RP Museum (Old RP)

[Koby]

Re: Championship Madness - Spades - Elvis Aaron Presley v. Jack House

The fwrestling server sucks some major dick in the morning, don't it.

 

[Steve]

Re: Championship Madness - Clubs - Hans Nowak v. Bill Bellmoth

(FADEIN: Miss ANN and Hans Nowak oversee a gaggle of Mexican immigrants working feverishly in the back yard of Han's new Vegas home. A couple of workers pass in the background toting a giant-sized Golden replica of Hans' head. The LVW cameraman COUGHS, catching Ann and Han's attention. Much to their annonyance.)

MISS ANN: Billions of years from now, Earth’s star burn out, and planet left in darkness and cold. Planet left in primitive police state, where only the visionaries who dug tunnel to the center of the Earth and live in glass tubes for homes, and use Earth’s lava for warmth will remain. Billions of years from now…the Earth will be homeless with no grand postmaster for the first time since America spilt innocent blood to capture it’s independence. And there will be nobody to say, to reinforce the truth that could have saved.

Had idiots and rapists lifted Hans up to the heavens and used cock head to block moon, and let his brilliance cast rays upon the paupers and slaves…planet’s destruction could have been avoided.

HANS: Yes! Yes my filthy little dog…Hans speak now for the first time in two weeks! Vow of silence for dumb in country, and culturally impaired no more!

(Miss Ann BARKS at Hans, ripping at his muscle shirt with her teeth.)

HANS: Seventeen more bodies in Iraq, and thousands here in US file to hold hands out to government and beg for stamps. They beg like road kill to be given new life and safely led across the stage. Dog, what does it mean?

MISS ANN: Tell me! Tell me now you ignorant thickheaded beast!

HANS: It mean only ONE HANS NOWAK! Only one strongest man in the world! Only one God in LVW able to lift couch full of (censor) in the air with one hand, and beat rest of Lounge in game of tug-of-war with other! HANS ATTACK!

MISS ANN: Attack Hans must! For dimwitted Bill Bellmoth dare stand in our way!

HANS: Bellmoth, no amount of barebacked Cowboys able to rope and hold Hans down. My kingdom today small….but when Vegas mine…my rule shall be as far as eye can see.

MISS HANS: (BARKS again) Take me to that Iron-man Match! Show world that Hans Nowak last longer than ANY man.

HANS: LVW…HANS ATTACK! Until bodies stack like ladder for Hans to climb and tap Sun out.

(FTB)

 

[TH]

Re: Championship Madness - Diamonds - Gladiator v. "Cowboy" James Donovan

"Who done said blowjobs was art?"

LVW soundstage at Mandalay Bay. "Cowboy" Jimmy and surprisingly, Fabiola are standing by.

JD: Well if that don't beat all... that darn Gladiater fella thinks I was tryin' to be all arty and such with mah last segment, I reckon. Dang, he done give me more credit than anyone ever done before. I guess maybe he ain't such a bad guy after all if he think I is smart 'n such.

But there ain't no art to a blowjob. It's just the whore goin' down and suckin' on yer junk. Nothin' arty about that. It just feels real, real good.

It feels so dang good that I got Fabiola here, the best dang blowjob this side of the Pecos, to give this Gladiater fella a good blowjob after the match. He seems really, really wound up real tight. I figger some good head will help him wit' his inner pain 'n such, and it'll make him feel real good after I done kicked his ass all the way across that there ring.

I mean, what's the best thing in the world to feel after you done got yer ass beat?

Fabiola: A blowjob from Fabiola.

JD: Darn tootin'! See, I ain't that bad a guy, Gladiater. There ain't no need to have all that pent up anger 'n such.

Just unwind.

And leave the piani wire at home.

Fade to the LVW logo.

 

[John Doe]

It's Broken.....

FADEIN….

LVW Backdrop, very cheaply made as El Gordo Grande stands in front of a camera. His lips move but nothing is heard. He stops and looks around, and points at a camera man. We hear people talking in the background.

Studio Tech: It broke, I can’t believe it, it’s not working. And it’s too much money to replace.

Director: What broke?

Studio Tech: The Lip syncing.

Director: Sh*t!

EGG: Que paso?!

Studio Tech: Mr. Grande we are having problems, the lip sync system won’t work, we can’t get it to work.

EGG: QUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Studio Tech: It’s broken, (talking louder)

GRANDE looks at him confused

Studio Tech: You are going to have to talk, we….don’t have…it working….it’s broken…adios....Caput

EGG: ¿Usted me quiere que hable?

Studio Tech: SI!

EGG: No….amigo, la mirada, yo he roto ingles

Studio Tech: I …..Don’t….Speaka….In…Spanish…Just talk…..

Another tech enters the room.

Studio Tech 2: We got the automated translation system up.

Studio Tech: Ok, so I will have him just speak in his language. And we will run it here.

EGG: Ah mi dios.

Studio Tech: Senior Grande, just speak Spanish.

EGG: ¿Puedo hablar yo español? (I can speak Spanish?)

Studio Tech: Yeah, sure whatever.

