P
Packschmid
Guest
(FADEIN: The lobby of the Holiday Inn in Sweetwater, Texas. GUNS walks through the door, wearing a black GUNS baseball cap backwards, a THIRD ROW, INC. T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and denim shorts. He is pulling his rolling suitcase behind him, and the Greensboro Heavyweight title belt is clipped to the suitcase, dragging behind. Before GUNS can check in, he is ambushed by RUDY SEITZER and a microphone!)
SEITZER: GUNS, welcome to Sweetwater! I noticed you didn't show up for your scheduled turn at the Fish Fund press conference...
GUNS: No s--t, Rudy...I'm not interested in helping Merritt promote his little Save the Whales festival.
SEITZER: Well, you certainly have been talkative of late, and Mr. Merritt wanted me...
GUNS: I couldn't care less what Merritt wants...
SEITZER: But he wants me to get an exclusive sit-down interview...
GUNS: You know what, Rudy? (Chuckles.) I'll cut you a break, because you're just a worthless little man with a job to do, and until I shut this company down and send you to the unemployment line, you need to stick your little microphone in my face to make ends meet. I can respect that. So let me check in, and meet me in my room in ten minutes. And, Rudy...you better not ask me any stupid questions, or my generosity will run out...(SNAPS fingers!)...just THAT quick.
(CUTTO: Ten minutes later, SEITZER and GUNS are sitting around the small desk in GUNS' room at the Holiday Inn.)
SEITZER: GUNS, I'd like to thank you for...
GUNS: Blow the sunshine up someone else's ass, Rudy...just ask your questions and get out.
SEITZER: Right, so...um...GUNS, it's been five years since your last Fish Fund. Can you tell me how it feels to be back here in the CSWA, involved in this tremendous event again after all these years?
GUNS: That's it? That's what you bothered me for? THAT'S the big question Merritt sent you to get answered? "How does it feel to be back at Fish Fund?" I'll tell you how it feels, Rudy...it makes me SICK. That's right...every time I see that RIDICULOUS logo...it makes me want to PUKE. Let me give you a little history lesson...remember Fish Fund X...my very first Fish Fund...Ironman of Champions... UNIFIED World Heavyweight title. And it came down to three men, Rudy. Hornet, Karelin, and yours truly. Pretty simple. Me versus Hornet. If I win, I get the gold. If Hornet wins, he gets the gold. And if there's some crap finish, Karelin gets the gold. Well, Rudy... you were there, and you can attest to the fact that I beat Hornet like Ike beat Tina Turner. I beat the man from pillar to post...I damn near broke the man's BACK, Rudy Seitzer. I had the man beat...I had that title in my grasp...I knew it...he knew it...EVERYONE knew it... so what did the CSWA's big hero do, Rudy? I'll tell you what he F--KIN' did, he took the P---Y way out and got himself disqualified. That's when everyone got their first REAL taste of what kind of FRANCHISE this company is built around. And then, the very next Fish Fund...
SEITZER: End of an Era - GUNS versus Hornet in the Career Match - perhaps THE biggest match in the history of our sport...
GUNS: Give me a damn break, Rudy. Biggest match in history? Try the biggest SCAM in history, Rudy. You said it yourself. GUNS versus Hornet. Career Match. End of an Era. Let me ask you something, Rudy? Who won that match?
SEITZER: Well, you did...
GUNS: Who LOST that match?
SEITZER: Hornet...
