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Miles on Cream of the Crap


Jan 1, 1970
(FADEIN: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES standing in front of an Intruder backdrop...named BANDIT. MILES is wearing his trademark yellow-tinted Oakleys, an unbuttoned Hawaiian Shirt, black leather pants and two sparkling UNIFIED World Tag Team Championships over his shoulders. Behind him the backdrop named BANDIT - well, you can't see his head 'cause he's too damn tall to fit in the picture. Otherwise, he's dressed up in his trademark 'Secret Service' Biker gear.)

MILES: "It's Showtime and it (pretending to see unimaginable beauty) looks GLLLLLLLORIOUS."

(BANDIT's massive arms raise and cross above MILES' head. MILES laughs at whatever joke he made to himself, turns around and slings one title up onto BANDIT...well, we think it's on his shoulder, but its out of the picture. MILES pulls out a smoke and lights it as he turns around.)

MILES: "Now Cameron Cruise, who for all I know is still hearing Hornet's theme song in his head at night...he has a date with the devil. Ryp Fandango, an obvious by-product of WB's Mullet Revolution ALSO has a date with the devil. See, unfortunately our friends "the HEATLESS Twins"...well, they thought they could steal some off Craigers over here. What do you think of that big man?"

(BANDIT'S probably nodding in disapproval, we don't know...)

"Yeah, that's what I thought. It just isn't right. See, there's a big 'ol problem with these bricks the CSWA has laid their foundation on. The ones in the middle just don't stick together. Either the pressure from up top, or from the ones stuck down below that don't like where they are. So, they crumble. They fall apart. The CSWA tries to put it all back together again and the cycle repeats itself. And sometimes they try and make the middle ones happy by mixing them up with the obvious top ones."

(MILES blows out a smoke ring)

"The fact is boys, you don't deserve to be a brick in ANY foundation in the first place. You both are your basic Taco Bell Meximelt. Alot of crap that gets mixed together, gets HEATED up artificially and gives you the (BLEEP!) afterwards. But if you don't like this logic, I can go this way. (MILES smiles) You know what this match is? Tell 'em big man."

BANDIT (V/O): "Killing two birds with ONE stone."

MILES: "That's right. You two think it was easy (pats his title belt) to get this? You two think that all I did was walk around and chairshot someone from behind and they gave this to me? You think me and Eddie Mayfield just teamed together for ONE night? No, me and Eddie had to wrestle two sniveling PUS(BLEEP!) FAIRIES over and over again 'cause they just weren't MEN enough to beat us in a ring on their own TALENT. I got Tazered, I got the loaded boot double dropkick from two geriatrics of all people."

(MILES scowls at the camera, in obvious disgust)

"No, gentlemen. Me and Eddie Mayfield BLED for these titles. Me and Eddie Mayfield OUTHUSTLED, OUTSMARTED and OUTWRESTED EVERY tag team to the point that there ISN'T a division anymore. We DOMINATED so bad everyone went crying HOME."

(MILES takes a deep breath, then a deep drag and exhales high up into the air. BANDIT coughs)

MILES: "That's alright though. You two got some at my expense, congratulations. You're a big HERO, Ryp. You're all business, Cam. You're both lookin' good."

(MILES flicks his cigarette to the ground)

MILES: "So maybe its time you both got ELEVATED. (MILES smiles devishly) Maybe it's time you found how HIGH you can do in this world. After all, it's SHOWTIME and its gonna be GLORIOUS."


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