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MAIN EVENT: Television Championship - Entertainment v Black (c)


Jan 1, 2000
(CUE UP: “Sweet Leaf” by Black Sabbath. Fuck yeah.)

(The camera opens up on a New ERA of Wrestling logo emblazoned with a crimson ten-pointed symbol that vaguely resembles a hemp leaf. “THE DRUID” ERIK BLACK struts his shit onto the stage in the middle of the second riff...)

“The Druid” Erik Black


(Following a short-lived Sabbath strut, Black stops in his tracks and locks eyes with the camera. His face looks wild and daring beneath his goat-like beard and bedhead-bozo hairstyle. In his hand materializes a joint so big)

“The Druid” Erik Black

Greetings once again, fellow Dragonauts, Druids, DOPESMOKERS alike in New ERA of Wrestling… and a Merry Four-Twenty to all of you.

(Black takes a HYYUUUUGE hit off the spliff clenched between his teeth and lets out a cloud that smothers the camera’s immediate vision. Professional wrestling’s “Goat Bastard” reappears through the clearing haze, red-eyed, grinning... a Maniacal Messiah.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
Jeff “Greenhorn” Jorgenson... I gotta hand it to you, bro... you really threw it down in that ring. In all honestly... you exceeded my every expectation. I’m not afraid to say you could’ve walked away a champion...

(Shaking his head, he readjusts the NEW TELEVISION TITLE around his waist, showing the face of the belt to the viewing audience.)

“The Druid” Erik Black

But that night, the Cosmos saw fit to favor ME once again.

And why ME, exactly? What makes this reckless, causeless STONER consistently walk out of that ring a winner?

(He shrugs.)

“The Druid” Erik Black

Ya got me, man. I just go in there and let it all happen.

But that’s not to say that APATHY is the path to success. I mean... there is always that possibility that I’m just a FUCKING BADASS in there. There’s just always been a recognition of futility in my life. At the end of everything, we’ll all be nothing more than spacedust....

...but still... that shouldn’t deter us from striving for something more.

I have yet to discover what it is that I, personally, strive for... but you, Jeff? You seem to have your shit figured out. You’ll be back to challenge me for this title... I know it. Maybe then, the Cosmos will be on your side. Maybe you’ll finally achieve your dreams...

(He takes another drag off the joint.)

“The Druid” Erik Black

…or maybe not. You never know.

(He lets free the lungful with a violent hack. After a moment to recompose himself, Erik continues...)

“The Druid” Erik Black

But right now... I’ve gotta move on. I’m set to defend the New ERA of Wrestling Television Title against the man who was arguably the one to DEFINE this championship. The man who proved to be SO entertaining... he made it his name.


(Bowing slightly to the camera, he takes another drag off the spliff and taps the face of the belt a couple of times.)

“The Druid” Erik Black

Mr. E... I know you’re coming back for THIS belt. Problem is... the workings of the Cosmos are completely beyond your control.

More importantly... I am beyond your control.

If you want the belt, Mr. E... walk into the ring and take it. All you have to do is pin me, or make me tap out. Only thing you should concern you is the fact that nobody’s been able to do either of those as of yet here in New ERA of Wrestling.

(He shrugs once again with a completely indifferent smirk on his face.)

“The Druid” Erik Black

What can I say, man? I’m just in tune with the cosmic fugue of the Universe.

(He suddenly cups his ear, looking somewhere off camera.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Listen closely... do you hear it?

(The huge jam part in the middle of “Sweet Leaf” picks up in volume. Black begins Sabbath strutting again, scatting in tune to Tony Iommi’s guitar solo. He takes it off camera as another released hit from his joint smothers the camera in smoke, and the footage goes to black.)


New member
Nov 16, 2003
Nottingham, England
[CUEUP: “Eight Miles High” by The Byrds, as we’re treated to a rather triptastic montage of Erik Black’s matches in WFW:NE and New ERA! The footage itself is black and white, with a 60s oil-gel lighting effect (spot of oil between two gel plates swirling as the light heats the oil – it was all the rage back then). Throughout the guitar solo, the shots change frequently in time with the notes – but, as the last verse plays, something happens – the montage fades, replaced by a non-descript, formless black blob, growing larger and larger until finally the song ends.

