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League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Boston and other places.
(CUEUP: “Me vs. Angry Mob” by World/Inferno Friendship Society….)

(CUTTO: Everyone’s least favorite future Scientologist, screen actress and pop music sensation, LINDSAY LOHAN is in the bathroom at the ultra-posh MANIC LOVE nightclub, in a neck brace, size too small Mooninite T-shirt, and a leather mini-skirt, with a big “X” burned into her forehead.)

LINDSAY LOHAN: Hi wrestling fans! It’s me! Lindsay! And I’m, like, sooo psyched to be a part of NFW East, and joining the legendary ranks of Cyndi Lauper, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Mike Tyson, and other super cool celebs who’ve been on pro-wrestling shows! Except for Kevin Federline. He’s icky.

But I’m speaking to you today, to clear up some misconceptions people in the media have made about my recent actions. I did NOT dry hump Doc Silver, he forced himself under me, and I was only trying to get away. ‘Cuz he’s, like, sooo gross?! Ryoko was sooo smart to dumb his ass. And I did NOT try to hurt my friend Ryoko on purpose. That was, like, an innocent misunderstanding? We were just, y’know, joking? And even though Felix beat the crap out of me, I’m still his totally his friend, too!!

Those horrible, vicious, heartless people in the liberal media have been saying I only tried to help Felix because he fed me enough GHB and Crystal Meth to kill a really fat gorilla, but that’s like, SO NOT TRUE!! Felix Red is one of the kindest, nicest, coolest people ever. And I like, so relate to him, because just like me, he’s being totally misrepresented by certain persons in the media. They say such MEAN and UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT US!!! It's just because they're jealous of us. It makes me want to squash their eyeballs into the back of their skulls, break all their collar bones, and throw them down the stairs. But I CAN’T because I’m so LITTLE and CUTE, and it’s SO UNFAIR!!!

(sighs) The truth about Felix Red is….He was the one who convinced me to get sober. He was a one man intervention, and prolly like, saved my life. Because drugs and alcohol are the worst things….The worst things, in the world.

And because I owe Felix such an enormous debt of gratitude…I must insist that Dan Ryan die a slow, excruciating, public death, so that Felix continue in his quest to fulfill his ultimate destiny, to become Ultratitle champion. Dan Ryan is an ugly, stupid, nasty person whom I have no desire to have sex with at all. He cannot be allowed to defeat Felix again. I have spoken with Al Gore, and he agrees with me, as does the future United States president, Hilary Rodham Clinton. My publicist and the Disney Corporation also agree, Dan Ryan has GOT to die a zillion deaths, and have his dead body eaten by homeless kitties. Because I like kitties, and homeless kitties could probably use the nutrition.

Okay everybody! Have a wonderful night! I’m going to go back to socializing with hot people, ‘cuz I’m bored. (FTB)

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