(CUE UP: Droney music by the band Sunn O))) -- yess, that is the band name. Don't forget the parentheses. We fade in within one of the many rooms of torture at the Keep of Eternal Darkness... which consequentially looks like a medieval racquetball court. In the Carpathian Mountains, apparently, it is customary to play on a steel surface using a net made of barbed wire.)
(SFX: *THWOCK!! THWOCK!! THWOCK!!* And instead of using tennis rackets and little rubber balls, you apparently use axes and severed human heads.)
(SFX: *THWOCK!!* The Dreaded Devourer known as MAGNUS DESTRUCTO takes a hefty swing with his butterfly-bladed hatchet, sending the disembodied head floating over the mesh net of wire and dried entrails. Waiting on the other side is his concubine, Dominatra Bozoth, who SHRIEKS with bloodthirsty excitement as the head takes a sickening, wet bounce off the steel and meets her hatchet dead on, sending it careening back over the net of nightmares.)
(The shot is quite accurate, and Destructo isn't quick enough to receive the volley. Point, Bozoth.)
OH SATAN-DAMNIT!! IT'S THIS STUPID SHORT HATCHET!!
(In a fit of rage, he TWIRLS AROUND and THROWS the hatchet, lumberjack style, as hard as he can at the near wall. In a brief flash of sparks, it EMBEDS itself into the black stone walls, mere inches from the head of Dulak the Defiler, who meekly stares back at his own frightened reflection in the blade that could have split his head twain if he were standing just a bit more to his right.)
DULAK, YOU VILE WORM!! YOUR MASTER DEMANDS YOU FIND HIM A BETTER AXE!!
Dulak the Defiler
Y-your desire is my will, Lord Magnus!
(The whipping boy scampers off -- running straight into the girth of the blob named Gollomach as he enters the room. Knowing full well of the consequences of being even half a second later than what the master desires, Dulak quick cuts around the moving man-mountain and disappears further into the keep.)
GOLLOMACH!! FETCH ME A NEW HEAD!! ONE THAT IS A LITTLE FATTER THAN THE REST!!
(At his word, the goon reaches over and pulls the discarded hatchet from the wall.)
By your command, sire...
(He waddles further down the wall to the row of random victims currently chained there. Fortunately, one is left with its head in tact. He appears to be a mail carrier, based on the blue uniform and the bag hanging around his shoulder. He looks absolutely petrified as the massive Gollomach comes looming over him with a hatchet in hand.)
Oh, Christ in heaven, PLEASE don't kill me! I just came to deliver this LETTER to you guys! I won't tell anybody what I saw... HONEST!!
(Piquing his interest, Gollomach reaches into the mail man's bag and finds the one with the NLW seal in the corner. He brings it to the impatiently pacing Magnus Destructo, brow furrowing beneath his studded leather sweat band.)
This missive came for you, sire.
I DEMAND YOU BRING ME A HEAD, AND INSTEAD YOU GIVE ME A LETTER?!
My humble apologies sire. The letter bore the Mark of the Next Level... and therefore, I misjudged your great and all-encompassing priorities.
DID YOU SAY THE MARK OF THE NEXT LEVEL?!
(Magnus rips the letter out of his servants hand and proceeds to rip it open. As he reads it, Gollomach attempts to peer in and catch a glimpse... but Destructo nods him off, and he immediately turns and goes back to his originally intended order. Joining the Baron of Brutality is Bozoth, eager to know what's up.)
What news does it bring, Glorious One?!
IT IS NEWS OF MY NEXT VICTIM, MY DARK SIREN!! HE COMES FROM THE SAME LAND WHERE WE GET OUR GUINEA PIG FILM COLLECTION!!
Ha! At least we can expect him to be SICK and SADISTIC... unlike that twerp, John Johnson!
(SFX: *CHOP!!* We can hear somebody scream off screen.)
