Surge; Kerry Kuroyama vs. Erik Mateo
(Cut to: The guys in the commentary booth. Aaron Creed and Brian McGinnis are there, but Terry Anderson has stepped out for the time being.)
Creed: Welcome back, fans... strange actions and cryptic messages from The Minstrel! Who can really be sure what this man will do next... and to who!?
McGinnis: It is anyone's guess, Aaron.
Creed: Well, folks ... as you can see, our partner in commentary Terry “The Idol” Anderson has left the commentary booth, as his presence is needed at ringside for this next match.
McGinnis: Which means we thankfully won’t have to listen to him cutting in every few minutes... at least for one match.
Anderson: Don’t be so SURE about that, Bri! HA HA!!
(Aaron and Brian, hearing Terry’s voice but not seeing him in his seat, look at each other then around the commentary booth in confusion.)
Anderson: Down here, Creedster!
(Aaron and Brian turn their attention down to the ring...)
(CUT TO: Ringside, on Terry “The Idol” Anderson’s million dollar smile. That’s a million dollars after taxes and a few years of bad investments, anyway. For some reason, he’s wearing a pair of tinted shades and a floral print shirt that is so stupidly bright with clashing oranges and blues that he should be punched in the face for wearing it. It doesn’t help that the top few buttons are unfastened to reveal a flakey patch of chest hair... and a pacemaker scar. He raises a bottle of Jim Beam to the guys in the commentary booth, and speaks to them through a wireless headset on his head.)
Anderson: Check it out, guys... WIRELESS!! Wave to the future of color commentary! You didn’t REALLY think you’d get through this without MY input, did you?! I should think NOT!
McGinnis: Well, so much for that...
Creed: Looks like Terry Anderson will be joining us after all, fans... coming to you live right now from ringside, where he will be serving as special drink coordinator for this following special attraction match... a drunken brawl between ERIK MATEO and KERRY KUROYAMA. Let’s go to Donald Bell, now in the ring...
(Terry begins pouring shots on a nearby table set up for him as we fade to IWF’s ring announcer standing in the ring.)
Bell: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is a DRUNKEN BRAWL match!
Bell: Introducing the special drink coordinator for this contest... TERRY... “THE IDOL”... AAANDERRRSOOOONNNN!!
(Terry nods to the fans, raising the whiskey bottle, getting a rather mixed reaction.)
Bell: And now... introducing the contestants!
(CUE UP: “Revolve” by the Melvins. The rented projection screen over the entryway begins showing clips of Kerry Kuroyama either training in the Dojo or in action in the ring. Green strobes and LED lights light up the entrance, showing much flashier production value than what’s been seen by fans attending recent Chain Reaction shows.)
Bell: Introducing first... from SEATTLE, WASHINGTON... weighing in at two hundred and thirty two pounds... please welcome... the PACIFIC BLITZKRIEG... KEEEERRRRYYYYY KUROOOOYAAAMMAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(KERRY KUROYAMA emerges from the other side of the curtain, clad in his standard Dojo shorts and a matching robe. He pauses for a moment on the stage as the fans give him a solid hometown pop. He acknowledges them with a fist pump, and starts for the ring as the song goes into its main riff.)
Creed: The young Seattle native is on his way to the ring, and there is a look of determination on his face tonight!
McGinnis: Determined to get down to some serious drinking, anyway. Kerry’s talked a big game this week... referred to himself as a future professional wrestling legend in the making. The thing about legends, though... is that they usually back up their words. Tonight, we’ll see if the young Kuroyama can BRING a big game with him into the ring.
Creed: Kerry’s shown definite potential every time he’s been in the IWF ring, and he is no doubt looking forward to make a statement here tonight on his first major show appearance!
Anderson: Yeah, yeah... the boy’s got some chops. But don’t forget what this kid is walking into. This is a MAN’S contest! Look at him... he’s barely got any hairs on his chin!
Creed: Looks like he’s got more facial hair than YOU, Terry.
Anderson: Hey now, you forget... the LADIES love a smooth chin on their Idol, heheh...
(As Kerry reaches ringside, he immediately takes note of Terry holding up the bottle of Jim Beam and shaking it as if to taunt him. Instead of looking threatened, the young Kuroyama nods with bold confidence, and ascends the steps to enter the ring. As he removes his robe, the arena lights come down.)
(CUE UP: “Great To Be A Man” by Rodney Carrington. The highlight package shows Erik Mateo pounding down various liquors, pounding down various opponents in the ring in drunken rampages, and posing with the LVW Heavyweight Title. Yellow and red spotlights pass over the entrance, stage, ring, and various corners of the arena.)
Bell: And his opponent... hailing from LAS VEGAS, NEVADA... he weighs in at two hundred and sixty-seven pounds... he is the reigning Las Vegas Heavyweight Champion... HE IS... EEEEERRRIIIIIIIK MMMMAATEEEEEEEOOOOOOO!!!!
(The curtain is pulled aside, and ERIK MATEO steps onto the stage with the LVW Heavyweight Title draped over his shoulder. With an intoxicated smirk on his face, he pumps his arms up, extending his index fingers to indicate that he’s number one, and the IWF fans in the arena greet him with a chorus of jeers. Mateo ambles down the ramp making his way to the ring, yapping at the fans in his slurred speech and occasionally pointing at the defunct title carried with him to assert his importance.)
Anderson: Take a look, gentlemen... cause here comes a REAL man!
McGinnis: Looks like he had a bit of a head start before going into this match. He might regret that as this brawl wears on...
Anderson: Not a chance. We’ve all seen what happens when Mateo hits the sauce. Alcohol only FUELS the fire of a champion burning within him! If anything, he’s just getting his head in the right place!
Creed: Erik Mateo is showing the laid back and confident swagger he’s known for as he makes his way to the ring, and I don’t find that very surprising, considering this is his kind of fight! If he manages to overcome the young rising star here tonight, he would definitely earn himself as a second chance at the IWF Emerald City Championship, whoever may hold that title by the end of the night!
McGinnis: I think the only championship that interests Mateo is the one hanging over his shoulder now, the Las Vegas Heavyweight Championship from the erstwhile Las Vegas Wrestling, where Mateo was a top contender along with the likes of “The Cowboy” James Donovan and “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar.
Anderson: OLVIR!!! Oh man, I haven’t seen that stud since TEAM! Wonder what he’s been up to...?
Creed: Never mind that now, Terry... you got a job to do down there, remember?
Anderson: Oh, right...
