Jay_Smash
League Member
I was just checking on the peeps around here.
So what's up everyone? Anything new? Anything glorious in your freakish lives?
I graduated in June, got my computer, and for the last 2 1/2 months I have been alone because my girlfriend in in Myrtle Beach, SC while I wait for here to return from a missionary and back to good ol' Virginia Beach. Just a couple more days left and I see her again.
Honestly, besides working, doing this, and rarely hanging out with friends anymore, the only thing I think about, even as I write this, is her. I have called her literally, every day for the last 2 months just to see how her day was.
I went to see her a couple weeks ago so I could actually learn and see what she does there, and I found that she has really changed on me. It was really hard being there, because I felt like I didn't know her anymore, but when you have this one person in your head for 2 1/2 months, waiting for her to return, and thinking about her everyday since the day you met, it is really tough on the heart, which helps me bring out my character Jay Smash much better.
Katie, Jay Smash's dead wife is pretty much the story between my girlfriend Stephanie and I. I can't stop calling her girlfriend, but I think the feelings have changed because she has been gone for so long. My head always hurts, I have been thinking about my life much more, and all I want to do is tell her how much I love her in every way possible. I want her to know that without her, I can barely breath. I could barely breath before, due to my asthma, but this feels different. My heart beats faster than ever, I have to take deeper breaths, and every time I think about, "what if it doesn't work out" tears fall. I'm not going to lie, I don't cry a whole lot, but it really hurts when you are in love with someone so much, and want to reach her, but she is so far away, and falling further from me.
I could have told you what I did everyday before I went to see her.... but since then, I have no idea what I have done. I know I went to work... but I can't remember what I did there. I know I have been driving in my car, but I can't really remember why I did, or much of where I have gone. I just went to a concert yesterday with my best friend, and I can't remember even listening to one band or even remember hearing my best friend talking to me. She is the only person I think about. I can't stop thinking about her. I've been given so much advice, and I have tried to wait for her to come back, but all these things I want to say to her go through my head so much, I really have no idea what to say anymore.
The part that has surprised me the most is.... I think I have changed too. From everything I think about, just anything in life, I feel I have changed. I used to be this crazy rock n' roll guy that didn't really think much about what I believe in, to someone so different. But this change feels so good, but I always feel like something is missing. She is missing from my life, and I feel like she is the only one that can help me. I am not this crazy rock n roll....er anymore... I used to enjoy moshing in hardcore rock songs, but now it just doesn't seem to make much sense anymore. I have so much love that, I want to just change my entire life. I am tired of wearing black. I am tired of thinking about death. I am no maniac when it comes to thinking about death, but I have thought of it enough that at one point, I was so scared that I didn't want to know what happens when I die.
I mean, when you think about it so much you begin to think.... what if there is nothing after death. Nothing at all.. Your brain is gone.... there is no you... there is no light or dark... just nothing.... he sends shivers down my back.... it frightens me just to think about it.... That is why I have been thinking about the things my girlfriend has been doing. She has been getting closer to God. She has faith. She believes. I don't have that much faith, or much of a belief... but I have enough of my own mind to at least consider the fact that maybe there is a God. Maybe there is, and I could pray. I prayed tonight...
I prayed that if God could hear me.... if God is real.... than he... she... whoever... whatever.... can forgive me for not believing... forgive me and know that I want to believe.... but I just can't. It is so hard to beleive in something or someone when proof of exsistence is all that goes through your mind.... I have felt at certain times, maybe God is sending my signs. Maybe God really is out there.... and helping me.... Maybe there is a God, or even an angel guiding me.... helping me. Before I left to see my girlfriend in Myrtle Beach, I drive down my street so I can pick her brother up, who was going with me. It rained that morning, and the streets were flooded. My mom, my neighbors, and even people in that area have never seen it flood that bad before on that street. My car got stuck in the flood and I had to pull it out.... Now... I did get the car started and I made it to Myrtle Beach. Tell me..... Is that just bad luck.... or a sign from God? And if it is a sign... a sign for what? Telling me to proove my love by making it through anything to see her, or maybe it was a sign, not to go..... Maybe God was trying to tell me not to go, because it was not the right time to see her... And honestly, I feel like it was a bad time to see her. I feel like I should have waited for her to come back so we could talk about everything before I felt like I do now..