EGG: Hola, como usted puede ver regreso esta semana y no soy apenas para nada es para el campeonato mundial. Algunas personas nunca ganarán esta oportunidad. Pero tengo. Y es a causa de este igual que he decidido dedicar este igual a los ventiladores de LVW. Yo los fallé último, esta semana que avanzaré para ganar un título en su honor, y para el honor de México, de Puerto Rico, y de todo latín

(Hello, as you can see I am back this week and it’s not just for anything it’s for the world championship. Some people will never earn this chance. But I have. And it’s because of this match that I have decided to dedicate this match to the fans of LVW. I failed you all last, this week I will advance to win a title in your honor, and for the honor of Mexico, Puerto Rico, and all Latin’s)

EGG: Hay las cosas que se debe decir, uno de ellos es mi caída a Shorty. Yo lo subestimé. El es un guerrero verdadero en el anillo. Pero no me obtiene mal, él obtuvo afortunado, tuve la cabeza a lejos en las nubes, y él aventajó me a. Llené mi cara con alimento en vez de la instrucción. Y sufrí las consecuencias, esta semana no será lo mismo. Esta semana que derrotaré Johnny Doll en el anillo para un adelantamiento en este torneo.

(There are things that must be said, one of them is my fall to Shorty. I underestimated him. He is a real warrior in the ring. But don’t get me wrong, he did get lucky, I had my head to far in the clouds, and he got the best of me. I stuffed my face with food instead of training. And I suffered the consequences, this week won’t be the same. This week I will defeat Johnny Doll in the ring for an advancement in this tournament.)

EGG: Vea este Título mundial, me significa todo a yo mismo, a mi familia, y a mi orgullo. Yo le debo derrotar para mantener esos fin al corazón. Mantengo los ventiladores cerca al corazón también, ellos me trajeron aquí. Yo les mostré un lado de mí yo nunca quiero mostrar otra vez. Yo me disculpo para mis acciones la semana pasada a Shorty después del igual, era innecesario. Pero estaba tan enojado en yo mismo para permitirlo aventajar para ame que tuve que liberar mi cólera. Yo lo lamento mucho. Lamento también mentir a los ventiladores. Yo no puedo hablar inglés. Un hombre se sentó y habló para mí, yo acabo de mover que los labios para hacer se parece a hablaba. Lo siento.

(See this World Title, it means everything to myself, my family, and my pride. I must defeat you in order to keep those close to my heart. I keep the fans close to my heart as well, they brought me here. I showed them a side of me I never want to show again. I apologize for my actions last week to Shorty. after the match, it was unnecessary. But I was so angry at myself for letting him get the best of me that I had to release my anger. I regret it dearly. I also regret lying to the fans. I can not speak English. A man sat down and spoke for me, I just moved my lips to make it look like I was talking. I am sorry. )

EGG: Pero eso es el pasado, esto es ahora. Y ahora soy un hombre nuevo. Ustedes saben la verdad ahora, y empezando ahora realizaré en el anillo en mi juego primero. Traeré los ventiladores un título. Un título para las personas. Un título que luché para ganar duramente. Esto es el primer paso en mi escalera al éxito, yo no los fallaré otra vez. Buenas noches.

(But that is the past, this is now. And now I am a new man. You all know the truth now, and starting now I will perform in the ring at my top game. I will bring the fans a title. A title for the people. A title I fought hard to earn. This is the first step in my ladder to success, I will not fail you all again. Good night.)

EGG: VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!

FADEOUT

 

[thegr817deuce]

Re: Championship Madness - Hearts - "Hard Hitter" Ben Lerner v. The Web Browser

We open to a dreary, damp plumbing area of some unknown building. Condensation leaks all over the pipes that spread throughout the room, not to mention the floor. Intertwined within some of the pipes, we see the Web Browser, sitting on the pipes as if they were a child’s swingset.

He sits quietly as a smile protrudes from his face. His raised cheeks slightly shroud his left eye, which we can clearly see is bruised from the transpirings from Viva Las New Years. He points his head to look to the floor as he notices the camera. He sits there for several moments in complete silence before finally…

WB: Welcome to my playground…

This is where I’ve grown accustomed to coming when I have a bad day and just need an extra little bit of cheer to try and get me through the next day without connecting my neck and one of these pipes via a sturdy rope.

The smell here is quite fresh when you’re used to the dry air that comes from sleeping in a basement in the middle of the desert.

The moisture and mildew are actually relaxing when the grind gets you to the point that you just want to throw up rather than seeing what life holds for you next.

Even the rats…

They’re quite the refuge from what hurts me the most.

They accept what I am, what I used to be, and what I’ve become.

They could honestly care less if my life has gone from top of the line to complete shambles in a matter of hours.

All they do is lend a listening ear to help me get through the daily grind. They sit patiently while everyone else continues about their “me-first” ways up on the surface.

They even show more pity for a beaten man than any of the scum of the earth.

They understand that I hurt and that even some sort of fugitive creature like me needs someone or something too.

Browser seems to be restraining himself as his breathing increases heavily. Soon, his breaths are very quick and shallow as if he were to hyperventilate.

WB: You see, life to them isn’t about using others as your pawns.

Much like the capitalistic America or even the man that I’ve been informed will be standing across the ring from me in the way of a title that I could really care less about.

Men like Mr. Lerner are exactly what makes men like me hate each and every American up there.

Men like Mr. Lerner abuse the powers of words and are able to manipulate the smallest of men into giving up everything they have, simply to get overbearing lawyers even more money than they already have.

