AGGRESSION 68: SCARF v. Team VIAGRA
- Thread starter DBrunkGXW
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The following promo was cut in Spanish, but it has been translated to English for the benefit of those who aren't fluent.
The scene is one of those green-screen soundstages, only with the word S.C.A.R.F. graphically represented in the background layered over top an outline of Latin America. In front are the men of the hour, Umpiro and Big Dave Barista, dressed in their ring attire and oiled up like they were wrestling next.
Umpiro: Hello! My name is Umpiro! You may have remembered me from the ULTRATITLE Tournament where I wrestled against Troy Douglas!
BDB: And I am Big Dave Barista. I am new to you, but I assure you this is not my first shift at the cafe, I can assure you.
Umpiro: Together, we are...
Umpiro and BDB: The South and Central American Renegades of Fire!
Umpiro: It is true, I have teamed up with a tag team partner to embark on a fantastic journey towards gold, and inside a steel cage, no less. Usually, on the baseball diamond, the cage, she signifies practice, yet here in the wrestling ring, it is pretty much regular season action, no, the playoffs.
BDB: Yes, we ARE talking playoffs here.
Umpiro: With a tournament of this size and magnitude, it, much like the baseball season, is a marathon, not a sprint. It can be hard to imagine getting through without a stint on the disabled list without using some of Melky Cabrera's special topical cream if you know what I mean, but when a prize as prestigious as the EPW World Tag Team Championships, then you must go into the wall every time. There is no giving yourself up at the plate without charging in. There is no room for the human error. There must be no errors on the scoresheet. We all must stay alert.
BDB: Ah, yes, and I have no problems staying alert. For you see, I am the world's most caffeinated wrestler. When I filled out my physical form, I was tempted to write my blood type as Arabica!
He takes a sip from his comedically oversized mug, which has appeared out of nowhere.
BDB: No, seriously though, my blood type is O-positive. If my blood type were coffee, I would surely be dead, much like my partner here.
Umpiro: No, not dead, but undead, friend!
BDB: Oh you, always a stickler for the rules.
Another sip from his mug, which has grown three sizes.
BDB: We plan on bringing our high energy style to the Americano ring now. We will be on the espresso lane to success faster than you can say "Triple half-caf mocha latte with hazelnut skim creamer". And with a man of the rules on the apron and a coffee aficionado in the ring, you know we are only fueled by a winning work ethic and all the coffee we can drink.
Umpiro: That's not what our competitors are all about. In fact, they are taking a strange, strange drug. Why would they need the penile enhancement to compete in the ring? I am used to seeing the lumber being brought, but this is a bit on the ridiculous side. I may not be able to resist punching them out for inappropriate gesticulation if you know what I mean.
BDB: Ah no, it is but an acronym! It stands for something, but I assure you that they will not be wrestling with what the kids call, the stiffy.
He is now inexplicably underneath a shelf drinking directly out of a restaurant sized coffee urn.
Umpiro: Well then, don't I have the dirt on my shoes then! Either way, Tony Davis and Jack Harmen have a reputation for being unhinged. That is alright, because I've dealt with my share of the insane over the years. I've had batters coming at me with the baseball bat. I've had managers pull guns on me. I've even had fans storm the field because I called their player out at the plate. It was Mexico, mind you.
Barista is now inexplicably in a kiddie pool filled with coffee.
BDB: Yes, Mexico is definitely a shady place, though not as shady as Colombia. My homeland, she is not the picture of stability, which has also prepared me. I know how to tie a Colombian necktie, sadly, and it has done me good in situations I'm not proud of. Let's just say I've had to deal with some interlopers with more than a coffee bean to grind, let me tell you.
Umpiro: That does sound brutal. You see, we are hard.
Barista is now doing a backstroke in an Olympic sized pool filled with coffee.
Umpiro: We are tough, and we are a team ready to conquer the cage and bring gold home south of the border!
BDB: from the pool AND THAT'S A VENTI!
Cut to the next promo screen.
The scene is one of those green-screen soundstages, only with the word S.C.A.R.F. graphically represented in the background layered over top an outline of Latin America. In front are the men of the hour, Umpiro and Big Dave Barista, dressed in their ring attire and oiled up like they were wrestling next.
Umpiro: Hello! My name is Umpiro! You may have remembered me from the ULTRATITLE Tournament where I wrestled against Troy Douglas!
BDB: And I am Big Dave Barista. I am new to you, but I assure you this is not my first shift at the cafe, I can assure you.
Umpiro: Together, we are...