GUNS: But he's still here, Rudy. He's not retired, is he? FIVE YEARS LATER, and Hornet's STILL the Franchise. I said it before the match then, and it was obviously proven true...there was NO way Chad Merritt was going to let his meal ticket go. Craig Miles... and I'll get to him in a minute...Craig Miles had the AUDACITY to reference that match in one of his cute little promo spots...yeah, Craig... I'll tell it like it is...Hornet beat me like a DRUM inside that ring. Hornet beat me like I had NEVER been beaten before, and that INCLUDES when Mike Randalls stuck his damn stake through my knee. But, you know what, Rudy? He knew it wasn't enough. He KNEW that wasn't gonna be enough to BEAT me. He KNEW that he would damn near have to KILL me before I would lay down for him. That's why he laid it on the line with that last Hornet Splash, but he missed, and he got BEAT. I didn't quit like he did the previous Fish Fund. I didn't roll over like he did. I stuck it out...and in the end, I won the match. You can debate all you want whether it was deserved or not, but I won the match. But then what did Hornet do, Seitzer? Did he accept his loss like a MAN? Did he bow out GRACEFULLY and let the better man have his moment of victory? No, Rudy...he took his pretentious ass and PLANTED it on the top rope, and gave a goodbye speech longer than the damn Gettysburg Address, when we ALL knew he wasn't going ANYWHERE. So, why am I bringing all this up, Rudy? Because for five long years, Rudy, I've had to live with that MEMORY...for five long years, I've had to live with that bad TASTE in my mouth. People around here want to make jokes about my MEMORY, Rudy. (Laughs.) My memory is just fine. I remember everything that happened here, Rudy...and that's why I want to bring this whole company down to the ground. Not just the guys on top... not just the Hornets and the Windhams, Rudy...EVERYBODY. You asked me, Rudy...you asked me how it feels to be bad at Fish Fund. (Laughs.) You should ask Wicked Sight how it feels to have GUNS back at Fish Fund, because he should know, you should know, and EVERYBODY out there in TV Land should know that when I walk into Fish Fund Park...when I see that stupid toteboard... when I see that "FISH FUND" ring apron...all those bad feelings are going to be flowing through my veins FULL-BLAST...and I'm going to take every last BIT of it out on Wicked Sight.
SEITZER: Let's talk a little bit about Wicked Sight. He has certainly been distracted lately with this whole GXW business, and blames you for his recent problems and for pitting the CSWA locker room against him.
GUNS: Take a good look at me, Rudy Seitzer. I'm 5'11", 365 pounds, built like a brickhouse, and have the Strongest Arms in the World. Do I look like I need to play mind games with Wicked Sight? I'll tell you this right now, Rudy...if Wicked Sight's on his game, we're gonna have a great match, but he's gonna need to bring everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, in his arsenal if he expects to beat me. But he better leave all that GXW baggage at the door, because if he climbs through those ropes with me and he's not 100% focused... the boy's gonna get hurt, and he's gonna get hurt severely. He's so worried about being a CSWA company man...boy, take a look around you...this company's not loyal to you. This company's not loyal to anybody except Chad Merritt and Hornet. Everyone else is expendable. That's the truth, and people get mad at me for sayin' it...they want to stick their head in the sand...they want to think they can CHANGE this place...they think that with them, it will be DIFFERENT. Wicked Sight thinks he can be the FUTURE of this company...he needs to realize that this company HAS no future. He needs to realize there's a generation of the "future" that came before him that fell victim to the same two-man game that got the generation before them.
SEITZER: You're talking about the PLR? You and Kevin Powers, and to a lesser extent, Steve Radder, have had a war of words as of late.
GUNS: Man, I'm through giving Kevin Powers a rub and making him feel important. I've said all I have to say to Kevin Powers. I've laid it out real simple. Powers...he's got all the balls in the world when he's talking to a camera. He got all annoyed because I don't know him from a hole in the wall. Boy, it ain't old age...it ain't Alzheimer's...it's the simple fact that I wasn't here. I wasn't watching on TV. I wasn't reading about it in the dirt sheets. I didn't CARE, Kevin Powers, and I still don't. What you, Eddy, and Radder DID...it's irrelevant. You may have BEEN on top while I was gone...but I'm back now, and you're NOT. You can't pin that on me, because after all, like you boys said...technically, I'm lower on the card than you are. (Laughs.) They want to blame the "old guard" for their lot in life...pin it on anybody who put on a pair of wrestling boots before 1997. That's not the way it is, boys...you need to focus your anger in another direction. There are two men and two men ONLY to blame: Chad Merritt and Hornet. That's it. You flap your gums to me, you're spitting in the wind. I'm not here to IMPROVE anyone's situation...I'm here to LEVEL the damn company. But as far as Kevin Powers goes, I got nothing more to say to him. I told him clear as day - all he's gotta do at Fish Fund after his match - whether he wins, whether he loses, whether there's a draw, I don't give a damn. All he's gotta do is when it's over, snatch the damn mic out of Rhubarb's hands and call me out. Right there, right then...in the middle of the ring at Fish Fund Park...and I'll be there. Fish Fund Park holds more than enough bad memories, Rudy, that I'll be GLAD to take them out on his sorry ass after I finish beating Wicked Sight within an inch of his life.
