Ok first off, Adam, I would suggest that you gingerly reach behind you and check something out because I think someone put his girlfriend's dildo up the wrong asshole.
As for booking it the way I would like, Ok, I'll even book the entire show segment by segment. Ready? Here goes:
Show starts with Joey Styles in front of the big ECW sign that he was always standing in front of. He welcomes us to the ppv and starts flipping out - as usual. Eugene makes a return and says that Vince McMahon has made him the colour commentator to protect his "vested in interest" and also to make the night a little more "special"
Curtain Jerker: Chris Benoit vs Eddie Geurrero vs Rey Mysterio vs Psicosis
This match serves one purpose and one purpose only. This will allow all the hardcore ECW fans to be able to claim that "ECW was more than hardcore wrestling". This match will allow them to claim that ECW was "all about real wrestling and lucha libre" despite the obvious reality that ECW was strictly hardcore wrestling and only had the other stuff as filler. Here's the S.A.T. equilivant of my point - Pure wrestling/lucha libre : ECW as Tag Team wrestling/Lingere Pillow Fights : WWE. Rey will win this match because well, Psicosis sucks and Benoit and Geurrero - mid match - will become very depressed when they realize that their careers have already peaked and they just can't do it anymore.
Paul Heyman will come out and talk in distinct syllables and challenge Bischoff's Army to invade saying that he is not afraid.
First Ever Alcoholics Anonymous Match: Steve Austin vs The Sandman
The rules are simple. Both men stand in opposite corners. A table filled with various beers from around the world is lowered into the center of the ring and the first one to break down and drink, loses.
(Props to John for this one)
Godzilla Challenge: Tajiri vs Masato Tanaka
This match takes place outside the arena. ECW gets the giant blow up Godzilla thing used by Fucillo Motors in their commericals and Godzilla chases the two down the street and the first one to make the other trip/fall down wins. The prize: watching the loser getting eaten by Godzilla.
Flaming Tables Triple Threat Match: The D-d-d-d-d-d-d-dudley Boys vs Spike/Mikey Whipwreck vs Doring & Roadkill
This will be a good old-fashion ECW match that will end in a true "HOLY ****" moment when three men (in doesn't matter who) go through the tables at the same time. However too much lighter fluid would be spilled resulting in the ring igniting on fire. Firefighters would rush to ringside and extinguish the flames causing a new ring to be put in it's place.
While the new ring is being erected, we cut to the back where we find Francine, Dawn Marie, Beullah, Kimona, and all the other skanks ECW ever employed getting started in a huge girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-girl-on etc orgy. Eventually the camera pans back to see Paul Heyman nodding and says "I always wanted to do that on ECW programming". Then it's back to the arena where ECW staff are handing out paper towels and mops to the men in the audience.
Tazz vs Sabu
This will start off as a good match but soon Tazz will cower in the corner crying that he is no longer a wrestler, he's a commentator now. He pleads for Sabu not to hurt him. Sabu doesn't buy into Tazz's ploy and grabs a chair. Sabu sets up the chair in the middle of the ring, runs, jumps off it, over shoots the ropes, lands on the outside, and promptly breaks his own neck.
Six Man Tag Team Match: Al Snow, Axl Rotten, & Balls Mahoney vs bWo (Big Stevie Cool, Da Blue Guy, Hollywood Nova)
Twenty minute match ends with Al Snow making peace and offering a chance to take all the participants back to the dressing room for "Head".
Main Event: Tommy Dreamer vs Rhyno vs Rob Van Dam for the ECW World Title.
This match ends when the WWE Army invades the match and beats down the participants. The ECW lockerroom empites and a giant brawl ensues. Eventually though, the WWE Army gets the upper hand and they pile the ECW guys in the middle of the ring. Then the WWE guys pull out their dicks and take a collective piss on the ECW guys. Paul Heyman looks on in sheer shock. Vince McMahon walks up to him and says, "You know those loans you owe me?" "Yeah" "Consider us even"
There. You did ask me to book it "the way you would have liked". That's how I would like it booked. How's that for using my imgaination?