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Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIn to the dark, cold backstage loading dock area of whatever dismal warehouse CALVANO B RUBINO and the RU'S CREW inhabit between NFW shows, where "BEHIND THA LINES" VANNI RU himself is standing in front of a dressing screen, holding a clipboard and checking his notes. Behind him, TACO, THE CHILEAN GIANT is holding two cappucinos, wearing a blazer over his loinclothed, naked belly and jabbering and grunting into a headset phone. Ru is yelling over the dressing screen to a jumble of shadowed figures...)

Ru: "Let's MOVE IT ALONG in theah, I got a photo shoot scheduled for tha new IMPROVED Ru's Crew, we got tha PUBLIC PUBLIC PUBLIC ta address, come on!"

Captain Incomparable: (From behind the dressing screen): "This isn't what I expected to spend my day labor doing. Why are we BOTHERING changing our look, anyway? We got completely overlooked for Futureshock..."

Ru: "That's the POINT, knob-goblin! Ru's Crew got OVAH-LOOKED by tha no-good, stinkin', two-faced, backstabbin' goldbrickin' no-account SONSA(BLEEP)S inna bookin' office, but we're gonna make sure they don't ovahlook us again - we're dramatically changin' ouah IMAGE! The public's gonna EAT THIS UP WIT' A SPOON!"

Captain Incomparable: "My OLD image is fine, it's ... INCOMPARABLE! Ha HA!"

Hatchet Hernandez: (From behind the dressing screen) "Hey chico, survey time: hoos boxers is these? If no one calls them, I gonna wear them chico, ey!" (Ru and Taco hurriedly discuss the boxer issue in hushed whispers - "LOLLIPOP" LILLIPUT GUILDER hops out from behind the screen, having traded in his Munchkin of Oz costume for a green and black bodysuit, festooned with flame motif. He seems very pleased with his new look)

Guilder: "NOW we're talking, I look TOTALLY badass!"

Ru: "Hold on, little guy, befoah you go bitin' off kneecaps, you gotta wear this -" (Ru produces a striped plastic mask, with which he covers Guilder's face)

Guilder: "I can't see sh(BLEEP), what good is this?"

Ru: "See, you gotta undahstand yoah MOTIVATION! You were HORRIBLY BURNED in a childhood accident which also KILLED YOAH PARENTS ..."

Guilder: "So why aren't I in a burn ward at a mental hospital?"

Captain Incomparable: (Emerges from behind the dressing screen wearing a full gold lame bodysuit, black and gold facepaint and a curly Shirley Temple wig) "This is less than Incomparable."

Ru: "That's only because the GESTALT is incomplete! Hernandez, you got yoah act togethah?"

Hernandez (emerges from behind the screen wearing parachute pants and a striped 'prisoner'-style shirt, his face and hands covered with shoe polish): "Ey chico, this burns real bad on my skeen. Survey time: Is this gonna leave a scar?"

Ru: (Ru and Taco stand back, appreciatively looking the nely decked out trio from head to toe) "PERFECT! Oh god, I'm CRYIN' inside! Yoah my VISION to a TEE! Except ... hold on, yoah all missing one thing ... heah ... (Taco hands an American flag to Ru, who hands it to Guilder). And Captain, could you ... mince a little? A little moah, like how yoah touching yoahself is perfect..."

Captain Incomparable: "I'm not touching myself, I think this cheap lame piece of crap you got me in has fleas or something in it ..."

Guilder: "Okay, I don't get it, what exactly are we doing like this?"

Ru: "Don't you get it? I'm repackaging you for tha NEW PATRIOTIC FANBASE of SPOAHTS ENTAHTAINMENT! Hold that flag HIGH, boys, yoah all now THREE GREAT AMERICANS! Captain, yoah now a perverted mime with stalker ovahtones ... Guilder, yoah now a mentally and physically scarred lunatic with the strength of ten men ... and Hernandez, what says America bettah than a break-dancing African-American ex-con? HOLD YOAH HEADS HIGH, BOYS! Ru's Crew is onna back-burner, from heah on out, yoah ... THA VAN-AMERICANS!"

Guilder: "(pause) You seriously are the world's biggest retard."

Ru: (oblivious, turning to the camera conspiratorially) "And since tha VAN-AMERICANS are ALL BRAND NEW, that ALSO means ... we'ah UNDEFEATED! UN-DE-FEATED! YEAH!"

Guilder: (offscreen) "I quit, seriously this time, I have my pride."

(SFX: The flagpole clatters as Guilder drops it to the floor, Ru lost in his devious new plan. SFX: Shutter-clicks as the scene cuts to several staged photos of the VAN-AMERICANS - one where they march holding fife and drum ... another where they are arrayed around a Thanksgiving dinner with Ru, Taco and Power Master, a la the old Norman Rockwell painting ... And the final shot where all of Ru's menagerie are, in Iwo Jima style, posting an American flag while silhouetted against a glorious sunset ... FTB)

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