(Mateo arrives at the ring, pointing at Terry and giving him a wink, then takes his time shuffling up the steps and going through the ropes. He pumps a fist, ignorant of the booing audience, then turns his attention to his opponent, taunting his manhood through his unintelligible dialect. Kuroyama shakes his head, silently letting him know he’s not going to be intimidated.)
Creed: If we all remember back to Chain Reaction 7... it was Erik Mateo who attacked Kerry Kuroyama’s teacher “The Undying” Rocko Daymon, costing the wrestling legend his match against the reigning IWF Emerald City Champion, Vizier ta Seti. No doubt Kerry hasn’t forgot about that, and tonight, I’m sure he’ll be looking for some payback.
Anderson: Well he’s in for a disappointment, because Erik Mateo doesn’t pay back ANYBODY except the bartender!
McGinnis: Kuroyama wants to rise up to the level of the Emerald City Championship... and Mateo wants to overshadow the title with his own Las Vegas Heavyweight Championship. Whoever stays standing out of this Drunken Brawl match will move on.
Creed: Head official Tony Daniels has returned and is in the ring now...
Anderson: Looks like that’s my cue...
(With the whiskey bottle and a set of shot-glasses in his hands, Terry goes up the steps, and the referee holds open the ropes to allow him to enter. Everybody in the ring converges toward the middle, where Mateo and Kuroyama stand only a foot apart, with Anderson between them, flanked by Bell and Daniels. The ring announcer holds up a microphone for Terry, since his hands are currently occupied.)
Anderson: Gentlemen... before we get this shindig started, let’s go over the rules one more time. Both participants will drink FIVE shots of this Jim Beam before the bell rings! Every subsequent THREE minutes, the bell will ring and there will be a break in the action. Both competitors must then drink an additional TWO shots before the bell rings again! You get one minute to drink your shots... otherwise, you’ll be disqualified for being unable to continue. The winner of this match will be declared when his opponent is unable to stand until the count of ten. Any questions?
(Kuroyama shakes his head. Mateo doesn’t seem to notice the question, busy eyeing the bottle of Jim Beam.)
Anderson: Okay, then... if there’s nothing else, then let’s get this party started!
(Terry hands the official the glasses and begins unscrewing the cap off the whiskey bottle, when a voice suddenly breaks in over the PA and interrupts everything.)
“Just a minute... I object!”
(Startled, the men in the ring look around in confusion. A moment later, COURTNEY PAZ steps through the entry-way with two IWF security guards as her escort and a microphone in her hand. There is a folded up piece of paper in her hands. The audience jeers at the delay, but she is indifferent to the reaction as she walks down to the ring.)
Creed: Uh oh... Chairman Cho’s assistant is here, and it looks like she’s got something to say! What’s this about?
McGinnis: I guess we’re about to find out, Aaron.
(The security guards hold open the ropes as Paz steps through them and enters the ring, and she goes right to the men impatiently waiting to get the match started.)
Paz: I’m afraid there’s going to be a minor alteration in the stipulations of this match. While I credit Mr. Mori for his... “creative” ambitions in designing this contest, I’m afraid our commissioner was remiss in that he did not check his facts.
Anderson: What’s this about?
Paz: I’ll TELL you what this is about, Terry...
(Paz holds up the paper in her hands.)
Paz: I had the Seattle office of records fax this over to me today. It’s a copy of Kerry Kuroyama’s birth certificate... and it clearly lists his date of birth at August 25th, 1992. Now, I don’t know if you can COUNT, Terry... but what that basically means is that Kerry Kuroyama is still below the legal age to consume alcohol.
(Everybody seems to react different. Terry looks dumbstruck. Kerry looks peeved. Erik looks amused. The fans seem stuck between surprise and outrage toward Chairman Cho’s assistant for blowing the whistle.)
Creed: Dang... I can’t believe we didn’t notice that earlier! We’ve always been talking about how Kerry Kuroyama is a young wrestling star, but I don’t think anybody once considered just HOW young!
McGinnis: Of course, Kerry knew about this all along. Seems rather curious that he said nothing about it.
Creed: Perhaps he truly wanted to go through with this challenge, but didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag, for this exact reason...
(Paz gestures to the security guards, who approach Terry and take the whiskey bottle from him.)
Anderson: Whoa, hold on a second!
Paz: We don’t want excise giving us any trouble, so therefore, this alcohol is being confiscated and taken backstage.
Anderson: But that’s MY Jim Beam!
Paz: Then you can reclaim it from my office on your own time. As for this match... it will continue as a standard Last Man Standing match.
Crowd: “BULL-SHiT! BULL-SHiT! BULL-SHiT! BULL-SHiT!”
Creed: The fans clearly don’t like this change in the match... and who can blame them? The International Wrestling Federation was treating them to a unique match that you wouldn’t see anywhere else, and now they’re being denied of that opportunity.
(Paz directs the guards out of the ring, and they leave with the whiskey. Erik Mateo looks especially saddened to see it go, and then enraged, knowing his advantage has just been taken away. Kuroyama doesn’t look any happier. Before Paz can leave though, “The Idol’s” illustrious eyebrow perks up and he takes the mic from Donald Bell.)
Anderson: Hold up a sec, Miss Paz... I think I might have a solution to this!
Anderson: If whiskey’s out of the picture, then allow me to offer a healthy, non-alcoholic substitute!
(Terry reaches into his pants and pulls out an unlabelled plastic Coke bottle.)
Anderson: IDOL JUICE!!
Paz: ...Idol Juice?
McGinnis: Has that thing been in his pants the WHOLE TIME?!
Anderson: It’s my patented energy drink... for sale at any gas station or smoke shop on the West Coast!
Paz: So... what’s in it?
Anderson: Oh, you know... taurine... benzotine... uh, nicotine, supertine, megatine... and some of Terry Anderson’s own IDOL greatness!
Creed: I hope that doesn’t mean he PEED in it!
Anderson: I’m just thinking, you know... if we can’t have a Drunken Brawl, we have something like an ENERGIZED Brawl! Might even make things more interesting!
(Paz takes the bottle from Terry and eyes it with skepticism.)
Paz: Well... it’s not like we have any way of testing it right now, so I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it. I’m going to allow this, Terry... but I better not find out later that you were LYING to me.
Anderson: Lie to Chairman Cho’s assistant? Not on your life, toots...
(Paz returns Terry’s “Idol Juice”, sneering at his sexist remark.)
Paz: Okay then... carry on, gentlemen.
