moms an’ dads away from their kids ta tape somethin’ at Christmas!
MM: You realise Cameron could say the same thing.
ME: Yeah, but he’s had his generic script-writers workin’ overtime as always ta put out some whiney piece of crap.
MM: But what about people who might want to have seen a new promo from you over the Christmas break?
ME: Well, sales o’ International Intrigue an’ Battlebrawl II DVDs were through the ROOF just before Christmas, an’ each had an easter-egg on ‘em, ya found it yet?
MM: Not personally yet, no.
ME: Well, they’re great, you should watch ‘em. Far less painful than watching a Cameron Cruise tape anyways.
MM: OK. Well, can I ask what your plans are for two thousand and seven? There’s the New ERA and Empire Pro joint pay per view in March, and there’s a rumour going round that you’ve been signed for the second TEAM Invitational.
ME: Well, I’m talkin’ ta TEAM about that, yeah. The joint show in March, I’m gonna be defending the New ERA TV Title against whoever the front office decides ta put against me – an’ whoever it is is gonna be in the main match of the night, the highest rated an’ most talked about match of the YEAR!
As fer the rest of two thousand seven, I’m just gonna keep doin’ what I’ve been doin’ – going out there and giving the fans the best match of the night, each and every night. Cameron Cruise is gonna find out, again, what it’s like ta get a good payday – the kinda money that puts what his Project’s been gettin’ ta shame.
MM: And RAUCOUS is going to be business as usual?
ME: Naturally. I mean, look at the guy – he’s the running joke of the business. Every time someone mentions the guy, they havta use a tongue scraper an’ six bottles of Listerine ta get rid of the taste! He beat who ta get this match? A nobody. Who’s he gonna be when he sees what real ENTERTAINMENT is all about?
He’s Cameron Cruise, a guy who just can’t face reality.
MM: OK. Well, thank you for your time, and good luck out there.
ME: Luck’ll have nothin’ ta do with it, pal. But ya’ll see when ya tune in, just how much drama an’ excitement there’ll be.
OoC: Really sorry to Sean, Tom, and the loyal Mr Entertainment readers out there for cutting it so close. I blame my tutors for giving me essays to write over Christmas and cutting into FW time *nods*