(CUT TO: The black CSWA backdrop. Standing in front of it is CSWA TV Personality Rudy Seitzer -- slighlty overweight, wearing a black CSWA blazer over a dress shirt and tie, holding an old-school pen microphone.)
RUDY: Folks, in just a few short days we're going to be headed to one of our old-time stomping grounds, the Myriad in Oklahoma City. And making his 2005 in-ring CSWA debut, fresh off a stint jet-setting around Hollywood while filming a UPN sit-com... is none other than the man coming out who has just requested some camera time. Ladies and gentleman, this is Troy Windham.
(Troy walks in from the left, head tilted up towards the lights, wearing his dark shades, and a TV ON THE RADIO T, looking like he just got off the stage with The Strokes. Behind him is large man -- 6-foot-8 or so, 325, with a bald head with the letter Z left in hair on each side of his head, shirtless. Next to him is a smaller kid, younger looking, with dyed dreadlocks and his eyebrow pierced, wearing a shirt that reads BONO SAYS MAKE TRADE FAIR! The muscular man stands behind Troy, flexing his large arms, looking like he's about to shoot lazers through his eyes. The younger punk just gives off the "prick" vibe-- pouting his lips, shaking his head up and down.)
RUDY: Troy Windham, it seems like you have returned with some friends...
TROY: Well, Rudy my man... (the younger kid snickers and starts pulling lint off of Rudy's blazer, Rudy looks to his side and sees the big muscle man staring him down.) When you're a celebrity of MY magnitude, you always travel in style. Y'see, you may have heard. I'm Troy Windham. Big Daddy T. The Epitome. THE KING OF ALL WRESTLING. (Younger punk: (clapping and leaping like a hyperactive child) YOU ARE! YEAH YOU ARE!) And the timing for my return is right. I already grossed a couple million in my films in 2004. Won a Cable Ace award for my performance in THE DEEP END where I played a star quarterback who becomes paralyzed in a freak diving accident on the Lifetime network. Just wrapped up shooting THE BOYZ R BACK IN TOWN for UPN with my main man Dan Cortese -- you, Danimal, give me a page... and I also saw that the CSWA... nay... THE ENTIRE WRESTLING INDUSTRY... has been hurting.
RUDY: Well, Troy, we could debate that --
(PUNK: No way! No debatin' the FACTS, man!)
TROY: No, Rudy, there is NO debate. The Epitome has seen CSWA broadcasting alongside these lesser promotions... indicating, to my trained business eye... that this league is in trouble. This league and, most importantly, this ENTIRE INDUSTRY... needs a savior. So here I am, Rudy, back and ready to take on the mantle of the person who will singlehandedly bring wrestling BACK to its prime. I have returned, Rudy Seitzer, to be professional wrestling's PERSONAL JESUS... the man who will save us all!
RUDY: And I suppose these folks with you are here to help you in your mission?
TROY: Allow me to introduce you to my entourage, Rudy. The big man behind you... (Troy slaps his chest as he grunts.) I met him when I was on the island of Ibiza in the Mediterannean, having a fab-oh time with Cameron Diaz.... standing outside a nightclub, bouncing heads who didn't wear expensive enough Cole Haan shoes. I took one look at this guy and I knew, right away... I had to have him. He's not a man of many words, Rudy... but he's a man who I PAY A LOT OF MONEY to watch my back. Rudy Seitzer... CSWA... I, Troy Windham, the Epitome presents to you... ZOLTAN! Go ahead, Rudy... ask my man Big Z a question.
RUDY: (Zoltan staring a hole through him.) Well, Zoltan... I---
(Zoltan steps sideways, his head up, starts flexing his chest muscles like Super Macho Man at the end of Punch-Out. He then growls loudly, flexing his arms in the air. Rudy gulps as Troy and the young kid next to him laugh it up.)
TROY: I love it when he does that! He's the life of all my parites!
RUDY: I bet--
(The young kid grabs the mic.)
AUGUST: And I am to! Rudy... CSWA... AMERICA... allow youself to meet... AUGUST DE LA ROSSI. And I am here to be THIS SPORTS NEXT GREAT SUPERSTAR... under the tutaledge, of course, of my personal benefactor Troy Windham, the greatest of all time!
RUDY: (rolling his eyes) Where did you find this one? Oh boy...
TROY: Well, Rudy, where else... but art school?
AUGUST: That's right, Rudy. I'm not one of these common, muscle headed steroid freaks who come out here routinely... no offense Z-Man... I AM AN ARTIST. These other wrestlers, these idiot fans... they don't know what it's like being the SOCIAL VANGUARD on the CUTTING EDGE. Do you think Tom Adler has EVERY SMITHS RECORD ever released? NUH-UH. Do you think Joey Melton has ever heard of JOY DIVISION? NUH-UH. Well, my main man, I have. For the past five years, I've been in ART SCHOOL learning about the world of art, working in an indie rock record store by day, and training to be a wrestler at night. But the art school teachers... THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! So I'm here TO MAKE THE WORLD UNDERSTAND... even though THE WORLD WILL NOT LISTEN!
RUDY: And what exactly is your message, August? I'm just dying to know...
AUGUST: Oh, I got a mesage for you, Rudy! That's from the Specials seminal 1979 debut album, bet you didn't know that... I am here to talk to you about global injustice, about global suffering, about the ills of YOUR world. Because this planet IS NOT FAIR. It's not fair that millions of dirty third worlders LIVE IN HUTS ON LESS THAN ONE DOLLAR A DAY... it's not fair that George W. Bush was elected president, despite him not ever hearing the new Pavement re-release... and most importantly it's not fair that the wrestling business has SUFFERED the way it has despite the presence of my benefactor, the greatest wrestler of all time. (Troy nods in approval.) I, August De La Rossi, am a WRESTLING ARTISTE. And I am here with Troy Windham to SAVE THIS SPORT FROM ITSELF. We will MOLD this sport in OUR image and we will once again bring it to greatness...
RUDY: Oh dear... someone's a tad high on themselves without even having a match!
AUGUST: I'm not high! I passed the urine screen!
TROY: Rudy, my quest to save this sport is a two-fold attack. First, Zoltan and August here... THE ENTOURAGE... they WILL procure me every single tag title in the world. And second, I will go on my quest to show the wrestling world that I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. And my earthly mission will first begin in Oklahoma City, a decrepid city in desperate need of a saving! Evan Aho, you are one of the many dozens I hold responsible for the STATE of this industry. Your robotic demeanor, your no-nonsense attitude... your overall BORING skill-set. I will prove to you that I am your superior OUT of the ring... and your superior IN IT as well. And I want everyone to watch, especially one Steve Radder, another one of the wretched masses who DEVALUED MY TITLE--
AUGUST: -- Like Argentinan currency, THANKS TO THE INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND! MAKE TRADE FAIR!
TROY: -- and brought this promotion that I built to the status of some common no-name BINGO HALL LEAGUE. Gather around, boys, because in a few short nights you are going to hear The Gospeal According to Troy Windham... WRESTLING'S PERSONAL JESUS!
(Zoltan, Troy and August walk off. Rudy shakes his head.)
RUDY: For CSWA, this is Rudy Seitzer, saying goodnight!
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