Umpiro and BDB: The South and Central American Renegades of Fire!
Umpiro: It is true, I have teamed up with a tag team partner to embark on a fantastic journey towards gold, and inside a steel cage, no less. Usually, on the baseball diamond, the cage, she signifies practice, yet here in the wrestling ring, it is pretty much regular season action, no, the playoffs.
BDB: Yes, we ARE talking playoffs here.
Umpiro: With a tournament of this size and magnitude, it, much like the baseball season, is a marathon, not a sprint. It can be hard to imagine getting through without a stint on the disabled list without using some of Melky Cabrera's special topical cream if you know what I mean, but when a prize as prestigious as the EPW World Tag Team Championships, then you must go into the wall every time. There is no giving yourself up at the plate without charging in. There is no room for the human error. There must be no errors on the scoresheet. We all must stay alert.
BDB: Ah, yes, and I have no problems staying alert. For you see, I am the world's most caffeinated wrestler. When I filled out my physical form, I was tempted to write my blood type as Arabica!
He takes a sip from his comedically oversized mug, which has appeared out of nowhere.
BDB: No, seriously though, my blood type is O-positive. If my blood type were coffee, I would surely be dead, much like my partner here.
Umpiro: No, not dead, but undead, friend!
BDB: Oh you, always a stickler for the rules.
Another sip from his mug, which has grown three sizes.
BDB: We plan on bringing our high energy style to the Americano ring now. We will be on the espresso lane to success faster than you can say "Triple half-caf mocha latte with hazelnut skim creamer". And with a man of the rules on the apron and a coffee aficionado in the ring, you know we are only fueled by a winning work ethic and all the coffee we can drink.
Umpiro: That's not what our competitors are all about. In fact, they are taking a strange, strange drug. Why would they need the penile enhancement to compete in the ring? I am used to seeing the lumber being brought, but this is a bit on the ridiculous side. I may not be able to resist punching them out for inappropriate gesticulation if you know what I mean.
BDB: Ah no, it is but an acronym! It stands for something, but I assure you that they will not be wrestling with what the kids call, the stiffy.
He is now inexplicably underneath a shelf drinking directly out of a restaurant sized coffee urn.
Umpiro: Well then, don't I have the dirt on my shoes then! Either way, Tony Davis and Jack Harmen have a reputation for being unhinged. That is alright, because I've dealt with my share of the insane over the years. I've had batters coming at me with the baseball bat. I've had managers pull guns on me. I've even had fans storm the field because I called their player out at the plate. It was Mexico, mind you.
Barista is now inexplicably in a kiddie pool filled with coffee.
BDB: Yes, Mexico is definitely a shady place, though not as shady as Colombia. My homeland, she is not the picture of stability, which has also prepared me. I know how to tie a Colombian necktie, sadly, and it has done me good in situations I'm not proud of. Let's just say I've had to deal with some interlopers with more than a coffee bean to grind, let me tell you.
Umpiro: That does sound brutal. You see, we are hard.
Barista is now doing a backstroke in an Olympic sized pool filled with coffee.
Umpiro: We are tough, and we are a team ready to conquer the cage and bring gold home south of the border!
BDB: from the pool AND THAT'S A VENTI!
Cut to the next promo screen.
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JACK HARMEN(V.O.): Were we always like that?
(CUTTO: Jack Harmen and Tony Davis, better known as Team VIAGRA, sitting inside Jack's ever crampt Odessa Wrestling Dungeon. Barely enough for three people, Viagra sits on both sides of Jack's monstrous room encompassing desk. Tony Davis leans forward, head in his hands. High Flyer, meanwhile sits back in his office chair, uncomfortably putting his feet on a stack of paperwork.)
JACK HARMEN: I mean, were we like SCARF?
TONY DAVIS: Nah. I doubt it.
(CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. ARCHIVED FOOTAGE of Tony Davis and High Flyer standing in Flyer's old living room. This must have been during 2001 as Flyer had long blonde hair, and both men looked incredibly young. They also wore IWO t-shirts. Tony Davis holds a small hamster in his hands.)
TONY DAVIS: I bet you I can toss this hamster through the ceiling fan blade.
(Davis and Flyer look up and see the spinning fan blades. The camera tilts up as they look.)
HIGH FLYER: Nah – uh!
(Davis takes a moment, raising and lowering his hand before CHUCKING--
CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. ARCHIVED FOOTAGE – A snowstorm from 2003. Tony Davis is wading through at least ten inches of snow in heavy winter gear. Suddenly, High Flyer comes TUMBLING down a nearby snowy hill by riding the backside of a large african american woman. As he reaches the base of the hill, he jumps off.)