Men like Mr. Lerner are what confine me to the depths of the dry basements and the overly moist plumbing areas.

I used to be someone like Mr. Lerner myself. I used each and every ounce of my intellect to further myself in a world that I thought I controlled.

But when things go awry, even the biggest of men can be turned into the smallest of rodents because of the abuse of the English language by men like Mr. Lerner.

Mr. Lerner, what you have is, honestly, quite the talent.

But I cannot see how even a man like you can wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror without cringing to see the beast that you have become.

You’ve slaved to an overbearing society that tells you money defines your level of success.

If you win a case, you’re simply rewarded with money, because that’s what everyone values in this, the capitalistic apex of the world.

What you would find out, if you were a man like me, is that money is only a driving force that the government holds over your head to make you conform to what they want.

And with each case that you go out there and lie your ass off simply to gain a victory so that you may earn more money simply leads them further into happiness with your conformity.

Browser looks up to the camera, his eye shining as much as a black eye can in a dark plumbing area.

WB: And with your presence in LVW, you are simply showing that you yearn that much more to show Uncle Sam that you conform to his rules and wish to remain a pawn in the biggest game of all.

Think about it for a minute, Ben. Think how each and every one of those men that you convict or incriminate in your cases feel while you’re simply using them and their words as nothing more than pawns in your greatest of schemes.

Now, think for a minute about how much bigger of a scale the United States government is working on…

And now, think about how small of a pawn you are becoming in their little game by showing them you’re that much thirstier for a paycheck as you enter LVW.

If something like that still doesn’t get your head straight, then I’ll damn well make sure that you understand that your presence in LVW is still about to end because you’ve taken a wrong turn on the information superhighway.

Your first paycheck from Las Vegas Wrestling is going to be your last, courtesy of the Web Browser because of what you pulled out last week with that cheap shot.

And before you know it, when Uncle Sam has finally crippled you for everything that you are, you’ll be asking me for advice on how to download your criminal case files as you try and work your way back up the system by fighting against it.

Browser gives a slight chuckle and then laughs hysterically as the camera fades out.

 

[TheOriginalSE]

Re: Championship Madness - Hearts - "Hard Hitter" Ben Lerner v. The Web Browser

(FADEIN: 'the Hard Hitter' Ben Lerner is sitting on a wooden desk, a desk lamp to his right, and a stack of books to his left. Behind him stands a bookshelf. He places his hand on top of the books on the desk and looks into the camera, a dry smile on his face.)

LERNER: "Slander.

That's our word for today. What is slander? Loosely speaking, it is words falsely spoken that tend to damage the reputation of another.

I know, I know.

Slander may not be actionable, or for you less intelligent folk out there, prosecutable, without proof of actual temporal damages. And I'm sure that is what the Web Browser, in his infinite wisdom, was hoping.

But when the slander relates to one's business or profesion, the special provision of it relating to actual temporal damages is dispensed with.

So Web Browser, before you open up your mouth one more time to dismiss the extraordinary job I do, I would be careful. You might just find me on the other side of another ring from you... and in the courtroom, well, I'm the Hard Hitter... and NO ONE hits back."

(Lerner pulls a comb from out of his suit jacket pocket and slicks back his hair. He runs his hand just over it to make sure there are no stray pieces before placing the comb back. Lerner pulls a book off the stack and flips open to a random page since he's not even looking at the book.)

LERNER: "I'm just a simple man, Browser. I like the little things in life. Cars, good cooking, the occassional negligence of a supermarket.. I go to work in the morning, just like every other Joe in this country. I listen to story after story after story of some poor soul .. their lives being ruined by some fool who uses and abuses them...

Like here in Las Vegas Wrestling.

I sat back there and watched as LVW put my client in danger. Where are your credentials Web Browser? I want to see where it says that you have all of the necessary training to be a professional wrestler. So after you act as an accessory to a felony, I have decided to stand up for the little person.

To act as an instrument of retribution.

For example: one of my last cases a poor woman placed what she thought was a ready bowl of soup into her microwave only to come back 2 minutes later to find her kitchen on fire. In the mad pursuit to put out the flames she tripped over a tile and hit her head on the stove.

This could have been easily preventable had her soup box present clear directions to remove the hard to see plastic covering, or if the microwave had extra safety provisions to contain a fire, but also if her tiles had been laid correctly. Needless to say she was handsomely repaid for the damages, both physically as well as mentally, that she deserved.

So before you start to claim that I am a slave to a capitalistic society, Browser, you need to do your homework. I work to make sure that those who have no voice are heard.

When people have nowhere to turn, they turn to the Hard Hitter to get the help they need."

(Lerner closes the book and places it back on the pile before hopping off the desk. He walks around to the back of the desk and sits down in the pleather chair.)

LERNER: "Not only am I going to run this company into the ground for its grave ignorance of justice, but I'm going to go a step further. A hostile takeover, if you will. Since Mr. Simmons is unable to compete, I am taking his place in this title tournament.

I will make LVW pay ...

One way..

or another."

(He winks at the camera as he starts flipping through some papers on the desk.)

LERNER: "One slip, Web Browser.

That's all it takes...

and you'll get the Cash Settlement."

