Ahhhh...another visit with the boys of The Bored of Edukashun. What a quaint stroll down Wierdness Lane. Right at the corner of Absurdity Avenue. So come along fellows travelers to those thrilling days of yesteryear and ummm...oh poopie I lost the script...where is that thing now?
While the narrator looks for his script our scene opens with Sherman Wentworth in the ring of a run down old boxing gym doing jumping jacks. His rather beer bellied frame is clad in a sweat stained jogging suit. He's Sweating to the Oldies apparently, as Richard Simmons' somewhat shrill voice echoes from the monitor outside the ring, just out of view.
Tyler Hensen however is otherwise occupied , reading the Wall Street journal, and smoking a cigar, his feet up. His suit looks like a veritable million bucks, as per usual.
Wentworth: Puh...please let me stop...this SUCKS! If I hear any more of this guy's whining I'm gonna be sick...
Tyler Hensen lowers his newspaper and eyes the remote control that sits at his desk before him, but makes no move to grab it.
Hensen: What's the magic word?
Wentworth: Come on I said please already...
Tyler grabs the remote and hits a button, suddenly you hear a crackling electric sound and Sherman goes into spasms, falling to the ground bucking and convulsing.
Hensen: Now then...WHAT is the magic word?
Wentworth(out of breath): L...Lakers suck....can I stop now? Please???
Tyler nods. Yeah...that stuff was just to punish you really. Your real exercise is upcoming...first you gotta eat, get some of your strength back.
The scene fades and is replaced moments later by a shot of the boys in their kitchen. Sherman is seated at the cheap plastic-y dining table with a Red Lobster bib around his neck. Tyler is off camera. A microwave dings indicating Sherman's meal is done.
Hensen: Ahhhh...here it is...your nutritional food. Yummy. I sure am jealous of you. You get all this healthy good for you stuff, and I have to go out and eat fattening, life-shortening, artery-clogging steaks. Lucky devil you.
Sherman doesn't fall for that a moment, his face growing longer at the mere thought of steaks. Tyler is in charge though...cause Stone Cold said so.
Wentworth: I...I could go for you?
Hensen: Heh...that's a valiant try on your part, but no. This meal is going to get you in peak physical condition for your next challenge. Now just eat your dinner.
Sherman is served a bowl of what could graciously be called slop. Whatever it is it gives soup a bad name. Lots of...gelatinous bits melted in the microwave. There's stuff you could PROBABLY call meat floating on the surface.
Sherman's lower lip trembles as he looks helplessly at it, then at Tyler, then at it again, looking like he might cry.
Just as he opens his mouth to say something, Tyler shovels in a big spoonful of the – food I suppose – into his partner's mouth.
Hensen: Now there's a good boy! Open up wide for the choo-choo train! Whooowoooo!
Wentworth: Would you stop it! I'm not a child and I don't WANNA eat this junk! It's gross and repulsive and...and...
Hensen: If you eat it all like a good boy we can go to Chuck E. Cheese's tomorrow for dinner.
Wentworth: Chucky? Oh boy!!!
Hensen: When you're done eating, I need you go to this address and do as you are told.
Tyler hands Sherman a slip of paper and smiles innocently, almost too innocently, as we slowly fade away.
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The camera fades in to show a Grade 6 class buzzing about a "surprise guest". A woman is standing at the front of the excited class.
Teacher: Alright, class, settle down.
Uncharacteristically, the class does pipe down in an instant.
Teacher: My, that was painless! Now, I want you all to welcome our special guest, Sherman Wentworth!
Sherman walks through the door. He is wearing a leather jacket, open partially to reveal a shirt that says "I did not escape...they gave me a day pass". The sight of the bustling class overwhelms him.
Wentworth: Uhhh... hi.
The children stare in a sort of captivated, mesmerized sort of way. Sherman begins to sweat as he wonders just what Hensen got him into this time.
Teacher: Now, class, Mr. Wentworth will be taking you to the museum today!
An excited murmur follows this announcement.
Teacher: Let's go!
As the class rises out of their seats, the scene fades to reveal an inside shot of a museum exhibit. The class rounds a corner, followed by the semi-nervous Sherman.
The class approaches a large skeleton of a T-Rex.
Teacher: So, Mr. Wentworth, what do you think about dinosaurs?
Sherman scratches his beard.
Wentworth: They're...big?
A somewhat disappointed look crosses the teacher's face.
Teacher: Wait here class!
The teacher pulls Sherman aside by the arm. They round a corner.
Teacher: Do you have anything positive to contribute to the trip?
Sherman looks around nervously.
