RP Museum (Old RP)

[The Great Eye]

Zane Vs Shadric

All Rp Here. Rp deadline May 21st at 11:59 PST

 

[Manson]

Out of a Hat

(Drumroll as the curtains fly open on stage. EL MAGICK-O, in a yellow bodysuit streaked with orange and red stars and comets struts out, wearing a red, satin cape and holding a long, red top hat. He pushes his hand inside and pulls out.....a dead rabbit. CLOSEUP: The rabbot's eyes are glassy and still, and its little tongue is lolling out of its mouth.)

EL MAGICK-O(sighing): Not another one. I have to learn to pull rabbits out of hats before they suffocate.

(He tosses the dead rabbit over his shoulder and the camera angle widens to show a huge pile of dead rabbits behind him at exit stage right.)

(CUTTO: El Magick-O.)

EL MAGICK-O: Rest assured, I'll be pulling more out of a hat than a dead rabbit, and much more from out of my sleeve to combat the evil Cowboy James Donovan. You've seen me raise the dead, you've seen escape from, the clutches of unbreakable wrestling holds, and you've seen prove me that none of those 14 children were actually biologically mine!

And soon, very soon, you'll see perform my greatest feat ever and win the coveted LVW World Heavyweight Championship. Of course, I want the prestige, the money, the glory, and the fact that it will get me booked in much better clubs where I can hit on even richer widows.

But most of all, I need to win the LVW World title because Donovan's deals with devils and dark forces have sent the entire world on the brink of the apocalypse! The end times are now!

Look at the signs!

People actually think the Da Vinci Code is real! George W Bush thinks he's doing a good job as president! Lindsay Lohan is dating Bret Raetner! And she denies it! I have a 52 year old woman claiming i gave her herpes and another who says I accidently slept with her 14 year old daughter!

Hey, I can't help it if her haircut made her look more mature and she was wearing a business suit! How could I not think she was at least 16?

Like all good things, it has to be earned. I didn't start off headlinign with Wayne Newton opening for me. And I have to win this tag team match to help win the title and save the world.

Of course there's others who want the world title. Everyone wants to be champion. A Man in Black, a Cowboy, and Carmine.

Well, Carmine, every great magician needs an assistant. I'm sure you're new at this, so just follow my instructions and we'll saw off Donovan's legs. He'll have to give me a title shot if he wants me to re-attach them, and hey, maybe I can give you one too!

Only remember, I need to win this match and the title. For you, for me, and for the world.

 

[TH]

Re: Out of a Hat

"Well I'll be..."

We fade into a corner bar... they have those in Vegas? Well, they do in this promo! Cowboy Jimmy Donovan sits, slumped over the bar, double shot of Jack Daniels in one hand, Johnny Walker Black on the rocks in the other. You know something's wrong when he's doublefisting the brown liquor instead of penetrating the brown beaver.

JD: Y'know pardner, I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar right 'bout now. I done got erryone in the dang company gunnin' fer me, I done got laid out at the end of the show by that hooker murderin' polecat El-Magick-O (Editor's note: The O is for orgasm!), an' to add insult to that thar injury, he done turned mah blowjob queen into a hairy man!

He takes down the double shot of Jack with ease.

JD: I ain't wanna get no oral pleasurin' from no man... I ain't never done nothin' like that in my life, 'cept when I was in Kuala Lumpur, but that boy done looked like a girl, and he had purty lips too... but I promised mahself I wouldn't talk 'bout that no more.

Swigs the JWB down, finishing half the glass in one sip.

JD: An' it looks like I got half the dang company after me. I gots a bullseye on mah back, hell, even mah partner wants to take me down. I feel like the lonesomest coyote out there in the desert.

Downs the other half of his JWB.

JD: Hey barkeep, kin' I get another round?

Bartender takes Jimmy's glasses.

JD: Thank ya, pardner. Anyway, I done feel like I'm the lowest dang person in the world. You ever feel like that?

The camera pans to the right, showing an Asian tourist in a Hawaiian shirt with a camera around his neck.

ATiaHSwaCahN: You cowboy! I take pictcha!

JD: Yer right! I am a cowboy! I'm Cowboy Jimmy Donovan! YEEEEEE-HAW! Hey barkeep! Cancel them drinks!

Bartender: But I already poured 'em.

JD: Well, give 'em to that nip.

Bartender: Alright.

ATiaHSwaCahN: That booze! I take pictcha!

JD: The only help I need is in the form of that sweeeeet poontang! YEEEE-HAWWW!!

