Calamity Jon
League Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
- 52
- Points
- 0
(FADEIn to the darkened interior of an arena where a wrestling ring is set up in full, a lone and dim spotlight illuminating it softly. The MEN OF ADVENTURE, BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS and "IRON" JOHN WAITS stride up and climb in the ropes, as the camera pans down from its elevated view and closes in on the two men, standing in the center of the ring in their full trapper regalia, their hands folded in front of them as they speak ...)
John: "You know, there are a lot of things you can call the MEN OF ADVENTURE ... Manly, for one. Adventurous, for another. Wanted in twelve states and three provinces for crimes so obscure and generally bizarre that they're merely collected under the heading "Miscellaneous Acts Of Profound Moral Depravity" for yet another.
Tom: "In Louisiana, they've got a law on the books prohibiting you from HUMPING LAUNDRY! HO HO! You know what I say to THAT? Come and GET US, COPPERS!"
John: "Yes, all that and more you could hang about our necks, but the one thing the Men of Adventure surely are not is STUPID! Who called us stupid? YOU!? Oh, you'd better hope not!"
Tom: "Sure enough, John and I have spent many an hour examining what surely is a back-and-forth record here in the CSWA, seeking the source of our failing to overwhelm and ravage this federation like a three-hundred pound speed freak with a pocketful of rufees in a nunnery! HO! And with Fish Fund and OUR LIFELONG DREAM - -“
John: “Since I was a babe in swaddling clothes, I’ve desired little more than a number one contender’s shot against a pair of flashdancing guttersnipes at an event named for a puddle-dwelling bug-eater. DREAMS DO COME TRUE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!”
Tom: “Indeed, with such stakes on the line, we surely must EXPLORE ALL AVENUES towards being the DOMINANT CONTENDERS and UNDENIABLE TRUE CHAMPIONS! So it is clear to us, in our pondering, that the ONLY weakness POSSIBLY inherent in our burly, hairy, lice-infested carcasses could even CONCEIVABLY BE ... that your citified ways are confusing to us! Yes, we hate to admit, but what deadlier, more cunning game is there but MAN? WOLVERINES, for one! And alligators! But still, the confusing mish-mosh of poncery and lace doilies you call 'civilization' baffles us, and weakens our devastating impact."
John: "Thus, we being BRILLIANT TACTICIANS as well as GODS AMONG MEN and the MOST POPULAR BOYS IN SCHOOL, we have enlisted the skills of ONE OF YOUR OWN! YES! HO HO! The Men of Adventure are now advised by a citified man of letters who'll introduce us to the sorry-ass nooks and crannies of needless complexity that compose what you consider LIFE in these watered down, simpering ADVENTURE-LESS 'civilized' world (spits). Pah! YOUR TIME IS UP!"
Tom: "TRUE! With our new advisor by our side, not only will the Men of Adventure break down the sugar-coated candy cane world of the CSWA, why my good friend John, we may break down the walls of civilization itself! ULYSSES! COME HERE!"
(The Men stand aside, and the camera pushes forward slightly as a silhouetted figure walks from the ropes toward the spotlight. With the Men grinning proudly behind him, a tall and rugged figure stands, smiling at the camera. His hair is pomade'd back, his greasy smile topped with a pencil thin moustache and bordered by a healthy five o'clock shadow ... he's wearing a denim shirt and faded overalls, all topped with a tweed blazer that looks like it survived the Great Depression. With a snake oil voice, he addresses the audience ...)
USD: "Ladies and Gentleman, and all you fine citizenry of these here United States of America, not to neglect the many lush and lovely provinces of our fine neighbor to the North, Canada, and all her marvels ... allow me to introduce myself, Ulysses S Dudley, esquire and late of the great state of Mississippi. I have taken the liberty of accomodating these boys of my services, seeing as how their rural intellects, while canny and inventive giving the situation of their personal path of life choices, may lack the Socratic finesse of a finely educated man of letters, such as myself. I am, mister and missus viewing public, quite bonafide, I think you'll find, and I look forward to helping these young boys here by my side (he slaps both Tom and John on the shoulder) take the world of WRASSLIN - or grapplin, as it's known in some circles - by a figurative storm. Yessir, it's going to be quite a wonder, a veritable age of adventure, or I ain't a Dapper Dan man. (he turns to the MoA) Cheers boys, here's to success!"
