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Gimme all your money and most of your beef jerky!


League Member
Apr 23, 2009
(A tremendously large man wearing a blue trash bag as a cape has his back to the camera as he apparently struggles to get a blue mask over his bowling ball sized melon.

As he continues to work the mask on a shaking hand holding a little 9mm by thumb and forefinger unintentionally wags the firearm in front of the camera.

The large man turns to face the camera, decked out in blue except for a pair of loose fitting, tattered black track pants and black electrical tape emblazening a "BB" across the chest.)

Blue Bastard: Gimme that!

(He grabs the gun.)

BB: Gimme that, too!

(The image spins wildly as the Bastard has evidently taken the camera man's camera, leaving just the man who's been shoved to the pavement.

The image jostles as we briskly walk down the street and kick open a door to a gas station convenience store, storm in, grab a 40 ounce of any random beer. The sounds of gulping are heard as we make our way to the cash register.

The cashier, maybe 20, has the confused look on his face of a stoner-since-birth. The 9mm is raised in front of the camera, barrel pointed to the cashier.)

BB: Gimme all your money and most of your beef jerky!

Cashier: What in the F&ck!?

(The camera is nearly lost as the Bastard grabs a handful of jerky from the counter and gulps down more beer)

BB: Now all the money! Open your stupid cash registrar thing and resign me all the money! Tonto, motherf&cker! I'm doing a showbusiness thing here, it's kinda like cops but it's not. It's criminals. You're gonna be famous or dead or maybe both, I dunno, maybe neither, but you better choose.

(The cashier gets his ass in gear and opens the cash register.)

BB: Put it in a bag too and the rest of the beef jerky. I was gonna leave you some but you're being such a douche now I'm taking it all. All the beef jerky! And a few of those lottery tickets...and 4 packs of smokes. Tonto, motherf&cker, that means quick!

(The items are placed in a plastic bag and the Bastard snatches it, makes for the door.

Outside, the Bastard stops to light up a smoke as he absent mindedly holds the camera at knee level, we just happen to see the original camera man, not very far away, talking to a police officer. The Bastard, now having seen the cop, mutters a profanity and begins walking toward the pair)

BB: Hey thanks man, I'm glad you're here. We're doing a performing arts piece and some guy just stole my ten speed. It was a really good one too, it had flames and sh*t on it and like a baseball and a card, it was nice. I tried to follow the guy and catch him on posterior-oratory here but this camera is f&cked and I gotta get to school, I'm doing more perfoming farts and things for kids and well I'd say you should check it out but I hope you're too busy looking for my bike instead. Actually, don't worry about it, I need to get a car anyway.

(He's handed the camera back and has begun to separate himself from the cop, slowly taking baby steps in the opposite direction.)

BB: I hope you guys catch the pepetuator though, it's not cool to steal bikes and things.

BB: Camera mate, I'll see you later man, I can't be late here, it's for the kids! Thanks for your help officer, you guys do a really good job here, even better than the mall cops in Ontario and that's really staying a lot cos they're always around and stuff.

(The Bastard turns and walks away, increasing pace to an eventual jog as he disappears)

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