AH, BUT THIS IS NO TWERP!! THIS MAN -- THIS YUTAKA MAEDA... HE IS A MAMMOTH LIKE MYSELF!! I FEEL THAT JOHN JOHNSON WAS MERELY A SMALL FISH IN AN OCEAN OF SHARKS AND WHALES!!
BUT THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE LEVIATHAN THAT REIGNS SUPREME OVER THE BLACK OCEAN OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!
SOON, HE WILL COME TO REALIZE THAT MAGNUS DESTRUCTO IS THE BIGGEST AND THE BEST IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!!
(Gollomach returns with the severed head of the mail carrier.)
Your fresh head, sire.
HA HA, PERFECT!! NOW WHERE IS THAT FILTHY WORM AND MY AXE?!
(As if on cue, Dulak comes hurrying back into the frame with a huge war-axe with fan blades on the end. It's heavy enough that he has to carry it with both hands with the heavy end dragging on the groun.)
Dulak the Defiler
Right here, Dark Lord!
(Destructo's malicious hands strike out like pythons grasping rodents, one seizing the head and casting it aloft while the other grabs the long axe by the hilt and swings away, throwing Dulak off into the corner and forcing both Gollomach and Dominatra to duck in order to prevent immediate and painful decapitation. Instead, the baseball swing hits the head with the sickening THWOCK, sending it splattering through the cathedral glass windows of devil worshipping.)
Magnus Destructo GGRRAAAARGGGHH!!!!
(Laughing maniacally as an evil dominant overlord would, Magnus Destructo and his leather-bound cohorts cackle in their pompous and malicious intents as the camera goes to black.)
::fadein – A Japanese bar in Osaka, Yataka is sitting at a bar stool downing shots, in walks a man dressed in a DREDD outfit and mask::
MASKED MAN: Mister Maeda sir?
MAEDA: Is it Halloween already?
MASkED MAN: Jonathan Marx assigned me to you as a translator for NLW...
MAEDA: Does it sound like I need a ****ing translator to you? I've taken English since first grade. It is better than most of the Americans here.
MASKED MAN: Marx also said I should take care of all your expenses and business arrangements....
MAEDA: Sit down.
MASKED MAN: Thank you sir.
MAEDA: What is your name?
MASKED MAN: As a member of DREDD, we don't have names. Most people call me twenty one.
MAEDA: I'll ask you again, what is your name?
MASKED MAN: Bob.
::Maeda downs a shot and taps his glass, the bartender rushes over and fills up his glass again::
MAEDA: Listen Bob, I'll humor Mr. Marx-san because I'm getting paid extremely well, but you are on probation. With a snap of my fingers, I'll have you replaced like that if you don't do your job.
MAEDA: Northeastern American?
BOB: Jersey, born and bred...
::Maeda shakes his head and drinks some more::
MAEDA: Like on that show the Jersey Shore?
::Bob hangs his head::
BOB: Yeah. But we aren't all like....
MAEDA: Don't like being stereotyped by a show? I'm 6'5, 280 pounds, but I get lumped in with every Japanese wrestler that has ever worked in the States, every anime people have seen, and a style that is over fifteen year old now which many of their young boys still copy like it is something new. Although after watching the Jersey Shore, you will have a lot more working against you than I do.
BOB: They don't know any better.
MAEDA: Then we will teach them. What can you tell me about this Ultra Magnus?
BOB: Magnus Destruco, About your size, into death metal, wields an ax, has an S&M fetish...
MAEDA: I don't scare people with an axe, I scare people with these.
::Maeda makes a fist::
My fist is about a 5XL when I wear gloves when I do MMA. Real tough men don't have to threaten people with an axe to appear tough. I just threaten them with these. Real tough men don't need to over compensate. They go in, they kick ass, they collect their money, and then they leave. Something tells me I'm going to enjoy breaking this man.
(Fade in from black... to blacker than black. As always, we are in the bowels of the Keep of Eternal Darkness within the Carpathian Mountains. The camera pans up to find the sneering succubus known as DOMINATRA BOZOTH splashed in red lighting, glaring down at the camera as she raises an elaborate skull-shaped microphone to her black lips.)