SEITZER: You've been very vocal lately as it pertains to the GXW "invasion"...
GUNS: (Laughs.) Yeah, and Dan Ryan's joined right in on the old joke bandwagon, so we're even. The GXW invasion, Rudy...it's a damn JOKE and we all know it. It's distracted poor Wicked Sight so bad that I'm afraid I'm not even gonna have any COMPETITION at Fish Fund, but he's about the ONLY one who's giving this thing the time of day. Boys, everytime I mention your company's name, you probably sell another ticket, so I'm playing right into your hands. Good. I don't have anything against you. But let's cut the crap and call this "invasion" what it really is - Chad Merritt making himself feel all-powerful by giving a HANDOUT to a lower-rung federation hungry for free publicity. This isn't an invasion, Rudy...it's COOPERATION. The GXW isn't any kind of threat to the CSWA, Rudy...but EYE am. And that will become abundantly clear at Fish Fund.
SEITZER: Between the GXW, you, and now the Professionals...
GUNS: I'm glad you brought up the Professionals...Eddie Mayfield...he's not a bad kid...a bit full of himself, but anybody in the wrestling business worth a damn BETTER be arrogant. But then there's Craig Miles...who in the HELL are YOU to be talking smack about ME? What have YOU ever done in this business? Yeah, Craig...you and JW Collins were a pretty fair tag team back in the day...but that's even before MY time...so who are YOU to be calling ME an old man? And, yeah, Craig...you had a good run up in Philly with the UWA... up until you got taken to SCHOOL by a guy EYE trained, Winston Steele. Remember that, Craig? And now, you help run a little promotion up in Boston to stroke your ego, and you've ridden Eddie Mayfield's coat-tails...and have TRIED time and time again...and FAILED time and time again...to win the CSWA Tag Team titles from a pair of skinny little pretty boy teenybopper PUNKS. So once again, Craig... who are YOU...to be talking smack about ME? Do yourself a favor, Craig...stick to hunting for the lost fanny lancers, because if you mention my name again...you'll be in line for a PROFESSIONAL ass-whipping, courtesy of Third Row, Inc.
SEITZER: You don't seem real interested in making any friends around here...
GUNS: You're damn right, Rudy. It comes to this. I'm taking this company down. Period. Everyone around here likes to get their little digs in. You wanna call me old? I made my debut ten years ago...you wanna call that OLD, be my guest...but I guarantee you that this OLD man can still toss ANYBODY in this company out into the third row and make them a souvenir for some lucky fan without so much as breaking a SWEAT. You say I like the sound of my own voice? You say I talk too much? It's this simple...you don't like what I have to say...SHUT ME UP. You know what...you CAN'T...and if you TRY, you'll just get HURT. Rudy, I'm here for one reason and one reason only...not for MONEY, because I throw every paycheck this company sends me into the fire...not to make FRIENDS, because my family is all I ever need...not for the FANS, because I don't need their cheers or boos to go on with my life...I came back here for one reason, Rudy, and that's to bring this company DOWN. I didn't come here to CHANGE the CSWA...I came here to DESTROY it. Period. And if anyone in that locker room doesn't like it, they're more than welcome to stop me...but the rampage continues at Fish Fund, Rudy. Wicked Sight...he's first on the list, but I'm an equal opportunity ass-kicker, Rudy...and there's plenty more when I'm through with him. Now, if you don't mind, Rudy...get the hell out of my hotel room before I toss you out the window.