(The crowd cheers as Courtney leaves the ring and heads back up the ramp. Delighted, Terry calls forward the referee with the shot glasses and begins pouring some drinks.)
Creed: Well ladies and gentlemen, pardon the interruption. Looks like this match will finally get underway, although I guess it’s now classified as an “Energized Brawl”.
McGinnis: Terry, out of curiosity... was “Idol Juice” made in a bathtub down in your basement?
(Terry smirks and flashes the camera a wink as he distributes the drinks.)
Anderson: Heh heh heh...
Creed: Oh boy...
McGinnis: Now I honestly don’t know WHAT to expect!
(Mateo takes his first shot... and smiles as an all too familiar feeling runs down his throat. He returns Terry’s wink. Kerry goes on with his first shot and makes a peculiar face as a range of tastes assault his central nervous system. He smacks his lips a couple times and calls for another.)
Crowd: “GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!”
(Egged on by the crowd, Mateo takes another shot, as does Kerry. The two appear to be racing, but Mateo easily pulls ahead, downing his last three shots as if he were drinking water, while Kuroyama reacts to every one of his like taking a sobering slap to the face. Both men look noticeably woozy as they pull away from each other and get ready to fight. Bell and Anderson clear out of the ring as official Tony Daniels cues the bell.)
SFX: *DING! DING!*
Creed: And our brawl is underway!
Creed: Both men stepping forward, with Mateo continuing to taunt the younger Kuroyama, but it does nothing to wash away the look of fierce determination on the young man’s face!
McGinnis: Mateo tells him to bring everything he’s got, and Kuroyama eagerly steps up... and they go right into the lock-up!
Creed: OOH! Mateo with a BOOT TO THE GUT as soon as they went into the collar-and-elbow tie-up! Kuroyama doubles over, and Mateo forces him to the mat with some HARD clubbing strikes to the back of the neck!
Anderson: He roped that dumb kid right into that one! Make no doubt about it, Erik Mateo came here tonight to BRAWL!
Creed: Kuroyama isn’t down for long, quickly trying to get back into this fight, but Mateo puts a BOOT right up against the side of his head and kicks him over onto his back! Now Mateo stomps the TAR out of him while he’s lying there!
McGinnis: This is not how Kerry Kuroyama wanted to the start this match... especially since it’s only going to get harder for him as this match wears on and these two men drink more of whatever the hell Terry’s got in that bottle of his! Mateo now gloating over his fallen opponent! He thinks he has this won already!
Anderson: He had this match won before the BELL even rang, McGinnis!
Creed: Tony Daniels looks like he might start the ten count, but Mateo steps in before he can, eager to give more punishment to this young man! Here’s Mateo with another stomp -- but Kerry catches his FOOT... and Erik Mateo is SWEPT to the mat in surprise!
McGinnis: Mateo doesn’t look so cocky anymore! There’s anger on his face as he gets to his feet at the same time as Kerry, and throws a wild lariat out of left field -- and Kerry easily ducks it, slipping behind and getting him into the rear waistlock!
Creed: Kerry with a GERMAN SUPLEX!! That was an excellent counter!
McGinnis: Mateo’s a fierce brawler, but if he doesn’t keep that drunken rage of his in check, then Kuroyama will only find more opportunities to turn the tables on him, as we just saw!
Creed: Mateo holding the back of his head and he quickly gets back to his feet again! Here he comes with another wild lariat -- but Kuroyama turns it around again, this time into an Arm Drag!
Anderson: Come on, I thought this was supposed to be a BRAWL! What’s with this wrestling crap?!
McGinnis: Mateo is holding that back a bit gingerly as he gets up once again, and here comes Kuroyama, trying to keep up his momentum... but Erik Mateo meets him with a HARD shot right to the abs! And a SECOND! Kuroyama is stunned, and Mateo grabs him by the head as he gets up to his feet... GOOD GOD, what a head butt!
Creed: That knocked Kuroyama flat out onto his back, and Mateo sternly orders the referee to begin the ten count!
Creed: Kuroyama shaking his head as he comes to and immediately realizes where he is, and he wastes no time getting back up before the official can get to the count of five!
McGinnis: Here comes Mateo, looking to get a shot in before Kuroyama can get back onto his feet -- but Kerry sees it coming, and catches Erik by the leg as he was attempting to put a knee right into his ribs! Kuroyama with a LEG WHIP puts Mateo back to the mat, and now he mounts his chest!
Anderson: What the CRUNK?!
Creed: Kuroyama is WAILING AWAY at the face of Erik Mateo as he is pinned on the mat, and he is definitely making liberal use of the closed fists! Mateo wanted a brawl, and now the young Seattle native is bringing the brawl right to him!
Creed: Hold on... that was the bell, and the end of the first round! Tony Daniels pulls Kuroyama back up by the shoulders and directs him to his corner!
McGinnis: Mateo was saved by the bell right there!
Anderson: Oh, give me a break... if the bell saved anybody, it was that Kuroyama kid! Erik was about to turn it around... I could see it in his eyes! You guys obviously couldn’t see it because you’re all the way up there! Not that it matters... I got plenty of Idol Juice left!
Creed: Mateo is back on his feet, rubbing the pain out of his face, and Tony Daniels directs him to his corner, where Terry Anderson is waiting with his next two shots...
Anderson: Here you go, Erik... bottoms up!
McGinnis: Mateo with a sigh of relief as he drops his first shot, and Terry crosses over to Kuroyama to give the young man his own dosage. Kerry’s already flushed in the face and looking a bit loosened up. On the other hand, Mateo looks the exact same as he did when he came to the ring...
Creed: I think Erik Mateo is ALWAYS drunk...
Anderson: The man simply knows how to hold his liquor... unlike this kid.
Creed: All the same, Kuroyama hasn’t had his confidence shaken yet as he drinks his next two shots. Once again, he reacts like somebody just slapped him across the face. Are you sure you aren’t putting something extra in his drinks, Terry? We all know you favor Mateo pretty heavily!
Anderson: That’s an OUTRAGEOUS accusation, Aaron! As if Erik even NEEDED any help in this kind of match. Anyway, all done here... come on, ref, let’s keep it going!
SFX: *DING! DING!*
Creed: There’s the bell to signal the beginning of round two! Now it’s Kuroyama, coming out of his corner, telling Erik Mateo to bring his best!
McGinnis: Looks like he’s finally getting into the spirit of things, but he shouldn’t make the mistake of underestimating the abilities of Erik Mateo!