Jimmy looks around the bar, looking for poontang. He spots what he thinks is a woman of loose moral fiber sitting in the corner. Jimmy moseys on over to the woman.

JD: Ex-keee-yoooose me ma'am, but are you a prostitute?

Loose woman: Why yes, yes I am. How did you guess?

JD: Well, I done gots a sixth sense about these things. How's about I give you twenty bucks to go drill you like West Texas in the bathroom.

LW: Sure.

Jimmy hands her a Jackson, and they go into the bathroom. Five minutes later, the Popeye theme bursts and Jimmy busts out of the bathroom, flexing his muscles.

JD: YEEEEEEHAWWWWWW~!

singing I'll knock you to Venus
When a whore's on mah penis
I'm Jimmy the Cowboy Man!

YEEEEEEHAAAAWWWWWWWW!

ATiaHSwaCahN: You got syphiris! I take pictcha!

JD: I'm back to mah old self! It's time to go and kick some mobster and queer magician ass!

Jimmy runs out of the bar as the scene fades to the LVW logo.

 

[MrWest]

Re: Zane Vs Shadric

(Our favorite cameramen, Terry and Dory are out on assignment again.)


DORY: So, who we got this week?

TERRY: Dog boy....again.

DORY: He's still here???

TERRY: Looks that way.

DORY: Damn. You'd think he'd learn this ain't for him after the way Esposito beat him down last week. Well I guess it's true what they say about teaching old dogs new stuff.

TERRY: Uh...Dory. He really doesn't strike me as that old a dog.

DORY: Wll he's going to end up a dead dog if he keeps stepping into the ring against guys like Carmine Esposito and Ricky Zane.

TERRY: What? You know crap about this Zane guy?

DORY: Not really. But he has to be better than Shadric the Dog Boy.

TERRY: Speaking of which. Any idea where we might find him?

DORY: Who cares? Let's go grab a brew.

TERRY: Sounds good.

(The camera heads off to the bar.)

 

[TSiegel]

Re: Las Vegas Title match El Gordo Grande(c) Vs Eric Mateo

"An' they said it was gon' be fair..."

(Fadein, Erik Mateo in front of an old-fashioned, casino-style version of an LVW backdrop.)

EM: They said he's in it fer' tha' fight...an' ta make himself KNOWN...

When all he turn' out ta be was jes' another P*SSY with ah-cheap shot...

Isn't that right Colt??

(Mateo waves his right index finger in a disapproving manner.)

Ah told-ya before we stepped in tha' ring what it was about fer' meh' comin' ta' this match...an' ya couldn't stand it when it didn't go yer way.

Next time, just skip tha' match altogether an' stamp yer feet like a lil' kid with a tantrum an' get over it.

One way or 'nother...ah beat'cha in that match an' ya know it.

But because Ah'm ah good man 'bout it...ya can stay up this week 'bout half an' hour later than yer usual bedtime ta watch me beat up Spanish Fly.

But ya still don't get'cher dessert.

Now...ontah somethin' more IMPORTANT.

What ah-planned on, when ah walked into this place.

An' that's the cash an' tha' good-lookin' trophies they got waitin' for ya's after tha' fact.

So far....half o' it has been good tah' me.

But ol' Erik was never one ta' go out an' get...well...shhheeeeiiit....what's that ol' Walter was talkin' 'bout ah few days back?? Oh yeah....

"Bling-Bling"

An' YOU...Mister Chicken Dumpling-fer-five-ninety-nine....YOU have it, an' have tha' mos' disturbin' challenge yet...fer' yer' first DEFENSE.

How it was ya' did that...is beyon' me.

But it won't keep me from takin' it from ya...I can promise ya that.

 

[Badnews]

Re: Zane Vs Shadric

(Scene shows Ricky Zane in his in-house interview stage, complete with lighting and a personal camera crew)

