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Slambo the Clown vs. Steven Shane w/Ken Cloverleaf



Friends Like You

Slambo The Clown is in his "Thinking Room" on the grounds of Richard Farnswirth's Highland Park Social Club Estate. The make up on his face is old and half worn off and he appears slightly confused and obviously dischevled. Which is to say, he looks normal. He sits on the floor, his back against the padded wall. Around his legs, splayed out on the floor are large photographs of he and his friends. There are group shots of the Highland Park Social Club, some that include Ken Cloverleaf holding the A1E World Heavyweight Championship. Slambo picks up a solo shot of Ken and begins speaking to it.

Where did you go Kenny? Where did you go when you went away from me? Why would you leave the Highland Park Social Club? Why would you leave your friends?

For a long time I thought it was because of me. For a long time I thought that it was because of something I did. And I wanted to make it up to you and show you how sorry I was and show you that I could be a good friend to you if you just let me. I cried and cried and cried and cried and begged for you to come back. I BEGGED for you to come back.

Then Richard told me one day...he told me that it wasn't my fault. That it wasn't my fault that you left. That I didn't do anything wrong. He said...he told me that you left because you didn't like me anymore and that you didn't want to be my friend anymore. He reminded me that friends do things for eachother - nice things. The he asked me,

Slambo mimics Richard's voice with frightening accuracy.

"Slambo, what nice things has Kenny done for you recently?"

And you know what? I couldn't think of any. Not a single one. I tried to hard to be a good friend to you Kenny. I tried real hard to help you keep your title belt and I tried real hard to make you happy. And then as soon as you lost your belt you decided you didn't want to play with me anymore. You decided that you...you were too good for me. Then Chip told me that you even blamed me for it all. You thought that it was my fault and I did too at first, but then Richard and Chip explained to me how selfish you were and how you only cared about yourself and THAT'S NOT BEING A GOOD FRIEND, KENNY! And that's not what the Highland Park Social Club is all about.

So I'm glad you left! And I don't want to be your friend anymore! And I can't believe I EVER wanted to be your friend!

Slambo is absolutely beside himself. His words are forced through thick sobs as he tries very hard to choke back the tears.

And now...now I found out that you went and got yourself a NEW friend and that just makes me so mad Kenny, because all I ever wanted was to be your friend and you just didn't care about me. So now I'm going to hurt your new friend and make him scream and bleed just so I can see the look on your selfish face.

You're not my friend anymore Kenny, and your new friends aren't my friends either. And Steven Shane is gonna find out this week that not being my friend is no fun. It's no fun at all.


League Member
Jun 9, 2004
We open to a shot of downtown Denver. The skyline is ever so impressive with the tall building and the mountainous backdrop. As we stroll through the streets, we see “Sensational” Steven Shane making his way down the sidewalk in a light brown trench coat. He keeps his head down to block out the wind as he begins to speak.

Shane: Some things you just can’t understand.

Paranormal experiences, the magic bullet theory, Ken Cloverleaf’s convenient, non-confrontational talk with Richard Farnswirth as Steven Shane is being rolled up in the ring…

There’s all just really big questions of modern marvel that’ll leave you scratching your head.

Yet once again, the Highland Park Social Club has taken it upon themselves to try and play head games with The Sensational One.

Those of you familiar with my other works might remember the last time they tried such a thing. I’m pretty sure I remember it going something like “a whole lot of cheap wins before Steven Shane hands Dicky and the rest of the Schlubs the beating of a lifetime before they finally quit.”

So now we’re trying to pull the exact same thing.

Is it really coincidence that the moment Ken Cloverleaf decides that he wants to team up to form The World’s Greatest Tag Team again that the Highland Park Social Club decides to pack up and head for EPW?

Is it really coincidence that each and every member of the HPSC makes their EPW debuts against Steven Shane?

If you ask me, sounds like a whole bunch of stuff here in the Empire is becoming a little too coincidental.

Shane looks to the sky with a squint. He lets out a breath, which is clearly seen in the cold air of Denver.