Anderson: Couldn’t have said it better myself!
McGinnis: I doubt you could have, Terry... even if you wanted to. Here comes Mateo with angry haymaker -- BLOCKED by Kuroyama! Kerry puts a right hand right into his jaw... and another!! Mateo reeling back into the ropes, and Kuroyama presses onto him, whipping him to the other side!
Creed: Kuroyama bending over for the back body drop before Mateo hits the other set of ropes! Telegraphed that WAY too early, and Mateo makes him pay for it with a kick right to the face! The alcohol already seems to be impairing the young Kuroyama’s judgment!
Anderson: Or he could just be stupid...
McGinnis: Mateo with the opportunity to turn things back into his favor! He hits the ropes... and BLASTS the stunned Kuroyama to the mat with a short-arm clothesline! Kerry couldn’t counter it that time!
Creed: Kuroyama trying to get back to his feet, but Mateo has other plans! He takes Kerry by the neck and the tights... and MY GOD, he drives him right through the ropes and shoulder first into the STEEL RING POST like a human bobsled!
McGinnis: Mateo’s looking noticeably more violent now! We’ve seen the wrath that man unleashes when he gets enough alcohol in him, and no doubt we’ll see plenty of it here tonight as this match wears on! Kuroyama, meanwhile, falls through the ropes and lands on the outside in a heap!
Anderson: Come on, ref, start countin’!
McGinnis: Kuroyama slowly recovering, and using the apron to pull himself back up. He’s DEFINITELY looking buzzed right now... I’m not even sure he knows what just happened!
Creed: Here comes Mateo, rolling under the ropes to join his opponent on the outside! It’s ANYONE’S guess as to where this brawl might go now that the action has spilled to the ringside floor!
McGinnis: Kuroyama isn’t quite back up yet, so Mateo starts bringing him up the rest of the way... but Kuroyama puts a FOREARM right to his gut! And a SECOND! Mateo is doubled over, and Kuroyama springs up to his feet to put him into a standing Head Scissor!
Creed: Kuroyama lifts him up... AND DRILLS ERIK MATEO RIGHT ONTO THE RINGSIDE FLOOR WITH A FALLING PILEDRIVER!!
McGinnis: Looked like Kerry almost lost his footing on that one, but nevertheless, he put Mateo head-first onto the thin padding covering the unforgiving concrete surface of the arena floor, and the former Las Vegas Wrestling Heavyweight Champion is OUT OF IT!
Creed: Now it’s Kuroyama’s turn to gloat, as he leaves Mateo dazed on his back and paces up and down the barricade, pumping up his hometown fans in the ringside seats!
Anderson: A little early to be celebrating, don’t you think? Come Erik... GET UP!
McGinnis: Erik Mateo finally showing signs of life and struggling to get back up! I’m surprised he’s even CONSCIOUS after taking that pile driver right on the floor!
Creed: Years of drinking must have dulled his senses... and now Kuroyama turns his attention back to his recovering opponent! He pulls Mateo up the rest of the way and slides him back into the ring, and enters after him -- but not after nearly tripping himself on the bottom rope!
Anderson: This kid is like a dumb drunk frat boy at a pep rally!
Creed: Hey, don’t forget, Terry... YOU were that dumb frat boy once, many, MANY years ago!
Anderson: Hey, I don’t even REMEMBER college, so what’s that tell you?
McGinnis: Kuroyama steadies himself and waits for Mateo to get back to his feet! Mateo is up... still groggy from taking that shot right to the head... and here comes Kuroyama with a RUNNING KNEE LIFT -- no, I guess not, instead he just BARRELS RIGHT INTO HIM, and both men collapse into the mat!
Creed: Alcohol is definitely showing its effects on the younger Kerry Kuroyama, as its now affecting his timing and motor skills! Regardless, he’s hung in this drunken brawl with the veteran drinker Erik Mateo every step of the way!
McGinnis: Kuroyama is back on his feet, and takes a moment to whoop into the crowd! Yeah, make no mistake about it... he is DRUNK!
Anderson: And he’s gonna get MORE DRUNK, as long as my Idol Juice keep flowin’!
Creed: Mateo rising up as well, and Kuroyama draws him in... going for a BODY SLAM -- but he LOSES HIS BALANCE and falls onto his back with Mateo ON TOP!
McGinnis: Mateo’s not one to look a gift horse in the mouth! He quickly mounts the chest of Kuroyama and begins laying right into him with some HEAVY rights and lefts!
Creed: There’s the END of round two, but Mateo must not have heard the bell, because he’s still laying into the face of Kerry Kuroyama! Tony Daniels has to forcibly pull him off and restrain him from continuing to punish the younger man any further!
McGinnis: Looks like Kerry Kuroyama has a busted nose, but he either doesn’t notice or care at this point, as he laughs from his place lying on his back on the mat! Daniels helps him to his feet, but only after making sure an angered Erik Mateo has gone to his corner!
Anderson: Relax, Erik... it’s still early, you’ve still got this. Here, drink...
Creed: Terry is distributing Erik Mateo his next two shots as Kerry Kuroyama is finally pulled off the mat and shambles to his corner, pumping his fists to the crowd! That boy’s got seven shots of Idol Juice in him, and he’s about to have two more!
McGinnis: Mateo takes his shots... but he just keeps looking angrier and ANGRIER! His earlier smug demeanor is completely gone at this point! And I’m sure it doesn’t help that he just keeps drinking!
Creed: Anderson crossing over to Kuroyama for the young man’s next two. He seems rather eager to drink at this point!
Anderson: Yeah, enjoy it while you can, kid... this is probably the drunkest you’ve ever been!
McGinnis: Kerry downs his shots, and looks ready to go again, despite the blood draining out of his nose! Across the ring, Erik Mateo is FUMING with rage!
SFX: *DING! DING!*
Anderson: Round three... FIGHT!
Creed: Both men have had nine shots at this point, and it’s DEFINITELY starting to show! Kerry’s got a drunken swagger as he comes toward the center of the ring, where he meets a determined and pissed Erik Mateo! What’s this now...?
McGinnis: Kerry Kuroyama leans forward and points right at his chin! He’s giving Erik Mateo a free shot, but I’m not sure that’s a very good idea!
Creed: Is ANY idea a good idea when you’re drunk?!
McGinnis: Mateo coils back... and WHAMMO!! BOY, HE KNOCKED THAT ONE OUT OF THE PARK!!
