(Thursday evening. The scene is Ed's Rec Room, a West Edmonton Mall entertainment complex. Stylin' Kyle Roberts, part of the The New and Improved D-X, is downing a beer as a party rages on behind him. Apparently, he's already had a few. He's not drunk, but you can definitely see he's getting there. He's wearing dress clothes, but for some reason has a sparkly jacket covering his shoulders. It matches the sparkly tag title belt he's wearing around his waist. What, what?)
KYLE ROBERTS: So, MCW, how was your New Year's? Mine was good. Everybody was able to see Bruce Richards and I defeat IrishRed and James Irish to go on to the semi-finals of your tag tournament. Then we went home, completed a winter retreat to focus on winning back the NAPW tag titles from the Celtic Assassins.
Which we did. Check it out! Shiny belt! (Kyle points to the gold around his waist.) Ever since then, our commissioner, Joseph Winchell, is focused on making us drop these belts by performing on every single NAPW show, twice a week, against people who haven't paid their dues. Tag teams who only showed up in the past week, makeshift teams, jobber squads. It's a tiring life. Just like James Brown, God rest his funky soul, Bruce and I are the hardest-working men in sports entertainment. But every few weeks, our favourite part of our jobs is flying down to California to compete against the elite of the tag team world. The MCW Tag Team Invitational!
But, as a fan myself, I'm sorry, but I've just got to say this: Where the hell is the competition for us?
We were told that we were looking at the top teams from across North America. So far, we've faced the Highland Park Social Club, James Irish and IrishRed, and yes, I enjoyed my matches with them. The fans were certainly entertained. But, really, were we in any doubt about losing to them?
You're talking about Stylin' Kyle Roberts! Bruce "The Beast" Richards! FIVE-TIME NAPW tag champs! These other teams are going up against a true sports dynasty here! The Edmonton Oilers from the Eighties. The New York Yankees in the late Nineties. The Chicago Bulls for eight seasons! And the New and Improved D-X right here, right now.
I mean, really, it's at the point where we're facing a team that never existed before this tournament. Brian Bruno and Simply Beautiful. Good guys. Great wrestlers. In NAPW, Simply Beautiful's gone from being the most heavily booed man to being the guy who kicked Evil Crazy D! out of the building. He's a Pure Honour Champion. Brian Bruno, the ex-football player who really hasn't missed a step since entering the NAPW.
We've hung out with these guys. We've wrestled with them at times. But really, when it comes to going up against the New and Improved D-X in an honest-to-god tag team match? Stick to the singles careers, boys. This here, winning a tournament? That's a MAN'S job. And, on your own, you two are men like the rest of them.
Focus on your OTHER tourney, Brian, the Canada Cup. Go back to the NAPW, and forget all about losing to Bruce and I. Hell, who in our company HASN'T lost to us at some point? If it makes you feel better, think of this as a training exercise.
Don't get me wrong, Bruce and I are going to give it our all next week against you two. This isn't just a fluff match to us, even though I am convinced I know the outcome. This is the last step to the final match in this tournament. And then we'll go up against some other team that just doesn't know what they're getting into.
But right now, we've got our eyes and your minds set on the two of you. It's cool, though. We'll make sure you look good while you lose.
(Kyle hops off the barstool and joins the party in progress, as we fade to black.)
(Bruce Richards is sitting in the Calgary International Airport, less than two hours after the wrap of NAPW's Tuesday Night Fights. His carry-on backpack and cane are on the seat beside him. He's drinking from his travel mug, his ever-present companion on the road. He's mysteriously without his other ever-present companion, tag team partner Kyle Roberts. Bruce leans back in the chair and lets out a sigh of relief.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: You know, it's getting so busy for The New & Improved D-X that I barely have time to catch my breath. It just gets to a guy, you know what I mean? Title defense after title defense, sitting around in airports and on jet planes thanks to our involvement in the Tag Team Invitational tournament. Sometimes I just wish I could take a break and get away from it all. Just so I can get my head straight.
(A cute girl walks past him in a short plaid skirt, and Bruce stares after her for a second.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Sorry, I got distracted. Where was I? (Snaps his fingers.) Wanting to take a break. Lazily daydreaming about some time off. Yeah, it sounds good. But you know what? Time off is for suckers. In this business when you have a bit of a break, it's for one of two reasons: you're hurt, or you suck. I've been hurt recently, and that's not something I'm looking forward to again any time soon. And say what you want about The New & Improved D-X. Make fun of our name, talk about our relative lack of experience with the "big boys", but we sure as hell don't suck. So I guess Kyle and I aren't going to get a vacation any time soon.