CUEUP: “Triggerman” by Alice Cooper! The scene changes, to the set of “That’s Entertainment!”, with Alice and his band playing for the crowd. The footage is interspersed with various shots of Mr. Entertainment throughout his New ERA career. Eagle-eyed fans will spot him wrestling The Phantom Republican, Jonathan Marx, Cameron Cruise, MWG, Steven Shane, and others. From his TEAM career representing New ERA, he’s up against Promo, Karl “The Dragon” Brown, Joey Melton – lifting the Dupree Cup with his TEAMmates – before we get shots of his series with HAL as the lyrics state “he’s really really sick.” Throughout the final 38 seconds we get shots of the man himself hitting “That’s Entertainment” and Stun Guns on numerous foes, and we end with a shot of his moonsault onto MWG before closing on him holding the WHAHADTT belt aloft following his win over “Gentleman” Jonathan Marx.

Once the song ends, the crowd, as you’d expect, are going CRAZY for the biggest shock-rock star of all time, Alice Cooper. It takes several seconds before we PAN ROUND to see Mr. Entertainment sitting on the edge of the desk across the stage. He’s dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, with a mic in his hand ready to talk. But, ever the entertainer, he lets Alice bask in the glory for a few more seconds]

ME: Give – it – UP! He’ll never lie to ya, Mister… Alice… COOPER!!

Crowd: [MEGAPOP]

ME: Who says I don’t treat ya’ll sometimes?

Thank you ta Alice, more from him a lil’ bit later on. First, though, I should tell ya it is GREAT ta be back in New ERA proper. Yeah I know we had the whole World’s Finest thing goin’ but it didn’t quite feel… homely. I missed Marceau

Crowd: [jeer]

ME: She always did have the best business sense in the entire wrestling world an’ it was a damn SHAME – when I heard she wasn’t gonna be part of WFW:NE. But now tha’ it’s a New ERA fer New ERA? She’s back an’ BOY has she already had a hy-UGE impact! Because despite the idiocy of the people who wanted ta see Jeff Jorgenson get another shot at the belt – despite all those morons who wanted ta see Cameron Cruise get a rematch – the big boss decided tha’ what the people need isn’t what they want, but somethin’ much, much better.


Mister Entertainment

Winnin’ back MY… Television Title!

[The crowd sounds like they’re cheering – but you get the sense the levels have been altered and some canned, sitcom-esque cheering’s been added on top of jeers that can still just about be heard]

ME: So there I was, havin’ beaten Totally Carsick Trevor Cane, an’ sittin’ in the lockerroom with the monitor on, checkin’ out the TRUE competition. No, not the wimps, pansies an’ SNOOZERS like Peter File an’ Shawn Hart, but the people competin’ fer the TV – my TV – title. Because that’s the biggest, most prestigious belt that’s existed since I retired the World Heavyweight Actually Held Actually Defended TV Title. Not the World Title, but my TV title.

[Some of the crowd start to boo again – you wonder why they turned up – but Mr. Entertainment just ignores them. Probably thinking how best to edit out some of the jeers later]

ME: Ya know, when the final bell rang an’ I realised who it was I’d be facin’ ta win back MY Television title, I was a lil’ bit taken aback. My mind warped back all those years ago, ta the days when Jason Payne dressed like a gimp-mask wearin’ rent boy on acid. Back ta Marco Polo matches and kissin’ Krist Blue in the middle of the ring, and I thought, wow, can I go through all this again?

Then I remembered it’s not MWG I’m goin’ up against, but someone much, much worse in the ring and with a far, far lower tolerance fer substances which aren’t quite legal.

Erik – Gotafix – Black.

An’ my heart sank. Not because I’m not gonna be able ta beat this guy, but because it’s goin’ ta be so… damn… EASY.

Listen, Erik, no disrespect (since disrespect means I’d actually have to see you worthy of some form of potential respect in order ta disrespect ya), but what on this or any Earth makes ya think ya’ve got a chance against the biggest star the world’s ever seen, ME?

Mister Entertainment?

Because ya beat Cruise? Greenhorn? ‘Cos the planets have aligned and all the lil’ druids have spoken – Er...rik Black?

Puh-lease. You couldn’t find yer way out of a bag o’ chips. And ya think yer gonna walk out the door at RAUCOUS with my title still in yer grubby grasp?

No. Because it isn’t what the people NEED. They NEED someone who understands the true meanin’ of ENTERTAINMENT! Someone who’s prepared ta go on TV an’ force them ta turn off the frat-boy drama an’ watch somethin’ with real value, somethin’ that they’ll remember years from now an’ll tell their great grandkids about.

You, goin’ round with the belt, are a farce. Yer a middle-aged frat boy who probably thinks a guy gettin’ hit in the balls by a football is hi-larious, the pinnacle of entertainment.

