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Jared Justice vs. The Cannonball Kidd


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Out of the gutter

(Cueup: "Action" by Powerman 5000)

(Things start out with a black screen. After a few seconds, the words "CANNONBALL KIDD" appear, grow seemingly closer to the camera, and then fade out. They are followed by "A MAN" and "WITH A MESSAGE". After the text is a close-up on Cannonball Kidd's eyes, covered as always by his signature flight goggles)

Cannonball Kidd: Well. I am most impressed. Those responsible for my matches in GLCW really do seem to have my best interests in mind.

(Camera zooms out to show Cannonball's face)

Cannonball Kidd: At this point in time, I'm at a bit of an impasse. I was granted my shot at the Great Lakes Heavyweight Title, and my strategy for the match was rock-solid - Maelstrom's title reign would have been easily ended if all had gone as it was supposed to. But regrettably, the match proceedings were tainted, first by COMPLETELY unnecessary interference by Anarky - something I asked him very nicely NOT to do - and then by the then-unstoppable, now-murderous rage of "Man of Action" Joe Clarke. I can't blame Clarke for his actions, of course - I knew the risks inherent to having someone plagued by unquenchable, directionless violent fury at ringside. But there's just no excuse for Anarky's involvement, and he should be very ashamed of himself, not only for his cowardly sneak-attack, but also for completely throwing off my brilliant strategy.

(Camera zooms out to show Cannonball's torso)

Cannonball Kidd: The bottom line, though, is that I lost the match, albeit by no fault of my own. And since my loss was so very tainted, I'm certain to get a rematch for the Great Lakes Heavyweight Title, which is rightfully mine. But I can't just expect the GLCW championship committee to go throwing everything at me...there are others in line for title shots, and I wouldn't be so selfish as to think they ALL belong to me. My rematch will come in due time. So the GLCW matchmakers have done their best to keep me busy. First, they gave me a chance to teach a well-deserved lesson to Jarod Poe and Nemesis. Then, they gave "Man of Action" Joe Clarke his first GLCW match, which will do wonders for keeping his murderous rage in check. And now, they've given me Jared Justice.

(Cannonball adopts a faux thoughtful look)

Cannonball Kidd: And, at the risk of sounding clichè once again, I can't help but remark on the opportunity I've been given here. Surely there's no one in GLCW with as little faith in his abilities as Jared Justice. The guy hasn't won a match in forever. He spits out a catch phrase or two, goes out there, and loses, night after night after night. Yes, this is a man who is clearly in dire need of my help.

(Cannonball strikes a heroic pose)

Cannonball Kidd: Think about it, Justice! You don't have to be the joke you are now! I know you've all but given up on ever being a success again, but it doesn't have to be that way! I can help. In fact, I can do more than just make you a viable contender again. I can improve your surely rock-bottom self-esteem. With my proven program for self-actualization, I can fish your career out of the gutter and put it on the road to self-improvement.

(Camera zooms back in on Cannonball's face)

Cannonball Kidd: I've been in the wrestling business for a while, Jared, and I can remember back when you were one of the tougher guys in the business. I'm sure you look back at those days too, and think you can never go back. Well, I thought that once too, but I turned my life and career around through the wonder of self-actualization, and as an authority in the field, I can do the same for you. All you have to do is say the words, and I can start helping you today. Because I'm not just another guy who's going to watch you go through your sad, tired motions while I wait for my inevitable victory...I'm a Man...

(Camera zooms in on Cannonball's eyes)

Cannonball Kidd: ...with a Message.

(Fade out)

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