Making Greensboro the Capital of the World

[TH]

Fade into a CSWA set out on the beach in Montego Bay, Port of Call for the CSWA Cruise Ship. JA and Lollipop are there, JA in a summery lucha mask, a Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, flip flops and the CSWA Greensboro Championship draped over his shoulder and Lollipop in a black thong bikini and flip flops. JA holds a microphone to his face.

JA: Finally, at last, I have gold in the See-Ess-Dub! My lifelong dream, finally realized after three long... matches.

JA and Lollipop giggle.

JA: In all seriousness though, I've finally hit it big in the oldest, most respected wrestling company in the world not based out of Connecticut, but then again, they're not really a wrestling company anymore as much as they're Stephy-Bear's personal playground for fart and dick jokes that occasionally features a wrestling match that goes for longer than ten minutes.

But bitterness aside... I've finally got me a piece of the gold here, the Greensboro Championship. Now, the last guy who held it, you know, that Borinator dude who I beat at Anniversary to become the Champ, well, he held it for a very long time. However, how often did he defend the title? Seriously, he beat Boogie Smallz and didn't do much else. And I'm not putting down Dr. Boogenstein here, but I mean, it's not that hard to hold a title for 20 months or whatever and only have like one or two title defenses. Small sample size, that sort of thing.

Now, far be it from me to sit here in BEAUTIFUL Montego Bay and just lambast someone for being a hermit crab of a Champion. Nope, I won't do it, I won't sit here and call Rabesquedor a lazy sack of broken sea shells or say that he likes the feel of a moustache against his taint as he's getting his testes mouth-washed by a manwhore named Stefan. Nope, not going to stoop to that level.

What I will do though is make a promise to Big Stevie Fool, Miss Melons McGinnis, everyone on this roster and most importantly, the fans of the See-Ess-Dub. I'm going to bust my ass to make sure that the Greensboro Championship is not only one of the most prestigious titles in this company, but in the sport as well. And I will do that by defending this strap night-in, night-out. Every time there's a CSWA show, I will be there, defending this title with the honor that's accorded to it. I may not hold it for 20 months doing it that way, but God-damn it, I will make it the one title everyone wants.

I will defend it against not only the schlubs of the world who are looking to get their first gold either. No freakin' way. I don't want it easy. I want to face everyone, the Mark Windhams, the Steve Radders, the Dan Ryans, hell, I'll even throw Anger-bot a bone and give him a shot if he wants it.

And I'm gonna start on this cruise. Most people go on cruises for a vacation. Not me. I'm coming here to work. And work I will. I'm going to defend this title on that ship, I'm going to defend it on land, in the arenas and stadia of the world. Hell, I'll defend it anywhere the See-Ess-Dub wants me to and then some.

Of course, I'm also going to find this hacker on the cruise, but that's for another set of segments altogether.

But as God is my witness, anyone who wants a shot at this baby, step right up.

Because I'm gonna have fun knocking you down.

JA and Lollipop smile as the camera zooms out to get a shot of the whole beach and the cruise liner as the scene fades to the CSWA logo.

 

[User Poets]

(FADEIN: The 26th floor of the CS Enterprises headquarters, as Ivy McGinnis is watching the large screen television in her office. She had just received a promotion, but in ten years has grown attached to the room on the 26th floor. Ivy turns toward the camera.)

IVY: First off, JA... congratulations on winning the Greensboro Title. That is, historically and practically, the oldest title belt in the company with the most storied history. The people who wore that belt went on to win multiple World Championships in other promotions, as well as here in the CSWA.

And as the new Executive Vice President of Daily Operations, it's good to hear that you're so gung - ho about defending your title anywhere and everywhere. Too often today, someone will win a belt and rest on their laurels. I'm reminded of a champion in the fWo who won the big one, then spent the next year half - assing it all over the place, leaving it up to the rest of the roster to keep the fans interested.

Good luck to you on the POOLJAM, as well. Titles in the CSWA have a habit of changing at a moment's notice.

But there's one thing I do need to correct you on, JA. I'm a fairly easygoing person, and I hope to be the kind of boss in the backstage of a show that nobody even notices is there. You're all the ones who have to go out and wrestle, so the focus should be on you. I have only one button that people shouldn't push, otherwise, I hope I'm the type of boss that people can come to with their problems.

Unfortunately, you've pressed that button.

Miss Melons McGinnis? Who, exactly, are you talking about, JA? Are you talking about Teri F'king Melton? If so, you should know she's been removed from her position, and if you ever disrespect my family name again by implying that she's part of it, you're gone. Gone, gone, gone.

Are you talking about me? I'll assume you have no idea who I am and what I bring to the table so I'll let you off the hook this time. But if you ever call me Melons again, you're going to find yourself on the fast track to the unemployment line.

And there's exactly two places you can go when you've insulted Ivy McGinnis... and only one of them involves steady work in this business. But I highly doubt you'll want to work there.

It was an honest mistake, I'm sure... don't let it happen again.

(FADEOUT)

 

[TH]

Second verse, same as the first.

JA: Ms. Ivy, hey, can I call you Poison? Or maybe Whitesnake... nah, I think that's going too far, even for me.

Anyway, I'm fully aware that you're not Teri Melton, and I thank God for that every day. I mean, with El Tardador calling the shots in the big office, I would hate for my future in this company to rely on how many nights a week I can throw my hotdog down her hallway of a vag while having my junk quadruple wrapped, because while I'm down with a lot of things, chalmydia, the H-bomb and the Hiv aren't three of them.

No, I'm glad that we have a take-no-nonsense, Singapore cane swinging go-getter in the front office rather than the community bicycle.

But as for it being an honest mistake that I called you what I called you, well, yeah, I guess I can say it was. Just for argument's sake here. I guess you aren't familiar with my personality, but that's okay, I'm not with yours either. Fair is fair, I suppose.

I mean, I don't want any trouble with management. No, I mean, I thought Austin vs. McMahon was the most brilliant angle of the late nineties, but that doesn't mean I want to repeat it here in the See-Ess-Dub. No mas, no mas. Besides, it would be kind of scary if I shaved my head, started cursing like a sailor and drank canned Budweiser every night or if you got all roided up and strutted around the ring like you just had a stainless steel plug shoved where the sun don't shine.

No harm, no foul, right?

But... let's make one thing clear. Just in case you don't want to take my apology and you want to start something that you know you'll regret if you try finishing it, just make sure you know that I'm no green behind the ears rookie that you can just push around like that Gothy stick figure with no self-esteem from your tenth grade civics class. I may not try to assail you physically, but seriously, do you really want to mess with the person voted "Most Likely to Slip Magnesium Citrate into the Principal's Coffee Mug When He's Scheduled to Give a Speech on Founder's Day" by Roman Catholic High's Senior Class of 1995? I don't think so.

So in closing, I'm sorry I got your feathers ruffled there Winger Ivy, but it was only in jest. Now I hope that means we're smooth sailing on calm seas from here on out...

...right?

Fade