(We fade in from black... reviewing stock footage played in slow motion to a brooding choral solo leading into an epic orchestral piece. We see highlights of the greatest tag team to ever grace the Empire Pro Wrestling ring... those once known as the CRIMSON CALLING.)
Champions of honor, strength, and vision...
(The man remembered as "Erik Black" is shown diving off the top rope into a graceful moonsault, coming down tremendously onto an unlucky opponent.)[/i]
Warriors of virtue and prestige...
(We see a clip of the giant only known as "Ivan Dalkichev" pulverizing an opponent head-first into the mat with a gargantuan sit-down piledriver.)
And brothers of mind and spirit...
(We see a lasting image of both men standing side by side in the ring, holding the Empire Pro Wrestling Tag Team Titles high for the thousands of fans in attendance and millions more watching at home.)
In that day, they ruled the battlefield as true gods of war...
(We fade to a silhouetted image of both men standing side by side, present day.)
But on this day, we will always remember their revival... and the subsequent RAPTURE!
(The lights come up, revealing the new and improved tag team legends. Black bounds forward, arms spreading out to his sides as he beams the biggest ****-eating grin on his face.)
THE CHROOOOOOONIIIIIIIIIIIC...... COOOOOOLLLLLLIIIIIIZZZZZIIIIIIIIIOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!!
Formerly Crimson Calling.
(*crickets chirp for several awkward moments.*)
Hello once again, Empire Pro... did you miss us? Surely, you couldn't have easily forgotten about good ol' "Hammer 'n' Sickle"...
(Erik, sporting a loud red and black Hawaiian print shirt and a sock hat pulled down to his eyes, jabs Ivan in the rib as though signalling a punch line. Ivan, all four hundred plus pounds of himself filling up his black sweat pants and red ribbed t-shirt, blinks dreamily.)
Although, I'm sure many of you have WILLINGLY forgotten about us. Out of SPITE, I'm sure. Or simply sheer jealousy.
But since our departure many years ago, Ivan and I have gone through many changes. We've had highs and lows... ups and downs... lefts and rights... B's and A's and even Starts here, now and again.
...did I just recite the Konami Code?
Uh... anyway, Ivan and I have since gone under new management. We dropped the whole Communist shtick that we've noticed is being ripped off in seemingly every fed across the globe. You got "Gentleman" Jonathan Marxism... a couple of Roman emporers... nah, it just seems as though the red star thing has lost its appeal.
We'd rather come out and be ourselves. As Socialists? Nah... but still liberal as hell.
(Erik takes a moment to turn his back to the camera, pull something out of his pocket, and puff on it momentarily. At the same time, Ivan turns the other way and sips something clear from a bottle--although a "sip" to Ivan Dalkichev is something that could likely drown a household pet or small child.)
(With a cough and a belch, both men innocently turn back to the camera.)
So I can hear some of you asking... why come back after all this time? Why try to reclaim our place in a division that's moved on in a federation that's moved up? What is our MOTIVE?
Well the answer is simple...
(Black leans in close, squinting.)
To prove a point to a certain someone out there...
(Ivan peeks in over his shoulder.)
And need money to make rent.
Well yeah, there's that too. Gotta pay the bills, after all... especially since they've been stacking up pretty high over the past year.
(The two exchange a troubled glance, then focus back on the camera.)
So it seems that the first team set in our path back to the Tag Team titles is a couple of regulars known as "Class Act". Ivan, what was that name again?
Never heard of them. Have you?
Do you care?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING!!!
You see... Ivan and I have been working together in this business for many years. We practically think alike.
(We get a seperate shots of Erik grinning stupidly and Ivan looking off into the distance, a fly buzzing around his head. We are certain that almost one of them is thinking about absolutely nothing at all.)
I hate to say it... but "Class Act" is merely the first act in the epic drama that will unfold in coming months as the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!--
Formerly Crimson Calling.
--make their way back to the top!
I mean, let's be serious... does anybody really see this match as anything other than the return of Erik Black and Ivan Dalkichev to the wrestling ring? Do we even know who these guys are? We have yet to hear a word or see a shred of their history. For all we know, Ivan and I could be stepping into the ring with a pair of Siamese twin MIDGETS who can wrestles and juggle at the same time.
...oddly enough, I think THAT sort of team would fare better than the couple of hopeless curtain jerkers they likely are.
I don't mean to be arrogant... but when you consider the amount of experience Ivan and I have as a tag team, our previous success in this federation, and the little known fact that we are STILL undefeated in tag team competition in Empire Pro, well... you almost wonder if any team really stands a chance.
So here's our promise, Empire Pro... for those of you who are still heartbroken to see us return, we'll make it short and sweet at Wrestlestock. Class Act will be the first example of what's to come in the future of EPW's tag team division.
Need I remind you of our capabilities?
They call me the "Escape Artist", cause there ain't a DAMN THING that can keep me pinned down or held up! Before you could so much as lift a single one of your flabby arms to throw a punch, I'd just as soon be behind you with a boot already lodged halfway up your lower intestine. I will wrestle CIRCLES around any many until he can't tell his elbow from his OTHER elbow! And I could just as easily CRIPPLE any man before he can scream in panic!
Ivan, tell them what you do!
I vjork women in ass.
...no, Ivan, there's no women in this match. Only Class Act.
I vjork them in ass!
I'm not even going to ask...
Well fans, that's all the time we have for you today... but be sure to tune in to Wrestlestock for an event you'll all surely remember to the end of your days!
The RETURN of...
"THE ESCAPE ARTIST" Erik Black!
(Black strikes a pose!)
"THE RAGING RUSSIAN" Ivan Dalkichev!
(Ivan goes for the pose, but ends up collapsing out of frame.)
THE CHRROOOOONNIIIIC COLLLLIZZZZIIIOOON!!!
Formerly Crimson Calling.
(Fade to black like the resin at the bottom of my bowl.)
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