I Am The Astral King, I Can Do Anything - Pt. 2
(MUSICUP:
The Final Fantasy theme song)
(FADEIN: A blue START screen with a white hand for a selector. The title reads “FINAL FANTASY: THE CASTOR CHRONICLES”. The hand hits Start, and begins to flash after a sword-clash sound effect)
(CUT-SCENE: Camera moves ground up from the dusty brown boots, black leather pants, and badass Tokyo-chic jean-jacket of a computer-animated CASTOR STRIFE! He’s standing atop a mountain, overlooking a village in front of sunset)
CASTOR: “My name is Castor Strife, and I am the last hope of the Free Wrestling Continent against the evils of man. Will you join me, Orphan, as I battle to win our freedom?”
YES ß
NO
CASTOR: “Thank you. My production company has gone into the red $50k to produce this demo game, and I hope you like it. Right now, I am standing at the mountain top of YEVON, the creator of the universe. No man before me has climbed to this peak, and it is with Yevon’s knowledge and blessing that I will go forth to the village beyond Sector 7 and destroy the oppressive CS SHINRA CORPORATION.”
(Castor turns, walks off camera – scene fades)
(CUTTO: With the cut-scene ended, a 3D Castor is standing on a mountain top. He draws a giant sword)
CASTOR: “Before we continue, I will introduce you to the player who is controlling the demo.”
(CUTTO: Real-life – PETER WINDHAM is sitting on a bean bag in front of a Playstation 3 console, holding a controller. He waves to the camera)
PW: “What’s up clowns!”
(CUTTO: 3D CASTOR)
CASTOR: “This is Peter Windham, adopted brother of Troy, and a former associate of mine. You might know also know him as PROBLEM CHILD.”
(CUTTO: “What’s Your Name?” screen. Castor’s avatar is next to a spelling of his name, and beneath is the alphabet and some numbers)
CASTOR: “Alright Peter, just hit start, my name is already spelled out.”
PW: “What do I hit, B or something?”
CASTOR: “No! Hit Sta- PETER!”
What’s Your Name?
C A S T P O R
PW: “Oh sh*t! How do I erase it?”
CASTOR: “Move the cursor to erase and just spell out the last two letters of my – NO, YOU JUST HIT START!”
PW: “Damn. Sorry dude.”
CASTOR: (sighs) “I really, really shouldn’t have gotten you involved with this. Let’s move on. Bring me to Yevon’s cave.”
(3D Castor climbs down the mountain, to the next screen, and jumps onto a ledge leading to a cave. He enters to a room lit by fire, and encounters a buff old man sitting on a stone throne holding a scepter)
OLD MAN: “WHO DARES TO ENTER THE CAVE OF YEVON?! PUNY MORTALS, I SHOULD STRIKE YOU WITH THE BLUE LIGHTNING OF A THOUSAND ISLANDS!”
PW: “The salad dressing?”
YEVON: “NO, NOT THE SALAD DRESSING! BUT I WILL STRIKE YOU WITH THE BLUE LIGHTNING OF A THOUSAND STORMS IF YOU CORRECT ME AGAIN! I AM YEVON!”
CASTOR: “My apologies for Peter’s indiscretion, oh great Yevon.”
YEVON: “AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME, MORTAL? WAIT, DON’T TELL ME, I SHALL READ YOUR HARD DRIVE DEVICE…”
CASTOR: “That’s not really necessary-“
YEVON: “CASTPOR! STEP FORWARD AND TELL ME WHY YOU ARE HERE!”
CASTOR: “I seek to liberate the Free Wrestling Continent from the evil CS Shinra Corporation. Please Yevon, tell me how I can do this.”
YEVON: “AHHH, SO YOU SEEK THE ULTRATITLE! FOR THAT IS THE TROPHY WHICH, IN THE RIGHT HANDS, WILL CAUSE THE DETONATION AND DESTRUCTION OF CS SHINRA!”
CASTOR: “Yes, Yevon, that is what I seek.”
YEVON: “IT WILL BE A LONG, ARDUOUS JOURNEY. YOU MUST DO BATTLE WITH 127 GUARDIANS!”
PW: “Dude, you know how many hours I’d have to play to level up for that?! Can’t we just Game Shark this sh*t?”
YEVON: “THERE IS NO GAME SHARK! THIS IS FINAL FANTASY!”
CASTOR: “Do I have to defeat all 127 Guardians, Yevon?”
YEVON: “NO, NOT REALLY. YOU WILL BE SEPARATED INTO FOUR BRACKETS AND 64 BATTLES! EACH BATTLE WILL BE WATCHED BY THE SPIRITS OF JUSTICE, TO ENSURE FAIRNESS!”
CASTOR: “And who are these Spirits of Justice, Yevon?”
YEVON: “THE SPIRITS INCLUDE ODIN, RAIDEN, SHIVA, IFRIT, SIREN, MY CAVE NEIGHBOR FRANK, AND THREE HOMELESS PEOPLE FROM THE VILLAGE.”
CASTOR: “
Homeless people?”
