Steve
the EX-QUEEN of FW~!
(FADEIN: Close-up of a black neck. A white hand moves the tip of a ballpoint pin slowly around the neck in a concentrated area.)
DOCTOR: I have concerns yes.
CALVIN: (nervous) Is it serious?
DOCTOR: Always.
CALVIN: (cries) Oh man. Oh man. Take it off! Just take it off! GET IT OUT OF ME!
DOCTOR: I was speaking of your friend, the old pregnant male.
CALVIN: (reassured) Of course.
DOCTOR: Tell me (The doctor puts the pen away and sits next to Calvin at the kitchen table.). How did this happen?
CALVIN: (laughs) How many biology books do you have in your personal library? (measured) How did it happen….You! (points) That’s comedy. That is comedy. I knew you were rehabilitated. I kept telling Momma, “Momma Doc’s debt to society…paid! IN FULL!” She threw herself at you didn’t she Doctor? It’s okay. A tight ass like that begging for pennies and a top hat set on the floor eight feet away. You’re human! But, what’s important here is we keep the laughter.
DOCTOR: (shocked) Calvin, you do know that men cannot become pregnant?
CALVIN: (horrified) He’s a freak. A freak of nature! Doc, I can’t stomach it anymore. You’ve gotta get me out of here. Get rid of the body. ABORT! The world won’t believe it. You’ll be laughed out of the medical profession – AGAIN! I’ll leave. Make it look like an accident. Just get rid of the bodies. I can’t sleep at night. Knowing there’s this THING always looking at me. So needy and true. “Calvin, I’m hungry. Calvin I’m eating for two now, hurry. And more!” “Calvin put the knife down.” Doc, you have to help me? YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!
(The doctor SLAPS Calvin across the face.)
CALVIN: (crying) Yes Mother I trampled the roses in the garden. It was me. Maria is innocent! It was me!
(SLAP)
CALVIN: (singing) Song sung blue
Everybody knows one
Song sung blue
Every garden grows one.
(The Doctor’s hand reaches back once more but is interrupted by a loud SCREAM coming from another room.)
DOCTOR: You friend is in poor health. The baby must come now.
CALVIN: Great I’m gonna finish off the pasta. It was a little undercooked but worth a second chance.
DOCTOR: I’ll need your assistance.
CALVIN: HE’S A FREAK!
(CUTTO: An examination room in the Doctor’s mansion. Melton lies on a bed, feet hung up in stirrups. Calvin holds his left hand and bravely coaches from his side, as the Doctor crouches between Joey’s legs and throws a sheet over his head as he readies for delivery.)
MELTON: Calvin level me with me? Is this natural?
CALVIN: (cries) I don’t know. I…don’t….know.
DOCTOR: I can see the head.
MELTON: Easy perv! Eyes on the birth!
CALVIN: YOU’RE HAVING A BABYYYYY!
MELTON: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.
DOCTOR: Puuuuuuuuuuuuuush!
(Joey screams.)
DOCTOR: Good! One more! Puuuuuu-
CALVIN: --Uuuuuuuuushhhhhhhhhhhh!
MELTON: Die you pig!
CALVIN: Do it for me! Do it for me Mister Melton. Puuuuuuush!
MELTON: Noooooooo! It’s because of you I’m in this mess!
DOCTOR: Here it comes!
MELTON: Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!
CALVIN: YOU’RE DOING IT!
DOCTOR: Yes! It’s….It’s……
VOICE OFF SCREEN: CUT!
(CUTTO: The director of the promo walking into frame, disgusted.)
DIRECTOR: What’s the matter Frank?
DOCTOR: The prop isn’t here.
DIRECTOR: For Pete(Russo!)’s sake. Where’s the ULTRATITLE prop? Who has the ULTRATITLE?
(Joey rolls off the bed)
MELTON: I need a break.
DIRECTOR: We just need one more shot Joey.
MELTON: I’m not sold on this. I’m not. I’m giving birth? Cal, help me out here…
CALVIN: Man cannot give birth! (beat) Can we?
DIRECTOR: Yes. If you were actually pregnant it’d be a miracle. Parallel being it’s going to take a miracle for you to win the ULTRATITLE.
(Melton throws off the mic attached to his body.)