JACK HARMEN: You gotta try this sled!
(Davis frowns.)
TONY DAVIS: That's a fat woman.
(CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. ARCHIVED FOOTAGE. 2005. High Flyer and Tony Davis are in a supermarket, dressed in civilian's clothes. High Flyer studies a large pyramid of canned vegetables. Tony Davis, meanwhile, circles around Flyer.)
TONY DAVIS: (chanting) Jen-ga... Jen-ga...
(Flyer reaches a hand out and grabs a can from the edge of the pyramid. He winces.)
TONY DAVIS: (chanting) Jen-ga... Jen-ga.
(CUTTO: Jack Harmen and Tony Davis sitting inside the Odessa Dungeon's Main Office. Harmen tilts his head to the side. Davis raises his head from his hands, eyes wide.)
TONY DAVIS: Glass brick?
(Flyer nods.)
JACK HARMEN: Stone house.
TONY DAVIS: So we really can't complain about an undead umpire and a Starbucks employee being our first opponents, can we?
JACK HARMEN: Not at all.
(Davis and Harmen wallow in a moment of silence.)
TONY DAVIS: Were we really as weird as them?
JACK HARMEN: Weirder.
TONY DAVIS: I'm just glad to be back in EPW, even if we're facing off against our long lost cousins.
JACK HARMEN: From a parallel dimension.
TONY DAVIS: They brought up this point, and I always wanted to ask...
(Harmen perks his head up.)
JACK HARMEN: Hmm?
TONY DAVIS: Have you actually ever taken... Viagra?
(Harmen stops. His eyes go wide.)
TONY DAVIS: You HAVE! HAVEN'T YOU!
JACK HARMEN: NO!
TONY DAVIS: You totally have! Denial is the first step to admitting the truth!
JACK HARMEN: Unless the denial IS the truth!
TONY DAVIS: You totally took the blue pill. You unlocked the matrix!
JACK HARMEN: Can we not talk about it, okay?
TONY DAVIS: You REALLY did! You did!
JACK HARMEN: Let's just say Kellen Kinkade's sister was a FREAKY DEAKY.
TONY DAVIS: You ATE our BRAND!
JACK HARMEN: Enough, alright? We're violent intellectual athletes. We should act like it!
TONY DAVIS: Yeah, but we're not gaining rapid attention anymore. In fact. I'd wager we've losing the attention we have. We're having a hard time getting booked in Jolt. Empire Pro tossed us aside by having us be beat by CAMERON CRUISE!
JACK HARMEN: YOU, were beat by Cameron Cruise.
TONY DAVIS: Maybe if you made your flight on time.
JACK HARMEN: I had a FUNERAL to attend! I COULDN'T reschedule! What could I say, hey, Kate's brother Pete, can you wait a WEEK before you DIE?!
TONY DAVIS: And now, to get our EPW contracts back, we've got to enter the open field of the King of the Cage. We have to put our aging bodies on the line against some of the most vicious and ferocious competitors this sport has ever SEEN. All because your ex-brother-in-law kicked the bucket and you felt that was more important than backing me up against Cameron Cruise.
(Harmen shrugs.)
JACK HARMEN: It was Cameron Cruise! I thought you had it handled. I didn't think the guy would win the EPW world title, yet alone take YOU out.
TONY DAVIS: Pride was our downfall.
JACK HARMEN: No, our downfall was EPW hiring extra security so we couldn't disrupt their shows after our guest appearance at Aggression 64.
(Davis rubs his head.)
TONY DAVIS: They had really painful billy clubs and I still taste pepper.
JACK HARMEN: So now, to get our jobs back? We have to TAKE, the EPW World Tag Team Titles. To do that, we must first beat Umpiro and Big Dave Barista.
(They pause. Flyer's mouth slowly agapes.)
JACK HARMEN: So... how do we do that?
TONY DAVIS: Well, decapitation. Fire usually works.
JACK HARMEN: But how are we going to pin Umpiro in the ring without him biting us and turning us undead?
TONY DAVIS: Maybe we could make him submit with an ankle lock?
JACK HARMEN: But if he rolls through and counters... it's not just us losing position. It's us losing our LIFE!
(Jack stands, slamming his hands against his office desk. Paperwork flies off onto the floor in a heap.)
JACK HARMEN: I DON'T WANT TO BE A ZOMBIE!
(Harmen begins to whimper and cry.)
JACK HARMEN: I'm used to KILLING zombies.
