Nova
Just Like Law-Jesus
(FADE IN: The pines remain defiantly and resolutely green.) Through their water-weighted boughs we see the Lakeside Cabin the Wilderness, the source of a non-stop decadent display of debauchery dating back literally from the moment the Eagle Star won the ULTRATITLE in…uh, that time then. The sky is dark and rain drizzles gloomily on the crowd gathered outside the cabin’s front steps, milling about mutinously. Up on the deck of the second floor, standing in front of the dulled majesties of the ULTRATITLE and Harvard Avalon Memorial trophies, is the LEE-BABY SIMS-proclaimed Star-Screaming, Mushroom-Eating King of the Hallucination Nation, NOVA, doing his damndest to inspire the troops, mostly by waving his arms in the air like a madman.
He is drunk.
And maybe rolling.
NOVA: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, GUYS?! You’re all acting like a…like a…like a positive-energy vacuum, just sucking the life out of these hallowed grounds! Who’s kickin’ the jams, huh? If I wanted to do a keg stand RIGHT NOW, who would be holding my legs up? Huh?!
YOUNG PARTYGOER: (Stepping forward) We’re cold, man. We’re soaked. It’s f*ckin’ November. We’ve been partying for, like, almost half a year. I hope someone’s been feeding my dog! (Looking around wild-eyed) MAX! HOLD ON, MAXIE!!
He takes off into the woods.
NOVA: (Pointing a finger after him) Someone go after Bill. Now, guys. GUYS. I thought we had something special going on here! I was winning lots of sh*t, and you guys were just kickin’ it Old Sk00l all over like some wild, drugged out horny cult or something. I f*ckin’ DUG it, man!
DISSENTER IN THE RANKS: (Distant) But why are we partying, man? It’s been months since you’ve done anything!
NOVA: HEY! COME ON! (Boastfully slapping the TEAM Championship of Champions with both hands in the ‘red-belly’ technique) I’ve been hotter than Satan’s beer-sh*ts since ’06, BABY!
FRESH-FACED YOUTH: But it’s November! What about school? If I don’t get good grades, I won’t be able to land a gig at Daddy’s law firm! HOW AM I GONNA GET GOOD GRADES WHEN I’VE BEEN CANDY-FLIPPING FOR FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS?!
NOVA: Good question, Greg. But more importantly…who’s the greatest beer-pong team of ALL TIME?
NOVA & GREG: (Raising fists) HONG-PONG PURORESU PADDLE MASTERS!! THE POWER OF TWO…IS THE POWER OF ONE! (NOVA: Great slogan on the end there, Greg…)
One of the others holds an arm out over Greg, pushing his fist down.
DISSENTER: No, Greg, stay strong. (Turning to Nova) We’re leaving! Party’s over!
NOVA: Oh yeah? FINE! LEAVE! But do something for me before you go…LICK! MY! No, actually, you know what, I’ll show you what you need to lick, you worthless leeching sacks of sh*t…
Nova awkwardly shuffles around, unbuttoning his pants and moments from shucking them and exposing his bleached ass to the masses, when…
VOICE: HEY!!
Everyone turns to see the HYPERSPACE KID climb off the back of a corpulent woman’s Harley. He slaps her on the ass and she peels out onto the forest trail, her hog belching black smoke in the process. The crowd parts out of deference to the Kid, who waves a thin stack of papers in his hand.
HYPERSPACE KID: YO EAGLE STAR! I signed us up for the Tag Invitational tournament!
DISSENTER: (Eyes wide as he looks around at his peers) TAG TITLES?! PARTY ON!!
The crowd explodes as bottles of champagne pop off at random. AC/DC’s “Have a Drink on Me” is piped out through speakers on the side of the cabin, and the angry mob dissolves into a dance party. Meanwhile, Nova’s knuckles are white as he grips the rail of the deck. It gives way without warning, and Nova soundlessly plummets before bouncing off the wet earth of the ‘front yard,’ as it were, with a loud grunt. He no-sells it, climbing to his feet and brushing some of the mud off of his favorite bathrobe before limping over to the Kid.
NOVA: (Whispering) Dude! Why the hell did you sign us up for that?
HYPERSPACE KID: Uh-oh. I thought somebody might be irritable…
NOVA: I’m not irritable.
HYPERSPACE KID: (Removing a blunt from his ‘fro) Why don’t we go upstairs and talk about it?
(CUT TO: The deck of the lake cabin.) Nova lounges in a deck chair, head lolled back as his eyes follow the path of the newly-visible afternoon sun on its way down. He directs his gaze on the Kid.
NOVA: I…I’m still not sure about this.
HYPERSPACE KID: (Passing the blunt) What’s there to be unsure about? Have I dicked you over in the past?
NOVA: No.
HYPERSPACE KID: Did we defeat a cult devoted the worship of sentient dildos from the future in their quest to take over the world?
NOVA: Yes.
HYPERSPACE KID: I rest my case.
NOVA: Listen…I just don’t wanna diversify too much. My eyes – if a little glassy – are still fixed on the World Heavyweight title…even if my shot is basically on the auction block. F*ckin’ Miles…
HYPERSPACE KID: Hey, what are you gonna do?