(FADEOUT: As Ben Lerner straightens his tie, puts on some $2.99 reading glasses from Wal-Mart, and continues to thumb through some papers on his desk.)

 

[NotorisSTD]

Yup....the last.

(CUEUP: “The Hunt” by The Hidden…)
(CUTTO: Mitch Grey, raggedy old Dead Kennedys T-shirt, leather jacket, and black jeans stands in a spooky ass ally way, illuminated only by a street light, looking bored…)

“the last goth monster”

Jeezus krist, y’know sumpthin’ butha, I understand not wanting to shoot interview segments, but if you want people to think you’re *really* a deranged, drug abusing, scope drinking, nihilist retard, you’ve gotta get on the mic and DO some messed up sh(bleep), man.

C’mon Johnny the Homicidal Maniac....eat some dirt. Drink some piss. Put your dick in a vacuum cleaner. Shoot yourself in the eye with a staple gun. Do *some*thing! I’m just trying to give you some career advice here…

You wanna make a name for yourself in this business? You gotta bring the shameless self exploitation. Me? I’m already planning on selling out to myself by driving to the arena, suiting up, and slapping you around ‘till you don’t get back up no more.

If you’re staying quiet to avoid saying anything stupid, well…You lost your credibility when you decided a real evil mofo like you should come out to Red Hot Chile Peppers. Might as well cry havoc and let the verbal shi(bleep)orm fly, eh?

 

[Phenomenal]

Re: Championship Madness - Clubs - El Gordo Grande v. "Broadway" Johnny Doll

(McCarron Airport-- Las Vegas, Nevada 2:35am)

Airport Loudspeaker: " America West Airlines Flight 916 from New York City is now arriving at Gate 14. All baggage will arrive in the North terminal... Thank you for flying America West."

( Passengers from the airplane pour out from the door opened by airline officials. Businessmen with their loosened ties and wrinkled jackets draped over their shoulder, boyfriends meeting their girlfriends, family members meeting other family members and one man walking alone searching for the correct way to go toward the exit. That man is Johnny Doll. Clad in a gray Nike T-shirt and blue jeans walks towaard the exit when he sees a man holding a sign with "DOLL" on it. Johnny acknowledges the man and walks toward baggage pick up. Doll picks up his bags and follows the driver out to the limo awaiting at the curb outside. The driver takes the bags and puts them in the trunk as Doll slides into the back of the limo. The driver closes the limo door and then leaves with Doll in tow toward Caesars Palace where Johnny has been staying.)

Doll: (sighs) " I am so frickin' tired. Moving all my stuff from NYC to Sin City is a chore. But, this is my new home. I can't stay shacked up in the Palace for the rest of my life. I need to make a residence here. El Gordo Grande... I had a video lined up to film early this week in a restaurant where I clearly made fun of you as an athlete, your name as a fast food dinner meal and your hertiage as a latino. I didn't care you were as a person. As I moved furniture at my past home to bring here, I got to hear your comments about this tournament and what it meant to you. And I decided to scrap my whole plans and just hand you the facts."

(Doll moves around in the limo until he finds a comfortable position)

Doll: " You said that you failed the fans in your last LVW match. I'm sure that wasn't the case. If you gave your all,, then you did very well. You want to be at the top of your game then I'm sure that you will be. All I can say that you better bring all that you have to take me on. Because, I am not going to lie down for you. In fact, I want that LVW World Title just as much as you do, if not more. Your first step on the ladder to success is me... not Shorty. That was just a prelim match. This first round is your turning point. It is where you will be showing the whole world how good you are. You see... I have been through this. Stepping in front of casting agents for broadway shows..toothpaste commercials and voice overs for cartoons. My success has come from hard work and accountability from my peers and fans. Yes, I have the same fans you have. That card you use..."to win it for their honor" that 's all well and good. But, it's not like you have home field advantage. You won't be sure who is cheering who in our match. Your best bet is to bring your arsenal and hope that you have just one move better than mine. I don't plan on losing to you and I do plan in the same way as you do to be World Champion for the fans out there. If it werent for those fans out there...I would never be where I am today. "

(The limo stops and the driver opens the car door for Johnny. Johnny walks toward the casino doors. But, stops and turns around.)

Doll: " Gordo...I understand your heritage. Your land is two things. Mostly oppressed and what isn't oppressed is totally rich above most standards. One spot you have Tijuana and the other spot you have Mexico City or one spot, Rosarita and one spot, Guadalajara. It's the difference between night and day. You had a great leader in Caesar Chavez. So, families and pride are major things in your land. While Americans need an act of terrorism or a strike against their core values before they bond together these days. We are quite passionate within our own families. We are alike in a lot of ways and I commend you getting in front of a camera and acknowledging that you cannot speak english and letting the fans know your appreciation for them. The one major thing that I cannot agree with you on though is how this match will end. We will show the town as well as the two nations how great of a match we will have. But, it will be me that will come out of the first round match as the winner and I will go on to face each competitior with the same fierceness as I will be facing you until I walk onto the Las Vegas strip as the LVW World Heavyweight Champion!!"

(Doll turns away from the camera and walks through the doors of the casino and into the crowd of gamblers and restless vacationers.)