I was in an accident today.... Not my fault. I was driving down that same street that the flood was on... well same street, not the exact same area, but in any case... a car didn't stop driving out of a parking lot and ramed the back wheel of my car. Nothing happened but a tiny scratch to my wheel, but this guys car was busted pretty badly. How is that possible? I was driving a 91 Camaro and a Ford Taussruse crashed into the car... But the funny thing is.... I have been trying to sell that Camaro since the beginning of the summer. I have a Chevy Lumina now since the beginning of the summer and for the first time the whole summer, by car was stuck behind my parents Lincoln and in front of our garage, so I couldn't drive it out to the road... Instead, I decided to drive the Camaro to cash my paycheck. Then the accident... I still got lunch afterwards... came home.... then someone called and wanted to but my camaro! I sold the camaro today! Now I don't know what this is telling me..... But after 2 months of trying to sell my car.... I get in an accident for the first time.... and I manage to sell my car in the same exact day.
I don't know what this means, or if it means anything. I'm not sure what is going to happen. All I know, she returns in a couple more days and after thinking about her, and everything that I want to say.... I have know idea what I am going to do or say.... I also prayed, that God would make Stephanie happy.... I prayed that if Stephanie could not be happy with me, that he could forever bring me down, to make her feel happy. I don't know what I am going to do. As a matter of fact, I think there are more signs everywhere I look.... I was even trying to type just a second ago, and for some reason, the page went back, I tried to go forward but all my writing was gone.... luckily I copied some of it, but there was so much I had written down here that I can't remember... That is why I love typing these types of things.... because I don't think I'll remember saying any of this if I don't type it down just to read it back and remember.... Because tomorrow.... I'll just be thinking about even more stuff in my life with Stephanie and I.
Love.... I never knew how strong it was until she was gone.... It is something I have wanted to know for so long, even when I was told never to fall in love.... How can you say that to a person? How can you tell someone to never fall in a love? I am so happy that I have fallen in love. Although the heart breaking part hurts very much..... I never knew I could love someone this much, that I would do anything just to be with that one person for the rest of my life.... I am so in love with her. I love Stephanie more than anyone. I just wish she could see it that way. She wants me to love God before her... but how does anyone really know if God is a person... a person that can be considered loved more that anyone? God could be a frog! who knows! That means... I can love her more than any person.... And I love her more than anyone. I would do anything for her.
Well then... another sign..... maybe God does not want me writing like this.... I was just disconnected from the internet.... I'm back now.... but really..... could all this be a sign? And what do these signs say? I can't tell. I want them to means something.... something positive. I want everyone to know.... to everyone who is reading this and has never fallen in love.... I'm not going to say "never fall in love".... I want to say.... you find someone.... you cherish every moment with the person you love. Don't forget to ask how her day way... or his day was.... Smile when you see her/him. Stay close to the one you love... And if something happens.... like one of you leaving for a long amount of time... If you can fight it.... stop the person from leaving.... do it... Because in my position... I wish she never left.... But in a way.... I am glad she left.... because it had made me love her even more than ever. But the bad part is... she has changed.... and does not feel the same way.... Which is why I say.... if the one you love leaves you for a long amount of time.... I guess.... the best thing to do is.... go with her.... or go with him.... Don't be afraid.... and take a chance.... If I had the chance to go back.... I would have gladly graduated in June.... then right away drove to Myrtle Beach and be with her for the rest of the summer. I should have.... I should have given up my job.... I should have sad good bye to everyone.... and I should have taken the chance to be with her....
Now I am suffering because I didn't take that chance....... Because I never thought it would come to this.... I never thought that in just two more weeks before she comes back.... my life would change like this..... In only two weeks.... my life has changed dramatically.... And I will pray every day to that God I have a hard time believing in, and asking for forgiveness... I will pray for God to forgive me for not believing when maybe I should.... and pray for Stephanie to be happy.... and pray that everything will turn out right in the end.... She is the only person I see myself with.... She is the only girl I have ever loved.... So no one can tell me there is someone else out there for me.... Because she is the one I want in my life. I want her to help me, and bring me closer to God. I want her to teach me things that will make me happy again.
Now you see where I get my character Jay Smash from.... It's me.... only a bit deeper.... I don't cut myself.... I don't do or say the things that Jay Smash does.... but I have thought about it.... and that is why I take out my anger.... and pain.... and use Jay Smash to work it all out....
So this is my life right now..... Now... just wondering out of curiosity... how is everyone else doing?