The Eagle Star hands the blunt back over as smoke shoots of his nose. He stares off into nothingness, his arms rubbing one another for warmth.
NOVA: I’m gonna do something. (Raising a forty of Olde English to his lips)…something to make Miles feel as helpless as I do. Something…inconvenient.
In the background, sounds of glass shattering are accompanied by raucous cheers.
(FTB)
He is drunk.
And maybe rolling.
NOVA: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, GUYS?! You’re all acting like a…like a…like a positive-energy vacuum, just sucking the life out of these hallowed grounds! Who’s kickin’ the jams, huh? If I wanted to do a keg stand RIGHT NOW, who would be holding my legs up? Huh?!
YOUNG PARTYGOER: (Stepping forward) We’re cold, man. We’re soaked. It’s f*ckin’ November. We’ve been partying for, like, almost half a year. I hope someone’s been feeding my dog! (Looking around wild-eyed) MAX! HOLD ON, MAXIE!!
He takes off into the woods.
NOVA: (Pointing a finger after him) Someone go after Bill. Now, guys. GUYS. I thought we had something special going on here! I was winning lots of sh*t, and you guys were just kickin’ it Old Sk00l all over like some wild, drugged out horny cult or something. I f*ckin’ DUG it, man!
DISSENTER IN THE RANKS: (Distant) But why are we partying, man? It’s been months since you’ve done anything!
NOVA: HEY! COME ON! (Boastfully slapping the TEAM Championship of Champions with both hands in the ‘red-belly’ technique) I’ve been hotter than Satan’s beer-sh*ts since ’06, BABY!
FRESH-FACED YOUTH: But it’s November! What about school? If I don’t get good grades, I won’t be able to land a gig at Daddy’s law firm! HOW AM I GONNA GET GOOD GRADES WHEN I’VE BEEN CANDY-FLIPPING FOR FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS?!
NOVA: Good question, Greg. But more importantly…who’s the greatest beer-pong team of ALL TIME?
NOVA & GREG: (Raising fists) HONG-PONG PURORESU PADDLE MASTERS!! THE POWER OF TWO…IS THE POWER OF ONE! (NOVA: Great slogan on the end there, Greg…)
One of the others holds an arm out over Greg, pushing his fist down.
DISSENTER: No, Greg, stay strong. (Turning to Nova) We’re leaving! Party’s over!
NOVA: Oh yeah? FINE! LEAVE! But do something for me before you go…LICK! MY! No, actually, you know what, I’ll show you what you need to lick, you worthless leeching sacks of sh*t…
Nova awkwardly shuffles around, unbuttoning his pants and moments from shucking them and exposing his bleached ass to the masses, when…
VOICE: HEY!!
Everyone turns to see the HYPERSPACE KID climb off the back of a corpulent woman’s Harley. He slaps her on the ass and she peels out onto the forest trail, her hog belching black smoke in the process. The crowd parts out of deference to the Kid, who waves a thin stack of papers in his hand.
HYPERSPACE KID: YO EAGLE STAR! I signed us up for the Tag Invitational tournament!
DISSENTER: (Eyes wide as he looks around at his peers) TAG TITLES?! PARTY ON!!
The crowd explodes as bottles of champagne pop off at random. AC/DC’s “Have a Drink on Me” is piped out through speakers on the side of the cabin, and the angry mob dissolves into a dance party. Meanwhile, Nova’s knuckles are white as he grips the rail of the deck. It gives way without warning, and Nova soundlessly plummets before bouncing off the wet earth of the ‘front yard,’ as it were, with a loud grunt. He no-sells it, climbing to his feet and brushing some of the mud off of his favorite bathrobe before limping over to the Kid.
NOVA: (Whispering) Dude! Why the hell did you sign us up for that?
HYPERSPACE KID: Uh-oh. I thought somebody might be irritable…
NOVA: I’m not irritable.
HYPERSPACE KID: (Removing a blunt from his ‘fro) Why don’t we go upstairs and talk about it?
(CUT TO: The deck of the lake cabin.) Nova lounges in a deck chair, head lolled back as his eyes follow the path of the newly-visible afternoon sun on its way down. He directs his gaze on the Kid.
NOVA: I…I’m still not sure about this.
HYPERSPACE KID: (Passing the blunt) What’s there to be unsure about? Have I dicked you over in the past?
NOVA: No.
HYPERSPACE KID: Did we defeat a cult devoted the worship of sentient dildos from the future in their quest to take over the world?
NOVA: Yes.
HYPERSPACE KID: I rest my case.
NOVA: Listen…I just don’t wanna diversify too much. My eyes – if a little glassy – are still fixed on the World Heavyweight title…even if my shot is basically on the auction block. F*ckin’ Miles…
HYPERSPACE KID: Hey, what are you gonna do?
The Eagle Star hands the blunt back over as smoke shoots of his nose. He stares off into nothingness, his arms rubbing one another for warmth.
NOVA: I’m gonna do something. (Raising a forty of Olde English to his lips)…something to make Miles feel as helpless as I do. Something…inconvenient.
In the background, sounds of glass shattering are accompanied by raucous cheers.
(FTB)