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No Vaseline


Pressure Chief
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN: To 'Hot Property' EDDIE MAYFIELD, sitting on the front porch of a nice-sized home, surrounded by land, in Seattle, Washington. EDDIE is wearing a black t-shirt with no logo, jeans, and no shoes, leaning back in a chair and taking some leisurely drags off of an everpresent Camel cigarette. It's raining hard, rain pouring off the sides of the house in buckets. Suddenly, we hear a crash from inside the house, and the door swings open, to reveal 'Cocky' CRAIG MILES, holding a screwdriver, and waving his free hand like he just got shocked!)

MILES: (blowing on his hand) "I just got frigging SHOCKED."

MAYFIELD: (Looking somewhere else) "So . . . at this point you would call an alarm specialist, right?"

MILES: "F(BLEEP!)k that. I'll put this sh(BLEEP!) in myself. We ain't having any more of what happened before, happenin' again, and I don't trust any of those 9 to 5 idiots with my passcode. I'll call it in myself."

MAYFIELD: "Cool cool... So since you're here, you can hang out while I bust out a hot promo for this idiot cameraman. (MILES looks at the camera in disgust, and stomps back into the house) Suit yourself, bro. Ok, you cameramonkey, let's do this... 3...2...1... OK."

"So, here we are, weeks after that bullsh(BLEEP!) card, and the Pros are still sitting here without current gold around our waists. Was it because we got outwrestled? Nah. Was it because we got out thought? Nah, not that either. It'd be too easy to come out here and whine about people screwing me, but then I'd just sound like that broken record Tom Adler, moaning about the past, and how he can't get over it. What I think ... wait, what I KNOW happened, is that SOMEBODY up there wants more for Eddie Mayfield. They want more for Cocky Craig. They want MORE juice on the loose in CSWA than what they're given. You see, Craig over there is a little pissed off. Why? Because we lost ANOTHER match here in this sinkhole you call a 'GLOBAL' federation? Naw, it's because that two selfish hacks called Simply Stunning are hellbent on making each and every one of you hardworking CSWA fans quit watching the sport from their lackluster appeal and piss-poor product. So, in any situation where the fans are being held hostage by shoddy micspots and subpar ability, then guess what - (Eyes light up) WE'RE THE FACES! And yes, just in case you were wondering - the terrorists do, indeed, win."

"Now what the hell does this have to do with anything? Well, when I'm playing the babyface, I need to come out here and fight the good fight against natural sedatives like Simply Stunning, and even - GASP! - Our esteemed leader, the flagbearer for this piece of crap promotion, The man that I get to show up at PRIMETIME in Oklahoma City, Evan 'Huh? I fell asleep cutting my OWN promos' Aho. Yasee, Scrappy, somebody thought it was the right thing to do by putting The one man SWAT team, the Final Option, The Cats' Meow and of course - Heh, MUST-SEE TV, Hot Property Eddie Mayfield, against your lame-duck ass. Some may see this match as a thing to come, as you look at what a REAL CHAMPION should look like. (Flicks his camel into the rain and blows a line of smoke out the corner of his mouth) Nah, I ain't all cut up and JACKED like the big men - nah, I ain't some genie-pantsed daredevil, doing 900-degree, twisty Tony Hawk Splashes. I'm not the voice of polish america, I'm the FREAKING MAN, I'm Eddie Mayfield, and belt or no belt - none of you are as over as me. ESPECIALLY Evan 'Yo, who's got the belt in CSWA right now? Evan Who? Aw, f(BLEEP) it - what else is on?' Aho.

"See, Eddie Mayfield is fearless, and I'm cocky, and bullheaded, and a d(BLEEP)head, and I slap little girls when they try and cut line in front of me when I'm at the Dairy Queen - but nobody ever called me a liar. (Smirks) and when I say this, Evan "You can hear my thoughts out loud when my mouth is closed' Aho, even if you fancy yourself some sort of top notch ventriloquist, throwing your voice and sh(BLEEP!) every promo, that ain't impressing the dog, here. If you believe that facing Eddie Mayfield is gonna be like facing that white kid with the Greg Brady Jherri Curl and a sequined glove - you're sorely mistaken. Because even if the CSWA invented 'rough-rider, bend you over the couch with no kiss first' style-screwbooking, It's gonna take more than a piss-poor dropkick to pin me. It's gonna take more than your 7 fans to make me shake in my patent-leather F451 boots. It's gonna take more than all the voices in your head, Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy and even Lambchop the freaking knit sockpuppet to try and stop Hot Property.

See, at PRIMETIME in Oklahoma City, the CSWA gets to see what makes Eddie Mayfield a PROFESSIONAL. You've seen the PRO catalog - you've peeped my stats. You've copped for the 'Best of Eddie Micspots' Highspots.com and RF tapes. You even got my Wrestling Rookie Card up in the spokes of the wheel of your bike. But what YOU'RE gonna see, Evan 'I think I finally bit off more than I could chew, and it hurts when I swallow' Aho, is what all of those people in the cheapseats know, and it's catching on like WILDFIRE in Colorado - that the FUTURE is lovely, baby - and it's all about ME, and you ain't gonna be nothing but a footnote in the PWI Almanac after the Reign of Eddie is done with. You think you can hold on to that belt long enough to put it up against me? Don't really matter - because either way, belt or no belt - Brah? Heh - YOU'RE GONNA GET SMOKED AT PRIMETIME. And Merritt and the rest of your monkeys? If you're gonna try and screw the PEE-ARE-OHs this time, at least leave a mint on our pillows when you're done."


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