SEITZER: Well, there you have it, folks...this is Rudy Seitzer, signing off!
SEITZER: GUNS, welcome to Sweetwater! I noticed you didn't show up for your scheduled turn at the Fish Fund press conference...
GUNS: No s--t, Rudy...I'm not interested in helping Merritt promote his little Save the Whales festival.
SEITZER: Well, you certainly have been talkative of late, and Mr. Merritt wanted me...
GUNS: I couldn't care less what Merritt wants...
SEITZER: But he wants me to get an exclusive sit-down interview...
GUNS: You know what, Rudy? (Chuckles.) I'll cut you a break, because you're just a worthless little man with a job to do, and until I shut this company down and send you to the unemployment line, you need to stick your little microphone in my face to make ends meet. I can respect that. So let me check in, and meet me in my room in ten minutes. And, Rudy...you better not ask me any stupid questions, or my generosity will run out...(SNAPS fingers!)...just THAT quick.
(CUTTO: Ten minutes later, SEITZER and GUNS are sitting around the small desk in GUNS' room at the Holiday Inn.)
SEITZER: GUNS, I'd like to thank you for...
GUNS: Blow the sunshine up someone else's ass, Rudy...just ask your questions and get out.
SEITZER: Right, so...um...GUNS, it's been five years since your last Fish Fund. Can you tell me how it feels to be back here in the CSWA, involved in this tremendous event again after all these years?
GUNS: That's it? That's what you bothered me for? THAT'S the big question Merritt sent you to get answered? "How does it feel to be back at Fish Fund?" I'll tell you how it feels, Rudy...it makes me SICK. That's right...every time I see that RIDICULOUS logo...it makes me want to PUKE. Let me give you a little history lesson...remember Fish Fund X...my very first Fish Fund...Ironman of Champions... UNIFIED World Heavyweight title. And it came down to three men, Rudy. Hornet, Karelin, and yours truly. Pretty simple. Me versus Hornet. If I win, I get the gold. If Hornet wins, he gets the gold. And if there's some crap finish, Karelin gets the gold. Well, Rudy... you were there, and you can attest to the fact that I beat Hornet like Ike beat Tina Turner. I beat the man from pillar to post...I damn near broke the man's BACK, Rudy Seitzer. I had the man beat...I had that title in my grasp...I knew it...he knew it...EVERYONE knew it... so what did the CSWA's big hero do, Rudy? I'll tell you what he F--KIN' did, he took the P---Y way out and got himself disqualified. That's when everyone got their first REAL taste of what kind of FRANCHISE this company is built around. And then, the very next Fish Fund...
SEITZER: End of an Era - GUNS versus Hornet in the Career Match - perhaps THE biggest match in the history of our sport...
GUNS: Give me a damn break, Rudy. Biggest match in history? Try the biggest SCAM in history, Rudy. You said it yourself. GUNS versus Hornet. Career Match. End of an Era. Let me ask you something, Rudy? Who won that match?
SEITZER: Well, you did...
GUNS: Who LOST that match?
SEITZER: Hornet...