Yutaka Maeda... it's too bad that with all that BRAWN, you don't have enough pink, fleshy BRAIN MATTER to compensate for it! The GLORIOUS Baron of Brutality has heard your idiotic comments... and unfortunately for you, you have incited his BLOODTHIRSTY RAGE!!
Prepare yourself, Maeda... for the MASSACRE that awaits you at the hands of...
(CUE UP: "Conquer All" by Behemoth. A set of massive doors behind the siren come open, revealing a wall of fire, and the form of a MONSTER standing before the flames. From the mouth of hell, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO steps into the light, looming over the camera with a sinister grimace. All at once, he barks out an order to an unseen entity off camera.)
GOLLOMACH!! TOSS ME A VICTIM!!
(Someone can be heard screaming in terror. From out of the camera, a random hiker that took the wrong trail during their afternoon jog through the Carpathian Mountains comes flying into the frame. With lightning-fast reflexes, Destructo PLUCKS him out of the air, sets him over his shoulders, and delivers a BACKBREAKER with such ferocity, it RIPS the hiker -- or dummy, what have you -- into two bloody halves!!)
HA HA HAHAHA!!
(Destructo tosses the torn halves aside and sets his attention back on the camera. His concubine stands close by his side with a smug grin on her Halloween-make-up face.)
MISTER MAEDA... FOR AN INSIGNIFICANT PEON, YU-TA-KA LOTTA NONSENSE!!
(Instead of snare hits, Destructo earns a blast-beat for this bizarre attempt at cracking a joke.)
YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF YOUR MEAGER FISTS?! PAH!! I LAUGH AT YOUR FEEBLE ATTEMPTS TO OUTWIT THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT KIND OF MASSACRE AWAITS YOU!! YOU CAN CALL YOURSELF A "REAL TOUGH" MAN... BUT I AM NO MERE PUNY MAN -- I'M A MON-STARRR!!!
"Real tough men" are PUSSIES compared to the RELENTLESS FURY of Magnus Destructo!!
A MONSTER IS NOT FEARED ONLY FOR ITS FISTS, MAEDA... WHICH HE CAN USE TO BLUDGEON, RIP, AND CRUSH... BUT ALSO FOR ITS FEET, WHICH WILL TRAMPLE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU!!
TELL THE FOOL MORE, MY SIREN...
A MONSTER is also known for its red eyes... BURNING HOTTER THAN THE FIRES OF THE UNDERWORLD!! A MONSTER is known for its razor sharp TEETH, salivating for the taste of BLOOD!! A MONSTER is known for its EAR-PIERCING HOWL, turning veins cold as ICE!!
(Like a SNARLING BEHEMOTH, Magnus Destructo's eyes go as WIDE AS SAUCERS, and his jaw opens up to form a gaping maw uttering a roar that is heard for leagues across the Carpathian Mountains...)
Magnus Destructo GGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWLLLLLGGGGHHHH!!!
GOLLOMACH!! TOSS ME THE NEXT VICTIM!!
You got it!
(Another scream off camera... and another random hiker -- or dummy dressed up like a hiker -- gets thrown into the frame. Destructo snatches it out of the air by the throat. His fiery eyes suddenly shoot back to the camera. The camera zooms in as his lips curl back and a murderous look flickers in his demonic eyes.)
AT FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR, YUTAKA MAEDA... YOU'RE GOING TO REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A MONSTER, WHEN I REACH DOWN YOUR THROAT AND RIP OUT YOUR SPINE!!!
(To demonstrate, Destructo proceeds to pull a quick Sub-Zero on the innocent victim twitching in his grasp, in a most gorrific and over-the-top fashion. The Baron of Brutality then tosses the corpse aside, only holding up the disembodied head like he were Predator roaring over yet another trophy.)
Magnus Destructo HA HA HA HAHAHA!!!
Disembodied Hiker's Head
Dude... what button combo did you do to pull off that Finisher? I've was never able to do that!
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