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So damn Shamilicious!

Mad Dog

Original Gangsta
Jan 1, 2000
(FADE IN to an empty ballet studio. Mirrors surround the room as bright lights hang from above. Shamon, wearing his Beat It apparel with zippers all over the jacket, a surgeon’s mask covering his face, and the ever-present sequins glove, walks into the dancehall and removes his mask. He stares at himself in a mirror and spitzes his blonde gheri-curled locks with activator, does a spin move to drip off the access spray, and grabs his crotch.)

SHAMON: EWWWW…SHHHAAA…SHHHAAA…OWWWW….SHAMON! (Releasing his crotch from his gentle warm touch.)I’m sure all of you people watched BOB and by now you know that the Pro’s stock has risen to new heights! My main man Eddie has secured the Presidency and has named me, Shamon, one of his Cabinet Members! Now this isn’t official and there hasn’t been a press conference about it yet, but it was a tough campaign and I don’t want to overshadow any of Eddie’s hard work.

(Shamon’s cell phone rings to the music of Billie Jean. Shocked that his phone is actually ringing he goes to grab it, but it slips out of his hand, and onto the floor. He picks it up, only to realize it’s an email alert.)

Must be more fan mail. It’s almost sad to see some of these people worshipping me like they do. I know I have developed somewhat of a cult following…but I didn’t think there were actually cults obsessed with me. Truly pathetic…get your own style and stop trying to Xerox what I do! I’m original…don’t you forget it.

(Shamon scrolls through screens on his phone.)

Fan mail, fan mail, ahh hah…new message. (He waits for the screen to open up.) The lineup for On Time. Oh brother…another crappy show for me to raise the ratings on. Who do I have? What? This must be a mistake…Kevin Powers? This is not going to help me get a World title shot. (Shakes his head and a few trickles drip from his hair.) I’ve faced some top notch competition, caused people to lose titles, I have ended careers! Just last week I was at IHOP and the dumb waitress thought she could bring me the wrong order and get away with it. Nuh uh…not when Shamon is the patron! I spoke with the manager and had her ass fired! Don’t mess with me Powers…I’m a maniac! (A brief pause.) Maniac…maniac!

(Shamon goes into a mock Jennifer Beals Flashdance tribute, complete with throwing his jacket onto the floor and stomping in place for no apparent reason. He kicks it in the air out of anger, and then quickly goes to retrieve it to make sure he didn’t break any of the dozens of zippers on it.)

This is vintage, baby. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore, Members Only Special Edition! But enough about that. Kevin Powers, you think you’re so big and bad. You’ve probably already cut a promo on me criticizing my ability and saying how much you’re gonna kick my ass. Well I’m not surprised…you are just like everyone else here in the CSWA…all on Shamon’s tip! (Grabs his crotch and winks at the camera.) You, just like the bottom-feeders in the locker room…are jealous of Shamon and what I have to offer to the wrestling world!

You don’t have moves like Shamon! (Does a moonwalk into a twist, crabs his crotch, kicks one leg out, and dangles it from side to side.) You don’t have the looks of Shamon! Because I have all the groupies! (Gives a smooch to the camera and runs his fingers through his hair, flicking the excess juice onto the cameraman.) Just face it, no matter how hard you try…you will never be on my level. Look at who I’ve been facing lately…and then look at who you have. No question…I am being groomed for a bigger role here in the CSWA. While you are slowly being put out to pasture with all the other old acts. Your days are over and it’s my time to shine…just like my hair in this light! Shamon sprays more activator into his hair.) It’s hard being this damn Shamilicous!

And Kev, what’s with beating up women? Have a little built up hostility towards the female persuasion? Did your momma smack you around? Or just leave you on the footsteps of the crackhouse you grew up at? It’s obviously some deep seeded issue that you need to come clean about. Just let it go…keeping it bottled up inside only makes it worse. Hey, if you want, after I beat the crap out of you at On Time…we can go hang out. Kick back a few Zima’s and get down to the heart of the matter. If you need a shoulder to cry on…I’m here for you, big guy!

(Shamon starts snapping his fingers, holds his gloved hand up to one ear and starts to sing.) Ohhh…do you remember the time…uh…when I beat you up. Do you remember the time…uh…when my fist met your face, boy! Oh…I…Oh I…Oh I…WHOO! UHHH! OH YES! (Does a spin move and a shoulder shimmy, all while mouthing “Who’s bad?” over and over to the camera.)


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