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Huck Hits the Highway


The Phenom
Jan 1, 2000
Salt Lake City, UT
FADE IN: Hornswagglin' Huck sits down for a feast with Ma, Pa, his brother Jim-Bob, and his companion, the bane of Pa's existence.

PA: "What in the SAM HILL is that gott-DAYUM thing doin' at MAHHH TABLE?!"

CUT TO: Hoss the Hog, Huck's faithful sidekick.


CUT TO: Jim-Bob, who is also snorting.

JIM-BOB: "HER HER HER!!! Pa dun told his ASS!! Her her..."

CUT TO: Huck, as he slams his fist onto the table and leaps from his chair.

HUCK: "Well HELL, Pa... Ifn's ya gon' talk like that to mah li'l Hoss, Im'a jus bust on out of this forest and head tah Nashville!!!"

PA: "Naaayyush-ville?! That's the DEVIL'S COUNTRY!!! Only good thing ever came outta Nashville was the Grand Ol' Opry, and that place dun been CORRUPTED by SATAN since then!!! Ain't I raised ya good 'nuff to know that, son?!"

Huck is distressed by this statement.

HUCK: "Now Pa, ya dun never left the GOTT-DAYUM forest! Me n' Hoss heard they was 'rasslin up there on the AM Radio, n' by golly... we's gonna go up there n' show them Yankees what a couple a country boys can do!"

Ma is distressed by THAT statement.

MA: "Ahhh hell, Huckleberry. I knew when that mule dun kicked ya in the head when you was 13 and a half that it dun bumped yer brains around! First the pig, then that there 'rasslin nonsense! Jus' cut yer fussin' boy, n' eat them collard greens!"

In the ultimate act of rebuttal, Huck smacks his plate, sending the collard greens, the blackeyed peas, and the barbeque pork surprise flying! The second the meal hits the floor, Jim-Bob POUNCES upon it and begins to snarf it up. Meanwhile, Ma and Pa are left with mouths agape.

PA: "GOTTTTTTT-DAYUM DIDDLY DOO!! Ya dun messed up now, boy-uh... Pa's gonna break his hickory stick over you!"

MA: "SATAN! SATAN dun corrupted mah baby boy!!!"

Ma begins to sob, as Pa reaches for his hickory stick... but HUCK would have none of it!

HUCK: "That's all it be up here in this here forest!! SATAN!! Everything is SATAN!! Well y'know what? I'm done with it! I'm done with the Satan n' the collard greens n' watchin' while all'a ya eat mah l'il hog friends!!! I'm goin' tah Nashville...n' me n' Hoss is gonna 'rassle!!!"


HUCK: "And that ain't all, Pa!! Nossssuhhh!!! Cuz me n' Hoss is gonna get us a real Yankee girlfriend like the Mary-lin MON-roe, n' listen to the colored people music, n' EAT BURR-I-TOS too!!"

Ma's knees become wobbly.

MA: "Oh my.... burr-i-TO'S... Satan.... mah baby boy!!"

HUCK: "I ain't yer baby boy, Mama! I'm 38 years old!!! And I ain't Satan and I still love you n' Pa n' Jim-Bob..."

CUT TO: Jim-Bob licking barbeque sauce off of the floor. CUT TO: Huck.

HUCK: "...But I ain't gon' sit here in the forest, n' mess around with the goats n' read the bahh-ble fer the rest of mah life!! These woods is too small fer me n' Hoss, don't ya see? We wanna ride ae-ro-planes n' eat Cap'n Crunch n' most of all, WE WANNA 'RASSLE!!!"

CUT TO: Pa, his face full of shame.

PA: "Yer dead tah me, boy-hh. Ain't no son of mine gon' be havin' Yankee girly-friends n' eatin' cereals!! Now you go on now n' GIT!!!"

Huck lowers his head in sadness, then looks to his friend.

HUCK: "Come on now, Hoss... we's leavin' this here forest!!!"


As Ma, Pa, and Jim-Bob shake their heads with contempt, Huck n' Hoss make for the door.

HUCK: "Alright Hoss, there's a good pig... We's gonna go where ain't nobody gon'chop you up n' make Thanksgiving dinner outta ya. We's goin' tah NASHVILE!!!!"

CUT TO: The sun rising over a Georgia highway the next day. Along the side of the road, Huck n' Hoss proudly stroll.

HUCK: "Hey Hoss... ya think ifn's ahh'm real lucky, I could find me a nice l'il girl, n' take her to see the Mickey Mouse?"

HOSS: "Oink-oiiiink..."

HUCK: "Hot DAYUM, boy!!! You can't be doin' that tah no girl!! Pa always says that's Beast-eee-AL-tea!"

HOSS: "Ooooiiiiink..."

HUCK: "Nahhh, that's OK. You cheer on up now, y'hear? We's on our way ta the BIG CITY! jWo HERE WE COME!"

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