ZANE: I asked to be given the world title. Its not much to ask. Its not like the title carries with it a legacy of greatness. It was won by a dopey retard in an equally dopey and retarded title tournement. I am a pateint man, but even my pateince has been stretched to the limits by LVW upper management who are content in just seeing what happens rather than taking some initiative and doing something that can put LVW on the map. So another week goes by, another week where Ricky Zane isn’t the world champion, another box office flop and ratings nightmare, and here I am fighting… a dog. I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when promoters drew up this abortion of a wrestling show. I’m sure they were all sitting around, drool hanging from their scraggly beards, the aroma of cigarettes and failure filling the room, when one mongoloid idiot said “Hey!!! I got it, I have a plan that will SAVE LVW.. lets have Ricky Zane wrestle… a dog.” Now, I’m not sure whos more at fault. The braindead doofus who came up with the idea or the other bookers who didn’t put a bullet in his head when he presented the idea to them. You guys have a money maker, a golden cash cow whos brought riches to even the most inept of federations. I’ve worked in federations run by chimpazees and made BILLIONS for those primates, because even they knew a good thing when they saw it. Within a month Ricky Zane was champ, and Ricky Zane was running the show. I had PPVS in my honor, I did everything to make these federations flourish, which I did. And when I left, so did the fans, the ratings and eventually the company. Wake up upper-management. Take 10 minutes out of your daily whacking off and bologna speed eating contests to DO THE RIGHT THING. Put the belt on the waist of a fitting champion… and since I’m the only wrestler in this organization with championship credentials… (winks) well the storyline writes itself.

ZANE: Now as for Shadric the dog… eh… nevermind.

(FADEOUT)

 

[MrWest]

Re: Zane Vs Shadric

(Shadric rolls in his own crap. The Camera Crew is disgusted.)

DORY: Damn. Look at that f**king freak.

TERRY: Yeah. That's f**king nasty.

DORY: I mean...why...? What's the f**king purpose?

TERRY: I guess it's something dogs f**king do.

DORY: No. Not that. I mean why the f**k is he even f**king here? I mean it's not like he can even f**king wrestle. He can't even put a coherrent f**king thought together. I mean he's a complete f**king loop job.

TERRY: I dunno. I guess he f**king works f**king cheap or f**king something.

DORY: I f**king guess he f**king must.

TERRY: F**k

DORY: Huh?

TERRY: Sorry. I couldn't think of anything else.

DORY: All I know is that it sound like this Zane guy is going to kill him worse than Esposito did last week.

TERRY: Yeah.... Poor mutt.

DORY: What? You feel bad for him?

TERRY: Don't you?

DORY: Hell no. He's a f**king freak. Freaks got no business trying to share the same air as me. I hate f**king freaks.

TERRY: I guess.... But look at him.

DORY: What about him?

TERRY: I dunno. He just looks so happy rolling in his own sh*t like that.

DORY: Good God. You're not going ask mom if you can take him home are you?

TERRY: Um...no.... God no. No way, man.

DORY: Good. Because I get the feeling that he's going to get taken out behind the shed and shot after this week anyway

 

[Mad Dog]

Re: Rp thread Donovan/MIB Vs El Magick-O/Carmine

(FADEIN to Carmine Esposito lying on his stomach with a towel over his lower back on what appears to be a massage table.)

CARMINE ESPOSITO: So everyone has been asking me, “hey Carmine…when is LVW going to give you the respect you deserve”? And “yo Carmine…what’s up with that cowboy as the World champ…what a disgrace”!

Their words…not mine.

See Jimmy Donovan…I heard you out here a couple of weeks ago on LVW Television and you were running your mouth about your opponent…whoever the hell that was…and you made a blanket statement about Italians that I found personally offensive. For those of you at home that don’t remember…because I’m sure you automatically tune out whenever that inbred hillbilly comes out on TV. Roll it.

(CUTTO a clip from the promo Donovan cut against Johnny Doll.)

JD: I know all about them types, them dago sons of *****es who come in and smack hookers around cuz they make fun of 'em for havin' small dicks or bein' too greasy. I never go to a hooker who done frequents guidos, cuz they been done ruined fer life.

JG: That's... how can you make all those ethnic slurs against Italians?

JD: Cuz all them Eye-talians are the same! They eat sauce on everythin' and their breath always reeks a' garlic. An' they...

(CUTTO Carmine lying on the table, looking up at the camera.)

CARMINE: See…this is where my problem sits, Jim-bo. You come out on national television and you defecate on my heritage? You minchione!

And then you have the audacity to talk about my penis size? (Shakes his head.) Donovan...always knew something wasn't right with you...and it explains a lot considering I thought I caught you tryin' to take a look at my manhood at the bathroom urinals last week.

You are indeed a sick sick man.

You overindulge yourself on cheap whores to cover up your male inadequacies and also to give you a piss-poor attempt at covering up your homosexuality. Don’t think I don’t know about salad-tossin’…you sick freak…I do TiVo the Sopranos. You f(BLEEP)in’ finnochio! You seem awfully comfortable talking about such things…as if its second-nature too you. You’re just the same as the wobbly fat f(BLEEP) that got whacked this week for taking it up the scassacazzo on the Sopranos!

