Professor Tremendous vs Roderick McRatrick in drag with a funny hat.

[Linguistic]

CSWA Unified Title Match (or not):
Professor Tremendous (Champion?) vs Roderick McRatrick... IN DRAG AND WEARING A FUNNY HAT!
Special Guest Referee: James Irish!

It's true, it's true! In a Non-Sanctioned match, Professor Tremendous makes Roderick McRatrick put his money where the dress barn cashier is. This is sure to be the most fashionable match of the night, and that's based only on the guest ref!

RP Deadline is August 16, 2006 by midnight Central time.

 

[TH]

Fade into an MCW soundstage, where special guest employee Squiggy Jackson is standing by with a microphone in hand.

SJ: Alright, Major Championship Wrestling, I'm Squiggy Jackson and here with me, is the challenger to the quasi-CSWA UNIFIED Champion... Roderick McRatrick.

Camera zooms out so that Roderick, dressed in a red sequined gown with melons in the chest area... REAL melons, I think they're honeydews, stilleto heels and a... sombrero (?!) comes into view with Squiggy.

RMR: I'm a sexy b*tch.

SJ: If I may just make a comment, of all the times I've had to interview you in the past...

RMR: You've never been more attracted to me than you are now? You can't stop staring at my ass, can you? I don't blame you, look at it.

Roderick sticks out his ass.

RMR: Look at my sexy ass. Touch it! Go ahead, touch it. You know you want to Squiggy. You know, I've been admiring you from afar, and...

SJ: No, no, no, I'm not gay, I have a wife, two children! Secondly, let's just get this interview...

RMR: Oh, I know you're not gay. I'm a hot b*tch. Look at my t*ts, look at them!

Roderick sticks his chest out, and a honeydew pops out and rolls on the floor off-screen.

RMR: Oh my God! Oh my God! Wardrobe malfunction! Wardrobe malfunction!

Roderick goes to chase after the melon, but Squiggy stops him.

SJ: Stop! Stay here, cut the interview, just try to be sane for five minutes.

RMR: No dice.

SJ: C'mon, just five minutes?

RMR: Listen, I'll make a deal with you. How about, I give you three minutes and then you give me Cleveland steamer.

SJ: Cleveland steamer, what's that?

Production tech: (off-camera) You don't wanna know.

SJ: Look, just give me an interview. Please. It doesn't even have to be normal.

RMR: .traB pu kciP .traB pu kciP

SJ: I think that's about as close to a "yes" as I'm getting, so let's proceed. Now Roddy, this week's match is huge. You're going up against a man that may or may not be the CSWA UNIFIED Champion, so you have a quasi-outside shot of winning the most prestigious title in all of wrestling, which would be your first title since losing the A1E Triple Star Championship. How does that make you feel?

RMR: Well, for one, I've held gold between then and now. For one, that wet t-shirt contest in Key West. My rack totally won me that contest over all those other skanks and sluts.

SJ: You mean the honeydew that's hanging out of your gown and the one that rolled down the hall?

RMR: Actually, no I broke out the watermelons for that one.

Sqiggy just gives him a sidelong glance as to say "Dubbya Tee Eff, mate!"

RMR: I mean... no, my luscious breasts made all the boys lust over me, like you obviously are now. And then afterwards, my milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. Damn right it's better than yours.

Squiggy turns around and vomits off camera.

SJ: Wow, that tasted better coming up than it did going down. (turns around) So yeah, back to Professor Tremendous...

RMR: Wow, I'm fighting a teacher?

SJ: Well, not really. I think he got his doctorate from a trade school somewhere, honorary to boot...

RMR: Well, then, I'll just have to be hot for teacher. I can be Lolita. I'll give that Professor the time of his life.

Roddy sticks out his chest again. The other honeydew falls out and rolls off-camera.

RMR: Wardrobe malfunction! Wardrobe malfunction! Twice in one night! Oh my...

He goes to chase after it again, but this time, Squiggy stops him again.

SJ: I don't think you want that anyway. It rolled into a pile of my vomit.

RMR: I still want it.

Squiggy throws up again off camera.

SJ: Damn, I don't remember eating that. Crap. (turns back around) So are you going to have anything constructive to say about the match?

RMR: No, I was just going to hit on both you and the Professor alternately. Like, next, I was gonna be all like, oh, I wanna be his Mary Anne and Ginger, and then I was going to offer you a reacharound, and then...

SJ: What's a reacharound?

Production tech: You don't know what that is? What, have you been sheltered all your life?

SJ: No... well, maybe... shut up! One more question... what's with the sombrero?

RMR: It's hot, it's the new thing, baby. Just you watch, Paris Hilton's gonna start wearing them, and she's going to be hot, but not as hot as me. Look at my ass, you know you wanna touch it and stick your d...

SJ: NO! Stop there... now, what's the real reason you're wearing that sombrero.

RMR: Because I'm a registered sex offender in Baja California del Notre.

SJ: I don't even wanna know. This interview's over.

Squiggy exits, stage left. Roderick poses for the camera then exits stage right... a thump is heard off camera.

RMR: (off-camera) Alright! I got my right boob back!

Fade to the MCW logo.

 

[MrWest]

(Olympic Music plays and a rather athletically built man in a silver singlet with the letters U.S.A. steps out onto the stage. He wears an Olympic Silver Medal around his neck.)

ALLWORLD: Hi everyone. I'm Allworld - TeamTremendous member and runner up in the heavywight division at the Sydney Olympics.

I am here today because The Good Professor ask me to cover for him at the start of the weeks while he bathed with hookers - ERRRR! - defended his CSWA UNFIED World Title* in some little backwater federation called CSWA.