GUNS: But he's still here, Rudy. He's not retired, is he? FIVE YEARS LATER, and Hornet's STILL the Franchise. I said it before the match then, and it was obviously proven true...there was NO way Chad Merritt was going to let his meal ticket go. Craig Miles... and I'll get to him in a minute...Craig Miles had the AUDACITY to reference that match in one of his cute little promo spots...yeah, Craig... I'll tell it like it is...Hornet beat me like a DRUM inside that ring. Hornet beat me like I had NEVER been beaten before, and that INCLUDES when Mike Randalls stuck his damn stake through my knee. But, you know what, Rudy? He knew it wasn't enough. He KNEW that wasn't gonna be enough to BEAT me. He KNEW that he would damn near have to KILL me before I would lay down for him. That's why he laid it on the line with that last Hornet Splash, but he missed, and he got BEAT. I didn't quit like he did the previous Fish Fund. I didn't roll over like he did. I stuck it out...and in the end, I won the match. You can debate all you want whether it was deserved or not, but I won the match. But then what did Hornet do, Seitzer? Did he accept his loss like a MAN? Did he bow out GRACEFULLY and let the better man have his moment of victory? No, Rudy...he took his pretentious ass and PLANTED it on the top rope, and gave a goodbye speech longer than the damn Gettysburg Address, when we ALL knew he wasn't going ANYWHERE. So, why am I bringing all this up, Rudy? Because for five long years, Rudy, I've had to live with that MEMORY...for five long years, I've had to live with that bad TASTE in my mouth. People around here want to make jokes about my MEMORY, Rudy. (Laughs.) My memory is just fine. I remember everything that happened here, Rudy...and that's why I want to bring this whole company down to the ground. Not just the guys on top... not just the Hornets and the Windhams, Rudy...EVERYBODY. You asked me, Rudy...you asked me how it feels to be bad at Fish Fund. (Laughs.) You should ask Wicked Sight how it feels to have GUNS back at Fish Fund, because he should know, you should know, and EVERYBODY out there in TV Land should know that when I walk into Fish Fund Park...when I see that stupid toteboard... when I see that "FISH FUND" ring apron...all those bad feelings are going to be flowing through my veins FULL-BLAST...and I'm going to take every last BIT of it out on Wicked Sight.
SEITZER: Let's talk a little bit about Wicked Sight. He has certainly been distracted lately with this whole GXW business, and blames you for his recent problems and for pitting the CSWA locker room against him.
GUNS: Take a good look at me, Rudy Seitzer. I'm 5'11", 365 pounds, built like a brickhouse, and have the Strongest Arms in the World. Do I look like I need to play mind games with Wicked Sight? I'll tell you this right now, Rudy...if Wicked Sight's on his game, we're gonna have a great match, but he's gonna need to bring everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, in his arsenal if he expects to beat me. But he better leave all that GXW baggage at the door, because if he climbs through those ropes with me and he's not 100% focused... the boy's gonna get hurt, and he's gonna get hurt severely. He's so worried about being a CSWA company man...boy, take a look around you...this company's not loyal to you. This company's not loyal to anybody except Chad Merritt and Hornet. Everyone else is expendable. That's the truth, and people get mad at me for sayin' it...they want to stick their head in the sand...they want to think they can CHANGE this place...they think that with them, it will be DIFFERENT. Wicked Sight thinks he can be the FUTURE of this company...he needs to realize that this company HAS no future. He needs to realize there's a generation of the "future" that came before him that fell victim to the same two-man game that got the generation before them.
SEITZER: You're talking about the PLR? You and Kevin Powers, and to a lesser extent, Steve Radder, have had a war of words as of late.
GUNS: Man, I'm through giving Kevin Powers a rub and making him feel important. I've said all I have to say to Kevin Powers. I've laid it out real simple. Powers...he's got all the balls in the world when he's talking to a camera. He got all annoyed because I don't know him from a hole in the wall. Boy, it ain't old age...it ain't Alzheimer's...it's the simple fact that I wasn't here. I wasn't watching on TV. I wasn't reading about it in the dirt sheets. I didn't CARE, Kevin Powers, and I still don't. What you, Eddy, and Radder DID...it's irrelevant. You may have BEEN on top while I was gone...but I'm back now, and you're NOT. You can't pin that on me, because after all, like you boys said...technically, I'm lower on the card than you are. (Laughs.) They want to blame the "old guard" for their lot in life...pin it on anybody who put on a pair of wrestling boots before 1997. That's not the way it is, boys...you need to focus your anger in another direction. There are two men and two men ONLY to blame: Chad Merritt and Hornet. That's it. You flap your gums to me, you're spitting in the wind. I'm not here to IMPROVE anyone's situation...I'm here to LEVEL the damn company. But as far as Kevin Powers goes, I got nothing more to say to him. I told him clear as day - all he's gotta do at Fish Fund after his match - whether he wins, whether he loses, whether there's a draw, I don't give a damn. All he's gotta do is when it's over, snatch the damn mic out of Rhubarb's hands and call me out. Right there, right then...in the middle of the ring at Fish Fund Park...and I'll be there. Fish Fund Park holds more than enough bad memories, Rudy, that I'll be GLAD to take them out on his sorry ass after I finish beating Wicked Sight within an inch of his life.