I’m glad I get to confront you face to face this week….albeit a tag match with some freak in a Merlin costume…at least I get to showcase my abilities for the world to see. And in the process expose you for being a paper champion and a closet finnoch!

(A beautiful Japanese woman walks into the room and Carmine ceases his comments. She gets right to business and rubs down Carmine’s back. Carmine lays his head down and enjoys the massage.

Moments later a rather large woman enters the room and wheels in a cart with a variety of cosmetic devices. The hefty woman waves the Japanese girl off and stares at Carmine.)

CARMINE: Hey…don’t stop it Yoko. You might have broken up the Beatles…but you know how to make daddy feel just right.

(The large woman straps Carmine’s wrists to the side of the massage table.)

WOMAN: (In a husky accented voice.) Daddy will feel much better after this.

(Carmine tries to jump up when he hears her voice, but to no avail. The woman puts on rubber gloves and begins stirs something in what appears to be a miniature crock-pot. Before she goes further, Jimmy Two Times enters the room.)

CARMINE: YOU BETRAYED ME!!! But why? I was making good on my debt. I was starting to make things happen. Come on, Jimmy…don’t whack me…I don’t wanna go out like this! Not in some cheap health spa strapped to a table with what appears to be Hans Nowak in drag! Come on, Jimmy…I can make things right.

JIMMY TWO TIMES: Shut up, you idiot – you idiot. This isn’t a hit – a hit! This is something I knew you wouldn’t wanna do – wanna do. Carmine…it’s about your marketability…the back hair has to go – to go. You are a potential contender to the World heavyweight championship…act like it and look like it – look like it.

CARMINE: But it’s my identity…it makes me the wonderful person I am today. (Grins nervously.)

JIMMY: Hey, Nowak in drag…do it – do it!

(The large woman begins to apply wax Carmine’s back and Jimmy speaks to the camera while Carmine groans in agony behind him.)

JIMMY: While Carmine handles his business, I want to address another individual in this competition – competition. El Magick-O…let me make something perfectly clear to you…that way I don’t have to repeat myself – repeat myself.

(Jimmy gives an odd look at the camera after his last remark.)

Anyways…if you wanna use my guy Carmine as your assistant…well like everything else…it’s gonna cost ya – gonna cost ya. We don’t chop people up usually unless a meat grinder is involved…capiche – capiche?

And a job of that magnitude is gonna cost you a bundle…more than you could string up in 6 months of performances opening up for your pals Siegfried and Roy – Siegfried and Roy.

As for Donovan, your days reigning on top of LVW are about to come to an end – an end. Our people founded this great city with money from dumb stramaledettos like you who were stupid enough to never know when to quit and walk away while they are still up – are still up. People like you bankrolled this entire town and just like the great Italians in the past did…your gonna bankroll my operation one way or another – another. Unfortunately for you it will come at a hefty price…the LVW World title – title. You can bank on that – on that. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow…but soon…real soon – real soon.

(Carmine screams in the background and starts cursing in Italian. Jimmy shakes his head at Carmine’s misfortune and waves his hand across his throat for the camera to cut.)

(FADE TO BLACK)

 

[irishred]

Re: Rp thread Donovan/MIB Vs El Magick-O/Carmine

Colt walks into the arena with a saddle bag over his shoulder. He is covered in dust. He grabs a booking sheet and walks into his locker room. He throws his saddle bag to the ground, tears the booking sheet into shreds and sits down before looking up at the camera.


Ain't this just a bunch of sh**? I have to team up with the damn world champion against a freaking clown and juvi hall reject. Really ain't this just a bunch of sh**?

I mean come on people. Why in God's name would y'all team me with that silly parody of a "cowboy"? For Pete's sake that greenhorn wouldn't last ten minutes in my world. That silly sum***** doesn't know a gelding from a fillie but he runs around claiming to be a cowboy. Quite frankly he's a worthless as tits on a bull.

But I'm nothing if not loyal. I've been stuck with the piece of dead weight this week so I'll do my best to not let him get his ass kicked. That really shouldn't be a problem though. I mean what the hell kind of damage are David Blaine and Uncle Paulie going to inflict on anyone let alone the world champ and one bad ass hick from the Badlands?

This reminds me of this one time sitting in a bar in Cheyenne Wyoming on the circuit. Now Cheyenne is a rough and tumble kind of town still to this day. So in walks this two damn hippies doing some sort of documentary on the pain inflicted on the animals in the PRCA. These two little city slickers come in and start yammering on about how we were nothing but animal abusers. They went on and on about how we were taking advantage of living beings that couldn't defend themselves. They were even so bold as to say that we were cowards.

