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(CUEUP: "I disappear" by the Faint...)
(Post victory party, the waking hours of the morning after Battle Brawl. Bathroom with red white and blue tiles. MWG is sitting on the toilet, both seats down, mind you. In an ill-fitting new NEW: "FAG POWER" T-shirt, naked from the waist down with the TV title belt draped over his manly parts, his makeup smeared, breathing shallow and quick, eyes beaming, can't tell if he's grinning on just can't stop grinding his teeth...Krist Blue is bouncing on his knee, also in the girly size "FAG POWER" T-shirt and a black leather mini-skirt, hair newly dyed blue, wobbling and drooling, eyes wandering around aimlessly, giggling occasionally at nothing...)
"The Amerikan Idol"
"The Hardcore Legend"
"The Reality TV Champion"
EM DUBYA GEEEEE: I ah, don't expect anyone's particularly surprised? As if John Doe was going to be TV champion? Totally, f'real? (cackles)
BLUE: Meeeeybe...not? (giggles s'more)
MWG: Oh no. Not at all. The ones that said they'd take me down? Y'know, make an example out of me? Show that my revolting behavior wouldn't be tolerated? None of them laid a f(bleep)ing finger on me! And F'the whole bunch of them, it was 45 minutes of grueling physical exertion. That tired old cliche, Blood sweat and tears. But for the ten minutes I was in the closest thing to a wrestling move I did was a kneelift.
If Paris Hilton had been the last person to enter the battle royal, she'd be TeeVee champion now.
BLUE: Oooooh...she was here earlier! Did you see?! We made out...an'those guys gave es all their blow.
MWG: No sweetheart. That wasn't Paris Hilton. That was Mary Kate Olsen.
(Blue giggles, falls off MWG's knee, and collapses on the floor...)
BLUE: I'm jus' ginna lie down fer two minutes.
MWG: 'Kay. But see, I'm in no way downplaying what I've accomplished here. I'm merely stating that if I can do the same things Paris Hilton can, it means if anyone out there doubted my star power, they were WAY the f(Bleep) off base, my pretties...
I can do everything Paris Hilton can, and get away with it for the same reasons. The NEW midcard is brimming with all the freaks and idiots and losers that aren't good enough or too
f(bleep)ked up to get a job filling space in a company people take seriously. And now I am their
QUEEN. Just like why all the freaks and idiots and losers watch the Simple Life and the Real World and The Osbournes and the Surreal Life and Extreme Makeover. Like why EYE watch reality TV. You like me. You REALLY like me. Men want me, women want to be me. Er, maybe it's the other way around. I keep losing track. Um...(places his hand under the belt) Okay, right. Now I remember. I'm a boy. I should tie a string around my finger or something to remind me....
Regardless, you all watch me. you all relate to my hardships and my joy, because they're so much like yours. And you all care. And all love me. And I, in return, love you all. I just hate when you want to take my picture. And I hate the lies they print about me in National Enquirer and People. And I hate you for believing them. But I only hate because I love. Y'know?...it's um...complicated? Or something? Human relationships are so um...uh...F*ck it. Krist, hun, I'm parched. Fetch me something to drink?
BLUE: (From the floor) Yes, empress. I love you!
MWG: I love you to, my dearest handmaiden. Speaking of love, it's all drained out of El Arco Iris. How terrible. He couldn't put a smile on the rest of our faces, so he went and lost his. (mock Spanish accent, that actually sounds more British urban, like AliG. but he's trying for Spanish.) "'Ey Ess-ey, I no win tha tit-al!! Eye'm isa gonna cry all day and then turn evil!! Whaaaaaaaa!!!"
BLUE: (off camera) Whaaaaaaaaa!!!
MWG: WHAAAAAAAAA!!!
BLUE: WHAAAAAAAA!!!
MWG: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
BLUE: WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA WHAAAAAAAAAA WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(this goes back and forth for about 45 seconds. Blue eventually walks back into the shot, hands MWG a half empty bottle of Orange flavored Vodka, and sits back on his knee. Eventually they stop whaaaaaing.)
MWG: (ahem) Don't you see what a silly billy you sound like, Iris? You say you're frustrated because people aren't happy all the time just because you keep telling them they should be? OF COURSE no one's happy all the time!! Where's the drama in that?! Where's the raw human element? Where’s the glamour? Look, Puck and Frankie were both GREAT Real World cast members, cuz without the one cast member who pisses everyone else off, there's no conflict, no story, and no reason to watch...
Face it. You're not angry. You're not even frustrated. You just got so friggin' repetitive you finally bored YOURSELF after everyone else got bored with your goofy little routine a long time ago.
BLUE: (shouting at the camera) BOR-ING!!! BOR-ING!! BOR-ING!!! (screeches with glee)
MWG: So true. This whole little self manufactured trauma of yours, Iris? It's just a desperate ratings ploy. A self destructive bid for attention.
I simply must stop underestimating my ability to influence people....
What rather does just get my craw about all this, is I'm told your little "heel turn" has
something to do with not being able to win titles? With not getting the, (mocking Copycat's voice, but he screws it up again and just does the same AliG impression.) "Respect ya deserve?"
(MWG and Krist both burst out laughing)
But the only reason you're my first TV title defense is cuz you JUST BEAT ME a card ago, Iris...What?...Was I not good enough for you? was a big W over moi not enough to heal the bruised ego of the mighty Rainbow? Well just f(bleep)k you, then.
'Kay, sure, last time you caught me in one my moods. My head was doing that thing again. This time'll be different. This time you're not a babyface anymore, and I'm uh...(checks under the belt again) A boy. Defiantly. So I'm gonna slap the smile right back on your face, then slap it back off again, then spank you 'till your smile ends up on your ass, then kick your ass 'till your smile gets stuck of my boot, and on my way out of the ring I'll probably trip on the stupid thing. Maybe I'll fall awkwardly and hurt myself, but you'll still be waaaaay worse off. So whatever. And it's all to the tune of....?
KRIST: FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!!!!
MWG: F*ck yeah.
(Krist and MWG make out. We FTB on sloppy tongue action.)