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Afternoon Delight

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to "IRON" JOHN WAITS and BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS - the MEN OF ADVENTURE - decked out in their full trapper regalia, laying among a grassy meadow dotted with lush and full, shady trees in spots. John is barefoot and is reading a book - WHAT? Yes, I said READING A BOOK! And John fusses with his toenails and a clipper. STARTLING! "Afternoon Delight" pours from a translucent blue CD Player, and for some reason, it totally fails to drive the MoA into screaming fits of rage! What transpires here? Let's take a listen)

Tom: (humming along with the music) "HO HO, Say, JOHN, what -"

John: "Shhh, Tom, inside voices."

Tom: "Ho ho. Of course, my apologies. Say John, I can't but notice you've picked up a papery thing of some sort. What are you up to, thou irrepressible scamp?"

John: "Why, bosom buddy, this is a BOOK, apparently." (reacting to a look of surprise on his friend's face) "Yes, imagine MY surprise when I not only enjoyed reading a book, but in fact, KNEW HOW TO READ! Big bug yawning, little bug that looks like a moon, little bug standing, THAT SPELLS CAT!"

Tom: "And what is this book called, friend John?"

John: "Mists of Avalon, my compatriot. It's about ladies who are magical, like fairies and midgets! I wonder if they truly exist, I wonder if they'd let ME be a beautiful magic lady or a fairy ..." (John drifts off into daydreams)

Tom: "Ah, you rascal, you. Say, John, how's another Fuzzy Navel wine cooler sound to you?"

John: "Oh, I don't know, Tom. I'll never be a beautiful magic lady or fairy if I don't watch my waistline. I'll just take one of those fat-free yogurts instead."

Tom: "Will do!" (Tom folds up his copy of Martha Stewart Living, and reaches into the igloo cooler for a yogurt) "Say, they're holding yoga classes at the Y next week, what say you and me ... " (Tom pauses, looking as though he's suddenly been made aware of something shocking. He freezes for a moment, then suddenly lunges at John, punching him square in the nose) "GREAT TIJUANA HOOKER, FRIEND JOHN! AVAST!" (he punches John twice more)

John: (muffled) "Gah, was there ... a bee on my face?"

Tom: (pause) "Yes." (pause, hits John again) "But JOHN, HO, that is NOT why I struck you! I sought to wake you with startling shock even as I, in a momentary epiphany just seconds ago, was awakened with shock at our current state of affairs! Like viewing our own bodies through a telescope in a movie theater FROM SPACE, it was as if I could see the withering line of our MANLY ADVENTURING gone SOUTH!"

John: (impressed) "From ... space?"

Tom: "By ODIN'S DUCK BUTTER, LOOK AT US! (he throws the book away) BOOKS? (he throws the clippers away) HYGIENE? (he starts to throw the yogurt away, licks the spoon, then flings it) And what IS this? I pray to God that it didn't COME from the same women who feast on these fruity sludges, MUCH AS THEY EXCRETIONS THEY RESEMBLE!"

John: "By Zues' Magic Thumb, you're right friend Tom! WE WAS SISSIFIED!"

Tom: "True! The long and exhausting wait between adventure here in the CSWA left us emotionally tattered and vulnerable to the pink-and-paisley Barbie-fied VAGINIFICATION of the MODERN WORLD! Our ADVENTUROUS ROOTS were withered and torn up, and in their place ... CHIFFON DOILIES AND this hideous MARTHA STEWART HAG! (holding up the magazine)"

John: "Oh, I don't know, Tom, she's pretty hot for a ninety year old ..."

Tom: "Did I SAY I wouldn't (BLEEP)-(BLEEP) her from (BLEEP) to (BLEEP), old man? WE HAVE A DATE THIS THURSDAY! No, it's not the point, John. We can't allow ourselves to be susceptible to the sissified lure of the city folks! We are MEN OF ADVENTURE! We eat steel wool like rice cakes, only we'd never eat F(BLEEP)G RICE CAKES! We must stay on Adventure!"

John: "YES TOM! Let's get a bottle of whiskey and find out where the high school girls hang out!"

Tom: "More! More adventure than that! If the CSWA can't find a use for us in these droughts of manliness, then we must be fully occupied! Let's stalk an anchorwoman!"

John: "I'm going to F(BLEEP) someone's CAT!"

Tom: "What, again?"

John: "It's been at least an hour, man. Don't diminish my self-worth, it's my hobby, okay?"

Tom: "Fine, fine ..."

John: "Then let's hijack a schoolbus and sell some waifs in TIJUANA!"

Tom: "SELL 'EM? That's a lot of work! F(BLEEP) EM!"


Tom: "HO HO (singing) ADVENTURRRRE ...."

(John and Tom kick the boombox and wander off through the park, kicking over a garbage can and spitting on someone's dog, singing all the time in brash garrulous voices. What deviltry transpires while the CSWA gears up for more inring action? What deviltry indeed ... FTB)

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