Anderson: AW SNAP, KNOCKED THE PISS OUTTA THAT KID!!
Creed: Kuroyama just paid for his mistake in SPADES as he drops to the mat like a ton of bricks! He is OUT LIKE A LIGHT!!
McGinnis: If this is the end for Kerry Kuroyama, then he is going to KICK himself tomorrow morning when he wakes up hung over realizing he stupidly threw this one away!
Creed: In a Drunken Brawl, there’s bound to be stupidity involved. Still, let’s see if Kerry Kuroyama can recover from this...
Creed: Kuroyama’s eyes are fluttering... I think he’s coming to! But he’s running out of time!
Anderson: Come on, ref... why are you taking your time with this?! I could have counted to ten EIGHT TIMES by now!
Crowd: “KER-RY!! KER-RY!! KER-RY!! KER-RY!!”
Creed: Kuroyama rolling onto his side... whatever is still sober deep in his mind is telling him to get back up! The fans are cheering his name, trying to give him support!
McGinnis: He’s on his hands a knees now, making a shaky attempt to get back up!!
Creed: AND KUROYAMA LURCHES TO HIS FEET, just a fraction of a second before the referee got to the count of nine! That was a close one!
McGinnis: And it’s only going to get closer from here on out!
Creed: Wait a second, here comes Erik Mateo from behind... SIDE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!! As soon as Kuroyama made it to his feet, he finds himself right back on the mat again!
Anderson: That move was invented by drunken Russians from the Siberian wastes!
McGinnis: Mateo won’t even give Tony Daniels a chance to count at this point! He takes a quick bounce off the ropes... HARD ELBOW DROP!! That was right across Kuroyama’s forehead, and Kerry reacts in agony!
Creed: Kuroyama fumbling to his feet now as Mateo beckons him back up! There’s a glazed look in the Seattle native’s eye as he turns around to find his opponent, and Mateo meets him with a HARD hook that knocks the spit right out of his mouth!
McGinnis: Amazingly, that didn’t put Kuroyama back to the mat... but I’m not even sure he felt it in his drunken stupor as he looks at Mateo again with a completely dumbstruck look on his face! Mateo pulling back for another shot... and Kerry just stands there STARING AT HIM!!
Creed: And Erik Mateo lands a HARD UPPERCUT right beneath Kuroyama’s chin! Kerry stumbles backwards and falls into the corner!
Anderson: Erik’s got him right where he wants him now!
Creed: Mateo’s drunken rage is giving him all the momentum he needs at this point! He measure Kuroyama up and gives him a KNIFE EDGE CHOP -- oh man, RIGHT TO THE FACE!! Was that intentional?!
McGinnis: I’m sure he was aiming for the chest, but he’s probably seeing only a green and tan blob in the ring with him at this point! Here’s Mateo, taking Kuroyama by the head... going for a SNAPMARE -- err, maybe not! He was TOO DRUNK to pull all of Kuroyama over his shoulder, so he settled with a sloppy Ace Crusher instead!
Anderson: Whatever... got the job done!
Creed: Mateo back to his feet, and he’s STILL steaming! Now he looks angry that he doesn’t have anybody to PUNCH anymore, and he tells Tony Daniels to start counting!
McGinnis: Kuroyama showing signs of life on the mat! I don’t think Mateo got all of that last move!
Anderson: Not that it matters! With as much Idol Juice as that kid’s had at this point, I’d be surprised if he could sit up at this point, much less stand!
Creed: Kuroyama is fumbling around on the mat... and he found the bottom rope! All he has to do now is work his way up, and that’s exactly what he’s doing!
McGinnis: Kerry’s up to the second rope... off his a knee as he rises up to the third rope... and OH JEEZ, he loses his grip and drops back down to the bottom rope!
Anderson: Kinda like ANOTHER Creed I know!
Creed: There’s enough left in Kuroyama to know he has to hurry, and he’s desperately groping for that top rope! He misses on the first reach... but GETS IT on the second!
McGinnis: And Kuroyama is BACK UP with only a SECOND to spare!
Creed: But here comes Mateo, charging at him with another CLOTHESLINE -- OH WAIT!! Kuroyama JUST FELL TO THE MAT AGAIN!! Mateo goes FLYING OVER THE ROPES to the ringside floor!
Creed: And this round is OVER... thankfully! This match is starting to look RIDICULOUS by this point!
McGinnis: Were you expecting a five-star wrestling clinic in a contest labelled as a “Drunken Brawl Match”?
Creed: Good point...
Anderson: Come on, Erik! Pull yourself together, man!
Creed: Terry Anderson is attempting to get Erik Mateo off the floor and back into the ring, and meanwhile, head official Tony Daniels is doing the same with Kuroyama! Kerry is completely HAMMERED by this point! He can barely STAND!
Anderson: And that’s a GOOD thing!
McGinnis: We’re getting to a point where this has become more of an endurance contest than an actual all-out brawl. Mateo is finally back up and sluggishly rolls under the ropes to re-enter the ring...
Anderson: Whoa, whoa... hold up, Erik! You forgot your shots!
McGinnis: ...and Terry Anderson gives him his next two shots of Idol Juice! Mateo puts them down like a CHAMP! I’ve NEVER seen a man drink like that...
Creed: It’s amazing at how well he’s able to handle himself at this point. He’s gotten sloppy, as would be expected of any man with that much liquor running through him, but he’s still moving quickly and punching hard! The same can’t be said of Kuroyama, who’s looking pretty bad at this point.
McGinnis: Is he even aware that there’s a break in the action?! He’s trying to go after Mateo, but Tony Daniels is trying to hold him back!
Creed: Daniels is trying to explain that the bell rang, and Kerry... wait... now he’s CRYING?!
McGinnis: Jesus Christ...
Creed: Kuroyama has just lost ALL CONTROL of his emotions now as he buries his face into the referee’s shoulder and cries into it like a baby! Hurry up and give him his shots, Terry!
Anderson: Come here, you dumbass kid... drink up!
McGinnis: Kuroyama takes the shotglasses and just DOWNS THEM BOTH AT ONCE... and he just THROWS THEM CARELESSLY into the crowd!
Anderson: YOU IDIOT!! Those were my Jerry Lee Lewis collectible glasses!
Creed: Oh hell, Terry, you just buy another pair at Wal-Mart... now get out of the ring and let these two at it!
SFX: *DING! DING!*
Creed: There’s the bell to start round FOUR! Both of these men have each consumed ELEVEN SHOTS of Terry’s “Idol Juice”, which I assume is some sort of homemade brew made at a ridiculously high proof!
