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Ru's Crew - Recruiting

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the faux office set of "BEHIND THA LINES" CALVANO B RUBINO, in a black sportscoat over his black jeans and t-shirt, sitting at a desk next to TACO, THE CHILEAN GIANT who's wearing a too-small blazer over his enormous painted belly, as well as reading glasses. Taco pops open a briefcase filled with file folders, and grunts imploringly to Vann Ru as he lays the papers down on the table)

Ru: "Well I'll tell ya, ya big tub'a goo! With ouah new UNDEFEATED STREAK, the Ru's Crew Posse YO is gonna go places and fast! So NOW'S the time to staht lookin' foah FRESH YOUNG TALENT to JOIN tha fastest-risin', hardest-workin' group'a honest joes inna business! With POWAH MASTAH, we got a ticket going from BEHIND THA LINES right to tha WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP, and wit' you, we got -"

(Taco grunts appealingly as Ru stares, dumbfounded)

Ru: "I dunno WHAT we got with you, you big retahd! You could be a tag team all by yoahself. Now let's see the first guy!"

(Taco whines disappointingly, and hands Ru the first dossier)

Ru: "Let's see, Shawn Matthews. Big guy, fast, lotsa powah ? but you know what? VANILLA! BLAND! DULL! SCREW that guy, you know who looks good! His opponent from the House Show, BIG PIMP PAUL! Yeah! Think what we could do with this guy, he's BIG, he's a PIMP! The possibilities are LIMITLESS! We could have him come down to tha ring with a buncha HOOKAHS! It's PURE GOLD! Now let's see who else -"

(Taco shakes his head in disbelief, and hands off the Connection dossier)

Ru: "Tha Connection, you know what? Nevah mind how good they are, never mind their debut at tha House Show, I'll tell ya - They stand foah EVERYTHING I HATE about this bizness! Connections connections connections! It's connections that keep hahd-woakin' wrestlahs from makin' any headway, it's connections that keep no-good backstabbin' pieces a(BLEEP) up in tha Main Event when honest workers can't catch a break, it's connections that keep a GENIUS in tha BOOKIN' DEPAHTMENT undah tha oppression of the network censor! NAKED MIDGETS IS THA FUTURE OF WRESTLIN'! Nah, SCREW the Connection, I got MY eye turned towards THESE guys - (holds up photo) - The SST! Now THERE'S a buncha honest guys, find me this Leroy Brown guy toot suite, you big load!"

(Taco groans miserably and rolls his eyes, then hands a final dossier to Ru)

Ru: "Who's this, Derek Peterson - what kinda gimmick is this supposed to be, some sorta jazzercise instructor or something? What was with that jumpin' jack crap? Nah, F(BLEEP) him, you know health nut characters nevah get ovah without some bimbo wit' fake tits hangin' off their shoulder. He's old trash, any day now. But I tell ya, ya know who's got REAL potential? This BOOBERRY CRUNCH guy! Heah's ATTITUDE! If we can just get him in a BOA and some FACE PAINT, I think - hey, where you goin' you enoahmous mongoloid sonofab(BLEEP)?"

(Taco grunts, gets up shaking his head, and drop his glasses on the table as he walks away, emitting complaining grunts and whines)

Ru: "Shows what YOU know about BOOKING, you landmass full'a LUBBER! Just foah THAT, you ain't GETTING' a belt when Ru's Crew sweeps tha NFW TITLE SCENE! Ya ungrateful schlub!"

(Ru returns to his dossiers, holding up the photo of the dimunitive Booberry Crunch and nodding his head appreciatively, uttering "yeah, yeah" as the camera fades to black ...)

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