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UNLEASHED 2013: Wolves of the Sea v. Team Viagra

EpyonMarx

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[FADE IN to The Wolves of the Sea standing in front of an Empire Pro Wrestling UNLEASHED backdrop]

JM: Ye thought ye’d seen the last o’ us when we was thrown from heights unfathomable down tae the depths by the Dragons, but here we be! People of the Empire, we be here, we be hungry, and we be ready tae fight!

SM: Lest ye hae fergotten who we be, he’s Jameson, I’m Syd, an’ we’re on a quest from our Cap’n tae claim the treasure of the Empire! The gold tha’s the most pure in all of Christendom! The World Tag Team championships of Empire Pro Wrestling!

JM: Aye! But tae claim the treasure we’ve got a long way tae traverse through some uncharted waters, maybe troubled waters with strong currents tryin’ tae knock us off course.

SM: But not yet! Not yet, laddie.

JM: Aye, matey. Fer first tae try and knock us of course

SM: Unsuccessfully!

JM: Is Team Vee Aye Ay Gee Arrgh Ay, whatever that means.

SM: With sails as limp and beaten as theirs they didnae stand a chance!

JM: Fer one thing, they ain’t as good lookin’ as us.

SM: Fer a second thing, they ain’t as quick as us.

JM: Fer three things, they ain’t as tough as us.

SM: An’ fer five things they ain’t as hungry and talent as us.

JM: We’ve sailed many, many a sea, fought many a mighty beast, an’ Team Vee Aye Ay Gee Arrgh Ay think they can drift intae our mighty vessel on their driftwood raft an’ sink us? Nae!

SM: Yea, the Dragons threw us down, down intae the depths. The landings were tough. Hard. But we’re tougher. We didnae sit around licking our wounds, we went back aboard ship and plotted a new course, like any great pirate should.

JM: And that course goes straight through Unleashed and on tae the land o’ the Dragons again.

SM: Team Vee Aye Ay Gee Arrgh Ay, yer sailing intae waters ye haven’t the skill tae navigate. Ye’ll be keelhauled, set adrift, an’ caught in the wake of a vessel much mightier than yer own. I’ve no doubt ye’ll survive – there be plenty o’ islands ye can wash ashore at when yer shipwrecked. But ye cannae succeed when yer facin’ men more used tae fighting. Men younger. Men hungrier, quicker, tougher, toughened by a life at sea an’ men with a quest… a quest fer treasure beyond imagining!

JM: Unleashed sees the Wolves of the Sea Unleashed!

SM: And the Empire better be ready tae be boarded, looted, an’ set adrift.

[FADE OUT]
 

Ford

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(MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. CUTTO: An EMPTY FRAME. There's an EPW backdrop.)

TONY DAVIS(O.S.): Is this thing on?

(TONY DAVIS walks into frame dressed in collegiate wrestling athletic gear. He tapes twice into a microphone.)

TONY DAVIS: …

(TONY DAVIS grabs the bridge of his noise and sighs.)

TONY DAVIS: We have to face PIRATES?!

(Davis looks up, sneering.)

TONY DAVIS: Have you guys HEARD of airplanes?

(MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. CUTTO: Jack HARMEN standing in front of the same EPW backdrop.)

JACK HARMEN: Here ya go.

(HARMEN holds up a bag of oranges.)

JACK HARMEN: After I finish beating you with this bag of oranges, you can eat them to battle scurvy.

(MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. CUTTO: Mary-Lynn Mayweather, Team VIAGRA's manager dressed in a red skirt suit. She frowns in front of a CSWA backdrop.)

MARY-LYNN MAYWEATHER: Don't you guys remember we all got fired?

(She frowns.)

MARY-LYNN MAYWEATHER: What do you mean they forgot about that!

(MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. CUTTO: Tony Davis and Jack Harmen, standing side by side in front of the EPW backdrop.)

JACK HARMEN: The wolves of the sea. Heh. Catchy. Too bad we're wolves in the ring. Ferocious, malicious, and without mercy. Team VIAGRA, we tear our opponents limb from limb, snapping tendons and kicking heads CLEAN off necks. We may not always win, but we DO, leave our mark.

TONY DAVIS: The wenches of your ship will look to NEW pirate captains when we defeat you in our duel. Pistols, at noon, on the beach.

JACK HARMEN: Dude.

TONY DAVIS: Haven't you ever wanted to be a pirate captain? This is our CHANCE! They've gotta have a ship. Only people who have pirate ships say Arr any day other than Halloween!

JACK HARMEN: First we beat 'em in the ring. Then you can talk to them about challenging them to your crazy pirate duel.

TONY DAVIS: Dude. If we shoot them before the match and they no show, we totally win without having to do anything.

JACK HARMEN: Which is exactly why that's a stupid plan. We're on pay per view for one of the biggest organizations in wrestling. You DON'T want to show off your mad elite skills?

TONY DAVIS: I do have elite skills.

JACK HARMEN: And I'm mad. All the time. At everyone.

(TONY DAVIS smiles, wrapping his arm around HARMEN'S shoulder.)

TONY DAVIS: So violence it is.

JACK HARMEN: Bloodshed through bludgeoning.

TONY DAVIS: I bet you we open the show, so we can do the duel later that night in the parking lot.

JACK HARMEN: Please, just stop. No one's dueling anyone. You don't even know how to shoot a gun.

TONY DAVIS: Point and click. Like minesweeper.

JACK HARMEN: Just stop. Please.

TONY DAVIS: Can't I shoot them, just a little?

(HARMEN sighs, slapping his forehead. He breaks Tony's hug and walks away. Tony raises a SUPERSOAKER and SHOOTS Harmen off screen. FADE OUT.)

TONY DAVIS(O.S.): That's filled with gasoline. It's my anti-zombie weapon. I'm piii-ractically a boy scout of the apocalypse.
 

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