YEVON: “YESSS! DO YOU TAKE ISSUE WITH MY SPIRITS OF JUSTICE, PUNY INSECT?!” (charges blue lightning)
CASTOR: “No, that seems totally fair.”
YEVON: “GOOD! THE SPIRITS AND I HAVE DECIDED ON THE ELEMENT TABLE THAT WILL DICTATE THE TERMS OF YOUR BATTLES! FIRE DESTROYS ICE! WIND DESTROYS WATER! ULTIMA DESTROYS ALL!”
CASTOR: “Great, I have a lot of Ultima.”
YEVON: “THAT IS NOT TO SAY ULTIMA CANNOT BE DESTROYED BY FIRE! BUT I WOULD THINK ULTIMA WILL GUIDE YOU FAIR!”
CASTOR: “But you just said Ultima destroys all…”
YEVON: “I DID NOT SAY THAT!!!! THE SPIRITS OF JUSTICE DID! BUT NOT ALL SPIRITS THINK THE SAME!!!”
CASTOR: “Then what the F*CK is the point of an elements table?”
(Yevon charges blue lightning!)
PW: “Whatever dude, let’s just use the sword.”
YEVON: “A WISE DECISION. NOW BEFORE YOU SET OUT FOR SECTOR 7, YOU WILL NEED SOME INFORMATION ON YOUR OPPONENTS! THEY ARE THE GREATEST COLLECTION OF- (Next screen)
CASTOR: “HEY!”
PW: “F*ck this sh*t, I wanna play!”
CASTOR: “You can’t just skip a screen when you feel like it! We needed that information, Peter.”
PW: “What kind of crap game is this? It’s like 90% movie, 10% game.”
CASTOR: “Run up to Yevon, see if he’ll talk again.”
PW: “Alright.”
(Peter has 3D Castor approach Yevon, and presses B)
YEVON: “GO FORTH CASTPOR, YOUR DESTINY AWAITS!”
CASTOR: “Sh*t. Do it again, see if he says something else.”
YEVON: “GO FORTH CASTPOR, YOUR DESTINY AWAITS!”
PW: “Eat my dick, Yevon!”
(3D Castor pulls out his sword and slashes at Yevon)
CASTOR: “WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING, PETER?!”
PW: “Oh sh*t! He’s throwing the lightning!
He’s throwing the lightning!”
CASTOR: “Get me the hell out of here!”
(3D Castor leaves the cave, and a fast-forward sequence begins, highlighting his treck from the cave, to Sector 7, all the way to the CS Shinra building. He sneaks through the lobby, and takes an elevator to the top floor, whereupon he enters into a dojo)
PW: “This game is TOO LONG. Next time we take a Gold Chocobo.”
CASTOR: “Shh. Do you hear that?”
(Silent footsteps – all of a sudden, CHAD SHINRA appears out of thin-air!)
CS: “I didn’t think you’d show up, Castpor. What does it say about a man that he should arrive at his own funeral on time? GWAHAHA!”
CASTOR: “I’m here to put you out of business for good, Chad Shinra!”
CS: “We’ll see about that. GWAHAHA! Can you survive your first match?”
(A new player appears. Above his head is PSN Gamertag “BLaZeRXX103”)
BLaZeRXX103: (high pitched voice) “ayyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooo.”
PW: “Blay-hay-
hay-zer! What’s going on, buddy?”
CASTOR: “Who is this and why is playing in the demo?”
PW: “Relax dude, it’s my friend Blazer!”
BLaZeRXX103: “chad shinra we should get off moms cause I just got off yours faggot.”
PW: “OOOH! TAKE THAT CHAD SHINRA! THIS KID IS
LEGIT!”
CASTOR: “I’m not playing with some high school kid, I’m sorry Peter.”
BLaZeRXX103: “I’M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU PIECE OF SH*T!”
PW: “Blazer, relax! He’s 10, Castor, just leave him alone and let’s play this damn game.”
CS: “Your first guardian challenger…is JAGUAR!”
CASTOR: “Bring it on, Chad.”
(A wrestler dressed like a human Jaguar pops out and the screen shifts into battle mode. CUE: Battle music! But as soon as it begins, WOOSH! Blazer takes out Jaguar with a Blizzaga spell!)
BLaZeRXX103: “PWNED B*TCH! WHAT!”
CASTOR: “Blazer, calm down. Next one is mine.”
CS: “Not so fast, Castpor. We must wait for the other three brackets to finish!”
CASTOR: “Ok?”
…
…
…
CASTOR: “Still waiting.”
…
…
…
BLaZeRXX103: “this game BLOWS son!”
CS: “Alright, continue. Next opponent: SAMMY BROWN!”
(Battle mode)
CASTOR: “I have it on good authority that Sammy has over 20,000 HP.”
BLaZeRXX103: “gaaaaaaaaayyyygaygaygaygayGAYYYY.”
PW: “Ooooooh Blazer! You gotta save some of these guys for Castor!”