(John and Tom lunge for the camera, grinning madly and barely containing their laughter with their faces obscuring the screen, then jump back towards Ulysses S Dudley, who shakes their hands and smiles at the camera as it FTB...)
John: "You know, there are a lot of things you can call the MEN OF ADVENTURE ... Manly, for one. Adventurous, for another. Wanted in twelve states and three provinces for crimes so obscure and generally bizarre that they're merely collected under the heading "Miscellaneous Acts Of Profound Moral Depravity" for yet another.
Tom: "In Louisiana, they've got a law on the books prohibiting you from HUMPING LAUNDRY! HO HO! You know what I say to THAT? Come and GET US, COPPERS!"
John: "Yes, all that and more you could hang about our necks, but the one thing the Men of Adventure surely are not is STUPID! Who called us stupid? YOU!? Oh, you'd better hope not!"
Tom: "Sure enough, John and I have spent many an hour examining what surely is a back-and-forth record here in the CSWA, seeking the source of our failing to overwhelm and ravage this federation like a three-hundred pound speed freak with a pocketful of rufees in a nunnery! HO! And with Fish Fund and OUR LIFELONG DREAM - -“
John: “Since I was a babe in swaddling clothes, I’ve desired little more than a number one contender’s shot against a pair of flashdancing guttersnipes at an event named for a puddle-dwelling bug-eater. DREAMS DO COME TRUE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!”
Tom: “Indeed, with such stakes on the line, we surely must EXPLORE ALL AVENUES towards being the DOMINANT CONTENDERS and UNDENIABLE TRUE CHAMPIONS! So it is clear to us, in our pondering, that the ONLY weakness POSSIBLY inherent in our burly, hairy, lice-infested carcasses could even CONCEIVABLY BE ... that your citified ways are confusing to us! Yes, we hate to admit, but what deadlier, more cunning game is there but MAN? WOLVERINES, for one! And alligators! But still, the confusing mish-mosh of poncery and lace doilies you call 'civilization' baffles us, and weakens our devastating impact."
John: "Thus, we being BRILLIANT TACTICIANS as well as GODS AMONG MEN and the MOST POPULAR BOYS IN SCHOOL, we have enlisted the skills of ONE OF YOUR OWN! YES! HO HO! The Men of Adventure are now advised by a citified man of letters who'll introduce us to the sorry-ass nooks and crannies of needless complexity that compose what you consider LIFE in these watered down, simpering ADVENTURE-LESS 'civilized' world (spits). Pah! YOUR TIME IS UP!"
Tom: "TRUE! With our new advisor by our side, not only will the Men of Adventure break down the sugar-coated candy cane world of the CSWA, why my good friend John, we may break down the walls of civilization itself! ULYSSES! COME HERE!"
(The Men stand aside, and the camera pushes forward slightly as a silhouetted figure walks from the ropes toward the spotlight. With the Men grinning proudly behind him, a tall and rugged figure stands, smiling at the camera. His hair is pomade'd back, his greasy smile topped with a pencil thin moustache and bordered by a healthy five o'clock shadow ... he's wearing a denim shirt and faded overalls, all topped with a tweed blazer that looks like it survived the Great Depression. With a snake oil voice, he addresses the audience ...)
USD: "Ladies and Gentleman, and all you fine citizenry of these here United States of America, not to neglect the many lush and lovely provinces of our fine neighbor to the North, Canada, and all her marvels ... allow me to introduce myself, Ulysses S Dudley, esquire and late of the great state of Mississippi. I have taken the liberty of accomodating these boys of my services, seeing as how their rural intellects, while canny and inventive giving the situation of their personal path of life choices, may lack the Socratic finesse of a finely educated man of letters, such as myself. I am, mister and missus viewing public, quite bonafide, I think you'll find, and I look forward to helping these young boys here by my side (he slaps both Tom and John on the shoulder) take the world of WRASSLIN - or grapplin, as it's known in some circles - by a figurative storm. Yessir, it's going to be quite a wonder, a veritable age of adventure, or I ain't a Dapper Dan man. (he turns to the MoA) Cheers boys, here's to success!"
(John and Tom lunge for the camera, grinning madly and barely containing their laughter with their faces obscuring the screen, then jump back towards Ulysses S Dudley, who shakes their hands and smiles at the camera as it FTB...)