Now where I'm from them's fighting words. I rose up and walked up on these two little hippies and you should have seen their pacifist little faces once they realized they had crossed the line. Now I didn't hurt 'em. That just wouldn't be fair. I mean they were at a huge disadvantage. But I did show them just how dangerous a thousand pound animal can be. They sure didn't like being in that pen with that bull. They sure didn't like it at all. But here's the thing...they learned a lesson.

They learned that you simply don't mess with what you don't know. David...Paulie...you two absolutely have no idea what you are messing with this week. But you're gonna find out. You'll find out for sure.

Now go on git that dang camera out of here. I got a shower to take. I've go a hundred miles of trail covering my body.

The camera fades out as Colt begins to strip down for his shower.

 

[Manson]

The Greatest Show in the World

(FADEIN: A large tank of water visible through its glass walls stands on a stage. EL MAGICK-O, soaking wet and wearing a towel, sist on the stage apron. His outfit and mask are orange with yellow suns and comets. He smokes a cigarette as the camera focuses on him from the chest up.)

EL MAGICK-O: That's right. Yeah. (nods head.) Show me the "O". I showed you how to find it last night and then I made it disappear. You got the rabbit out of my hat. Thatttt's it!

(A woman stands up in front of El Magick-O, wiping her mouth with a handerkief and then shakes his hand.)

WOMAN: I'll see you in a few months when my other shows turns 9. He loves magic even more than my other son.

EL MAGICK-O: And it's too bad your husband doesn't like it at all. I'm quite the entertainer.

(He takes out another cigarette and smokes two a once. The woman licks the side of his masked face and walks away. El Magick-O jumps up and pulls up a pair of pants and belts them. His bodysuited calves stick out and you wonder how he got his member out in the first place since there's no fly. he paces up and down in fron the water tank.)

There I was trapped in that tank of water. My feet were cuffed to its ceiling and I was haning upside down out of air. That woman's son and all his friends were yelling for me to suffocate. The cold water momentarily knocked senseless and the lack of air was getting to me.

I had forgotten how to escape. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

I saw myself pulling my first rabbit out of a hat to impress that sixteen year-old girl when I was eleven. I saw myself forgetting to use a condom and then pushing her down those stairs.

I saw myself paying that smart asian chap to take my SAT's for me. I saw myself climbing the Himalayas and learning at the feet of the wise men the arts of magic and illusion.

I saw myself climb to heaven and down into hell. I fought demons and angels. I soared through the future and the past.

I saw myself wrestling. I pinned a God With 60 Arms. I made an Elephant Devil submit to an armbar. And I saw myself pinning Cowboy James Donovan and winning the LVW world heavyweight title.

I saw myself saving the world from evil cowboys and zombies rising up at his command.

I also saw that woman who just went on me flashing me her cleavage. Within moments, I had escaped and we rushed all those young lads out since she owed me some head after I had made my rabbit disappear down her hole all night!

I always escape. I always win....in the end.

There is nothing beyond my reach. I've learned from the greatest mystics...the most sagicious of monks.....and I learned how to wrestle from that Mexican man with a beard who only charged me 23 dollars.

But most of all, no matter what show, I always, always dazzle.

Even in a tag match.

Its just a prelude to my masterufl performace in winning that coveted title.

Everyone else in the match is just my assistant.

But its my show. The greatest show in the world.

 

[The Great Eye]

Shadric Vs Bellmoth

In the battle of the men who have never won, there MUST be a winner.

 

[The Great Eye]

Gumdrops Vs Grande

Rp here pls tks

 

[The Great Eye]

Hans Vs MIB Vs Carmine Vs El Magick-O

One fall to a finish, winner gets World Title shot at the Super Show.

 

[The Great Eye]

Donovan (c) Vs Mateo

The World Champ Vs the Las Vegas Champ. Only the World Title is on the line.

 

[Manson]

House of Cards

(FADEIN: A small fort with a roof and 4 walls, all made form giant playing cards. One's an ace of spades, the other a king of hearts, the next a jack of trumps, and the ceiling is the joker. Smoke rises up from the floor and swamps the entire stage. A shadow appears, then trips over the corner of the house of cards and knock sit all over. He quickly sets it all back up, then hides inside. A minute passes, then EL MAGICK-O bursts forth. He's wearing a top hat and cape with a red bodysuit with blue and green suns and comets. He does a cartwheel and stops in front of the camera. Then he wipes off his brow as if there's sweat and pulls a pack of cigarettes from out of his cape. he lights four and smokes them at the same time.)

