Class is in Session!!
FADE IN: A sound stage at CS Towers in Greensboro, N.C. - 2:14 A.M.
The PHENOM, decked out in powder-blue velour, stands with a smug expression on his face before a retro 70's, toilet-water yellow refrigerator covered with alphabet magnets. The majority of the letters are haphazardly grouped together without rhyme or reason, but above the jumbled magnet mess, the letters 'C-S-W-A' are carefully arranged and prominently displayed. After a tight shot on the letters, the camera locks in on the Phenom.
TP: My oh my... My dear Mr. Wind-HAM... affected like an assh(FCC)le American Idol contestant, minus the fringe benefits with Paula Abdul. Chock-full of delusions and totally clueless. Heh, you think I want YOUR autograph?! I wouldn't wipe me ARSE with a paper you signed... unless, of course, I was out of TP, but when it comes to having a CLEAN BOTTOM, principle takes a BACK SEAT... A-ha... PUN INTENDED!! But I doth digress here, as the matter at hand isn't my ass, or even your crappy singing voice. Nah, y'see... I haven't come to hate, I've come to EDUCATE! Cuz heaven knows... you, my friend, are sorely lacking in that department....
He snickers at himself for an unusually long amount of time. Suddenly, the phrase "JENNY'S BIRTHDAY - AGE 9 - 10/14/2004" appear on the screen. The Phenom sees this on a monitor, then glares at the camera-man.
TP: What the HELL, mang?!
CAMERA-MAN: Uhhh, sorry... that's my fault. I brought this camera from home...
TP: Maaaaaaaan, brought it from home?! I knew this place was a joke when I saw they were using hand-helds in the production studio, but you're telling me you had to bring the thing from home?! PUH!! And what in the name of Maurice Clarett are you doing fluffin' with the buttons like that anyway, we're in the middle of something here, you JACKHOLE! I paid for this spot out of my own pocket, Jackson... and that makes ME the boss! It's MY shot, MY studio, and MY camera!! That being the case, when you handle MY UNIT, you handle it like you'd handle your own!
CAMERA-MAN: Excuse me?!
TP: Fix the problem, ASS!!!
CAMERA-MAN: Uhhh, sorry Mr. Savoy, sir... we'll have this fixed up in no time...
Suddenly, the screen goes blue.
TP: Egads, man! Now I've disappeared altogether!! Seriously, this is what you call the BIG TIME, Wind-HAM?!
After the tweaking of some buttons, the Phenom reappears on screen, turned from the camera, ass-up, and hunched over to pick up his microphone, which fell in the confusion. After picking it up and reapplying it, he collects himself, runs a hand through his flowing blonde locks, then turns back to the shot.
TP: NOW, as I was saying, I'm here to educate you, Troy-Boy. Lesson Numero Uno - ALPHABET SOUP!!!
The Phenom pulls a pointer at of his pants and slaps it against the refrigerator.
TP: Here we have the CSWA... I'm not sure what exactly it means at this point, but considering your Mr. CSWA handle... and after hearing you rant and rave about your history with the promotion, I'm guessin' you think it means "Chad Says I'll Win it All". Hell, if the shoe fits, right? But that simply won't do... so maybe we should change things up a bit. Let's see here...
He steps in front of the fridge, moves some things around, then steps back to the side. Having removed the 'C' and rearranged the other magnets, the letters 'S-A-W' remained.
TP: Worst... movie... ever.
The Phenom returns the C, jumbles things around a bit, and this time, the letters 'C-A-W-S' are left.
TP: CAWS... well, what can I say about this one. I have a really good Randy Savage CAW for Smackdown 5, but now's not the time or place, so....
Savoy steps before the refrigerator for a third time, however, this time he frantically moves several letters about, finally settling on 'T-P-G-K-Y-A-S-B-Y-O-W-F-I'.
TP: TPGKYASBYOWFI!!! This one means the Phenom's gonna kick your ass sooooooo BAD, your orthodontist will feel it! Highly appropriate considering the circumstances, don't-chu think? I mean here you are, spittin' your rhetoric about how you're gonna win this tournament and take home the strap because of your history?! Because you DESERVE IT?! PSHAW!! The Chicago Bulls have a nice history with their 6 titles, and I'm sure they deserved another shot... did THEY win another title?! Of course, if one were high... or just plain stupid, one could argue that Gordon and Co. have an outside shot at the crown this year, but until this season, they were counting ping-pong balls every summer for 7 years. If that's the criteria for deserving competitors with a history of winning returning to prominence, I think I'll take my chances. That being said, allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your title victory in... 2004?!
The Phenom shakes his head in disgust.
TP: Tell ya what, Boy Troy... why don't we pull the plug on these little games and I'll kick it to ya in terms you can understand..
He smacks most of the magnets off of the fridge, then places the nubmers '1-2-3' at the forefront.
TP; That's it, Sally. That says it all. I hit you, you hit the canvas, the ref hits the 1-2-3, and I'm hittin' a nice piece of your brother's niece from behind in the back of my car after the show. That's the truth, bub... and sometimes... the truth hurts. The PHENOM... has left.. the BUILDING!!