bikinis, freaks, and champions
[FADE IN. Mr Entertainment is sitting on a stool in a bare room, holding an acoustic guitar. He’s wearing his traditional leather jacket and jeans, with a pair of cowboy boots. He strums a few random chords for a while, before bursting into song]
ME: It was an itsy witsy teeny weeny pink no polka dot bikini,
That he wore for the first time today.
Itsy witsy teeny weeny pink no polka dot bikini
And in the nuthouse he decided to stay.
[He plays a flurry of chords, before placing the guitar down by his side. He sighs, resting his hands on his hips and shaking his head a little before speaking]
ME: You know, maybe I should be thankin’ Red Ranger. I mean, he did take out the ref, then cracked Popeye. But, there’s a couple things stoppin’ me from thankin’ ya. Number one, you’re the reason I went into that match as a wrestler and not the TV champ special guest referee. Ya’ll decided ta clobber the ref, an’ me, before Emily got the one two three on the final RAPTURE.
But more importantly – ya’ll got any idea how many people couldn’t watch the end of the match because they puked on the god damn screen when you ran on? Hell, the Nielson rating may be one of the highest New ERA’s ever known – but we ain’t a radio show. The pictures’re needed ya know.
So, thanks. But no thanks. Keep yer bikini wearin’, copycat ass outta the match at the upcoming edition of RAUCOUS. What ya’ll do ta Emily after the show’s over is your business. But if you like yer job – if ya’ll want the fans ta be ENTERTAINED! – ya’ll remember what happened at RAPTURE, right? Leave Emily ta go back to that very position, where the one – the two – and the three will count his sorry ass out and the TV title will be around MY waist.
Ya’ll remember the last time, right, Emily? When you got yer ass handed to ya? Where yer poser mind-games didn’t do a thing? Where, despite all you threw at me – I had you beat. The great MWG, beaten in the ring by the most entertaining man on the planet.
That’s exactly what it’s gonna be like again. Because the people want me to hold that title. They need me. They see guys like you an’ Boozy Boris holdin’ the titles, an’ they see ME goin’ out and graftin’ ta get more people ta watch New ERA by competing in the TEAM tourney – who’s getting all those new fans ta tune in ta yer freakfest with Zordon? It sure as hell ain’t you or Boozy or Jonny “What’s my name again?” Doe. I’M the reason you guys ain’t been canned like RAPTURE. I’M the guy who’s makin’ sure people tune in ta watch YOUR matches.
And I’m the guy who’s gonna be walking out of RAUCOUS with the TV title around my waist, as I continue on in the TEAM tournament, win that whole shebang, and make sure you keep drawing a paycheck.
[He picks up the guitar again, and begins to fret some chords before picking “That’s Entertainment” by The Jam]
ME: Because when it’s all said and done, it’s all about ME.
Mister Entertainment.
[As he continues playing, we FADE OUT]
