ME: So here we are, fast approaching the BIGGEST night of the YEAR, WRESTLESTOCK NIGHT TWO!! Where the best and brightest in the wrestlin’ business embarrass the rest. Ferget abou’ A One E, or WFW, or NAPW, or XYZ semi-colon PQR, because on THIS NIGHT, the world gets to witness the SPECTACLE OF AGES, a ONCE IN A LIFETIME event!
No, I ain’t talkin’ abou’ ME
Showin’ the rest of the industry how to be ENTERTAINING! You can check that ou’ each an’ every RAUCOUS, an’ at the upcomin’ Pay Per View, BANNED IN THE US. No, ya’ll are gettin’ ta see the finest collection of talent EVER AMASSED!
An’ some losers from Empire Pro I think. But enough abou’ them, they’re the minor leagues, we all know that. Why else would their world championship, the Soap Opera Title, be closin’ the warm-up night?
Because they all know it ain’t abou’ the EPW World Title, or even Johnny Boy Marx’s second tier strap.
It’s about this [he slaps the belt around his waist]… the World Heavyweight Actually Defended Actually Held TV Title, which I won by defeatin’ Johnny Boy on RAUCOUS. An’ now, some jacked up computer junkie is gonna come an’ try ta take it?
PUH-LEASE! The guy did good in the Dupree Cup, when I was coachin’ him in the back, but honestly, he’s in waaaaay over his head. ESPECIALLY when he decided ta try an’ disrespect the greatest champion in wrestling history, ME
First he pulls some schtick where he hi-jacked the PA system, an’ then he had the gall ta not bow down ta ME
The WHADAHTT Champion as I walk down the hallway.
Yeah, he’s an impressive sight – he makes a great impression in the middle of the ring when he’s slammed inta it. He’s a joke, an eye-sore – he likes ta talk abou’ how great he is, comparin’ himself ta the computers of today, or the top games console or whatever…
But it ain’t about power or graphics. What are you thinking, Dave? Is your mind goin’, Dave? Hell, look at the video games out today - BO-RING, MIND-LESS wastes of space! All flash an’ no substance! Heck, people get more kicks outta the damn zed ex spectrum or the ol’ Acorn!
An’ what games sell? Sonic. Mario. Final Fantasy. Games tha’ ain’t about flash. They work hard ta provide people with decent ENTERTAINMENT.
They’re also what people know. Because ENTERTAINMENT has that air of comfort – people like surprises, but they feel safe. An’ you? They don’t feel safe thinkin’ abou’ you as the ON TV champion. In fact, if you were to EVER win the title, it’d go back ta bein’ the Never On TV title.
The NO TV title. Not even through yer PC.
So, Dave… let’s face facts. Ya ain’t gonna be walkin’ out with the title. Enough said. The only thing you’ve EVER said that was any good was chewin’ out Rabore an’ Suckmon.
BUT… I’m gonna humour ya. I asked the judges if there was ANY chance ya might one day be able ta challenge fer the WHADAHTT Championship, an’ the verdict?
Judges:[piped in] NEVER!
ME: So, Dave… enjoy goin’ back on RAPTURE. Or maybe over ta Aggression or Onslaught. Because RAUCOUS is only fer the big boys.
(FADEIN to the same basement we've seen many times, where Harold A. Lumbourgh is sitting in front of the computer, playing World of Warcraft. He seems to be muttering to himself before he stands up and stares at the ring in disgust and turns to the camera. Cheetos cover his Atari t-shirt and his sweatpants have clearly seen their better share of milkshakes and microwave meals.[/i])
HAL: "Oh... surely you jest. Mr. Entertainment.
"Now, perhaps this is a little over your head, pal, but there is NOT a directly proportional relationship between the entertainment of someone and the number of times they actually use the word entertainment.
"In fact, it may even be inversely proportional. I'm sorry, I'll slow that down.
"It means you, as usual, have no idea what you're talking about.
"Of course, let's not act all surprised about this, Mr. Entertainment. I mean, you sat there and talked about what video games people like and mentioned Sonic the Hedgehog?
"Y'know, it's not 1992 anymore, Mr. Entertainment. Put down the Hall and Oates. Step away from the hair gel and cocaine, please.
