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Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap


Jan 1, 2000
(CUT TO: RUDY SEITZER, in a suit, holding a house-mic in front of a CSWA backdrop. On the bottom of the screen, in white letters, it reads SAN DIEGO! THIS WEEKEND! CSWA ACTION!)

RUDY: (already talking)... that's right folks, right here in beautiful San Diego, we will see a World Tag Team Title defense between the tag team of the new millennium, Simply Stunning against the diabolical duo known as The Professionals... a four corners match between four of the legends of this sport... AND a World Title match between the CSWA's two greatest young lions as Wicked Sight tries to show Evan Aho just who runs the pagentry. Folks, you don't want to--

(At that point, "The Original King of Cool" JJ DeVille-- his hair permed, wearing an "Eddy 4 Prez" belly shirt, cut-off jeans with his Greensboro Title around his waist comes walking up to Rudy from the left. He is also holding nunchucks. Rudy immediately rolls his eyes.)

RUDY: Oh, what is it now? What do you want? Doesn't Eddy Love need his pool cleaned?

JJ: (with a nervous look) Oh MAN! I knew I forgot to do something today! Geez, I hope Mister Love and Miss Melissa don't fire me. There's a lot of competition for my job, you know. Eddy gets like 50,000 resumes a day from people looking to work for him--

RUDY: (interrupting) I'm sure, I'm sure. Can you PLEASE tell me what it is you are doing out here? Can't you see that I'm in the middle of doing some promo work for the show in San Diego.

JJ: (puts his arm around Rudy) Well, you know Rhubarb, I came out here to help YOU help yourself. I know that not everyone can be as totally dudacious as me, not everyone can have the bod (JJ flexes his non-existant muscles) of a god, legs of lightning, hands of stone. Rhubarb, you do your job well-- you're very good at holding a microphone while real superstars such as James Justice Juventud Jamar DeVille... The Original King of Cool... The Human Weapon... YOUR World Greensboro Champion... do the talking. But, Buckley, you aren't the all-around consumate performer that *I* am.

RUDY: What are you talking about? I think *I* could even pin you in the ring. All you're good at is getting Eddy Love water!

JJ: Yes, Bill, I am good at that. But I am also good at washing his car. I am also good at reminding Sweet Melissa how beautiful she is every time she walks into the room. I'm very good at being a Greensboro champion, helping to restore the image of this (JJ taps the belt) title that was so devastatingly tarnished by Shane Southern... if that is indeed his real name.

RUDY: Oh, give me a break--

JJ: Rudes, I'm just, like, the awesomest wrestler ever also. So, Rudebarb, I saw you out here struggling like a dog trying to swim across Lake Hartwell, where Eddy Love has one of his many mansions, trying to sell some tickets for San Juan and I decided to help YOU help yourself. The good folks of Santa Fe California aren't going to go out to their decrepid, minor league facility because you're promoting matches with Kevin Aho and Sicked White... they are going to come to the arena by the truckful-- and face it, these redneck neo-maxie zoom dweebies only drive pickup trucks-- to see The Hurricane, The Legend Killer, The Great Humanitarian Eddy Love beat (singing, putting a finger up with each count) not-a-one, not-a-two, but-a-THREE other wrestlers that night as he once again reassures everyone that he's the brightest star in this sport... and they're also going to come in their broken down 1982 VW Bugs to see Eddy Love's MAIN MAN... his protege... his star pupil... defend the CSWA World Greensboro Championship, the most lusted after title that Eddy Love has never had, against that rascal coward cheat Shawn Southern--

RUDY: JJ, no one is paying a cent to see you wrestle. I mean, a lot of people, myself included, might spend a lot of money to see Shane Southern beat you like a rented mule...

JJ: I beg to differ, Rudy. The Original King of Cool is the second biggest star in this sport, behind Eddy Love of course. And right now, I want to give these great fans in Seattle a taste of JJ! I've made a music video of my greatest moments that is SURE to sell like 800 million more tickets than the nine gazillion The REAL Southern Dandy has already sold. ROLL THE TAPE!


(Rudy is cut off by the music, which is "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. The Australian metal blares and it shows JJ in the ring, dancing like an idiot, followed by a shot of him swinging around his nunchucks.

CUT TO: Lance Leisure in the ring against JJ. JJ hits a karate chop.
CUT TO: An obviously out-of-order shot, this time of Lance Leisure on the ground with the parts of his broken skateboard lying next to him.
CUT TO: GUNS in the ring, mad at JJ. JJ strikes guns from behind with a karate blow.
CUT TO: Another obviously out-of-order shot, this time of GUNS rolling arund the mat in pain, a spike sticking out of his knee.
CUT TO: JJ kicking an imaginary opponent.
CUT TO: Shane Southern, on the cement from the battle royal match.
CUT TO: JJ kicking anouther imaginary opponent.
CUT TO: A bloodied Hornet from 1991.
CUT TO: JJ ducking an imaginary blow, then spinning around with a karate kick.
CUT TO: Mike Randalls, unconcious in a parking lot attack from years back.
CUT TO: JJ flexing his muscles.
CUT TO: An unconcious Evan Aho.)

RUDY: Okay, enough with that. (Turns indignantly to JJ.) Do you HONESTLY belive that you did all of this? It's well documented that you have yet to even hit an offensive move in your career--

JJ: (Ignoring Rudy, pushing him aside, staring directly at the camera.) SAN FERNANDO, CALIFORNIA... THIS WEEKEND... I, James Justin Jagger Jamar DeVille will be engaged in a match for THIS (again taps the title) the CSWA WORLD GREENSBORO TITLE. I will be fighting for its HONOR and its PRESTIGE against the mysterious man from down under who calls himself SHANE SOUTHERN. SHANE SOUTHERN... IF THAT IS INDEED YOUR REAL NAME... you owned this title belt at one time until I pried it from your fat, grubby, disgusting, dirtcaked hands. And now I understand that you want it back. Well, Southern, you know FIRST HAND the damage that the man who is registered as a Human Weapon in 46 states, 4 Candian Provinces and 19 breakaway Russian nations can do. If you were a smart man, you would just retire from this sport IMMEDIATELY. But if you do muster up the strength to face me like a man in San Luis Obispo... you're going to go to the same place Lance Loser went... the same place where I put GUNS, the so-called strongest arms in the world... where I put Mike Randalls, Hornet, Eli Flair... with the assistance and tuteladge of my main main muchacho Eduardo Amoray, of course... and that's where the downboys go, Southern. Because where they go, no one gets up. Shane Southern, you will be UNABLE to Avoid The Noid this weekend and after I cripple you and send you into a dorm room with Christopher Reeves you are going to look emptilly out of a window and ask yourself simply... WWJJD. WHAT WOULD JJ DO? I'm the CSWA WORLD GREENSBORO CHAMPION... I'm JJ DeVille... and I am simply DE BOMB!

RUDY: Is that it? Are you finally done? Aren't you running late to change the oil in Eddy's car?

JJ: (looks panicked again) Oh man, thanks for reminding me, Rudolph the Fat Announcer. I gotta gogoGO! Mister Love might be mad!

(JJ runs off. Rudy shakes his head.)

RUDY: Folks, this weekend in San Diego. JJ DeVille, Eddy Love's manservant, defends the CSWA Greensboro Title that he stole from the RIGHTFUL champion Shane Southern... I'm sure you'll want to be there when Shane Southern decapitates that annoying turd! (FTB)

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