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Jack 'n Hoff v Whole Grain


League Member
Jan 11, 2006
Cape Cod
Jack and Hoff are sitting around their kitchen table. Hoff is wearing his favorite hoodie, and his hat. Jack looks a mess. His hair is all over the place and he’s still wearing his Green Lantern pajama bottoms.<o></o>
“Dude, what was that?”<o></o>
Jack shakes his head as he asks the question. Hoff stops and looks behind him.<o></o>
“What was what? I don’t see anything.”<o></o>
Jack rolls his eyes and puts his finger in the air.<o></o>
“Wrestlestock. I mean, we at least wrestled our damn match, and yet both the Inner Circle and Bored of Edukashun get to fight for the championships again?”<o>

</o> Hoff shrugs.
“Who knows?”<o></o>
“I want to know!”
Jack pouts as he shovels some scrambled eggs into his mouth.<o></o>
“We’ll just make it up at Banned in the US.”<o></o>
Jack looks up, egg hanging from his mouth.<o></o>
“We bether.”<o></o>
“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, it’s nasty.”<o></o>
Hoff takes a sip of his orange juice and places the cup on the table.<o>
“You see who we’re facing? Coolwhip – and Lucky Charmz."
Jack sits back and wipes his mouth.<o></o>>
“Damn it. I knew I forgot something at the store.”<o></o>
Hoff sighs.<o></o>>
“And I thought we had an awful name.”<o>
Jack, seemingly not paying attention, butts in.<o></o>
“I was in the cereal aisle, too. I walked right by the Lucky Char..”<o></o>
“Dude. Shutup.”<o></o>
Jack stops.<o></o>
“Man, what crawled up your vagina and died today?”<o>
“We need to come up with a better plan. Our last few haven’t worked.”<o></o>
“What plans?”<o></o>>
Hoff grabs a roll off the table and flings it at Jack. It pops him right between the eyes.<o></o>
“I’ve gone over the plans every single time before the match. But you get so damn excited that you forget about them!”<o></o>
“So you don’t gotta throw food at me!”<o></o>
Hoff grabs another roll causing Jack to duck underneath the table.
“Listen. We’re going to go into Banned in the US with a plan and you’re going to stick to it.”<o>

</o> Jack peeks from underneath the table.<o></o>
“Put the roll down.”<o></o>
Hoff puts it down.<o></o>
“Thank you.”<o></o>
Jack sits back up and digs his fork into the scrambled eggs. As soon as he does he gets popped in the head with another roll.<o></o>
“That’s it!”<o></o>
Jack shoots up from his chair and pounces across the table knocking Hoff from his. The scene fades as the two fight in the middle of the kitchen, using anything and everything they can get their hands on.<o></o>
Last edited:


League Member
Jul 29, 2007
"So I layed that ***** out and took her purse. I don't give a damn WHO you is, you don't fart on my couch. Know Im sayin? Know Im sayin?"


The two young men slap hands. We find ourselves in what appears to be a music studio. A recording booth and an editing room are easily distinguishable.

"Ballin son!" screams the tall black man randomly. For purposes of less writing and time wasted on reading pointless descriptions, the tall black man is Lucky Charmz. Striaght out
'DUH HOOD' as he would say. He may have lived in a piss poor part of town, but hes livin pretty luxerious now.

"Stop talkin **** Tom," he yells into the air. I would be Narator Tom. If you didn't know I existed, the two of them randomly speaking to no one in particular, and calling that no one 'Tom' would seem a bit strange. But none the less, I'm Tom. Now, the smaller white guy would be Coolwhip. He's lived in Georgia most of his life, Sandy Springs that is. It is exactly how it sounds; very, very nice and upscale.

"I spit lines like a llama man I always stay paid, you see Im Gotti with these hoes every ***** I see I take," Coolwhip begins his flow.

"Dats SICK yo!"

"Haha, I know right? Yo, you spit some ****!" Screams C-Dub. See, I told you Id impliment your other nickname. Crazy bastard... Lucky Charmz nods and turns to a man, apparently the studio engineer.

"Turn that beat up, son! I'm in the zone!"

He obliges and the studio fills up with loud bass and drums. Lucky starts rockin back and forth with the beat.

"Yo, I leave fire on the track like Johnny Blaze, me and 'Whip aint drug free always got some purple haze. Got so much money, I be buying crazy boats, In da club makin it rain so hard strippers come out in rain coats!"

Suddenly, our friend Lucky Charmz begins to act erractic and takes off his shirt and jumps around. He's getting way into the track. Coolwhip pushes him insanely too hard, knocking him clear into the wall. Im surprised there's no dent.

"I get jiggy on the track with a will to be prince of bling, I stay fresh on the mic now watch me turn into a king. I blaze like the sun but I keep it cold like ****in ice, Last night was nice but Im itchy either herpes or ****in lice. Damn hoe!"

"Thats...bad. You need to get checked out. The advancments in modern medicine is stupendous. They're doing amazing things these days," Lucky preaches.

"I concur."

....What the ****?