(Tony Davis stands and pats Harmen on the back.)
TONY DAVIS: There, there.
JACK HARMEN: How can I kill a zombie when I'm a zombie?!? That's hypocritical.
TONY DAVIS: I know. Just let it out.
(Jack winces loudly.)
JACK HARMEN: It doesn't even make sense! Why would a zombie become a professional wrestler?!? And how does a zombie talk!?
TONY DAVIS: Maybe he's some sort of advanced zombie.
(Jack stops wimpering slowly. He still almost hiccups as he speaks like a sedated crying child.)
JACK HARMEN: Like... like sent back and through dimensions from Earth 2149?
TONY DAVIS: Sure. Whatever that means.
JACK HARMEN: So what you're saying, is that Umpiro has DEVOURED GALACTUS?! WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE!
(Jack Harmen wails. He dives head first into Tony as the two embrace.)
(CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. Team VIAGRA, Tony Davis, JACK HARMEN, and Mary-Lynn Mayweather stand in front of an EPW flag. Harmen raises a SHOTGUN from off frame.)
JACK HARMEN: THIS... IS MY BOOMSTICK!
(Harmen draws the shotgun quickly toward the camera.)
JACK HARMEN: And we aren't afraid of no zombies. Just like we ain't afraid of no ghosts, vampires, or PTC WRESTLERS. Cause me and my boomstick? We're gonna blow your FRAKING HEADS OFF!
(Harmen laughs.)
JACK HARMEN: Cause what does it matter? You're UNDEAD ANYWAY!
(Harmen pulls the trigger. CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC as the camera is shot to pieces. FADE TO BLACK.)
(CUTTO: Jack Harmen and Tony Davis, better known as Team VIAGRA, sitting inside Jack's ever crampt Odessa Wrestling Dungeon. Barely enough for three people, Viagra sits on both sides of Jack's monstrous room encompassing desk. Tony Davis leans forward, head in his hands. High Flyer, meanwhile sits back in his office chair, uncomfortably putting his feet on a stack of paperwork.)
JACK HARMEN: I mean, were we like SCARF?
TONY DAVIS: Nah. I doubt it.
(CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. ARCHIVED FOOTAGE of Tony Davis and High Flyer standing in Flyer's old living room. This must have been during 2001 as Flyer had long blonde hair, and both men looked incredibly young. They also wore IWO t-shirts. Tony Davis holds a small hamster in his hands.)
TONY DAVIS: I bet you I can toss this hamster through the ceiling fan blade.
(Davis and Flyer look up and see the spinning fan blades. The camera tilts up as they look.)
HIGH FLYER: Nah – uh!
(Davis takes a moment, raising and lowering his hand before CHUCKING--
CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. ARCHIVED FOOTAGE – A snowstorm from 2003. Tony Davis is wading through at least ten inches of snow in heavy winter gear. Suddenly, High Flyer comes TUMBLING down a nearby snowy hill by riding the backside of a large african american woman. As he reaches the base of the hill, he jumps off.)
JACK HARMEN: You gotta try this sled!
(Davis frowns.)
TONY DAVIS: That's a fat woman.
(CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. ARCHIVED FOOTAGE. 2005. High Flyer and Tony Davis are in a supermarket, dressed in civilian's clothes. High Flyer studies a large pyramid of canned vegetables. Tony Davis, meanwhile, circles around Flyer.)
TONY DAVIS: (chanting) Jen-ga... Jen-ga...
(Flyer reaches a hand out and grabs a can from the edge of the pyramid. He winces.)
TONY DAVIS: (chanting) Jen-ga... Jen-ga.
(CUTTO: Jack Harmen and Tony Davis sitting inside the Odessa Dungeon's Main Office. Harmen tilts his head to the side. Davis raises his head from his hands, eyes wide.)
TONY DAVIS: Glass brick?
(Flyer nods.)
JACK HARMEN: Stone house.
TONY DAVIS: So we really can't complain about an undead umpire and a Starbucks employee being our first opponents, can we?
JACK HARMEN: Not at all.
(Davis and Harmen wallow in a moment of silence.)
TONY DAVIS: Were we really as weird as them?
JACK HARMEN: Weirder.
TONY DAVIS: I'm just glad to be back in EPW, even if we're facing off against our long lost cousins.
JACK HARMEN: From a parallel dimension.
TONY DAVIS: They brought up this point, and I always wanted to ask...
(Harmen perks his head up.)
JACK HARMEN: Hmm?
TONY DAVIS: Have you actually ever taken... Viagra?
