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Jeff Andrews vs. Joey Melton

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the EX-QUEEN of FW~!
Jan 1, 2000
Greensboro USA
(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of an ULTRATITLE backdrop.)

JOEY MELTON: I’m not sure I would have made the correlation. But with sixteen of us left there’s no other way to say it. Joey Melton feels an awful lot like the oppressive heat wave tearing through the East Coast. Would you hate me too much if I stood in front of a green screen, talked about pressure systems, storm fronts, congratulated a couple Centenarians and then with the sincerity of years worth of built up trust, leveled you with the simple truth.

Yesterday looks a lot like today.

It’s going to be another ****ing hot one.

Jeff, you can blame Marcus Davis and Showtime. You can curse the monkeys who picked scented draw sheets from a barrel and created the brackets. It doesn’t really matter who’s at fault, but this tournament is officially ****ed because nobody got Joey Melton early. You let me work my way into the ULTRATITLE, you let me knock the rust off, and now, well I’d say there’s gold on the ceiling and its mine oh mine, but catch phrases seem to be ****ed around these parts don’t they Troy?

YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE OLD MAN WHEN HE WASN’T QUITE ****ING RIGHT…. But you didn’t! And now? Well now Jeff we’re no longer writing your legacy, we’re finishing up what I started yesterday. You let the old man get that ol’ sweet winning feeling again and the ULTRATITLE as I told everyone from the start…IS MINE.

I tried to ****ing pay the last man to beat me and he didn’t want the money. He couldn’t cash in. 10k if he pinned my shoulders to the man Jeff, and the money STILL is burning a hole in my pocket. I told Showtime I hadn’t cut the check yet. That’s how confident I am. I’m paying you assholes to try and knock me out of this tournament and save what credibility your careers have left, but you can’t do it.

I’m a puppet master, again. Why, there’s even my wooden boy awaiting me in the next round.

But, yes we can’t overlook Jeff Andrews. You’ve had a hell of a career, son. I’ve wrestled from coast to coast, and have even sold out a small village on the Iranian border where the republic guards wanted to take me in, but they were too captivated by the show. The point is…I’ve been around. I know who you are. I’ve heard the name. I’ve seen footage. Apparently you’re quite the name with hookers across the country, too. Kudos!

Hell, I’ve tried to get Dan Ryan to get me a contract offer for Defiance but he’s still mad I sexted his wife – the other Troy slut – by accident. If you’re in this tournament Jeff, you’ve earned it.

So, my hats off to you.

I look forward to seeing what you’ve got.

I’m 48 years-old. I’m the underdog here. Nobody wants to lose to Joey Melton, nobody wants to think they can’t beat someone literally PAYING them to do so. The reality is, you’re the younger man Andrews. In all probability you walk away the winner and I cough up a check for 20k. And the next morning the birds sing a new song, cats and dogs are able to live together, and Tom Cruise finally has the balls to admit he’s gay. But we don’t live in a perfect world, Jeff.

We live the in real world.

A world governed by simple truths, cold and ugly as they seem.

And the truth is this…


One by one the pre-tournament favorites have started their summer vacations early. Hell, Sean Stevens was supposed to take my lunch and that son of a ***** lost TWICE! Yes, yes, foot on the ropes, the worlds is a cruel place. I once lost the World Junior title over some bull****, but that’s the dick of this business. Sometimes you don’t always have a say in where and how you take it.

Now, that little bastard who gets to bed Poison Ivy every night is on internet podcasts *****ing.

“I’ve never done well in tournaments before…”

Really? How much worse can he do than to lose ****ing twice in a single elimination tournament? I’d hate to see his previous track record.

All the favorites, they’re all little girls.

Dan Ryan, Doc Silver, Blaine Hollywood, Sean Stevens, Troy Windham…did I miss anyone? Everyone that was supposed to beat Joey Melton, or let’s just say…had BETTER ODDS to win than Joey Melton.. ****ing gone and they’re mailing in their excuses faster than they can stamp the ****ing letters.

But let’s not feel too bad for Troy Windham. The man has a cable ace award and has worked repeatedly with Nancy McKeon and Tom Wopat. I remember the Earth shaking when he did voice over work for “Home Movies” and I know he counts Jon H. Benjamin as a close person friend, so he’s got that going for him which is nice.

I remember every phone call from Doc over the years telling me what a bad person I was…that I was killing the business with my creativity. What Joey Melton was doing wasn’t REAL ENOUGH for his tastes. Done. Career finished to a ****ing half-wit who started his career with a bottle of piss tied around his neck.

And the Incredible Bulk, Dan Ryan. Yes, Dan I’m sorry I texted your wife a shot of my enormous penis but I thought someone in the family needed a bit of good news of late.