 

[SteveA]

Re: Championship Madness - Hearts - Mitch Grey v. Jonathan Nash

(The screen comes in on another ‘Blair Witch’ type camera, and another scared ****-less cameraman, who really would rather be doing anything else right now, but he comes, down the now somewhat familiar hallway, at least now he sort of seems to know where he’s going, until he comes down upon a man, matted hair, matted clothing, head down, and as that head comes up, the blood trickle, fresh this time, can be seen running down his forehead, this is Jonathan Nash, who looks back to the ground as he speaks)

“We had the misfortune of stumbling across some comments, not that we normally pay attention to such things, but it can be an.... amusing pastime. You honestly think we’re just like all the rest, don’t you? You honestly think that we’re in this for some kind of.... self promotion? Do we honestly look like someone who is trying to promote anything?

“You did hit on one accord, and that is that pain is the only thing that gets us through the day. Pain is what motivates us, IT KEEPS THE THIRST ALIVE! The only problem is we can’t decide which one of us likes pain the most, and we also can’t decide who we’d rather see the pain go to, ourselves, or to the ones who think we’re simply like all the rest.

“Do you think wegive a **** about any of the things you mentioned? Do you think we give a **** what music we come out to, or how we look, or any type of championship we may win. Those were the things that Jonathan Nash, the young lion, the upstart, used to care about. But we came in and changed all of that, we changed things when that NO GOOD PIECE OF SH!T DECIDED TO ABANDON US, DECIDED THAT WE WERE NO LONGER WORTHY IN HIS PRESENCE, THAT WE WERE FREE TO EXPLORE ‘OTHER OPPORTUNITIES!’”

(Nash begins violently hitting his head against the floor, as he crouches on his hands and knees, he continues to scream violently, until he suddenly stops.... and looks back up at the camera, the blood has now spread, covering most of his face, the calm demeanor has returned, and he continues)

“We have erred in really caring about what you think. We guess all we’re going to worry about is allowing you to enter our world for just a moment. We’ll let you know what it is to truly feel what we go through. This isn’t about any type of title, or anything else they might try to give us. Those were the things we used to care about, long before anybody cared. Back when they said we were ‘The Golden Boy.’ F@CK THEM!

“We’ll be there, bells and whistles and everything, we imagine they’ll even be some music playing in the background. Not that is matters, the pain will not change.

“We’ll see you soon.”

(Our camera looks to get out of there as we fade to black)

 

[NotorisSTD]

"I think you forgot your medication today, psycho boy."

(CUEUP: “I hate everything” by the Queers…)
(FADEIN: Dimly lit bathroom in crappy motel room. Mitch Grey, black jeans and faded G'nR T-shirt, has his hair pulled back in a ponytail as he’s putting on pseudo goth face paint in the mirror…then he runs his fingertips arbitrarily across his face, just enough to slightly smear the design…then turns around, and starts talking…)

“the last goth monster”

(sighs) Alright spunky, let me tell you know what I know about pain…

There’s the bland, expected kind I believe you’re mostly talking about. (punches himself in the head) Ow. That kind. Chairs and tables and barbed wire and the like. I think most of us are pretty familiar with all that by now. Do I like it? Not really. Do I dislike it? (shrugs) I got used to it a long time ago…It’s living. It pays the bills. That’s all.

Then there’s the other kind, which I’m not used to, and I’m not sure if you can get used to it. The total desperation that hits when you get everything you’ve always wanted, lose it, and are completely helpless to do a single thing about it.

You know what it was, that I wanted so much, Johnny? A normal life. Because I couldn’t stand the sight of people like you anymore.

You don’t think you’re like the others, eh? You think when you say, “I’m crazy and I love pain,” it’s different from when Asylum, Thirteen, Anarky, Psycho, Felix Red, Pitt, Ashe Draven, and the THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of others say the exact same thing?

And it doesn’t just make you a cliché, Johnny. I’m a cliché to, y’know? There is nothing special about me. I am big. I am good at beating people up. Being a cliché isn’t so bad. Most people are pretty cliché. Your hero Jean Rabesque is a cliché to, and by the way I wouldn’t worry so much about him firing you. I mean…c’mon now. Jean Rabesque is horrible. He’s sucked for years. Everyone makes fun of him behind his back. it's really absurd.

It’s when you keep telling yourself you love pain so much?...That makes you a f(bleep)king retard. Does it make you insane also? Does talking like you’re doing a bad Topher Grace impression make you insane? Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. I don’t care. What it doesn’t make you is special. Or interesting. Or a threat to me.

What you are, Johnny Nash…is a chore.

Not to say I won’t enjoy running you over. My last few opponents at least left me a little bemused. You, on the other hand, genuinely annoy me.

Who the f(bleep) cuts themselves on camera and tries to play it out like they’re NOT looking for attention?...(spits on the floor) Jesus f(bleep) Christ. (spreads his arms out to the sides, forming a cross, smirks, and walks off)

 

[DizzaHizza]

Re: Championship Madness - Spades - Elvis Aaron Presley v. Jack House

* Long fade in to the front of the Paris Hotel & Casino from the top of the Luxor Hotel & Casino. Elvis stands at the base of the Eiffel Tower, at the Paris, posing for pictures and signing autographs. A young woman in a cowboy hat walks by, not giving Elvis a second glance... *

ELVIS: "Hey pretty lil' thang! You're a lil' bit country, and I'm a whole lotta rock 'n roll. What say we head on down to my place? I promise not to be cruel and leave you at the Heartbreak Hotel, baby. I swear, give it to the King, baby!"