"Here in the WORLD OF TOMORROW, we have fancy computer machines with fancy 3D images and fancy complex gameplay which I very much doubt that your primitive mind would be capable of comprehending.
"No, the mouse doesn't squeak when you touch it.
"But fear not, my dimwitted friend.
"I have plan for you.
"First, I'm doing to mercilessly trick you into giving me your title. Perhaps I'll throw a ball of yarn on the mat and you'll pin yourself. We shall see.
"Then, I will take your clever No TV Title, and I'll turn it into the first ever Interweb Heavyweight Title.
"You must have CAT5 to get on this ride, Mr. Entertainment. And I'm thinking you've got some badly crossed pairs, here... this can't support a T1, you insane freak.
"Now, let's face it. I haven't exactly been up to snuff.
"Maybe my rogue DIDN'T need the Cloak of the Inciter. Maybe he did. Who knows.
"For this, I apologize. I apologize for letting little kids like Mr. Entertainment sit and rot their sad little brains away in front of the television, trying to put their hands into the TV to eat the burgers on it.. I'm sorry.
"I can't teach your children. I can't wire your home. And I will NOT FIX YOUR COMPUTER. It's not my fault you fell for that, "Your computer is unclean" pop-up and NOW you've got some REAL problems.
"I'm not YOUR IT guy, Mr. Entertainment.
"And there's a reason I skipped you on the patch panel when I rewired the place with gigabit switches.
"I knew that no matter how many times you actually said the word entertainment, you still couldn't plug the jack into the wall.
"Which is what makes this so sad, you see.
"I'm not about to pwn some leet foo.
"It's like stealing candy from a baby.
"Who suffered from down syndrome.
"Who only knows one word.
"Sadly, the baby didn't know what it meant. It was a great tragedy, and nobody cried.
"Because nobody feels sorry for a guy who only knows how to say his own name. I mean what.. you've got to be 12 or so now?
"Nevermind, man. I'll see you at WrestleSTOCK for what will surely be a deleterious event.
[FADE IN… to TRON? Or at least a very good digital facsimile, with ones and zeros flying past in streams – they seem to be converging somewhere. Let’s walk through the digital quagmire, straight past the endless seas of information and useless HAL promos, and see where they’re going, shall we? As you walk, mind your step – some guy’s probably watching something that’s not exactly PG-13; it’s what the internet is for. According to monsters in WoW anyways.
Finally, we reach the destination – fans of .hack// might recognise it as Net Slum, or the area which became the Omega server’s root town. In the middle of the digital squalor sits the Chaos Gate – a gate that’ll let you warp anywhere on the server. The data stream seems to be focused just in front of it…
Wait for it…
What the?!? Mr Entertainment, you’ve got some explaining to do!!
CUTTO: A nearby rooftop in Net Slum, where we see a digital version of the man himself, the WHADAHTT Champion, the man who provides more ENTERTAINMENT by breathing than anyone else… ]
ME: Lolcats. See what ya’ve reduced me ta, Dave? All ya attempts at technobabble an’ tryin’ ta use long words ya don’t even know the meaning of has me using Lolcats an’ talkin’ ta a guy who’s only match in pro-wrestlin’ was beatin’ a jobber. Kudos goes to Otaku fer lettin’ me use his computer generated copy o’ Net Slum, by the way.
Or BTW fer Dave. But he’s off in some heterotopia right now creamin’ over high def graphics.
That’s ‘other place’ fer ya, European Region Coding. He who thinks I don’t know when ya say somethin’s gonna have a negative effect because he looked up on dictionary dot com or somethin’.
I’ll give ya points fer using deleterious in context though. Haven’t heard that one since I was… ooooh… eight years old an’ a dictionary sales-man came round the house.
Seriously though, Dave – who probably doesn’t even get the reference – what planet are ya livin’ on? Yeah, I mentioned Sonic the Hedgehog… because… breath a second…
It was an ENTERTAINING game.
Yeah, we’ve got three dimensional graphics these days, but seriously – look away from the world of Final Fantasy, away from the Japanese, an’ what’ve we got that’s half as good as the game-play of the ol’ classics? Why does Tetris keep makin’ comebacks? Or Mario, or Sonic, or the original Zelda games on the ol’ Gameboy?