Anderson: At least until I get my distillery up and running!
McGinnis: Mateo out of his corner, red-faced and furious! Does he even have a reason to be angry at this point?
Creed: Kuroyama out of his corner to meet him, and... AND HE THROWS UP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!
Anderson: I am NOT cleaning that up later!
McGinnis: Thirteen shots of Idol Juice is clearly more than the young Kerry Kuroyama can handle! This brawl has degraded from sloppy to downright MESSY!
Creed: At least Kerry got a bit of that noxious stuff out of him for the time being! But here comes Mateo... MY GOD, DOUBLE-AXE HANDLE across the BACK OF KUROYAMA’S HEAD, knocking him face first into his own vomit!
McGinnis: That could be IT right there, but Mateo looks ready to explode, and bends down to lift Kuroyama back off the mat! He takes him the arm... there’s a HEAVY whip, and Kuroyama STUMBLES en route to the ropes, falling over and nearly GARROTING himself over the second rope!
Creed: That’s a bad place for the kid to be! Here comes Mateo, driving a KNEE right into his back and choking the life out of him! There are no holds barred in a Drunken Brawl Match, so don’t expect any breaks here!
Anderson: That kid is learning the HARD WAY what happens when you get on a drinkin’ man’s bad side!
Creed: Kuroyama looks to be fading, and I think Mateo senses it! He pulls off and just THROWS the young man right onto his back! The official begins the ten count!
Crowd: “KER-RY!! KER-RY!! KER-RY!! KER-RY!!”
Creed: This capacity crowd is rallying behind their hometown favorite, rousing the wounded Kuroyama from his drunken stupor! He’s trying to get back up! WHAT SPIRIT!!
McGinnis: He’s having a hell of a time, though! At this point, I imagine his vision is blurred to hell and his head is absolutely swimming!
Anderson: Clearly, you’ve never drank Idol Juice before...
Creed: Kuroyama rolls over onto his hands and knees... and Erik Mateo has grown impatient with waiting any longer! Before Daniels can get to the count of six, he moves in and starts stomping away at the Pacific Blitzkrieg from where he sits on the mat! Kerry has to roll under the ropes and to the outside to escape the onslaught!
McGinnis: Kuroyama is hurt, drunk, bleeding, and covered in his own vomit! This is an OFFICIAL drunken brawl now! Mateo uses his free time in the ring to pump his fists up and spout vulgarities toward the fans!
Creed: Meanwhile, Kerry is desperately trying to get back to his feet, groping at the apron for assistance! Mateo spies him, and he’s got something in mind!
McGinnis: Here he goes off the far set of ropes... comes running BACK... BASEBALL SLIDE -- NO, WAIT!! He didn’t slide into ANYTHING!! His AIM was COMPLETELY OFF!!
Anderson: Damn double vision!
Creed: Mateo just slid right under the ropes and right in front Kuroyama, who just BLASTS HIM with a big right hand! Clearly, the Idol Juice is having an impairing effect on Mateo as well!
McGinnis: Kuroyama trying to RALLY now, throwing wild rights and lefts and only hitting Mateo with every other blow! Mateo is TOO DRUNK to defend himself as he flails backwards and TRIPS over the steel steps! Kuroyama coming after him... BUT HE TRIPS OVER THE STEPS AS WELL!!
Creed: These guys can barely make their way around the RING, much less compete at this point! Both men scramble back to their feet and rise back to back, and now they can’t seem to find each other!
Anderson: Behind you, Erik! BEHIND YOU!!
Creed: Mateo is the first to turn around, and quickly tries to blindside Kuroyama with a WILD HOOK -- but Kuroyama DOUBLES OVER AND VOMITS AGAIN!! Mateo TWIRLS AROUND after hitting nothing but air and FALLS ON HIS ASS!!
Anderson: Somebody better call down the janitor... this kid is making a mess EVERYWHERE!!
Creed: Blame your Idol Juice, Terry! Kuroyama wipes his mouth clean and turns around as Mateo gets to his feet again with the help of the steps! Here comes Kerry -- but he SLIPS ON HIS OWN PUKE and falls FACE-FIRST ONTO THE STEEL STEPS!!
McGinnis: Man, at this point, these guys are doing more damage to THEMSELVES than to each other! Mateo now has a chance to capitalize as he drags Kerry back off the floor and clumsily pushes him onto the apron and under the ropes!
Creed: Is Kerry even CONSCIOUS at this point, or has he blacked out?!
McGinnis: Looks like Kuroyama is still awake, but clearly dazed after taking those steps right to his forehead! Tony Daniels could give him the ten count right now, but Erik Mateo isn’t going to give him that chance! Mateo sluggishly gets back into the ring and takes a moment to get back to his own feet, before he begins stomping away at the prone body of Kuroyama!
Creed: Why doesn’t he just let Tony get to the ten count and end this match?
Anderson: He’s too far into this to care at this point! This kid walked into HIS Drunken Brawl and tried to embarrass him, and now he’s going to see what it’s like when you try to mess with a REAL MAN!
Creed: Mateo orders Kuroyama back up, but Kerry can’t do much of anything at this point! Erik pulls him back up and leans him against the ropes, where he begins to slap him silly across the face! Kerry is so smashed, he can barely defend himself!
Creed: FINALLY, the bell sounds and the round ends, but Mateo isn’t letting up! Daniels trying to pry him off now, and Erik looks FURIOUS that the referee even laid a hand on him!
McGinnis: Better get in there quick, Terry! Erik Mateo is a drunken stick of dynamite that looks ready to blow!
Creed: Anderson hits the ring, ready to distribute another round of shots, while Mateo throws Kuroyama into the corner. If not for that turnbuckle, I doubt that young man would be able to stand at this point!
Anderson: Erik! Come here, man! Chill, bro, chill... you’re doing GREAT! You got this thing WON!
McGinnis: Terry hands Mateo his next two shots... that’s TWELVE and THIRTEEN for those of you keeping count at home! Mateo’s finally back in his corner to drink more, but his eyes still burn with an anger I can’t even comprehend!
Creed: The more he drinks, the more violent he gets... and we’ve seen him drink a LOT here tonight! Anderson going to Kuroyama now, for his next two shots.
Anderson: Here you go, kid... uh, kid? Hey! HEY, you dumbass! Wake-up!
McGinnis: Looks like he was catching a snooze for a moment, but Kerry Kuroyama perks up as Terry berates him and shoves two more shots in front of him. Kerry looks like he’s about to lose his lunch again...