EL MAGICK-O: I tell you, folks, when you work a grade school graduation, more than one soccer mom wants to come by and see what you're hiding behind the net. And, hey, I even worse one of those goalie masks so they didn't think they were sleeping with some sleazy magician. Not even when I was nailing 2 of them at the same time!

Of course, one of them might have been a man. Her, his, it..whoever...their voice was deep and I thought I saw an adam's apple, but all the plumbing worked downstairs, and they're doing great things with plastic surgery these days, plus I had drank all that wine.

But who could blame me?

I had just singlehandily won a tag team match all myself and I pinned the LVW World Heavyweight Champion and Cowboy Destoyer of Worlds James Donovan myself! It was like I didn't even have a partner, as it was when I was treading along the Courts of Chaos, battling the demons of lushious darkness with a thin rapier!

And just as my tarot cards told me that night I accidentally drank the LSD-tainted Mountain Dew, I have my chance to correct things. To right a wrong. For I have the chance to win a world title shot.

But more than that, if and when I win, the stars and heavens will be in alignment that I can travel back in time and make it that James Donovan had never won the LVW World Championship in the first place!

Just me! El Magick-O! The world's greatest world heavyweight champion, magician, performer, and occasional survey-taker!

It'll be a whole new world of wonder for everyone!

As for my opponents, yeah, yeah, so I sort of set you all on fire. So what? It was a masterful ploy that helped pin that monstrous James Donovan. You think they're the first people I've set aflame? I've had shows where I've lit entire second grade classes onfire and another one when I severed a gym teacher in half and forgot to put him back together. But that's what you get from drinking too much Guiness the night before.

I suppose I shouldn't have tried to make the alcohol vanish, especially when I'd drinking shots beforehand, but magic is experimentation! Not like experimentation in college when you walk up next to someone of indistinguishable gender in a bear suit, but of wonder and chaos!

That is why i must win. I will win. Even if I have to set you aflame again, or banish you to the world of the 4 winds, or simply place bets on horse races in your names and have the bookies come by to break your ankles.

That normally works when some middle-aged hag keeps coming me, saying she wants some kind of paternity test.

But as World Champion, I'll be above all that.

I'll be opening for Wayne Newton.

 

[TH]

Re: Donovan (c) Vs Mateo

"Wheee doggie, I done got the wool pulled over my eyes thar, didn't I?"

LVW backdrop, title strewn over his shoulder, Cowboy Jimmy Dononvan is cutting a promo!

JD: Well, I done got the rug thar pulled from under me now. El-Magick-O [Editor's note: The "O" is for orgasm!], you got one over one me in a tag match, but when we meet fer real, well, I ain't gonna make the mistake a' gettin' drunk and bangin' hookers the night before. Nope, I'll just stick to the hookers, no boozin' involved 'n such.

See, I been thinkin' 'bout things an' I was wonderin' why I done been in this daze I been in. It's all 'cuz of Fabiola, the best blowjob on both sides a' the Pecos. An' so I was at the bar drinkin' after the match at Hard Eight, and I done got some keen ad-vice. I was sadder than a guy who done lost his left nut after bein' kicked in the jimmies by a mule, and this guy next to me done asked me what was wrong. So I told him, an' you kno what he said?

He said, "Don'tcha worry 'bout a thing, cuz b*tches ain't sh*t."

An' y'know what? He's darn-tootin' right! B*tches ain't sh*t! I shouldn't be worryin' 'bout no hooker. I mean, don't get me wrong here, there ain't nothin' better than feelin' that hooker snatch up against yer piece, but there's millions of hookers out thar. One kicks the bucket an' you just gotta go find another one to suck yer wang. It's that simple.

Now that don't mean our issue is done an' finished now, Mr. Magician. Naw, you still done some purty dastardly things t'me, an' of course, killin' hookers is wrong an' such. But now I sees things clearer now.

Enough about the magic man fer a moment, cuz I gots a challenge on my hands this week. Whee doggie, I gets the Las Vegas Champeen this week, Erik Mateo. When I heard about this match, I was so excited, I almost ran out in the streets and fired mah six shooters in the air, but then I realized that I was buck-ass naked and gettin' pleasured by twin midgets dressed in vinyl 'n lace. But then I heard it was only gon' be mah title on the line, I was so disappointed. It was like payin' fer a Cleveland Steamer an' only gettin' a Dirty Sanchez. If you done lick yer lips, you get a bad taste in yer mouth. I thought I was done gonna get me mah hands on another golden belt.