* The woman ignores the cat calls, and struts right by Elvis. *

ELVIS: "Nothin' to worry about. 'N fact, I don't have much to worry about. Not in...

* Elvis breaks down into song *

ELVIS: "VIIIIIIVA! LAS VEGAS!

"That's just a lil' preview of the goods, and that's all of me that Jack House is gonna get. He wants to roll up into my town, my Graceland Numero Dos, and start taking out my friends?

"That's a no-no, amigo."

* A little kid points a camera at the King, and he strikes a karate pose, but not before tripping into a man in a wheelchair and knocking him over. Elvis doesn't even bother with the man, and finishes the pose for the photograph as bystanders scramble for the cripple. *

ELVIS: "Just like that mister, House, you're gettin' in my way. See, while I may be the King, all the LVW fans know that I'm also the Ace. The Ace of Spades!

"See, you talk big, but I walk big. These shoes aren't made for walkin'. Hell no. Seude ain't no good for that, but they are made for stompin'. Stompin' a mudhole in your gut. When I'm done, I'm movin' on to the promised land, baby.

"It's time for MY reperations! I see exactly what you see around here: thousands of my impersonators wanting to be me, act like me...SING like me. Well, uh-uh, there's only ONE King, and you're lookin' at him. Me. I.

"Jack, you might think NO ONE beats the House in Vegas, but Elvis is about the break the bank, and roll all up on ya!"

* Elvis breaks into a verse of "Trouble"... *

ELVIS: "I'm only made of flesh, blood and bone; but if you're gonna start a rumble, don't you start it all alone..."

** FADE TO BLACK **

 

[parallax1978]

Re: Championship Madness - Clubs - Hans Nowak v. Bill Bellmoth

::FADEIN::



Sir Simon waiting to interview Bill Bellmoth, who is characteristically late for his interview, before walking through right past Sir Simon…



Simon: “Bill, Bill, can I get a word?”



::Bill rolls his eyes and stops::



Bill: “Make it quick Sir Shawn I am a busy man”



Simon: “Bill this week you are facing…”



Bill: “Do you think I care what this retarded gorilla who can’t do anything more sophisticated than body slam is named? NO! Once again the bookers of this bingo hall federation book the 9 Time World Series of Wrestling champ against some moron who bought “How to wrestle instructionals”… on VHS, off of some site on the internet. When I am in the ring, the people are entertained, and whomever I wrestle against looks better just for having the privilege of getting defeated by me. So to summarize, Captain Caveman, get ready to look REALLY good. Later Sir Shawn.”



Simon looking totally perplexed: “Oh well, we have heard from Bill Bellmoth, I am sir Simon and I am going to go hit the craps table”



::FADEOUT::

 

[ShawnHartXXX]

Terrible Parody Part I

(FADE IN: The Monroeville Mall in Pennsylvania... or a cheap facsimile thereof. On the mall's second floor, near a balcony overlooking the lower level, we see four people. One, a weasley-looking man with Slick Rick hair and a leather jacket. Another, a chain-smoking, somewhat past her prime, reporter chick... portrayed by Gaylen Ross. The remaining two - SWAT team bad-asses! Well, one Ving Rhames-like, SWAT team bad-ass and the other, a rather squirmy, effemenite-looking officer anyway. Collectively, the foursome stands at the balcony's edge, peering over and into the unknown. CLOSE ON: 'Bing' Rhames.)

'BING' RHAMES: "When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth"

(CUT TO: Gaylen Ross)

GAYLEN: *Hack* *Wheeeeeeze*"I'm too old for this sh(FCC)t..."

(CUT TO: Flyboy Weasel.)

FLYBOY: "Chopper 5 reporting heavy congestion in the wrestling vignette."

(CUT TO: Femmy McSquirm.)

McSQUIRM: "Heeeeey guuuuuuuuuys? Is it bad that that icky-poo zombie took a li'l nibble out of my freshly waxed thigh?"

(CUT TO: MC Luscious Booty Diva X?!!?)

DIVA: "Heh, y'alls 'bout to get played like a pinball machine..."

BING: "Oh HELL NO!! How ya gonna roll up on our stash like that, WOMAN?! This mall is OURS!"

DIVA: "Shiiiiiiiiizzz, not fo long, jigga... cuz the UNDEAD LEGION is about to bowl y'all over like Jerome Bettis up in here!!

McSQUIRM: "Oh BABY!!!"

(Suddenly, the LIVING DEAD jumps out of some fake bushes nearby!)

LIVING DEAD: "Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnggggggggghhhhhhh...UUUUUUMMMMMMMMMGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRHH!!!"

(Dun-dun-DUNNNNNNNNNN!!!)

BING: "What the HELL?! Where's my shotgun?! I'm gonna git you, SUCKA!"

FLYBOY: "Chopper 5 reporting a HEAD-ON Collision at the Monroeville Mall!"

(Before Gaylen could respond, the Living Dead edges in toward her...)

McSQUIRM: "Run girlfriend, RUUUUUUUN!!!"

(Closer...)

DIVA: "Y'all dun f(FCC)cked up right here! My man's gonna pull a rabbit out his hat Magick-O style and stick it up yo ass slow like!"