"Aye yo, we been in this studio for 6 days and still aint made one song. I'm startin to smell like yo mom's dick," Lucky says.

"Man my mom aint got no dick,"

"Well she got a bad growth then. That **** smell worse then dead fish that been in the sun for 3 days marinated in dog vomit," Charmz explains. Thats really ****in nasty. I mean, like... Nasty.

"Yo man thats ****ed up," Coolwhip tells him. "I wouldn't go that far."

"I was just jokin," Charmz laughs. "Yo man, I think we need to get some fresh air. Been in this joint for awhile, B."

"Yeah, I feelin that. Let's go"

Both of them leave the studio. They walk up some very nice and well polished stairs that lead them outside. Once out, they both lean against a nearby brick wall. The moonlight shines down on Coolwhip's teeth, making them look whiter than usual. Imagine Gary Busey circa 1984.

"Colgate's been good to ya I see," Charmz jokes. I'd say he's been applying white out, but I don't technically exist.

"Ha ha, ya'll got jokes I see," Coolwhip looks over to his right and notices a young female walking towards them.

"Ah **** here we go. 30 bucks say I get this chick's number," Coolwhip brags.

"Shiiit, I'll take that bet," Charmz nods. Hell, let me in on this one. I've seen you in action before... Not pretty.

"Tom yous a *****, man. If you had a face I'd beat the hell out of it."

If I had a face I wouldn't be narating the lives of two idiots who lack the common skills to function daily in society.

"Cool it yo, we gotta be SCRAIGHT," Charmz places his hands on Coolwhips shoulders to calm him down. Seeing how nothing is actually real... Jessica Alba places her hands on other areas of my anatomy to calm me down. Life is good.

"You always dreamin Tom," Charmz tells me.


"Yo it sure takin her a long time to get here. I mean she's like 10 feet away and we been waitin on her slow ass for like an hour now," Coolwhip points out.

"Maybe she got lost on the way."

"Or maybe she fell down, broke her ankle, went to the hospital, had it in a cast for 5 months, it healed, and now shes back to continue her journey," Coolwhip nods.

"Yeah, thats possible..." Charmz rolls his eyes. The girl finally gets within their range. Coolwhip clears his throat in preperation for his mack daddy game.

"Ay gurl--"

"Get away from me," She cuts him off.

"AH DAMN!" Charmz explodes into laughter. You can't blame him. That had to be the worst showing of game since Yao Ming entered the NBA.

"She trippin."

"Nah, she smart is what she is," Charmz continues laughing.

"She blind or something. All this goodness right in front of her and she gone leave it. The **** wrong with her..."

"She blind from all this damn bling you got on. I know you tryna look the part son, but 6 chains??"

"Man I got it like it that," Coolwhip nods and begins walking down the sidewalk.

"Aye lets get back to house," The two nod.

Yes. They live with eachother. Brings up a lot of sexual preference questions doesnt it?


Back at the house--

"LARGE house."

Thank you... Back at the LARGE house, the defenders of evil relax on their oversized leather couches, blowing through cases of bud light and smoking that reefer.

"Who says reefer anymore?"

The phone rings.

"WHAT UP?!" Charmz answers. Hes so well mannered.

"Who is it?" Coolwhip asks. "Is it my mom?" Charmz waves his arms for Coolwhip to back off. "Is it that guy from that thing? From the other night?"

Hmmm... I wonder what he did with that guy.

"Shut up fool!" Charmz yells.

"Damn shawty, I just wanna know whats up," Coolwhip pouts.

Lucky continues listening for a bit before saying goodbye and hanging up. He turns to Coolwhip and nods with a smile.



The two stand up and attempt to high five, but are under the influence of too many substances to successfully complete the slapping transfer. THey settle for another WOOOO and sit back down.

"Yeah son!" Charmz yells afterwards.

"Yeah!... Whats going on?" Coolwhip seems confused.

Dumb ****s.

"AH we got our first match!"

"Oh thats whats up," C-Dub nods.

Amazing that this type of information would be recieve via cellphone. Don't wrestlers sign match contracts? Or something?

"Let it be Tom, let it be."

"We gone tear this thang UP! I can feel it. Gonna be world champs," Coolwhip smiles happily at his not-yet-happened victory.

"We a tag-team, we don't get those belts. We get tag belts... But yeah, we gone tear it up... Jack and Hoff," Charmz nods.



"Jackin Off... Something... Its the team we facing."

"That name is the ****! Why aren't we that?" Coolwhip asks, wrinkles on his cute little forhead.

"Cause they're that already. Damn son, keep up. You know we gotta train and ****," Charmz reveals.

"Lets do this."


Out of nowhere it seems a bowflex machine appears and the two head to it. They start pulling at various parts of it. Obviously, they have no idea what to do.

4 hours later, after continuously pulling, pushing, and grabbing at all the parts of the machine, and taking random beer breaks of course, the two collapse on the couch. How cute.

"Yeah man, we got this," Coolwhip assures himself.

"Gonna woop dat ass. Make em tap 1 2 3!


They then pass out. The sounds of heavy snoring fill the room.

FADE TO BLACK... or something

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