Shane: But yet, Ken Cloverleaf has already made it known that he will be in my corner this week as Steven Shane gets set to take on Slambo the Clown for the first time ever, one-on-one.

At the same time, none of the HPSC members have made it known that they will be at ringside.

Shane gets a puzzled look.

Shane: Now, my early meetings with the Club saw me lose more than my fair share of matches.

And why was that? Because they relied on their numbers to beat a single man.

Yet, here we are as Slambo the Clown tries to make a name for himself in EPW, there is not even a mention of the Club being anywhere near the ring for this one.

And still, Ken Cloverleaf is right there to be by MY side.

If you ask me, my track record when it’s one-on-one with the HPSC speaks for itself. I’ve never needed help before, so why do we need it now?

Regardless, this match is one that I am definitely going to have my eyes on.

Shane looks back to the ground to shield his face from the bitter cold.

Shane: As for Slambo himself…

Quite frankly Slammy, I could give a crap of whether or not I am your friend.

And from what I’m seeing right now, I don’t want to be your friend if you’re capable enough to shroud the truth about whether or not you and Kenny are still “friends”.

What I am going to do this week is show you that friend is something that you will never call Steven Shane.

If you think that the pain and anguish of being the HPSC whipping boy is something to shake a stick at, you’re going to be begging for more of that when I’m through with you.

Your debut here is going to be about as long-lived as a Bob Dole erection without Viagra.

The Highland Park Social Club may have a shot at the tag team titles on the line this week, but after Steven Shane beats the hell out of Slambo the Clown, they’re going to be enjoying their post-match shenanigans in a hospital bed as they wish they never put you opposite Steven Shane inside that EPW ring.

Shane flips his collar up to protect his ears from the cold as he walks past the camera that soon fades out.


You're Confused

Slambo The Clown enjoys a moment of silence in the bowels of the arena before his EPW Onslaught debut. He wears his beloved HPSC cardigan sweater and his black tights with "OUR BEST FRIEND" written down the left leg. His make up is fresh and flawless and a smile rests comfortably on his face. High above him the fans can be heard filing into the arena, but his surroundings are otherwise quiet and Slambo speaks in an eerily even tone.

Steven Shane...I don't think you have any friends. That almost makes me feel sad for you, but when I really think about it, I'm not sure that you deserve to have any friends.

Oh, I know you're a tag team with my old friend Kenny, but I don't think he's your friend. I used to think he was my friend too you know, and we know how that turned out.

And it's a good thing, I think, that you don't have any friends, because from the way you talk I don't think you would even know what to do with them if you did have 'em anyway. You don't know anything about friendship, and maybe that's why my Club hates you so much - because friendship is what the Highland Park Social Club is all about.

If you look at me and see a whipping boy, then you don't get it. And if you think it hurts being part of the best Club in the world with my two best friends then you're either really really really dumb or it's opposite day here in EPW.

All you care about is you, Steven Shane. Why does everyone keep attacking you? Why won't anyone leave you alone? Who's going to be in your corner this week? Who's going to protect you? Who's trying to take something from you?

Selfish. That's all you are is selfish and that's why no one likes you and that's why you're always treading the same water looking to get somewhere else. You want to be better than you are, but you never will be if all you care about is yourself.

But that's for you to deal with - and maybe it would have been that simple. If you had kept your dirty mouth shut I might have just beat you up a little bit this week and then let you go to think about your stupid selfish useless life, but you had to go and talk about my friends. Were you threatening them, Steven? Is that what that was? Well that was a HUGE mistake, buddy. Because now instead of just beating you up I'm going to have to hurt you to make you think long and hard about the things you say about other people's friends just because you don't have any of your own.

Yes Steven Shane, I don't think you know the first thing about REAL friendship, but you're going to learn soon enough. And as far as Chip and Richard are concerned, you don't need to look around the ring for them when the bell rings. Oh, they'll be with me all right, but not the way you might think. My friends are always with me, Steven, which is something I guess you don't understand. I carry my friends with me right here...

Slambo points to his heart.

...and that's more than I'll ever need to beat a friendless loser like you.

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