GAYLEN: *Cough* *HACK*"HEEELP!!! HELP!!!"

(Closer still...)

DIVA: "Y'see this, magic man? Dis bidness right here's gonna be you in that ring. My own personal stiff, and I do mean STIFF *snicker* is gonna toss you off the stage at Ceaser's and right back to the street corner ya came from!"

BING: "The HELL you doin, lady?! Get you white ass out the way!

GAYLEN: "Can't.... move.... must..... find.... cigarettes!!!"

McSQUIRMY: "Those are SOOOOOOOO bad for your complexion... just RUN, doll! That icky-poo zombie's gonna eat you!"

(Living Dead stumbles and falls.)

DIVA: "Yea BITZ!! You like that, Magick-O?! After Living Dead bites you, you gonna vanish like Harry Houdini on this place."

(Living Dead struggles to get up... only to trip on something and fall.)

DIVA: "Aaaaahhh yea, it's all over now!!! G'head Magick-O... pick a card... ANY CARD. No mattah what ya get, yo ass is busted and MY MAN'S goin' Black Jack all up in this piece. Jus' look at him, he's goin' GANGSTA on this place!"

(Living Dead fumbles around the ground for his roadblock. To his shock, he discovers he was tripped by none other than Gaylen's Swishers.)

GAYLEN: "OHHH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOOD!!!"

LIVING DEAD: "AAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! *arms flailing*

(Living Dead stumbles back to his feet and continues to move toward Gaylen.)

DIVA: "Feel the BURN, assh(FCC)les!! Living Dead's gonna put you all in his box of mystery and saw yo wigga-asses in half!!!"

(Living Dead, still closing in on Gaylen, stumbles a bit too close to the escalator. With the muzak plodding about over the mall's PA system, he stomps and circles about the escalator, desperately trying to get back up to Gaylen despite the device's downward progression. Diva is not impressed.)

DIVA: "You think he's tough now, boy... you besta check ya self!! He may be havin' troubles fo the moment, but you can bet yer booty that ain't no escalators in the ring!!! So you jus' watch yo-self, Magick-O... cuz when he gets his hands on you, you WILL join the Army... of the Living... DEAD!! Diva X out dis piece!"

(As Diva and the other four continue to peer over the balcony at the Living Dead and his escalator woes...)

LIVING DEAD: "BAAAAAANNNNGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! GAAAAAAHHHBBBB!!!!"

(...we FADE TO BLACK.)

 

[Phenomenal]

Re: Championship Madness - Clubs - El Gordo Grande v. "Broadway" Johnny Doll

(The House of Blues concert hall is empty except for two workers setting up the ring. "Broadway" Johnny Doll walks into the area just absorbing the ambiance of the spot that will make history for Las Vegas wrestling fans. Frankie walks down to ringside just in time to hear the conversation that the two men are having inside the ring.)

Ring guy#1: " Yeah, He can't speak a word of english. Ya wanna know the funniest part? I've been trying to teach him a couple of cuss words and I get him to say them to the chicks at the bar. His face gets slapped everytime!"

Ring guy #2: (laughs heartily) " Ya know what else is funny. I heard LVW was going to sign Nachos Bell Grande as a tag team partner for him!!"

(Both guys laugh loudly)

Johnny Doll: " Why don't the both of you shut your mouths and show the guy some respect."

Ring guy #1: " Hey. You shouldnt have a problem with us. You should be worrying about beating Mr. Mexico."

(Doll rolls into the ring and looks at both men face to face.)

Doll: " Listen. He has every right to be here and he doesnt need you to attack him behind his back."

Ring guy#2: " Listen mama's boy. We don't need to hear from some brokeback broadway primadonna."

Doll: "Well. Maybe you can hear this."

(Doll irish whips the first ring guy into the ropes and delivers a solid flying elbow to his forehead. Before, the second guy could help his friend out. Doll leaps up and sends a superkick into the jaw of the second man. Doll rolls out of the ring and to the announcers table.)

Doll: "El Grande... It's all comes down to this. One of us cant go on. I respect you and what you came here to do in LVW. But, I came to grab the same brass ring. I will not just lie down in our first round match. The World Title is coming home to the Doll House!"

 

[Manson]

Re: Championship Madness - Diamonds - The Living Dead v. El Magick-O

(FADEIN: B/W Footage of EL MAGICK-O, in full bodysuit, mask, top hat, and cape, fighting a poorly-made up actor playing a zombie wearing tattered clothes. EL MAGICK-O fights with a cane with a dragon's head on the top that spews badly-done CGI fire that the zombie ducks from too early. The backdrop a theatre with a mountain painting making up the scenery.)

EL MAGICK-O (grippling with the zombie): BACK! BACK YOU FIEND! BACK TO THE SEVENTH LAYER OF MIALIN'S HELL! I COMMAND YOU BY ALL THE POWERS OF LIGHT!

(A cheap flash happens, and then El Magick-O remembers to throw his powder and the zombies twirls and twirls as he opens a trapdoor and walks down the stairs through it. El Magick-O sighs in relief as he begins spinning his cane.)