Because those games had somethin’ else. Today, like you, it’s all flash an’ no substance. No challenge, no fun, nadda. They don’t even have grippin’, twistin’ storylines any more! Those seemed ta DIE pretty much after the Saturn went KAPUT.
But you seem ta think more powerful an’ better graphics means automatically… wait… lemme slow that down fer ya.
You think that the more bells an’ whistles ya add on, that instantaneously…
No… wait… another multi-syllable word. Damn it! Where’s digital Proppet when ya need him?
[Just then, warping in… it’s Proppet!! YAY!!!]
Proppet: I ARE TEH GREETEST!!
ME: No, Proppet. You ain’t.
Proppet: I are not teh greetest? Proppet is like picture.
[Proppet points down to the warp gate, where we see another picture has formed]
ME: O…k… but can ya explain somethin’ before the giant foot squashes ya?
Proppet: Proppet are can be try. Nine thousand person thinks that bigger and flashier makes better straight away.
Proppet: I are teh greetest now?
ME: What’s that? Couldn’t quite hear ya.
Proppet: I ARE TEH GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!!
by the giant paw of Grammar Cat]
ME: Couldn’t o’ said it better myself.
Ya see, Halvin… better graphics does not make better game. What abou’ the drama? The excitement? What’s bein’ able ta save a game done? Made ‘em easier an’ guarantee tha’ within a week of release, you’ll find a brand new game already on pre-owned. Now… the graphics were crap, but that rush of excitement when ya first finished, I dunno… Alex Kidd in Miracle World? THAT was ENTERTAINMENT!
Stayin’ round a friend’s ta see if the two of ya could finish Streets of Rage or Double Dragon, from beginnin’ ta end in one sittin’?
THAT is ENTERTAINMENT.
What do we get today? Half-assed storylines, crap characters, but oooh isn’t it pretty.
I’ll take the ol’ classics over ninety five percent of today’s games, thank you very much. Because the so-called ‘complex game-play’ ya talk abou’? The puzzles were harder on Final Fantasy three. Games today are all flash, no substance. All power, no brain.
Just… like… YOU.
Maybe ya’ll can get away with havin’ a one byte brain in an eighty eight petabyte world, but ME?
I’ll do what I do best. Which is bring the razzle, the dazzle, the whole entire SHOW ta the people at home. Because there’s more ta ENTERTAINMENT than just yer video games or ya PC.
Ya see, Halman… oh, I’m sorry, you won’t get that reference either! What am I doin’, givin’ character names from books? I’ll let ya get in one free punch, how’s that?
Because that’s the ONLY way you’re gonna get ta wear the ON TV Title. If I let ya. Fer all your glitz, fer all the flash, fer all the hoo-ha surroundin’ yer arrival inta New ERA and fer all the things we saw durin’ the Dupree Cup…
Yer as worthless as the PS Three. All that flash, all that power, an’ ya bein’ outsold by the Nintendo Wii.
Yer bein’ out stripped… by a machine… which gets toilet jokes made about it. How embarrassing is that?
But then again, like Weird Al said, ya half undressed, eatin’ chips off ya chest whilst yer playin’ Halo Two. No-one’s classier than you.
But at WrestleSTOCK, it ain’t gonna be about you tryin’ ta win the title. Because you’re a joke. You’ve had ONE good message since ya got here, an’ that was by stealin’ the whole Santa’s Beard bit I did.
Yer over-priced, over-hyped, an’ at the end of the day… utterly useless. Because there are better forms of ENTERTAINMENT out there. Forms that are fun. Forms that educate, that make people think about social norms, or whatever. Forms with stories that captivate, that move, that entice, tease, an’ finally leave you with a sense of fulfilment.
What you do? No fulfilment. No fun. No education. No thought. Just mindless, runnin’ aroun’, killin’ monsters ta get a piece of equipment ta go fight some tougher monsters.
At least Sonic had little fluffy things to rescue.
I feel sorry fer ya, I really do. Ya little one byte memory, against the yottabyte ENTERTAINER that is ME.
Sucks to be you.
[WARP OUT… back to reality (oops there goes gravity), as we see Mr Entertainment sitting in front of a computer monitor, watching the scene]
ME: Now THAT’S…
--------- OoC: Pictures, I think I found them on icanhascheezburger.com. Or on facebook.
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