(After another Blizzaga spell, Sammy Brown has been vanquished)
CS: “In another few moments, the action will continue! But this time, you may not be so lucky, for your next opponent is fierce! GWAHAHA!”
ADMIN: “Hello, this is Playstation Network Administrator #44252. What is the problem, sir?”
CASTOR: “This is my game lobby, and I would like BLaZeRXX103 removed immediately. He is a 10 year old nuisance with a
very vulgar mouth.”
BLaZeRXX103: “WHAAAT?? WHAT??? NOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I SWEAR I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!” (parents can be heard yelling in the background; disconnecting sound)
ADMIN: “Player removed.”
CASTOR: “Thank you.”
PW: “Man, that was f*cked! He’s just a little kid!”
CS: “GWAHAHA! Brackets are ready! Prepare yourself for…KHRISTAIN KELLER!”
(Silence…followed by raucous laughter)
CS: “What? Is Keller not enough of a challenge?!”
CASTOR: “No! No! He’s fine…”
(3D KHRISTAIN KELLER jumps into the action)
3D KELLER: “You smell that, Castpor?! That’s the smell of SH*T! KING SH*T! OF F*CK MOUNTAIN!”
CASTOR: “Great. Hold this Ultima for me?”
3D KELLER: “Certainly!”
(Castor uses ULTIMA on Kheller, but to his surprise, it gives him 14,000 HP!)
CASTOR: “What the…?”
PW: “Dude, I swear to f*cking god they said Ultima would kill this idiot on the podcast!”
CASTOR: “They do podcasts for this sh*t?”
PW: “Oh yeah, there’s podcasts for just about everything. You should really check a few out on iTunes. There’s this one that-“
CASTOR: “PARRY!”
(Castor quickly ducks a fire spell from Keller, and immediately vanquishes him with a sword strike)
CS: “Ha! Keller was nothing! Nothing compared to ANARKY, that is! ANARKY! … Anarky get out here!”
(Voice calls out from off-screen)
VOICE: “Why? So I can fight some glory hungry upstart? Been there, done that.”
CS: “Move your ass! Or I’ll cancel that thirty-second birthday party we have planned for you!”
(Voice sighs)
VOICE: “Fine. Whatever.”
(3D ANARKY appears and lazily puts up his hands)
3D ANARKY: “Alright, bring it.”
(Castor jumps and cross-slashes Anarky. 32,000 HP! Still alive, though)
3D ANARKY: “Pain! I…crave…pain!”
CASTOR: “Don’t make me do this. Just die gracefully.”
3D ANARKY: “You think…you have won. But you have only…”
(Castor drives sword into Anarky, turning him into red light)
CASTOR: “Alright Chad Shinra, who’s next? Troy Windham? Sean Stevens?”
CS: (laughs) “Fool! The Spirits of Justice have watched these men fall, and have instead I call upon their superiors! GWAHAHA! ORPHAN!”
CASTOR: “
Who?”
CS: “He uh, used to be Seymour Almasy.”
PW: “I thought this game was supposed to get harder?”
(3D Orphan pops out! He is very small, and androgynous looking)
3D ORPHAN: “Before we do battle, you should know that I have an iron will that’s been forged in the fires of ACW!”
CASTOR: “And that’s a big deal why?”
PW: “Fires of ACW?! That’s like a match burn. Or a rug burn. Or jock itch.”
3D ORPHAN: “Wow, really? Insulting someone else’s organization? I don’t even know why we’re talking about ACW to begin with! I am here to fight, and fight I will!”
CASTOR: “Fine, let’s fight.”
3D ORPHAN: “But seriously, how dare you. Holding the NFW World Title doesn’t make you special, ok?”
CASTOR: “Ok.”
3D ORPHAN: “STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS! Whatever, maybe you ARE better than me. But it still doesn’t mean I won’t beat you!”
PW: “I’m about to shoot myself in the head. Please kill him.”
CASTOR: “You’re the one in control.”
PW: “Ah, right.”
(Castor casts a spell: “COHERENCE”. It immediately eviscerates Orphan)
PW: “Holy sh*t that’s a powerful spell.”
CASTOR: “Only when placed in the right hands. Alright Chad, who’s next?”
CS: “You promise not to laugh?”
CASTOR: “Uh…yes, I promise not to laugh.”
CS: “Pinky swear?”
CASTOR: “Yes yes yes, who is it?”
CS: “Cameron Cruise.”
PW: “NO.”
CASTOR: “In the Final Four? (sighs) Alright Peter, you can go ahead and equip the weaker armor. I’d like this to be somewhat of a challenge.”
(3D CRUISE comes out wearing a NO MA’AM t-shirt and signature DANGLE BROTHERS spandex pants)
CASTOR: “I feel like this is a sign from the Mayans…”
(BLACK SCREEN)
PW: “Huh?”
(CUTTO: Peter Windham sitting on his bean bag. He leans forward to inspect the PS3, and finds the red glowing rings of doom)
PW: “Ahhhh SH*T. I’ve sent this f*ckin’ thing to Sony like three times already!”
(FADEOUT)