SEITZER: You've been very vocal lately as it pertains to the GXW "invasion"...
GUNS: (Laughs.) Yeah, and Dan Ryan's joined right in on the old joke bandwagon, so we're even. The GXW invasion, Rudy...it's a damn JOKE and we all know it. It's distracted poor Wicked Sight so bad that I'm afraid I'm not even gonna have any COMPETITION at Fish Fund, but he's about the ONLY one who's giving this thing the time of day. Boys, everytime I mention your company's name, you probably sell another ticket, so I'm playing right into your hands. Good. I don't have anything against you. But let's cut the crap and call this "invasion" what it really is - Chad Merritt making himself feel all-powerful by giving a HANDOUT to a lower-rung federation hungry for free publicity. This isn't an invasion, Rudy...it's COOPERATION. The GXW isn't any kind of threat to the CSWA, Rudy...but EYE am. And that will become abundantly clear at Fish Fund.
SEITZER: Between the GXW, you, and now the Professionals...
GUNS: I'm glad you brought up the Professionals...Eddie Mayfield...he's not a bad kid...a bit full of himself, but anybody in the wrestling business worth a damn BETTER be arrogant. But then there's Craig Miles...who in the HELL are YOU to be talking smack about ME? What have YOU ever done in this business? Yeah, Craig...you and JW Collins were a pretty fair tag team back in the day...but that's even before MY time...so who are YOU to be calling ME an old man? And, yeah, Craig...you had a good run up in Philly with the UWA... up until you got taken to SCHOOL by a guy EYE trained, Winston Steele. Remember that, Craig? And now, you help run a little promotion up in Boston to stroke your ego, and you've ridden Eddie Mayfield's coat-tails...and have TRIED time and time again...and FAILED time and time again...to win the CSWA Tag Team titles from a pair of skinny little pretty boy teenybopper PUNKS. So once again, Craig... who are YOU...to be talking smack about ME? Do yourself a favor, Craig...stick to hunting for the lost fanny lancers, because if you mention my name again...you'll be in line for a PROFESSIONAL ass-whipping, courtesy of Third Row, Inc.
SEITZER: You don't seem real interested in making any friends around here...
GUNS: You're damn right, Rudy. It comes to this. I'm taking this company down. Period. Everyone around here likes to get their little digs in. You wanna call me old? I made my debut ten years ago...you wanna call that OLD, be my guest...but I guarantee you that this OLD man can still toss ANYBODY in this company out into the third row and make them a souvenir for some lucky fan without so much as breaking a SWEAT. You say I like the sound of my own voice? You say I talk too much? It's this simple...you don't like what I have to say...SHUT ME UP. You know what...you CAN'T...and if you TRY, you'll just get HURT. Rudy, I'm here for one reason and one reason only...not for MONEY, because I throw every paycheck this company sends me into the fire...not to make FRIENDS, because my family is all I ever need...not for the FANS, because I don't need their cheers or boos to go on with my life...I came back here for one reason, Rudy, and that's to bring this company DOWN. I didn't come here to CHANGE the CSWA...I came here to DESTROY it. Period. And if anyone in that locker room doesn't like it, they're more than welcome to stop me...but the rampage continues at Fish Fund, Rudy. Wicked Sight...he's first on the list, but I'm an equal opportunity ass-kicker, Rudy...and there's plenty more when I'm through with him. Now, if you don't mind, Rudy...get the hell out of my hotel room before I toss you out the window.
SEITZER: Well, there you have it, folks...this is Rudy Seitzer, signing off!