So what's up everyone? Anything new? Anything glorious in your freakish lives?
I graduated in June, got my computer, and for the last 2 1/2 months I have been alone because my girlfriend in in Myrtle Beach, SC while I wait for here to return from a missionary and back to good ol' Virginia Beach. Just a couple more days left and I see her again.
Honestly, besides working, doing this, and rarely hanging out with friends anymore, the only thing I think about, even as I write this, is her. I have called her literally, every day for the last 2 months just to see how her day was.
I went to see her a couple weeks ago so I could actually learn and see what she does there, and I found that she has really changed on me. It was really hard being there, because I felt like I didn't know her anymore, but when you have this one person in your head for 2 1/2 months, waiting for her to return, and thinking about her everyday since the day you met, it is really tough on the heart, which helps me bring out my character Jay Smash much better.
Katie, Jay Smash's dead wife is pretty much the story between my girlfriend Stephanie and I. I can't stop calling her girlfriend, but I think the feelings have changed because she has been gone for so long. My head always hurts, I have been thinking about my life much more, and all I want to do is tell her how much I love her in every way possible. I want her to know that without her, I can barely breath. I could barely breath before, due to my asthma, but this feels different. My heart beats faster than ever, I have to take deeper breaths, and every time I think about, "what if it doesn't work out" tears fall. I'm not going to lie, I don't cry a whole lot, but it really hurts when you are in love with someone so much, and want to reach her, but she is so far away, and falling further from me.
I could have told you what I did everyday before I went to see her.... but since then, I have no idea what I have done. I know I went to work... but I can't remember what I did there. I know I have been driving in my car, but I can't really remember why I did, or much of where I have gone. I just went to a concert yesterday with my best friend, and I can't remember even listening to one band or even remember hearing my best friend talking to me. She is the only person I think about. I can't stop thinking about her. I've been given so much advice, and I have tried to wait for her to come back, but all these things I want to say to her go through my head so much, I really have no idea what to say anymore.
The part that has surprised me the most is.... I think I have changed too. From everything I think about, just anything in life, I feel I have changed. I used to be this crazy rock n' roll guy that didn't really think much about what I believe in, to someone so different. But this change feels so good, but I always feel like something is missing. She is missing from my life, and I feel like she is the only one that can help me. I am not this crazy rock n roll....er anymore... I used to enjoy moshing in hardcore rock songs, but now it just doesn't seem to make much sense anymore. I have so much love that, I want to just change my entire life. I am tired of wearing black. I am tired of thinking about death. I am no maniac when it comes to thinking about death, but I have thought of it enough that at one point, I was so scared that I didn't want to know what happens when I die.
I mean, when you think about it so much you begin to think.... what if there is nothing after death. Nothing at all.. Your brain is gone.... there is no you... there is no light or dark... just nothing.... he sends shivers down my back.... it frightens me just to think about it.... That is why I have been thinking about the things my girlfriend has been doing. She has been getting closer to God. She has faith. She believes. I don't have that much faith, or much of a belief... but I have enough of my own mind to at least consider the fact that maybe there is a God. Maybe there is, and I could pray. I prayed tonight...
I prayed that if God could hear me.... if God is real.... than he... she... whoever... whatever.... can forgive me for not believing... forgive me and know that I want to believe.... but I just can't. It is so hard to beleive in something or someone when proof of exsistence is all that goes through your mind.... I have felt at certain times, maybe God is sending my signs. Maybe God really is out there.... and helping me.... Maybe there is a God, or even an angel guiding me.... helping me. Before I left to see my girlfriend in Myrtle Beach, I drive down my street so I can pick her brother up, who was going with me. It rained that morning, and the streets were flooded. My mom, my neighbors, and even people in that area have never seen it flood that bad before on that street. My car got stuck in the flood and I had to pull it out.... Now... I did get the car started and I made it to Myrtle Beach. Tell me..... Is that just bad luck.... or a sign from God? And if it is a sign... a sign for what? Telling me to proove my love by making it through anything to see her, or maybe it was a sign, not to go..... Maybe God was trying to tell me not to go, because it was not the right time to see her... And honestly, I feel like it was a bad time to see her. I feel like I should have waited for her to come back so we could talk about everything before I felt like I do now..