An' to tell ya the truth, Erik, I'm still madder than a Texas rancher findin' out his son all went Brokeback Mountain on him. I don't think it's all that fair that y'all don't have to put yer belt on the line, so I'm just gonna have to take it out on ya. In fact, I coulda seen you runnin' up to Mr. Dones and whinin' to him like a whore runs to her headmistress an' complains 'bout mah dick makin' her bleed durin' anal and sayin' that she shouldn't hafta pleasure me anymore. Well, I don't like yeller-bellied cowards like that.

Now, I ain't sayin' yer a yeller-bellied coward. In fact, I'mma give you the benefit of the doubt here to come out and say you didn't beg to have yer belt not be on the line. Either way though, I still ain't walkin' outta the Mandalay Bay wit'out kickin' yer faggy bartender ass from pillar to post. An' then maybe I'll head up to yer bar afterwards and pick up all them bar skanks.

'Cuz I ain't been laid for free in a long time, and sometimes, ya gotta switch things up.

Fade

 

[MrWest]

Re: Shadric Vs Bellmoth

(The Camera Crew walks down The Strip, enjoying a bit of leisure time as they head into the holiday weekend.)

TERRY: Hey. Check out that one right there.

(The Camera swings arounf to capture a rather nicely built blonde in short shorts and a halter top.)

DORY: Very nice. Very very nice.

(After lingering for perhaps a moment too long, The Camera swings back around and heads back down the strip.)

DORY: So I guess the Dog Doy is gone, huh?

TERRY: Looks that way. Apparently no one has seen him since split from the arena after passing out on the mat at Hard Eight.

DORY: Good Riddance, the poor sap wasn't made out for the game anyway.

TERRY: Yeah, I guess not.

DORY: And after the beatings that Esposito and Zane laid out on him over the past couple of cards, I can just imagine what Bellmouth would have done to him this week.

TERRY: You're probably right. I just kind of wonder where he is is all.

DORY: Who cares. He's probably laying in a dumpster somewhere.

(Just then a rumbling sound is heard from within the dumpster that the Camera Crew is passing. They stop in thier tracks and glance over at it.)

TERRY: You don't think...?

DORY: I don't even want to know. Let's go.

TERRY: But shouldn't we at least just check?

DORY: No. We should not. He's gone and it's best if he stays gone. Let's go

(The Camera Crew hurriedly continues down The Strip.)

 

[TSiegel]

Re: Donovan (c) Vs Mateo

(Fadein, An LVW backdrop empty except New LVW Las Vegas Champion Erik Mateo sitting on a wooden stool, checkin' out his bracelet.)

EM: Y'know sumthin' there Donovan...it is Donovan right?? 'Cuz see 'round where Ah-come from...only f*ckers named Donovan turn out tah' be fags, so ah jes' wan' be sure 'bout that...anyway...yah' might have somethin' there 'bout whatcha' talkin' 'bout "Switchin' things up'.

See now...usually its' tha' other guy whose runnin' his mouth 'bout how he's gon' do this an' that tah me....an' it occured tah me while ah was drankin'...

Ah don' haveta do much of tha' same thang this time 'round.

You...yer ah-differen' f*cker altogether, nothin' like Chalupa-boy or Mister Nickel-Milimeter.

That...an' from what'cha sayin' tah me after what ah said backstage las' week...

It still don' change ah-thang in how ah'ma do this fight.

'Cuz whether it's yer title or mine that's on tha' line...one thang remains tha' same.

It's ah fight.

Glorified, sure...hey...Ah can count tha' times Ah've been in fight like this on one hand...an' wouldja look tah see what Ah've got 'round my wrist??

(Shows off the Las Vegas title Bracelet.)

Sure is perdy ain't it??

Got this tha' same way Ah got anythan' else in life...by beatin' b*tches up.

An' one thang's fer sure...havin' that there belt you got 'round your waist...'round mine...whose' tah' say that that ain't 'nuff incentive to beat yer ass...but there's ah check waitin' fer meh either way...

So Ah s'pose it's ah bonus fer me, no??

When it comes down to it tho' Donovan...what yer sayin' tah me ain't nothin' diffren' from what those other f*ckers said tah me an' if Ah havetah go on that alone as sumthin' tah think 'bout...then hey...

Consider Sin City mah' house this week, pal.