MELTON: Irritant. I’m Joey Melton. Maybe I didn’t part the Red Sea but
OFF SCREEN: You were there when it happened…
(everyone laughs.)
MELTON: Bite me! I can win this. I’ve given up everything to be at this point, more than you jackals will ever know.
DIRECTOR: Peter was kidding Joey, let’s just come back and finish…
MELTON: Look chucklehead. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not feeling it.
DIRECTOR: You can’t walk out!
CALVIN: HE’S JOEY MELTON! HE CAN WALK OUT!
MELTON: I’m gone!
(Joey and Cal storm out.)
DIRECTOR: I’m finishing this without you Melton! (door slams.) Has-been. Somebody get me the damn ULTRATITLE prop…I’d like to be at home before ten.
(CUTTO: Melton and Carlton walking towards their limo.)
CALVIN: I’ll make a phone call Mister Melton have that irritant fired! FIRED!
MELTON: Don’t bother Cal. He’s right.
CALVIN: WHAT?
MELTON: I can’t win this. Not anymore.
CALVIN: Do we need to call Mike again?
MELTON: (smile) No. It’s over Cal. The odds aren’t in my favor this time.
CALVIN: They never are.
MELTON: Lindsay’s gone. I’m lost. The ****ing Jacket is toast. I gave up everything to win and I’ve lost before the final word is even said.
CALVIN: So you’re just going to quit?
MELTON: Get in the car.
(Carlton looks like he wants to cry.)
(CUTTO: Darkness. Suddenly a light comes on. Joey Melton springs straight up in bed, sweating and with a wild smile wearing his face.)
(Melton starts to laugh manically as he throws his body back in bed.)
(A moment or two pass before Calvin Carlton, clad in his silk PJs, bolts into the room.)
CALVIN: WHAT IS IT? Mister Melton…was it the dream again? We’ve been over this. You don’t have bad credit. It’s okay. Breathe, my friend, breathe…
MELTON: (laughing) No….no. (Melton gets out of bed and throws his arm around Cal.) I’ve just won the ULTRATITLE. Here’s how….
(Joey sits Cal on the edge of the bed as Carlton listens intently. His idol placed back on the mantel.)
(FTB)
DOCTOR: I have concerns yes.
CALVIN: (nervous) Is it serious?
DOCTOR: Always.
CALVIN: (cries) Oh man. Oh man. Take it off! Just take it off! GET IT OUT OF ME!
DOCTOR: I was speaking of your friend, the old pregnant male.
CALVIN: (reassured) Of course.
DOCTOR: Tell me (The doctor puts the pen away and sits next to Calvin at the kitchen table.). How did this happen?
CALVIN: (laughs) How many biology books do you have in your personal library? (measured) How did it happen….You! (points) That’s comedy. That is comedy. I knew you were rehabilitated. I kept telling Momma, “Momma Doc’s debt to society…paid! IN FULL!” She threw herself at you didn’t she Doctor? It’s okay. A tight ass like that begging for pennies and a top hat set on the floor eight feet away. You’re human! But, what’s important here is we keep the laughter.
DOCTOR: (shocked) Calvin, you do know that men cannot become pregnant?
CALVIN: (horrified) He’s a freak. A freak of nature! Doc, I can’t stomach it anymore. You’ve gotta get me out of here. Get rid of the body. ABORT! The world won’t believe it. You’ll be laughed out of the medical profession – AGAIN! I’ll leave. Make it look like an accident. Just get rid of the bodies. I can’t sleep at night. Knowing there’s this THING always looking at me. So needy and true. “Calvin, I’m hungry. Calvin I’m eating for two now, hurry. And more!” “Calvin put the knife down.” Doc, you have to help me? YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!
(The doctor SLAPS Calvin across the face.)
CALVIN: (crying) Yes Mother I trampled the roses in the garden. It was me. Maria is innocent! It was me!
(SLAP)
CALVIN: (singing) Song sung blue
Everybody knows one
Song sung blue
Every garden grows one.
(The Doctor’s hand reaches back once more but is interrupted by a loud SCREAM coming from another room.)
DOCTOR: You friend is in poor health. The baby must come now.
CALVIN: Great I’m gonna finish off the pasta. It was a little undercooked but worth a second chance.