Anderson: If you puke on me, so help me Lebowski I’ll IDOLIZE YOU right here and now in front of all these people!
Creed: Kuroyama can barely keep standing at this point... he has to lean in the corner to remain on his feet! Nevertheless, his hands fumble forward and he finds the shot glasses in Terry’s hands! There’s one down... and there’s two!
Anderson: GAME ON!
SFX: *DING! DING!*
Creed: ROUND FIVE!! I doubt ANYBODY expected this match to go on for this long!
McGinnis: No matter who comes out the winner, both of these men are going to regret agreeing to this match when they wake up tomorrow!
Creed: Here comes Erik BLAZING out of his corner like a rabid bull! OH MAN!! Kuroyama just got PANCAKED in that turnbuckle with two-hundred and sixty plus pounds of intoxicated flesh!
Anderson: Erik’s going for the throat now... no doubt about it!
McGinnis: Mateo pulls off of Kuroyama, and goes right to work on the young man’s face! There’s a shot! Another! ANOTHER!! My God, he’s trying to turn his face into HAMBURGER!!
Creed: These men have consumed so much that there is no doubt that the next one that hits the mat will NOT be getting back up! Although the way things are looking right now, Kuroyama will be that man!
Anderson: He’s NOT a man, Aaron! Erik is proving that to you RIGHT NOW!
McGinnis: Mateo’s working his way down from Kuroyama’s face to his mid-section, continuing to crush him up against that turnbuckle with some HEAVY knee strikes to the body! He better be CAREFUL hitting him there...
Creed: OH MY GOD, KERRY KUROYAMA JUST PUKED ALL OVER ERIK MATEO!! Looks like you were RIGHT, Brian! Mateo backs up and looks at the mess on his chest, and he ROARS in anger!!
Anderson: That kid just made a FATAL mistake!
Creed: Mateo is on top of Kuroyama like a rabid dog! He takes him by the back of the head and just RAKES that forehead across the top rope! Kuroyama clutches his face, howling in pain, but that’s probably the least of his worries as Mateo throws his hands to the side and starts PUNCHING HIM PROFUSELY!!
McGinnis: Kerry keeps taking hits, but he’s not going down, thanks to those ropes against his back! All Mateo has to do is let him DROP, and this match is over!
Creed: Then why hasn’t he done that yet?!
Anderson: Kinda trying to figure out myself! Punishing this stupid kid is one thing, but it’s time to finish this up and seal the victory!
Creed: Does Erik Mateo even realize he’s in a MATCH anymore?! Mateo pushes Kuroyama off the ropes... Kerry connects on the other side chest-first, and backpedals on the rebound! Mateo meets him in the center of the ring with a CLUBBING forearm to the back of the head, and Kerry sprawls into the ropes once again!
McGinnis: The kid is taking a HELL of a beating, but miraculously, he hasn’t hit the mat yet!
Anderson: Come on, Erik... FINISH HIM!!
McGinnis: Mateo has Kuroyama by the shoulders now... my God, what is he DOING?!
Creed: He’s BITING HIM!! Erik Mateo is CHOMPING DOWN on Kerry’s collarbone, and Kuroyama is SCREAMING in pain!
McGinnis: Terry, your Idol Juice turns people into ZOMBIES!
Anderson: Hey, don’t be knockin’ the Juice, it’s completely innocent in this situation! Mateo’s just seeing red right now! His head’s not in the right place, because this kid and his stupid “never say die” attitude are making him really frustrated!
Creed: Tony Daniels is POWERLESS in stopping this match until one man stays off his feet for ten counts! Meanwhile, the clock throughout round five continues ticking! What’s going to happen if these guys take ANOTHER two shots?!
Anderson: I dunno, but I’m about out of Idol Juice! And here I was trying to save it for the main event!
McGinnis: And here I thought you were drinking Cola this entire time!
Creed: I’ve never seen anything like this in all my years of calling matches! Mateo continues to pulverize Kuroyama against the ropes, seemingly forgetting how one wins this match! Terry’s Idol Juice has turned his mind into absolute rage!
McGinnis: Looks like Mateo has sated his thirst for blood as he takes Kuroyama by the back of the head and leads him BACK to the turnbuckle! Kerry goes FACE-FIRST right into that top padding... and AGAIN... and AGAIN!! Mateo is RELENTLESS right now!
Creed: But he has to relent at SOME POINT if he wants to win this match! Otherwise, Kerry Kuroyama is just rope-a-doping him at this point!
Anderson: More like just plain doping...
Crowd: “YOU-SUCK!! YOU-SUCK!! YOU-SUCK!! YOU-SUCK!!”
Creed: Mateo leaves Kuroyama leaning lifelessly in the corner to jaw at the fans once again! They’re clearly giving him an earful at this point!
Anderson: Forget those morons, Erik! KILL THAT PUNK already! All you gotta do is BLOW ON HIM and he’ll fall over!
McGinnis: He’s got to pull him out of that corner first, but Mateo can barely concentrate on anything at this point! He’s too busy cursing the audience as they litter the ring with trash!
Creed: Wait a second... where’s he going?!
McGinnis: Mateo just LEFT THE RING!! Now he’s shambling over the time keeper... and he just took his own Las Vegas Heavyweight Title! I think he wants to USE IT against Kuroyama!
Anderson: Now THAT’LL do the trick! Hurry up, Erik! Only seconds to spare here!
Creed: Mateo takes a moment to argue briefly with a ringside fans... and he nearly SLIPS and FALLS once again in a puddle of Kerry’s vomit! Now he’s KICKING OVER THE STEEL STEPS in a FURY!!
McGinnis: He’s got no time to throw a tantrum now! He’s gotta win this brawl!
Creed: Mateo rolls back into the ring, and he’s got that title ready!
Creed: TOO LATE!! That’s the END of ROUND FIVE!!
McGinnis: How in the hell could this be going into a ROUND SIX?!
Creed: I don’t think Mateo heard the bell, because he’s still going after Kuroyama! Daniels in his way now, telling him to get to his corner, but Mateo isn’t listening!
McGinnis: Better get in there, Terry! Only YOU can calm him down at this point!
Anderson: Hang on, you idiots, I’m pouring shots here!
Creed: Mateo still arguing with the ref... what the hell is he SAYING?!
McGinnis: Who the hell knows at this point? Looks like Terry finally has two shots ready, but he sets them off into the corner to help Tony with the raging Erik Mateo at this point...