Noiw don't be upset *whichever fed we happen to be in today*, that doesn't mean that Professor Tremendous does care deeply for the commitment that he made to defend his belt at your *day of week/name of show here* show. And he will be here definitely by *day of show* night. It's just that he is very busy lately and has left the advanced work in my very capable hands.

That hands of the man that coined the phrase, "If you ain't Number Two, you aint ****!"

So it seems that Professor T is facing a guy this week with a few gender identity issues.

And - you know - that's...okay.

My Professor is not the time of guy that get's concerns about wrestling the gays. In fact, I have often heard the Professor say that if you close your eyes and pretned the whiskers are actually a nasty skin condition, it is actually not unlike getting it from Lindsay Troy.

(Allworld Smiles to himself briefly)

ALLWORLD: So anyway, "Lindz", we at CondoTremendous were just wondering what it was that brought you down out of the Ivory Towers of EPW and PRIMEWEFL to face the leader of our marry band here in the veritable slums of *whatever fed we happen to be in today*.

AngAnon siad he thought it was because you just wanted to touch the Professor in "that naughty way" once more. But I figured it more had something to do with you jealousy over him having much much nicer hair than you.

So if that id the case, I have been authorize to make this a hair versus pubic hair CSWA UNIFIED World Title Dress and Funny Hat Match.

If you are not too *buk*buk* chicken, that is.

And if you are, let me just give you a hearty TeamTremendous... PLUCK YOU!

You get it? Chicken? -> Pluck you?

Like if you are chicken were are going to pluck your feathers off.

Get it?

----

And even if you aren't a chicken....

I....uh...

Dang.

Lost my thought.

Chicken....? Pluck....?

YOU'RE GAY AND MY PROFESSOR WILL BEAT YOU UP!

Damn, I was doing so good earlier.

Damn.

(Allworld slumps his shoulders and walks off)

 

[JIrish780]

Be careful what you wish for...

The scene is James' den at his home in pleasant Fredonia, New York. It's been described before, but for those not in the know, it's basically a mish-mash of a business den and a random assortment of pop culture paraphanalea. James is sitting at his computer hutch, which is tucked away to the left corner of the den, with a small plush toy of Gizmo from the movie Gremlins sits on top of the moniter. On the hutch's mantle are a few pictures of his family, and a worn out copy of "The Complete Far Side."

The camera zooms in to look at the screen. It's displaying Hotmail on an internet browser, and at the top, underneath a mountain of spam, is a message from "MCWManagementATmcwrestling.com" titled "Your assignment." James opens it up, and we zoom closer to the following text.

You will be the special guest referee for the match between Professor Tremendous and Roderick McRatrick. It has been stipulated that the CSWA title* may or may not be on the line, depending on whether or not we get sued, and Roderick McRatrick is going to be wearing a dress and a funny hat.

The next frame is the exterior of James' house.

JIrish: WHAT?!?!?!?

Cut back to James' den, where he's basically slid in his chair about four or so feet away from the computer, with a shocked look on his face. Erin Flanagan suddenly runs into the room.

Erin: What's the matter, lad? Don't tell me it's something silly like-

JIrish: That's exactly the problem. As a favor to a friend, I offered to be a guest referee to a match at MCW's last show. I had no idea they'd book me to referee these two wingnuts! I can do weird, but keeping these two in line, that's like trying to catch lightning in a bottle, then teaching it how to do the Safety Dance! I'm going to be up to my armpits in weird lies, every sort of illegal object, and a goat! Normally this wouldn't be a problem, and I'd relish the opportunity to get weird and wild with the worst of them. But as referee... I have to be the... I... I can't say it...

The SERIOUS one!

Erin: Is that all? Oh. Well, good luck with that, James.

JIrish: Ladies and gentlemen, the moral support of the operation, give her a big hand!

A group of silhouettes of people stand up at the bottom of the screen and applaud, as if they were in a theatre watching this like a movie. Fade out.

I think I need to see my therapist first...

 

[MrWest]

("Short People" by Randy Newman plays and a midget walks down the ramp and climbs into the ring.)

MIDGET: Hey asswipes. I am the Team Tremendous Midget. And the only reason that you nutsacks are being graced with my illustious presence rather that that of the Good Professor is because of the stinking, camel-humping terrorists.

That's right. The terrorists are to blame. They had to get caught planning their stupid little plans and now any classy and self-respecting nam like my boss who refuses to travel without his can of Paul Mitchell Extra-Body Finishing Spray is forced to rely on Grayhound rather than TWA to get from there to here.

So that's where he is is shmucks. There. But on his way here.

And I have been assured that he shall arrive on time to step right on into the ring with Misses Lindsay Troy McRatrick in her stupid dress and insipid hat and easily defend his CSWA UNIFIED* Presidential Unified World Title in perhaps even record time.

So what's the record around this place, anyway

10 seconds?

7 seconds?

THREE SECONDS?

Wll, take it from me as I assure you that my Professor shall put all those records to shame and defeat the goofy Lindz McTroyrickrat a full twenty-seven seconds before the bell even rings.

And you idjits can take that to Vegas and book it.

{And if you do, make sure to place all your action with the really tall fastidiously dressed guy. I here he lays the best odd on such asinine prop bets.}

Oh...and James Irish. My boss wanted me to give a particualr message to you.

Ahem.

(He pulls out a note and reads...)

"The envelope will be tucked into the bottom turnbuckle pad in the Southwest corner of the ring. Buy that nice Erin girl a pretty anenome necklace or something. She deserves it."

(The Midget puts the note away.)

That is all.

(The Midget climbs out of the ring and stomps away.)