Purity
"I could have been someone" - Little Jimmy Urine
(MWG, in a vinyl neon red skirt and WFW: "Felix Red doesn't exist" girly tank top, black lipstick and eyeshadow, and pink stiletto heels is sitting on the floor next to the toilet talking on his cellphone...)
"The American Idol"
"The hardcore legend"
Oh, just settle down, Ashley...I know...I know it's hard, but I promise you, Marry Kate's a trooper, girl. She'll make it through this. Look, I've gone twice as long as she did eating nothing but maybe an orange once every three days or so, and I'm fine....Oh, so what? Drugs only make you think you aren't hungry. They're certainly not a substitute. I was probably sicker than she was, and If I could survive all that, Marry Kate can survive this......Oh, I'm flattered you think I'm so tough, but child stars are just as hardass as wrestlers. More so. Gary Coleman’s a f(bleep)king animal...
You need to look on the bright side. You only just made what, 30 million dollars by turning 18, which also means you can have any man, and I mean ANY man you want now? And New York Minute did okay at the box office, right?....Well, no, I didn't see it. I meant to. I know someone who did, though....Um...His name was Bob? He said it was good. I'm sure it
actually outgrossed Fahrenheit 911 last weekend. The vast liberal media conspiracy is just reporting it's agenda, y'know?.....Oh, Ashley, hun, pleez, stop crying....No, No, Marry Kate is NOT going to starve herself to death, and it ISN'T going to end your career. Oh my gawd, how can you be so pessimistic?... Things aren't all gloom and doom. Nice things happen all the time. Like how we met?
Remember? The MTV movie awards? They gave the GLCW most unorthodox wrestler of the year award to 50 Cent, then I found out Davey Havok really was straight, so I started crying, so you and Marry Kate were so consoling and sweet, and I was happy again! So you'll be happy again. I'm sure of it.
Look...please, darling, listen?...It tortures me to have to be the one to break this to you, but Marry Kate's little brush with madness and self destruction is probably one of things that's going to rescue you two little vixens from a future, when you're middle aged, and you have to look back, and think "Ohmigawd, I peaked at 10?" I have the same problem with my wrestling career. That's why I'm risking jail with this dildo on a pole match thing.....Oh, you didn't hear? Basically, I'm going to f(bleep)k Beau Michaels and Peter File on live TV. No censors or nuthin. With kiddies watching. And the FCC is probably going to castrate me afterwards.....Well, of course....I mean, if that's all I cared about, then I'd already be in his hotel room with his dick poking around in my large intestine. And that would be great for what it's worth. But I'm older now, y’know, mature? I want more in a relationship.
Sure, your sister's terrified of food, but she's on the cover of People for it. All I'm going to do is have kinky three way sex, but for a day or so afterwards, I'm going to be the most famous important person in the world.
It doesn't matter what I do. The only thing that matters is how many people watch me do it...hee hee. Yeah, I said “do it.”
Oh, it's awesome to hear you laughing hun. Listen, why don't you come over? We can watch on demand Anime together....Well, technically, no, I'm not gay, but I promise to be a perfect gentleman....Seriously. I'm not....I mean it. I'm not even going to cop out and call myself Bi.
I'm ultrasexual......and I have lots of vikodin.
....sure, sweetie. Of course you can call me Uncle Jesse.