I laugh at all of you. The fans, the backbone of this business who sat in front of a computer and filled out their brackets as they opened up new tabs of Kristen Stewart’s star celebs page. You gave Joey Melton token wins, but the greatness that was supposed to stop me from winning, the idols you believed in, GONE.


And for one reason.

They were all scared ****less.

They were all too afraid to ****ing fail. Some of them even afraid of shadows that weren’t there. But there’s one thing I’ve never been afraid of Jeff. Joey Melton has never been afraid to fail. And I’ve done it on a grand scale.

So many people in this business they take themselves too seriously. I’ve never been afraid to open my mouth. I’ve gotten my ass beat in the back on a few occasions, but I keep on. Why? Because Joey Melton came from nothing. It’s a joke I’ve been able to achieve this much. I was homeless by the time I was 15. I was raised by parents who toured Jersey as carnies.

It’s only natural Joey Melton is a freak.

It’s the cloth I was cut from.

EVERY…THING…I…HAVE…..I EARNED. Nothing has EVER been given to me. That’s why I laugh when Calvin Carlton introduces the next big thing raised with a silver spoon in his mouth. When the biggest names of this tournament started carrying their legacies around like crosses they couldn’t bear… I laughed.

I don’t give a **** what happened yesterday. I never have.

That’s why I’ve changed over the years, more than any other wrestler. All we have is today, and I live to prove that in this moment I’m still the best there is.

I’m all this tournament has left. You really think Chad Merritt won’t hang himself out of his office window if Jeff Andrews headlines the FINAL of this baby?

I told you all that the ULTRATITLE and Joey Melton were the perfect marriage. It’s been the only relationship of mine to last. Ryan, Windham, Silver, Stevens, Joe the Plumber…why am I not scared? I’ve won this twice already, but the men I beat in those Finals are out of this business. Here’s the rub Jeff, nobody really WANTED to list Joey Melton as a favorite. I was an attraction. It’s like seeing Jenny McCarthy pose for Playboy at 40.It’s something you want to see, but some other cumdumpster is bound to catch your attention as the pages turn.

Nobody got me early and now the writing is on the wall. And you’ll hate yourself for it, all of you will when this is over, that Joey Melton walked away winning this for the THIRD TIME. At 48 years old. But it will happen. Because, the fact of the matter is those men never stood a chance anyway.

I don’t care what anyone thinks about me other than – ME.

That’s why I walked away years ago from EPW AS THEIR CHAMPION because Dan Ryan wouldn’t pay me what I thought I was worth.

And that’s why, when none of you thought beating Joey Melton was anything but a footnote, I put up thousands of my own money. Because I know how special it is to pin my shoulders to the mat for three seconds. It’s a big ****ing deal, Jeff. If you can do it, I’ll pay the bounty. NO questions asked.

Because money, it’s easy come easy go. I made bucket loads in my youth. I’m not sure it’s ever been reported, but one reason I stuck around in Greensboro in 1988 was because my contract said I got a small % of the gross for the first 10 years.

I was filthy rich. And I gambled and drank nearly all of it away.

But what did I do?

I picked myself up again Jeff.

When nobody else saw anything but a drugged up, washed up 30 something year-old…I saw Joey Melton. I was born to perform.

When you take the freak off his leash, people will pay good money to see it.

And I’m back at Trump Towers.

Even if the calls don’t come in anymore….I know what Joey Melton is worth, and **** if I’m not proving it in this tournament.

As Talia Shire said…


And you can’t Jeff. And you won’t. Because this is my story now. Its destiny I face Cameron Cruise with everything on the line.

I want the best. If Jack Harmen is wrestling’s new God…I want the chance to share my truth with him.

And there’s Eli Flair. It’d be poetic justice, beating Flair in the Finals. The man who changed the business for me. I don’t hate Eli Flair, the man. We’ve driven across the country together, we’ve drank each other under tables night in and night out. He’s a good kid. And he knows if he needs anything from me, ever, I’m there. But, I think he’s **** for talent. I don’t think he can work his way out of a paper bag. And to win the UT for a THIRD TIME stepping over a half-talent like Flair, what better way to end it? To call it a career?

But Jeff, don’t cry. I haven’t forgotten to talk about you.

You’re real.

You’re there.

There’s 50/50 odds this is my last match. And if so, kudos.

And again, I’m offering you $20,000 to do it. A BOUNTY ON MY OWN HEAD.

You don’t need the money, I know. But give it to charity, son. Maybe finally get your teeth done. Buy the good escorts for once and not those cheap hookers who make you double bag condoms.

You win. I pay out.

But, as this tournament has shown. I’m not the Ego Buster. I’m not the Epitome, or a man of Oxford!

I’m just a truth teller, and right now the truth has to be told. There’s no way in hell you’re going to win this match, deep down, I think you believe it too, Jeff.

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