New ERA needs someone with a better understanding of what actually works an’ what doesn’t. Someone who can shove Hollywood in a closet an’ make this one company bigger than the entire ENTERTAINMENT industry. Someone who’ll say, hey, instead o’ makin’ remakes o’ V, Clash of the Titans and Pocahontas usin’ Smurfs, why don’t ya try doin’ something DIFFERENT? Something ORIGINAL? Something NEW?

That person isn’t you, Erik. It’s ME

Mister Entertainment.

You, who thinks Jeff deserves respect, are what’s wrong with pro-wrestling – hell, with entertainment in America. You’re keeping us in the nineteen nineties, in the craptastic frat-fest scriptwriters put out after going to the bathroom fer twenty minutes. Marceau knows it, deep down in their hearts the fans know it, and after RAUCOUS, when the cosmic stars you’ll be seein’ are twirlin’ round yer head as you lie in the middle of the ring – you’ll know it.

Because it ain’t about you. It ain’t about the power of the cosmos, Skeletor. It’s all… about…


Mister… Entertainment.

[CUEUP: “I Just Wanna Be God” by Alice Cooper. We quickly see Mr. Entertainment winking as the chorus hits before we FADE OUT]


Jan 1, 2000
(CUE UP: “Boris” by the Melvins.)

(The camera opens on the campus grounds of Boise State University. We get the obligatory college B-roll footage, the camera zooms in through the kids walking in between classes on an out-of-place figure sitting on a grassy knoll amid the buildings. In bodhi-satva style, he sits with his legs crossed, seemingly meditating... recharging his “Druid” batteries... or zoning off in narcotic delusions.)

(Could be one of those things, or any of those things.)

(As the camera gets a tighter shot on him, his eyes pop open, and with a wry grin to serve as a greeting to the millions of DRAGONAUTS smokin’ bowls while they watch at home, he takes a quick drag off the pipe cleverly concealed in the sleeve of his bathrobe. As he puffs out a cloud, he begins the daily gospel...)

“The Druid” Erik Black
College... is the zoo of humanity.

(He glances around... taking note of the young attractive pairings of lovers... guys driving by in a red Mustang convertible with a couple kegs in the back...)

“The Druid” Erik Black
For some... these mark the grounds of passage from budding child to grown adult. Nerds into wealthy computer programmers. Prep kids into senators. Jocks into overweight high school gym teachers. Prom queens into mailman-blowing housewives.

(You forgot “Christians into stoners,” as was the case in me.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
The reason why I’m here today instead of the comfort and privacy of my motel room... is to figure out what “frat-boy drama” exactly is... because to some people, I apparently represent it.

Thing is... I never really went to college. I went to Japan, paving a long, hard road through this industry that has only now – eight years later, and by complete CHANCE – paid off into an internationally recognized championship. As such, I don’t really know your typical “frat-boy”, much less the “drama” that goes throughout his average day.

I have to say though, based on my observations today... I’m not really seeing much of a resemblance. Frat guys look like generic, meat-head Midwestern stock that lounge around all day shirtless, showing off their fake discount-store tans while drinking beer and throwing bean-bags back and forth in their front lawns to pick up chicks.

Exhausting lifestyle, I’m sure... with all that “drama” going on.

(Indifferently, he shrugs... taking another puff off the pipe.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
If my visit here today to Boise State University has taught me anything... it’s that my opponent, while thankfully the first to have the mental capacity to look PAST my obvious chronic habits, is either a LIAR when he says he’s been closely watching the New ERA Television Title contenders... or he just has a warped way of looking at the world beyond his tiny bubble of consciousness.

Seriously... if I’m “frat-boy drama”, then the President is fucking white.

(Black rises off the ground, taking a moment to brush the grass clippings from his robe before he starts walking. The camera follows his every movement. There’s a bounce in his step in time to the music, even though it’s clear that he’s the only person who can actually hear it. The pedestrians in the area clear the way – probably because they think he’s going to bum change off of them.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
Forgive me, E... if I don’t quite recall names like “MWG” and “Krist Blue,” having not been present in your hey-dey of New ERA. I suppose it could also just be that I’ve smoked enough over the years to have FORGOTTEN such a time and place... but the point is, that was then... and this?

(He swivels the belt around on his waist so that it’s facing forward, and taps it a couple times. He’s definitely grown used to having it around.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
This is NOW.

And only NOW have you actually crossed paths with “The Druid” after all this time I’ve been competing for “YOUR” Television Title. WAS yours, but is now MINE... and if you had anything to say about it, then I wouldn’t be the one wearing it, now would I?

