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PRIDE before the fall ...

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to an exterior shot in the bright midday sun, HELLMACHINE members CALAMITY and "BIG IN JAPAN" SEAN TOOMBS are in a relatively tight shot showing them standing on a scaffolding in front of a largely unseen billboard. Toombs is wearing a pair of white overalls and a painter's cap, and is using a pushbroom to spread glue on the billboard paper. Calamity is wearing white Dickies, stirring a can of glue with a wooden stick and looking directly at the camera, smirking through his green-and-yellow lenses. The sound of heavy traffic is in the background, as the tail end of the 128 can be seen stretching into the distance, at the edge of the frame. The camera is far from steady, and bounces around as Calamity speaks ...)

Calamity: "Boys, boys, boys. Nobody pushes you around in your house?" (He laughs) "We been pushing you around since we got here, and all you've done - besides running away - is hire a girl midget to protect you from further humiliation. AND a great job she's doing so far, by the way. If I didn't wear shinguards twenty-four seven, I'd really be nervous about that clothesline threat."

Toombs: "With a running start, she could catch you mid-thigh."

Calamity: "Right, good point, we'll have to be preemptive. Tonight at midnight, we'll sneak into her mousehole and wrap her up in her little matchbox bed, then set her afloat in a stream on top of a willow leaf. Then she can have adventures among the daffodils with the rest of her fairy folk."

Toombs: (stops pasting for a moment, deadpans to the camera) "Isn't she already managing the fairy folk?"

Calamity: "ZING, son. Now PASTE! God gave you long arms, and he meant for you to make 'em WORK for the MAN!"

Toombs: (he sighs) "There's no escaping the weight of history."

Calamity: "I'd help you out Kunta, but as you can plainly see, I'm busy stirring the pot." (He turns back to the camera) "So sorry boys, but facts is facts. We're on RECORD offering you a rematch IMMEDIATELY following Banned For Life. Like, the camera was on and there was tape in it and everything, I SEEM TO RECALL! We offered a fair rematch right away, and you responded with both feet - ZOOOOM!" (he makes a speeding motion his his free hand) "First, you sputtered some nonsense about preferring to man-grapple with those Okie loads, THEN vanished without a trace for your ... ahem ... GLORIOUS run in Japan. Way to reprezent."

Toombs: "Hell, suckers, we just walked up and told you to make yourselfs ready for a rematch LIKE LAST THURSDAY!"

Calamity: "Man, no kidding, but in your 'real world' where your mom says you're the handsomest boys in school and everyone else is just jealous, you've been denied ... you've been dismissed ... you've been cheated ... Hell, you've been Bloodhunt, congratulations. Now who killed Kennedy?"

(Toombs raises his hand)

Calamity: "And we'd DO IT AGAIN! BANG!" (mimes shooting a rifle, using the gluey stick as a prop) "But boys, whatever you need to make yourself feel alright, then so be it. I mean, we KNOW you're self-esteem's obviously a little low ... all those derisive nicknames for yourself you rattled off - don't kids know that words can hurt ...?"

Toombs: "Fanny-Lancers. Jesus. Which Little Rascal writes their material?"

Calamity: "Seriously, anyone who actually considers 'Fanny Lancers' to be an actual slang term for homosexuals is pretty damn definitely gay themselves, through and through. I guess their "House" is a bathhouse ..." (Calamity stands and throws his stirring stick off the scaffold, towards the freeway below. Toombs does the same with his pushbroom, and stands to Calamity's side, arms crossed) "Boys, we know you're all about YOUR HOUSE, but in case it escaped you, your House sits right in the middle of someone else's world, during the Age of Big Chaos - and that means, it's in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Toombs: "Like a tract home on a flood plane."

Calamity: "Exactly like a tract home on a flood plain, very good Rex." (back to the camera) "From the way you two are spinning your wheels in these promos, I'm going to be honestly surprised if you SURVIVE your way to your title rematch" (Calamity grins) "But please, boys, TRY .. try to survive ... SOMEHOW." (Calamity cuts a Double Dukestacy, then picks up the bucket of glue and flings it from the scaffold) "Someone carry this for me, okay! FREE GLUE!"

(The camera pans back as Calamity and Toombs descend from the scaffolding, and reveals the billboard on which they'd been working. Facing the packed traffic on the 128 offramps into Boston proper, a story-tall publicity photo of LINCOLN MCKINLEY and RYAN CONNORS - arms over one another's shoulders, smiling, flashing a thumbs up - emblazons a professionally lettered sign which reads: "Show your PRIDE - THE ADVOCATE:National Gay & Lesbian News Magazine" and above their reproduced autographs, the handwritten addendum "Read it! We do!")

(Over the din of cars honking and engines revving in a gridlocked thoroughfare, the camera freezes its pan and slowly FTB ...)

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