I was in an accident today.... Not my fault. I was driving down that same street that the flood was on... well same street, not the exact same area, but in any case... a car didn't stop driving out of a parking lot and ramed the back wheel of my car. Nothing happened but a tiny scratch to my wheel, but this guys car was busted pretty badly. How is that possible? I was driving a 91 Camaro and a Ford Taussruse crashed into the car... But the funny thing is.... I have been trying to sell that Camaro since the beginning of the summer. I have a Chevy Lumina now since the beginning of the summer and for the first time the whole summer, by car was stuck behind my parents Lincoln and in front of our garage, so I couldn't drive it out to the road... Instead, I decided to drive the Camaro to cash my paycheck. Then the accident... I still got lunch afterwards... came home.... then someone called and wanted to but my camaro! I sold the camaro today! Now I don't know what this is telling me..... But after 2 months of trying to sell my car.... I get in an accident for the first time.... and I manage to sell my car in the same exact day.
I don't know what this means, or if it means anything. I'm not sure what is going to happen. All I know, she returns in a couple more days and after thinking about her, and everything that I want to say.... I have know idea what I am going to do or say.... I also prayed, that God would make Stephanie happy.... I prayed that if Stephanie could not be happy with me, that he could forever bring me down, to make her feel happy. I don't know what I am going to do. As a matter of fact, I think there are more signs everywhere I look.... I was even trying to type just a second ago, and for some reason, the page went back, I tried to go forward but all my writing was gone.... luckily I copied some of it, but there was so much I had written down here that I can't remember... That is why I love typing these types of things.... because I don't think I'll remember saying any of this if I don't type it down just to read it back and remember.... Because tomorrow.... I'll just be thinking about even more stuff in my life with Stephanie and I.
Love.... I never knew how strong it was until she was gone.... It is something I have wanted to know for so long, even when I was told never to fall in love.... How can you say that to a person? How can you tell someone to never fall in a love? I am so happy that I have fallen in love. Although the heart breaking part hurts very much..... I never knew I could love someone this much, that I would do anything just to be with that one person for the rest of my life.... I am so in love with her. I love Stephanie more than anyone. I just wish she could see it that way. She wants me to love God before her... but how does anyone really know if God is a person... a person that can be considered loved more that anyone? God could be a frog! who knows! That means... I can love her more than any person.... And I love her more than anyone. I would do anything for her.
Well then... another sign..... maybe God does not want me writing like this.... I was just disconnected from the internet.... I'm back now.... but really..... could all this be a sign? And what do these signs say? I can't tell. I want them to means something.... something positive. I want everyone to know.... to everyone who is reading this and has never fallen in love.... I'm not going to say "never fall in love".... I want to say.... you find someone.... you cherish every moment with the person you love. Don't forget to ask how her day way... or his day was.... Smile when you see her/him. Stay close to the one you love... And if something happens.... like one of you leaving for a long amount of time... If you can fight it.... stop the person from leaving.... do it... Because in my position... I wish she never left.... But in a way.... I am glad she left.... because it had made me love her even more than ever. But the bad part is... she has changed.... and does not feel the same way.... Which is why I say.... if the one you love leaves you for a long amount of time.... I guess.... the best thing to do is.... go with her.... or go with him.... Don't be afraid.... and take a chance.... If I had the chance to go back.... I would have gladly graduated in June.... then right away drove to Myrtle Beach and be with her for the rest of the summer. I should have.... I should have given up my job.... I should have sad good bye to everyone.... and I should have taken the chance to be with her....
Now I am suffering because I didn't take that chance....... Because I never thought it would come to this.... I never thought that in just two more weeks before she comes back.... my life would change like this..... In only two weeks.... my life has changed dramatically.... And I will pray every day to that God I have a hard time believing in, and asking for forgiveness... I will pray for God to forgive me for not believing when maybe I should.... and pray for Stephanie to be happy.... and pray that everything will turn out right in the end.... She is the only person I see myself with.... She is the only girl I have ever loved.... So no one can tell me there is someone else out there for me.... Because she is the one I want in my life. I want her to help me, and bring me closer to God. I want her to teach me things that will make me happy again.
Now you see where I get my character Jay Smash from.... It's me.... only a bit deeper.... I don't cut myself.... I don't do or say the things that Jay Smash does.... but I have thought about it.... and that is why I take out my anger.... and pain.... and use Jay Smash to work it all out....
So this is my life right now..... Now... just wondering out of curiosity... how is everyone else doing?
