The Best in the World...at bad impersonations...
It's ULTRATITLE time and please forgive your narrator for being a little excited! 128 of the world's best wrestlers doing what they do best...erm, wrestling. And today we're going to witness the return to the big stage of a wrestling great...Classy Mike C.
We join our hero in his personal locker room at the USPW Ameri-Dome...please forgive me for that terrible name but someone thought it was a good idea to afford the home of some of the best superstars around a terribly crass, tasteless moniker. The room is a homage to the kind of rhetoric Mike C has been spouting in recent times...I wouldn't say it's anti-America but it's certainly pro-everywhere else. The walls are decorated with not only posters from Mike C's famous battles down the years - Sean Taylor, Nero, Jay Smash, Lord Alucard from EUWC, AJ Johnson and JD Screw from GWA and, more recently, Phantom and Mark Force from USPW - but also images of numerous international icons from various different walks of life...Nelson Mandela, Arthur Scargill, Che Guevara, Joe Strummer, Bob Marley, The Dynamite Kid and more. Around the room there's a couple of Soviet flags (no doubt belonging to his team mates The Red Army, those communist throwbacks to a past era of wrestling and indeed society itself), an ice hockey jersey (property of proud Canadian and alleged woman assaulter Shawn Starr...) and, of course, Mike C's trademark cricket bat.
And our hero? Well, he's sat plumb in the middle of it all watching the TV with his custom made USPW United Kingdom Championship belt draped across his lap. We can hear English accents but we can't see the show...it could be The (original) Office, it could be Downton Abbey, it could be the Teletubbies...we just don't know. After a few moments, and a chuckle from Mike C, he turns and acknowledges the camera.
Mike C: Oh I didn't see you there...please come in.
Let's hope Mike C is paying more attention when push comes to shove...
Mike C: Now...as you're not wearing a grotesque red, white n' blue polo shirt I'm guessing you're not USPW camera crew which must mean...it's time for ULTRATITLE!
Mike C seems as excited as I am...and I'm practically hysterical!
Mike C: Well, well, well...what a few months it's going to be! A lot of people have asked me recently "what happened to you Classy Mike C? You were destined for the top...you reached the top...and then you kind of disappeared". And one of the people who asked that question is me. What have I been doing? What am I trying to achieve? Well, I'll give you a bit of insight...
Once upon a time there was a wrestler called Classy Mike C. Sometimes the fans booed him, sometimes the fans cheered him, sometimes they didn't realise he was even there. He was prone to the odd catchphrase or two, he worked hard and he won some titles. Then he won some World titles. He beat EUWC Hall of Famer Sean Taylor to win the EUWC World Championship using Taylor's own finisher. Then, if that wasn't enough, he beat him again. He went on to be the golden boy of the EUWC management until he was ultimately...and wrongly...dethroned. That hit Mike C hard, but it hit EUWC harder and they closed down not soon after. Fast forward to last year and to GWA...a modest but proud company with a long history. Not only did Mike C become their World Champion, being pinned only once in his time there...but such a wonderful champion was he that the company was forced to close because nobody was up to the challenge of beating him...probably.
But through all that, and through to where we are now, Mike C became disillusioned. He'd lived in America for 12 years, fighting and beating the best. He picked up a few knocks along the way but he always came back stronger. Then, after taking another extended hiatus...he was told he was being deported.
Mike C's face turns at this point. Gone is the cheerful demeanour, in it's place a deep frown.
Mike C: Now...far be it for me to dictate America's policy on immigration but ask yourself, is that any way to treat someone who's brought so much joy to so many in this country? Is that any way to treat someone who has time and time again sold out arenas? That incident cemented something in me...not bitterness, I'm not bitter at all...but it woke me up to the failings of America. Now I'm not some 1980s heel spouting communist propaganda and nor am I some fat, bloated veteran who's gone away, honed their skills in Japan and come back sucking just as much...I'm just an honest man. And honestly...America is failing. I love this country, but why can't it be more like the rest of the world? Why can't it leave behind this greedy, paranoid, megalomaniac attitude and just learn that it's not an all powerful beast anymore...learn that, a lot of the time, it kind of sucks.
And so, with that in mind, I come onto my first opponent in this tournament...and certainly not my last...Johnny Niles.
Mike C's face portrays a mixture of emotions...confusion, pity, jolity...don't ask me how he's managed it but he's got it down to a tee.
Mike C: Johnny Niles. Joh. Nee. Ni. Uls. It's a name that you think you've heard before but you know you haven't. Now I've learned a few thinks about dear Johnny recently. I've learned that he's straight edge...I've learned that he likes Pepsi...I've learned that he thinks he's "The Best in the World"...and y'know something? It all kind of sounds familiar, doesn't it? It's almost as if this rookie nobody has been flicking through the channels, no doubt looking for another bargain on the shopping channels, and stumbled across a popular entertainer from another business and thought "hmm, that works quite well for him...maybe if I do the same people will give a damn about who I am!". Well Johnny...I'm afraid that impersonation might be the highest level of flattery but it's also the lowest level of talent.
I'm glad you've heard of me...you should have heard of me. You should have watched each and everyone of my matches, be it for the World Title or right at the bottom of the bill, and tried to learn from me. But I know you won't have. You're not that smart and you're not that good. I was hoping that entering ULTRATITLE would give me a platform to help make America a better place, instead I end up fighting CM Flunk. At least it will show exactly what America is though...out of ideas and not ready for anything...and hopefully you'll learn from that Johnny. I'm in this tournament to change the world, you can either acknowledge that and lay yourself down for a better America...or you can face me and become a footnote in my revolution. Your choice Johnny...
And with that Mike C diverts back to his English TV shows. With a flick of a button he returns to his show. Gosh I hope he's watching Teletubbies...