Anderson: Erik! Listen, man... put the title down! Calm down! Just go to your corner and have some Idol Juice! Here, let me pour you a little -- OH, HEY!!
Creed: Mateo just RIPPED THE BOTTLE OF IDOL JUICE OUT OF TERRY’S HAND... and he DRINKS ALL OF IT IN A SINGLE GULP!!
Anderson: That’s ALL OF MY IDOL JUICE!!
McGinnis: Mateo tosses the empty bottle aside and ROARS LIKE A DRUNKEN BEHEMOTH, whipping the Las Vegas Heavyweight Title over his head like a gold and leather flail! He has gone just COMPLETELY BERSERK!!
Creed: Tony Daniels and Terry Anderson clear out of the way! Mateo will hit ANYBODY at this point!
Anderson: WHOA!! HEY!! ERIK!! ERIK!! RELAX, MAN!!
Creed: Curse your Idol Juice, Terry! You’ve made a MONSTER!!
McGinnis: Daniels is trying to get that belt away from him! He reaches for it... OH GOD, MATEO JUST SPUN AROUND AND BLASTED HIM IN THE FACE WITH IT!!
Anderson: SECURITY!! SECURITY!! WE’VE GOT A CODE BLUE EMERGENCY!!
Creed: Security are already on their way down the ramp, sent by the commissioner who is probably seeing this all go down in the back! They’re hitting the ring, and Mateo’s going after THEM now!!
McGinnis: That belt is a lethal weapon in Erik Mateo’s hands! OH MAN, he just blasted another security guard upside the head! DO SOMETHING, TERRY!!
Anderson: What, are you CRAZY?!
Creed: Wait a minute... KERRY KUROYAMA is recovered in the corner!! He’s finally woken up, and notices his two shots on the apron nearby!
McGinnis: Looks like SOMEBODY still remembers that this Drunken Brawl is a match! Kuroyama bends over and grabs his glasses... nearly FALLS OVER in the process, but he keeps ahold of the ropes for balance!
Creed: Meanwhile, Erik Mateo has just cleared the LAST of IWF security guards from the ring! Even a WHOLE TEAM of SECURITY GUARDS can’t subdue that raging drunk right now! Tony Daniels is lying in the corner, holding his head in pain... which leaves only TERRY for him to direct his wrath!
McGinnis: Get out of that ring, Terry!
Anderson: Hang on... ERIK!! Buddy, come on! You wouldn’t hit your old buddy “The Idol” wouldja?
Creed: TERRY!! Folks, Terry Anderson just got PASTED with that Las Vegas Title!
McGinnis: Hey, I warned him!
Crowd: “YOU-SUCK!! YOU-SUCK!! YOU-SUCK!! YOU-SUCK!!”
Creed: Erik Mateo’s DRUNKEN RAMPAGE has just cleared everybody from the ring!
McGinnis: Not EVERYBODY! Kerry Kuroyama is STILL on his feet, and he just put down his next two shots! Somebody... RING THE BELL!! BRING ON ROUND SIX!!
SFX: *DING! DING!*
Creed: There’s the bell for round six, and Mateo turns his attention back to Kuroyama! Kerry twirls around...
Creed: WWWHOOOOOAAA NELLY, WHAT A DISCUS PUNCH BY KERRY KUROYAMA!! HE NEARLY KNOCKED THE RAGING ERIK MATEO OUT OF HIS BOOTS!!
McGinnis: Mateo nearly got lifted a FOOT off the mat from that punch! He is OUT like CLAY AIKEN!!
Creed: Tony Daniels is back up, and now he BEGINS THE TEN COUNT!!
Creed: This COULD BE IT!!
McGinnis: I sure hope so, because if Erik Mateo gets back to his feet, somebody better call the NATIONAL GUARD!!
Anderson: UGH... what just happened?
Creed: Welcome back, Terry! In case you missed it, you just got KNOCKED OUT!!
McGinnis: But you’re not the only one!
Anderson: Wait a sec... WHAT HAPPENED?! WHY IS ERIK KNOCKED OUT!? STOP EVERYTHING!!
Creed: IT’S OVER!!
(CUE UP: “Revolve” by the Melvins. Immediately after a wounded Tony Daniels raises Kerry’s arm in victory, Kuroyama falls like a fallen oak face-first onto the mat and blacks out.)
Bell: Here is your winner, by knock out...
Creed: What a glorious victory for the young Pacific Blitzkrieg, Kerry Kuroyama, overcoming the odds and defeating the favored Erik Mateo in a Drunken Brawl!
McGinnis: I’m sure he’ll bask in the glory once he wakes up.
Creed: EMTs are on their way down to the ring. Hopefully, these men aren’t suffering from alcohol poisoning... although I’m certain both knew the risks when they agreed to this match. One has to wonder where the young wrestling prodigy Kuroyama will go after this hard-fought win.
McGinnis: Uh... where did Terry go?
(CUT TO: The commentary booth, as a red-faced Terry “The Idol” Anderson returns to his post.)
Creed: Welcome back, Terry... you sure got up here in a hurry.
Anderson: Oh whatever... that kid just got LUCKY! I don’t know what you guys saw up there, but I was down here the entire time, and Erik Mateo OWNED this match from beginning to end! What just happened there was a FLUKE!
Creed: That may be... but in the end, Erik Mateo’s own drunken rage, which has long touted as his greatest strength, proved to be his downfall when he just got a bit TOO drunk for anybody to handle! Kuroyama found the perfect opportunity to put him down and went for it.
Anderson: Bah... Erik is STILL the only champ I recognize in this federation! One lucky shot doesn’t change that one bit!
McGinnis: Of course... you probably have other things to worry about, since you lied to Chairman Cho’s assistant about the contents of your Idol Juice... not to mention committing a felony.
Anderson: The hell you talking about?
McGinnis: Soliciting to a minor...?
Anderson: Hey man, she told me she was THIRTY!
Anderson: OH WAIT... you were talking about that whole thing down there. Forget what I just said.
Creed: I try to do that every day, but every time you open my mouth, so say something so flabbergasting, it haunts me for years. HAUNTS me, Terry!
Anderson: Christ on sale, A-C! Take your Midol and CHILLAX already...
Creed: Ugh... let’s just get on with the show. Next up folks; the match Seattle has been waiting for! Derrick "ADD" Allen vs. "Sub Pop" Scott Douglas! Let's go to the ... hold on; I'm getting word something is going on backstage!