But something tells me you haven’t been paying as close attention as you claim to be. If you actually HAD been keeping an eye on the Television Title, you’d realize that there’s never any “drama” when I’m in that ring. Nor were there any frat boys, to my knowledge... although I suppose Cruise kinda fits the mold there. Other than that, from bell to bell, it’s always been nothing other than unhinged, logic-defying AWESOMENESS delivered by one of the most insane and innovative minds in this industry to date.

If it’s a call back to the Dark Ages of New ERA, then I don’t know what to tell you, E. Call up Stephen Hawking and have him build a time machine for you. Then fly back to 2005 when you were young, fresh, and relatively important. Relive your glory years, while the rest of this federation enters a new age of enlightenment and freedom from ignorance and the boundaries of logic and reality...

That’s what I have to offer the fans of New ERA of Wrestling... as opposed to dragging out aging seventies shock-rock icons and talking about myself as if I was the Jesus Christ of professional wrestling simply for being me – your definition of “entertainment.”

(He blows a pretty wet scoff before taking another hit off his pipe. People around him glance funny, but he seems rather ignorant or apathetic to whatever they think. Instead, he keeps his gaze on the camera, his attention squarely on his opponent...)

“The Druid” Erik Black
Seriously, E... Given your Messiah-complex, I bet you could change the “E” in your name to “Evangelism”, and nobody would notice the difference. You’re probably sitting on a gold-mine of Christian fans right there, willing to shill out their cash twenty bucks at a time to listen to one man talk about himself with vague references to the Lord thrown in here and there.

But if Carl Sagan has taught us anything, E... it’s that you are not the bright and shining center of everything. Nothing is. We are all the same matter strewn about time and space... and we’re all just along for the ride. Problem is, the ride gets bumpy when guys like YOU come around, thinking you could just grab some imaginary control stick and take control of the spacecraft.

(He shakes his head and looks off to the very limits of time and space.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
“Power” is a vague asset... because people always think that have more of it than they actually do... and they always think they’re entitled to it more than they actually are.

(Aviators reflecting a setting sun find the camera again.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
I don’t blame you for thinking you’re just going to step in that ring and walk all over me, E... easy as that. ALL of my opponents have thought the same thing, for whatever reason... whether it was because I was too stupid, or too careless, or too stoned. And to be completely honest, I’ve never actually expected myself to get this far... much less put a belt around my waist.

And yet... here I am with this belt. I’ll openly admit that Cameron Cruise was the more talented man... and somehow, someway, I walked out of Las Vegas with the TV Title around my waist. In spite of Jeff “Greenhorn” Jorgenson’s burning desire to take it from me and call himself a champion, and even with all the fans behind his back... he didn’t have enough to outlast me. I am undefeated... unquestionably one of the fastest rising stars the industry has ever seen.

All this from one undersized, unassuming pothead.

(He shrugs, completely innocent.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
In all honesty, E, I can’t tell you what makes me think I have a chance to retain this title. I just don’t know what it is that has helped me succeed up to this point in the way that I have. But clearly... neither do you. You’re living in the same ocean of ignorance as all of us... and regardless of how hard you swim, you’ll only get as far as wherever the tides take you.

There’s a chance you could be right. You could be more talented than me... as well as more entertaining. You could even be the very thing this federation needs for a TV Champion. It doesn’t mean I’m going down “easy.” If anything, E... you’ve got your work cut out for you. After all, in spite of my supposed flaws, I stand as an undefeated TV champion... defying all logic by being the world’s first successful stoner.

Ah, but if only I gave a damn...

(Black’s meandering has led him off of campus and out in front of a fraternity house. A couple of the brothers are on the front lawn, casually passing a football back and forth. For the moment, he keeps his attention on the camera.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
I might win... I might not. It’s all a complicated combination of what you bring, what I bring, what drugs I happen to be on, what you had for lunch, and a million of other factors that you and I don’t have the time to mull over right now. The human mind wasn’t built to know and comprehend everything the Universe has to offer us... so I don’t pretend like I have all the answers to everything.

But however it ends, E... whether or not you walk out of the ring with the TV Title, my respect, a new outlook on life, or any combination of those things... the one thing you will NOT leave with is the claim that you were RIGHT.

(As he says this, something in the back of his head tells him to turn around. He swivels around to glance at the frat guys playing catch, catching a puff off the bowl in motion. Frat Guy One can’t help but notice, which distracts him from the low lob from Frat Guy Two that plants itself square in the balls. Whelping, he falls to the ground in pain.)

“The Druid” Erik Black
HAHAHAHAHA!! ...that’s fucking hilarious.

(While the bros deal with each other on the lawn, Black takes another puff of the bowl and keeps wandering down the block as the droning sludge metal of the Melvins fades in again. Cut to black.)


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