Wentworth: I'm a wrestler, ma'am. I don't necessarily do things like this on a daily basis.
Teacher: Well, why couldn't they send someone who would know a little something about fossils, or dinosaurs, or history?
A long pause follows. Sherman puts a hand on his forehead.
Wentworth: Because my partner has a sick sense of humor?
Teacher: Well, some help you are! Listen to me. Just go out there and say something. Make this experience memorable for those kids.
Wentworth nods dejectedly and turns around the corner. The children all turn their heads to see both return. Some snicker and joke that the two were kissing around the corner, but they all quiet down when Sherman comes into hearing distance.
Teacher: So, anyways, class, we were talking about the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Care to share something about the T-Rex, Mr. Wentworth?
Sherman's breath catches as the entire class turns to look at him.
Wentworth: Well... I do know that... Rex means King...
The teacher looks impressed.
Teacher: Why, that's right!
A smile crosses Sherman's face.
Wentworth: I guess it is...
The teacher smiles. A boy asks to go use the washroom, and the teacher nods. As the boy leaves, the children move to another exhibit. Sherman looks up at the T-Rex.
Teacher: And this is a fossil from the late Cretaceous period...
Wentworth: I got a huge BONER!
The class whips around to see Wentworth manipulating the T-Rex skeleton's mouth. The children burst out laughing, and Sherman fails to stifle a grin. The teacher looks a bit ashamed, but decides to let it go.
Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off.
Teacher: Alright, class, remain calm! Down the stairs, hurry now!
The teacher excitedly huddles the children down the stairs as Sherman follows.
They reach the bottom of the stairs. Every floor within two levels of the floor they were on is illuminated with a tell-tale red flicker.
Teacher: Okay, role call.
The teacher begins to call out names. The fourth name is not accounted for.
Teacher: Simon... Simon? Simon!
She looks among the group, who look among each other.
Teacher: Oh no...Oh no!! Simon's in the bathroom on the third floor!
Everyone looks up at the third set of windows. It too is illuminated.
Wentworth: Jesus...
With little warning, Sherman bolts back through the door.
Teacher: Sherman!!
The children gasp. The camera view switches to that of a security camera room. It follows Wentworth's progression up a flight of smoky stairs. Sherman stops for a bit, when he begins to cough uncontrollably. After going up two sets of stairs, Wentworth comes out into a hazy hallway, as the camera pans to take in the new sight.
Wentworth: Simon!! Simon!! Come on buddy, speak to me!!
Wentworth's shouts echo throughout the building. He looks frantically for a bathroom sign. Finding one, he ducks inside. A moment later, he comes out. He goes quickly to where the dinosaur display was. The T-Rex skeleton is on fire, and a steady stream of fire threatens to engulf his feet. Seeing a bathroom sign, he ducks into the opening.
Wentworth: Come on Simon, talk to me!
The camera pans over to show a screen of the inside of the bathroom. Sherman walks into the view of the camera. Two bathroom stalls adorn the right side. One of them has feet sticking out beneath them. Sherman chokes on the smoke present in the building.
Wentworth: Come on, Simon, open the door, we've gotta get out. Come on kid! COME ON!!
Receiving no response, he grabs the top of the door, and with a Herculean feat of strength, rips the door off it's hinges. Okay, the door wasn't really locked, so it simply knocks him off balance. He enters the stall and picks up an unconscious young boy.
Wentworth: Oh God, oh God, oh God, wake up kid, don't do this to me, buddy! Come on!!
He runs out of the bathroom. As the camera pans around, the security screen shows that the floor in front of him is completely engulfed in flame. He coughs loudly, then tries to jump the flaming gap. He lands about three quarters of the way away from clean ground. Screaming and swearing, he leaps out of the flame and lands safely. He rounds several corners, and ends up back at the stairway. The corridor is on fire, save for the platform at the bottom. He turns around, then leaps down the stairs, landing on the unburned ground and shoving his shoulder into the wall to break his momentum. He turns the corner, and repeats the process for the next stretch of stairs, as the camera follows his progress to the bottom. Wentworth walks out into the open, with Simon in his arms.
Teacher: Oh my God!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...
The teacher babbles as Sherman sets Simon down on the ground gently and the teacher tends to him.
Wentworth: He'll be alright... He's just a little out of breath...
The children look up at him in awe. The sobbing teacher breaks from Simon and hugs him across the midsection. Wentworth looks a bit embarrassed, and pats the teacher on the back.
Teacher: Thank you so much...
As the camera fades, Wentworth smiles awkwardly as he rubs his shoulder.
It's the first timne he's ever been considered a hero.
