MILES in St. Louis

[jediPREZ]

(FADEIN: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES is standing outside the Anheuser-Busch brewery in St. Louis, Missouri. MILES is decked out in a sleeveless white fur coat, no shirt, black leather pants, no shoes, yellow tinted Oakleys and a Newport dangling from his lip...passerbys doing a little double-take as they notice him...)

MILES: "Recently, I heard that nine out of ten tag teams in the CSWA resort to alcoholism to alleviate the excruciating migraines experienced during a Simply Stunning promo. So, if you're wondering why I'm out here in front of the Budweiser plant, it's just me getting ready for what could be the worst days of my life. Not only do I have to hear Simon and Garfunkel do their Ambiguously Gay promos, but I also have to watch the never-ending saga between Tom Adler and the Rednecks. Add that in with Prozac free Jimmy V and TSUUUUUUUUUNAMI! (MILES takes a deep drag) Well, you can't blame me for trying to dull my senses. Now, Simply Stunning certainly has talked tough for a couple of flaming homos - but lets face the facts 'ya queers. This ain't Frisco or London. This is SAINT LOUIE. The place CHUCK BERRY - famous guitarist and female child molester made his name. The city of watered-down, piss colored alcohol and loud guitars. This ain't no place for two queers dressin' up in pink spandex to go around challenging people to prove their manhood. Boys, you'll be lucky if you survive the first ten minutes, if you don't get skinned alive by the locals on your way. As for Raw Deal, Jesse and Daisy - well, it ain't the first time we've been in this situation. And it's all good, lets face it - nothin' gets me more excited than making a couple of stupid rednecks bleed like a stuck pig. Of course, something I love more is getting back at a couple of talentless hacks that sent me to the hospital. (in mocking hick accent) Now doncha worry Billy Bobs - I'll make sure they still can send 'ya bacon grease through 'da straws. (MILES takes another drag) And how about Jimmy V and the NEW Suicide Squad. Besides being some good promo material, I wouldn't really consider you guys much else. I mean if you can't even handle 'I lost my smile' Aho and 'Anybody seen my cousin' Southern, do you really think you stand a chance of lasting with THE PROFESSIONALS? Well, time to heal the pain..."

(FTB as MILES walks into the plant)

 

[TWhitefield]

Head Injury Still Apparent

WJM: You know, Craig, we could sit out here and exchange quips with the tag champs or the Suicide Squad. But we're not gonna bother.

RJM: See, we figure that Simply Stunning has a built in excuse to run us down since they haven't been in this sport long enough to know a whole hell of a lot about anything. And, as for the Suicide Squad, if they can't see fit to answer our challenge for two straight cards, then they ain't worth us spending a lot of time on.

WJM: But you, Miles, you don't get off so easy. See... maybe we dented your head a little too much with that chair... or maybe you were never all that bright to begin with, I dunno... but you we expect to know better. And, truth be told, I think you do.

RJM: Oh, you can come out here and cut your cute little promo... trying to paint us as a couple of hacks...

WJM: And how two college atheletes from Pittsburgh ever got to be immitated as a couple of podunks from Alabama is beyond me... but, I guess when you're as inbred as Miles, ya think everybody is the same.

RJM: ... but, Miles, you've been around long enough to know where we've been and what we've done in this sport. We were out winning World Titles while you were still running around with that priss you had as a partner. And, as for Mayfield... well, maybe he runs fast enough to qualify for the Olympic track team... but he still ain't done near enough to meet the level of s<bleep>t he talks.

WJM: Maybe that's why you dragged your ass out from behind your desk down the street and came here, where, let's be honest, the tag team competition wasn't exactly at it's peak. Figuring you could get your scrawny little asses over without actually having to beat anybody.

RJM: Nevermind the fact that you spent a month tryin' to sign our "Hack" selves to a contract... we're not niave enough to think that woulda meant jack s<bleep>t around here if there'd been aybody else worth talkin' about to put in the <bleep>n match.

WJM: Well, the good news for most of the rest of the teams in this match is that we didn't come here expecting a title shot right out of the gate. So, while we'll take it, winning those straps isn't exactly formost on our minds.

RJM: The bad news is that we've ALREADY started doing what we DID come here to do... and that's send somebody's over-rated ass to the hospital.

WJM: Think about that when you chug down that can of liquid courage and decide how safe you really feel in that cage.


Raw Deal

 

[Calamity Jon]

(FADEIN to BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS and "IRON JOHN" WAITS in their full trapper regalia, hauling a sled packed full of supplies and topped with a canoe and oars behind them, in front of a bluescreen backdrop playing a generic 1960's shot of a highway.)

John: "HO HO there, yeoman Craig Miles! WAIT! Don't be scared of us, we are only TRUE MASCULINE MEN, the FIRST you might have EVER SEEN. I can imagine our burliness and brash machismo must startle and even a-fear ya, but SETTLE DOWN MAN!" (spelling it out very slow-ly) "We-are-NOT-here-to-hurt-you!"

Tom: "Ho HO! Surely not, in fact, despite our general distaste for finger-in-the-air ponces and delicate cocktail sippers like YOU AND EVERYONE YOU KNOW, we are here only to ask directions!"

John: "Yes, this Chuck Berry fellow you mention. He sounds like ... an interesting fellow."

Tom: "HE KNOWS HOW TO PAR-TAY! WOOOOOO! SPRING BREAK!"

John: "Verily! Any idea where he-?"

Tom (interrupting): "John! Avast! BEAR ATTACK!"

(CUTTO: stock footage of a snarling grizzly bear lunging at a camera, then CUTTO: John and Tom fighting with oars against a taxidermized bear waved at them from off camera SFX: Growling noises)

John: "Haha, IS THIS THE WORST ST LOUIS HAS TO OFFER!?"

Tom: "He's offended that we compared his balls to the Cardinals!"

John: "BEARS ARE SO (BLEEP)ING SENSITIVE!! FAREWELL AND SEE YOU SOON, CSWA! First, we'll skin and jerk this bear, then we're back to SKIN AND JERK THE TAG TEAM DIVISION!"

Tom: "... I'm somewhat sure you shouldn't have phrased it like that, John."

John: "Or SHOULD I? Ho HO!"

Tom: "HO!"

(FTB fighting bears, singing "Adventurrrrrre, men of adventurrrrre....")