(Harmen stops. His eyes go wide.)
TONY DAVIS: You HAVE! HAVEN'T YOU!
JACK HARMEN: NO!
TONY DAVIS: You totally have! Denial is the first step to admitting the truth!
JACK HARMEN: Unless the denial IS the truth!
TONY DAVIS: You totally took the blue pill. You unlocked the matrix!
JACK HARMEN: Can we not talk about it, okay?
TONY DAVIS: You REALLY did! You did!
JACK HARMEN: Let's just say Kellen Kinkade's sister was a FREAKY DEAKY.
TONY DAVIS: You ATE our BRAND!
JACK HARMEN: Enough, alright? We're violent intellectual athletes. We should act like it!
TONY DAVIS: Yeah, but we're not gaining rapid attention anymore. In fact. I'd wager we've losing the attention we have. We're having a hard time getting booked in Jolt. Empire Pro tossed us aside by having us be beat by CAMERON CRUISE!
JACK HARMEN: YOU, were beat by Cameron Cruise.
TONY DAVIS: Maybe if you made your flight on time.
JACK HARMEN: I had a FUNERAL to attend! I COULDN'T reschedule! What could I say, hey, Kate's brother Pete, can you wait a WEEK before you DIE?!
TONY DAVIS: And now, to get our EPW contracts back, we've got to enter the open field of the King of the Cage. We have to put our aging bodies on the line against some of the most vicious and ferocious competitors this sport has ever SEEN. All because your ex-brother-in-law kicked the bucket and you felt that was more important than backing me up against Cameron Cruise.
(Harmen shrugs.)
JACK HARMEN: It was Cameron Cruise! I thought you had it handled. I didn't think the guy would win the EPW world title, yet alone take YOU out.
TONY DAVIS: Pride was our downfall.
JACK HARMEN: No, our downfall was EPW hiring extra security so we couldn't disrupt their shows after our guest appearance at Aggression 64.
(Davis rubs his head.)
TONY DAVIS: They had really painful billy clubs and I still taste pepper.
JACK HARMEN: So now, to get our jobs back? We have to TAKE, the EPW World Tag Team Titles. To do that, we must first beat Umpiro and Big Dave Barista.
(They pause. Flyer's mouth slowly agapes.)
JACK HARMEN: So... how do we do that?
TONY DAVIS: Well, decapitation. Fire usually works.
JACK HARMEN: But how are we going to pin Umpiro in the ring without him biting us and turning us undead?
TONY DAVIS: Maybe we could make him submit with an ankle lock?
JACK HARMEN: But if he rolls through and counters... it's not just us losing position. It's us losing our LIFE!
(Jack stands, slamming his hands against his office desk. Paperwork flies off onto the floor in a heap.)
JACK HARMEN: I DON'T WANT TO BE A ZOMBIE!
(Harmen begins to whimper and cry.)
JACK HARMEN: I'm used to KILLING zombies.
(Tony Davis stands and pats Harmen on the back.)
TONY DAVIS: There, there.
JACK HARMEN: How can I kill a zombie when I'm a zombie?!? That's hypocritical.
TONY DAVIS: I know. Just let it out.
(Jack winces loudly.)
JACK HARMEN: It doesn't even make sense! Why would a zombie become a professional wrestler?!? And how does a zombie talk!?
TONY DAVIS: Maybe he's some sort of advanced zombie.
(Jack stops wimpering slowly. He still almost hiccups as he speaks like a sedated crying child.)
JACK HARMEN: Like... like sent back and through dimensions from Earth 2149?
TONY DAVIS: Sure. Whatever that means.
JACK HARMEN: So what you're saying, is that Umpiro has DEVOURED GALACTUS?! WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE!
(Jack Harmen wails. He dives head first into Tony as the two embrace.)
(CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. Team VIAGRA, Tony Davis, JACK HARMEN, and Mary-Lynn Mayweather stand in front of an EPW flag. Harmen raises a SHOTGUN from off frame.)
JACK HARMEN: THIS... IS MY BOOMSTICK!
(Harmen draws the shotgun quickly toward the camera.)
JACK HARMEN: And we aren't afraid of no zombies. Just like we ain't afraid of no ghosts, vampires, or PTC WRESTLERS. Cause me and my boomstick? We're gonna blow your FRAKING HEADS OFF!
(Harmen laughs.)
JACK HARMEN: Cause what does it matter? You're UNDEAD ANYWAY!
(Harmen pulls the trigger. CUTTO: MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC as the camera is shot to pieces. FADE TO BLACK.)