DOCTOR: I’ll need your assistance.
CALVIN: HE’S A FREAK!
(CUTTO: An examination room in the Doctor’s mansion. Melton lies on a bed, feet hung up in stirrups. Calvin holds his left hand and bravely coaches from his side, as the Doctor crouches between Joey’s legs and throws a sheet over his head as he readies for delivery.)
MELTON: Calvin level me with me? Is this natural?
CALVIN: (cries) I don’t know. I…don’t….know.
DOCTOR: I can see the head.
MELTON: Easy perv! Eyes on the birth!
CALVIN: YOU’RE HAVING A BABYYYYY!
MELTON: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.
DOCTOR: Puuuuuuuuuuuuuush!
(Joey screams.)
DOCTOR: Good! One more! Puuuuuu-
CALVIN: --Uuuuuuuuushhhhhhhhhhhh!
MELTON: Die you pig!
CALVIN: Do it for me! Do it for me Mister Melton. Puuuuuuush!
MELTON: Noooooooo! It’s because of you I’m in this mess!
DOCTOR: Here it comes!
MELTON: Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!
CALVIN: YOU’RE DOING IT!
DOCTOR: Yes! It’s….It’s……
VOICE OFF SCREEN: CUT!
(CUTTO: The director of the promo walking into frame, disgusted.)
DIRECTOR: What’s the matter Frank?
DOCTOR: The prop isn’t here.
DIRECTOR: For Pete(Russo!)’s sake. Where’s the ULTRATITLE prop? Who has the ULTRATITLE?
(Joey rolls off the bed)
MELTON: I need a break.
DIRECTOR: We just need one more shot Joey.
MELTON: I’m not sold on this. I’m not. I’m giving birth? Cal, help me out here…
CALVIN: Man cannot give birth! (beat) Can we?
DIRECTOR: Yes. If you were actually pregnant it’d be a miracle. Parallel being it’s going to take a miracle for you to win the ULTRATITLE.
(Melton throws off the mic attached to his body.)
MELTON: Irritant. I’m Joey Melton. Maybe I didn’t part the Red Sea but
OFF SCREEN: You were there when it happened…
(everyone laughs.)
MELTON: Bite me! I can win this. I’ve given up everything to be at this point, more than you jackals will ever know.
DIRECTOR: Peter was kidding Joey, let’s just come back and finish…
MELTON: Look chucklehead. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not feeling it.
DIRECTOR: You can’t walk out!
CALVIN: HE’S JOEY MELTON! HE CAN WALK OUT!
MELTON: I’m gone!
(Joey and Cal storm out.)
DIRECTOR: I’m finishing this without you Melton! (door slams.) Has-been. Somebody get me the damn ULTRATITLE prop…I’d like to be at home before ten.
(CUTTO: Melton and Carlton walking towards their limo.)
CALVIN: I’ll make a phone call Mister Melton have that irritant fired! FIRED!
MELTON: Don’t bother Cal. He’s right.
CALVIN: WHAT?
MELTON: I can’t win this. Not anymore.
CALVIN: Do we need to call Mike again?
MELTON: (smile) No. It’s over Cal. The odds aren’t in my favor this time.
CALVIN: They never are.
MELTON: Lindsay’s gone. I’m lost. The ****ing Jacket is toast. I gave up everything to win and I’ve lost before the final word is even said.
CALVIN: So you’re just going to quit?
MELTON: Get in the car.
(Carlton looks like he wants to cry.)
(CUTTO: Darkness. Suddenly a light comes on. Joey Melton springs straight up in bed, sweating and with a wild smile wearing his face.)
(Melton starts to laugh manically as he throws his body back in bed.)
(A moment or two pass before Calvin Carlton, clad in his silk PJs, bolts into the room.)
CALVIN: WHAT IS IT? Mister Melton…was it the dream again? We’ve been over this. You don’t have bad credit. It’s okay. Breathe, my friend, breathe…
MELTON: (laughing) No….no. (Melton gets out of bed and throws his arm around Cal.) I’ve just won the ULTRATITLE. Here’s how….
(Joey sits Cal on the edge of the bed as Carlton listens intently. His idol placed back on the mantel.)
(FTB)
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