EL MAGICK-O: And so the AGENTS of the UNDYING sent one of their own after me since they have already divined the future and seen that I will overcome their Living Dead on my march to the LVW World title. It has happened before....when I had climbed the melting glaciers of Iceland to perform a magic show with only my top hat for a village of man-eating albinos...and there I learned how to escape from a paperclip.....

....and how to entrap a man within a paperclip.

In fact, I once tried this with a woman, and, when it didn't work out so well because I hadn't practiced it that much, she thought I was going to pay for the surgery....but hey...I wasn't the LVW World Champion yet.

And you think making money off magic is easy?

In an age of the internet, pay per view, and video games?

And with the fact that every other magician gets to reveal the trade's secrets on network specials but they keep lowballing me?

I even offered to expose wrestling, but they had a drunken Mexican hillbilly doing that.

But I'll make my bank account re-appear....and while I can't say I'll ever stop searching through the purses of my many lady friends for loose change while they sleep....I'll have revised equipment.

A new Water Torture Cell! A new collapsing cabinet of mystery! A new Ford Escort! A new brevy of attractive young assistants with wealthy, widowed mothers!

And it all starts with this one match against the Living Dead...a battle I've fought all my life....for surely magic is wonder....and wonder is the war against the living death and chaos....and I'm sure glad I have that grad student writing out my speeches for me now!

Nonetheless, this isn't the first time I've been called upon to save the world, and it won't be the last. As a magician, I'm one of the last few with the hidden secrets that propel this world through darkness, and I'm obligated to defend it from the likes of the Living Dead....

....and should I make a tidy profit off exposing a wrestling audience to magic...and a magic audience to wrestling...well....who could begrudge me?

It's not like Harry Houdini was living out of a box.

But like him, I am a master of the mystic arts....a master physicist....an adventurer...a handsome rogue with many personal ad's in the Las Vegas newspapers for you lonely ladies out there.

As long as you like to share since there's always a few fans welcome backstage after my shows....and three's company never hurt anyone...except that one time I didn't know she was actually a he....but I made him vanish from the bedroom as soon as possible.

As the Living Dead will vanish...after I escape from his clutches. Even now, on the astral plane, I see the LVW World Title dangling above me...and my soul only has to reach out and grab it.

Not even the dead can stop me.

For they have no bounds that can hold me.

Unless I feel like it that night.

 

[Koby]

LVW Week 5 - Prelude

(MUSIC UP: "Good Morning" - Cage feat. El-P, Matt Sweeney & James McNew)

(FADEIN: Blue screen, flashy lights bordering all around, House of Blues logo in the middle, with date, time, and lots of 411.)

MAYES (V/O): “People in the Valley, come join us here at the House of Blues for some Las Vegas Wrestling action! Get your tickets now for our next show by hitting us up on the website listed, by calling 1-702-555-2525, or by showing up at the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay here on the Las Vegas STRIP!”

"THIS is the show to not miss! We will be deciding who holds the four keys to the 4-Way, 60-Minute Ironman Match for the LVW World Heavyweight Championship at Supershow on the Strip I! The brackets, brought to you by Bracketmaker.com (http://www.bracketmaker.com/tmenu.cfm?tid=137677), will be decided!"

"We will also be deciding our first CHALLENGER to whoever the new World Champ may be, plus much more!"

"Here's the lineup sheet!"

5-Way Match, One Pinfall To A Finish
Winner gets FIRST LVW World Heavyweight Championship Title Shot​

THE LIVING DEAD v. "Hard Hitter" BEN LERNER v. BILL BELLMOTH v. "Broadway" JOHNNY DOLL v. JONATHAN NASH
.
Leisure Time, a new interview segment by THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE, with his first guest, JACK HOUSE!
.
"The Inferno" CARMINE ESPOSITO v. ROMEO TRAVEN
.
And then...​

CLUBS BRACKET FINAL​

EL GORDO GRANDE v. HANS NOWAK​

SPADES BRACKET FINAL​

OLVIR ARSVINNAR v. ELVIS AARON PRESLEY​

HEARTS BRACKET FINAL​

THE WEB BROWSER v. "The Last Goth Monster" MITCH GREY​

DIAMONDS BRACKET FINAL​

"Cowboy" JAMES DONOVAN v. EL MAGICK-O​

"Join us! EL VEE DOUBLE-U... taking it, to the OBSCENE!"​

OORP: Once again, it's time to sink or swim, and bring it all to the table. To those out of the World Title tournament, it doesn't mean you're out of any plans at all, because ANYTHING can happen here in LVW, and there's an epic ton to happen, so don't give up, and keep it up!​

We're giving everyone until the end of business on Wednesday, February 15th to put up all RPs and get in all angles and ideas to lvw.prez@gmail.com. There will be no extensions!​

Let's go and rock the house!​

 

[Koby]

Week 5 (Prelude) - Living Dead v. Lerner v. Bellmoth v. Johnny Doll v. Jonathan Nash

For the first shot at the LVW World Heavyweight Champion!

RP here.

 

[Koby]

Week 5 (Prelude) - Carmine Esposito v. Romeo Traven

Got the full match now.

RP here.

 

[Koby]

Week 5 (Prelude) - CLUBS FINAL - El Gordo Grande v. Hans Nowak

RP here now!

 

[Koby]

Week 5 (Prelude) - SPADES FINAL - Olvir Arsvinnar v. Elvis Aaron Presley

RP here now!