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Ru's Crew - Big Things Brewin'

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the semi-darkened interior of a store room, boxes, shelves and cabinets being plainly visible on the outskirts of a single cone of light shining on a fold-up card table. Sitting at the head of the table, wearing a black NFW windbreaker and black FUTURESHOCK t-shirt, sits "BEHIND THA LINES" CALVANO "VANNI RU" B. RUBINO. Next to him is TACO, THE CHILEAN GIANT, naked in all but his loincloth and a striped tie hopelessly mangled around his neck, smeared fingerpaintings of green clovers, yellow moons, red baloons and blue diamonds across his massive gut. He's shuffling papers and licking the end of a pencil. POWER MASTER, in all his spazzing glory, sits opposite Ru, who leans into a speakerphone and presses a button.)

Ru: "Okay, Captain Incomparable, you there?"

Captain: "Of course I am, YOU - in your mundanity - might have trouble operating a phone system, but I - of course - am INCOMPARABLE! And anyway, hurry it up, I've only got ten minutes before they send me to the yard for my exercise period."

Ru: "Right right, let me just check in with yoah pahtnah heah, Hernandez! You theah?"

Hernandez: "Hey Chico!"

Ru: "Hey Hatchet, how they treatin' you down theah?" (under his breath) "You enoahmous, arrogant rummy..."

Hernandez: "Hey, survey time chico! Wha's the leetul pink pills again, anabuse or prozac? Cause I theenk the lithiums is green ... I hope they green, I ate, like, forty of 'em las' night. Me an' Kevin go out, I feenish like two bottles of rum, Kevin's leg breaks ..."

Ru: "Okay okay, it's storytime lata, alright? We got business heah. That halfway house they got you in treating you alright?"

Hernandez: "I'm gonna see my kids again, man! They miss their daddy!"

Ru: (pause) "Yeah, I can see they're really flushing yoah system REAL good, theah. Okay, let's get to business. First oahdah, the TV Title Tournament. Now that, in all fairness, did not go precisely as planned. I think we all agree that some work needs to be done to improve in this area, any discussion? Anyone?" (Ru looks around the table as Taco and PM shake their head "no," and the speaker hpone is silent. With his eyes half closed, Ru reaches under the table and produces a hockey stick, which he proceeds to beat viciously against a nearby pile of boxes) "(BLEEP)DAMNIT (BLEEP)DAMNIT (BLEEP)DAMNIT (BLEEP)DAMNIT (BLEEP)DAMNIT I WANTEDTA WIN I WANTEDTA WIN I HATE YOU ALL I HATE YOU HATE YOU (BLEEP0IN' HATE YOU STUPID STUPID!!!" (Ru puts down the stick and returns to his seat, pops his neck and continues to read from the minutes. Taco and PM look lincredibly shocked) "Second oahdah ..."

Hernandez: "You know, chico, they got these wonderful peels, they make you tooooo coool, you know ...?"

Ru: "Cram it boozehound, or I tell yoah wife's divoace lawyer about that Georgia strip club, capice? Next oahdah, the status of Ru's Crew. With one'a ouah guys in a dry shack and the othah guardin' his a-hole from showah shenanigans ..."

Captain: "And I do it - INCOMPARABLY! HA HA HA!" (spits)

Ru: "and NO TV TITLE around NOBODY'S waist, and foah THAT we can thank the big, obese RETAHD foah not payin attention at Impact AND signing me up ta compete in the Tournament inna first place!" (Ru swats Taco over the head with his papers, Taco whines and covers his face) "We'ah in DIAH STRAITS! It's time to INCREASE OUAH numbahs! Along those lines, I've sent out requests ta the New Frontier's TOP STAHS, to see who'd accept the offer to join. Taco, you enoahmous mongoloid putz, you got the cards?"

Taco: (grunts, produces a handful of gray index cards)

Ru: "Okay, gimme the run down. Del Fuerte?" (Taco grunts disappointingly) "Tha hell? Adrenaline?" (Taco grunts, and puts thumbs down) "Bloodhunt?" (Taco holds up a card apparently drenched in urine) "Ugh, who needs him? Mistah Dread?" (Taco flips the bird) "WHAT TH-? F(BLEEP) THAT GUY! Did we get ANY positive responses?" (Taco hands Ru a card, nodding happily) "Billy Gray, hanh? Alright, lemme see this thing ... milk, protein shake, pharmacy, eggs ... this is a shopping list. And he mispelled 'eggs.' Oh foah...!" (He throws the cards in Taco's face, the big man actually doesn't notice at first, and then flinches far too late)

Ru: "Fine, then it's time to do some recruitin' OUTSIDE the NFW ranks. And heaven help tha NFW soopastahs, the big jerks. Ru's Crew is gonna show them tha meaning of RUTHLESS AGGRESSION..."


Ru: "Yeah, RU-thless Aggro-intensity, and they're gonna be sorry they passed the chance to be part'a somethin' great. Inna meantime, let's get to the next oahdah of business," (Ru looks at the paper in his hand), "lessee, 'you have to sleep sometime and then you'ah mine, eeeeeeee' .. .what th- ... oh god" (Ru goes pale) " ... MEETING ADJOURNED! OH CHRIST!"

(Ru flies out of the room, knocking over the table and the speakerphone, leaving Ru's Crew, in all their locales, pondering as the camera FTBs)...

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