An' NOBODY walks intah' mah' house an' grabs a pintah' whiskey without me knowin'...not even YOU.

You ain't walkin' outta tha' Man-de-lay Bay without kickin' mah' a** from pill'-tah'-post, well then think 'bout this one before ya look up an' find yer own sister on yer face:

What if Ah don' letcha walk outta Man-de-lay Bay AT ALL??

'Cuz ya know Ah'm can-doit, Ah did it las' week.

An' Ah'm more than willin' tah' do it again.

(Fade)

 

[MrWest]

Re: Shadric Vs Bellmoth

(The Camera focuses on some chicks ass)

DORY: Hey. You get a paycheck this week?

TERRY: Nope.

DORY: Me neither.

TERRY: I just kind of figured it was because we didn't do any work in the last week or so.

DORY: You know that's why people freaking join a union.

TERRY: So they can get paid for not working?

DORY: Well it's not like they gave us an assignment.

TERRY: I guess we could always freelance it.

DORY: Yeah. And then send them a bill. Great idea,

TERRY: So you want to go see if that Dog Boy is still in the trash?

DORY: Nah. Let's go track down Belmouth. I want to follow a winner around for a change.

(Just then a frisbee goes flying by. And right behind it, loping on hands and feet, is Shadrick the Dog Boy. He looks a whole lot better with a few weeks rest since he last took a horrible beating in the ring.)

DORY: Okay, Dog Boy it is then.

TERRY: Whatever get's us paid, right?

DORY: Exactly.

(The camera turns and follows Shadric as he catches the frisbee in his mouth. A bunch of frat boys on summer break start screaming at him and chasing him down the strip as he runs away with their frisbee.)

(THe camera follows at a quick clip)

FTB

 

[TH]

Well I'll be dag-gummed!

Fade into a soundstage at the Mandalay Bay Casino and Hotel in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. Standing there in front of a LVW podium is Cowboy Jimmy Donovan, who can only be seen from the waist up, wearing a long sleeved oxford shirt, bola tie and cowboy hat, with the banner behind him reading "Mandalay Bay proudly sponsors Jimmy Donovan!"

JD: Well howdy e'eryone! For those of y'all who don't know, I'm Jimmy Donovan, an' I'm a 'rassler for Las Vegas 'Rasslin, which is comin' back after a short heye-aye-tus. Now what does that have to do with the fine folks here at Mandalay Bay? Well, I's here to announce that those fine fellers have done gone and decided to sponsor me in the ring! Ain't that grand, y'all? They're gonna give me an extra 5 Gs a match jus' fer wearin' these trunks!

Jimmy holds up a pair of black trunks with "MANDALAY BAY CASINO AND HOTEL" written in big, gold, gaudy lettering on the back.

JD: See? Ain't that purty? An' all I gots to do is wear these e'ertime I 'rassle an' appear in mah 'rasslin garb or appear in public. See?

Donovan comes out from behind the podium, revealing his shirt to be tucked into his wrestling trunks. He turns around and bends over so that everyone can see he's wearing the same ones he just flashed to the crowd.

JD: Ain't those fellers swell? I mean, in a bad economy like this, LVW cain't pay me as much as they used to be able to. An' I was so excited to come back to LVW because I could go back to doin' mah two most favorite things in the whole wide world without the risk a' gettin' in trouble! Bangin' hookers and 'rasslin professionally! But then I got the contract offer, an' I got real sad-like. But the fine folks here, well they done made my day! Yeehaw!

But then I done found out somethin' else that got me feelin' lower than a bow-legged carpenter ant. They ain't lettin' me keep my LVW World Championship! Man, when I found that out, I was angrier than when that Brazilian hooker in Miami gave me chlamydia. I didn't lose mah title in any LVW-sanctioned match! I was outraged, an' I ain't gon' stop bein' outraged until I get mah title back, no matter what I has to do to get it back.

I reckon this week they done put me in the main event against Billy Bellmoth as a test or somethin'. Well, Billy, I understand you some kinda ace poker player. I don't play myself. The only flop I know 'bout is when I go to the 50-and-over brothels and the hookers titties flop all over the place. But I do know that when I get a hold a' you, yer gonna fold quicker than a contortionist on meth.

Yee-haw! Jimmy's back e'eryone! And I ain't stoppin' til I get my gold back! Now, if y'all'll excuse me, I got an appointment with a one-legged blonde over at the new freaky fetish whorehouse. It's my first time with an amputee! HOT DIGGITY!

Jimmy rushes off the stage and exits stage left as the screen fades to the LVW logo.