(Bruce takes a sip from his mug and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Sure, we've been underestimated in this tournament before. And this time, for better or for worse, our opponents won't be able to dismiss us so easily. Because they've seen what we're capable of, firsthand. For the first time in this tournament, The New & Improved D-X is up against another tag team representing the NAPW. Simply Beautiful and Big Bad Brian Bruno. Two wrestlers who are also making names for themselves in the NAPW right now. Simply Beautiful, former Pure Honour champion, and Brian Bruno, Canada Cup Semifinalist and a contender for the Provincial Championship. They're quite a pair, those two. Their record in this Tag Team Invitational tournament speaks fairly well to their qualifications. But when they step into the ring with The New & Improved D-X? They're going to lose. It's not my pride getting the better of me. It's just the truth. Because while SB and B4 are good wrestlers, Kyle Roberts and Bruce Richards are a good TAG TEAM. And if you don't think there's a difference, you're sadly mistaken.
(Bruce pulls a small binder out of his backpack.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: I've got a checklist here, with a few points that I think tell you what makes a good tag team. A good winning record? Well, they've certainly racked up two wins here in the Invitational, so I'll give them a point here. Charisma? Well, SB has more than enough charisma, but I'm not so sure he can spare a little for Brian, who's sadly lacking in that department. Sorry, boys, no dice on this one. One star does not a tag team make. I should know; I spent a few months as a monosyllabic brute while Kyle bounced off the walls. But you can't be a straight man your whole life. Take your time, Brian, I'm sure you'll get there ONE day.
(Bruce turns the page.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Let's see...well, most really good tag teams have been together for at least four or five matches before they really get their chemistry going and start to compensate for the other person's weaknesses. Brian & SB have had...two matches. That's interesting. They've only had two matches here. (Sarcastically.) Have they NEVER wrestled a tag team match outside this tournament? The answer? No. No they have not. I'm sorry, guys, I like you and everything, you're swell guys, believe me. But do you honestly think you can take down The New & Improved D-X at the high point of their careers - or should I say, highest point so far? (Shakes his head.) You just can't. I mean, not unless it's video game wrestling. And Kyle and I will NOT be suckered in to that again.
(Bruce tears the sheet of paper out of his binder.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm not going to keep this up. Because really, I kind of like Brian and SB. They're not bad guys. But they're not a good tag team. And as much as I respect them individually, I'm not going to regret laying either one of them face-up on the mat and covering for a three-count. So boys, this is just a friendly promo. No hate here, no vicious name-calling, no backstage attacks. We're going to win and move on to the next round AND successfully defend our title belts AGAIN, and you're going to lose and go on to amazing things in the NAPW. I just hope you two don't carry grudges.
(Kyle Roberts comes over and sits beside Bruce.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Sorry I took so long. I had to answer the call of duty, and then there was this girl in a plaid skirt...
BRUCE RICHARDS: I know, I saw.
KYLE ROBERTS: Bruce! You're with Tiffany, remember?
BRUCE RICHARDS: I know, I know. I'm not married or anything; I can still look. And anyhow, you're with Amy!
KYLE ROBERTS: That doesn't matter; my love for the ladies is all part of my charm. (Rubs his hands together.) So, you about ready to shoot that promo?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Actually, Kyle, I already did.
KYLE ROBERTS: What? How could you!
BRUCE RICHARDS: You shot one without me last week!
KYLE ROBERTS: Yeah, but that was DIFFERENT! I'm actually charismatic. People demand my screen time! I demand my screen time!
BRUCE RICHARDS:(Sighs.) Look, we're just wrapping it up. You want to put in the last word?
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay. (Affects best Macho Man Randy Savage voice.) Simply Beautiful! Brian Bruno! I'm going to put your heads in a headlock and turn them like an apple stem, counting down the letters of the alphabet with every turn, and when I reach the letter of my true love's name - that would be the lovely Elizabeth - I will rip your heads off and roll them down the hallway like a BOWLING BALL! OOOOOH YEAH!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Classy.
KYLE ROBERTS: I am nothing if not classy. All right, we're done here. Let's head to the gate!
(Kyle and Bruce get up and walk away as the camera fades out.)
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