Destruction Has Come...
(CUE UP: “Am I Evil?” by Diamond Head.)
(We’re looking at nothing as the music is building... until we hear heavy breathing that sounds almost like the snarl of a starved Kodiak bear that just burst into a cabin full of tasty schoolchildren.)
(Then as soon as the riff comes in, our shot opens up on... this guy.)
(He immediately assaults our eardrums by shouting at the camera at the top of his lungs.)
Magnus Destructo
COWER, YOU MAGGOTS... FOR THE HARBINGER OF DOOM AND DESTRUCTION HAS RETURNED!!
I AM
MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!
THE
REAL MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!! NOT THAT LARD-ASS IMPOSTER THEY GOT JOBBING OVER IN NEW FRONTIER!!
I AM THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!!
THE DREADED DEVOURER!!
THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS!!
THE FEARSOME BEAST THAT WAS ONCE KNOWN TO HAVE CONSUMED THE GOLDEN CHILD NAMED IMPULSE IN A BLOODY FEAST OF GORE AND CARNAGE AT “EYE FOR AN EYE” TOO-KAY-EHKS!!
AND OF COURSE...
THE UNDEFEATED INAUGURAL ENNH-EHLL-DUBBLE-YOO WORLD OPEN-WEIGHT ABSOLUTE CHAMPION!!
(He holds up what appears to be a large gilded girdle.)
Magnus Destructo
BUT EVEN NEW YORK CITY WAS TOO SMALL TO IMPRISON THE MOST BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMAL TO EVER LAY WASTE IN THE RING!! I DIDN’T JUST TAKE A BITE OF THE BIG APPLE... I DIDN’T JUST EAT IT, EITHER!!
NO... I TOOK THAT APPLE, AND SHOVED IT INTO A PIG’S MOUTH!! THEN I IMPALED THAT PIG WITH A BARBED CARPATHIAN WAR-SPEAR, AND ROASTED IT OVER THE FUNERAL PYRE OF SO MANY FOOLS THAT DARED TO STAND IN THE PATH OF MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!
THEN I ATE THAT PIG WHOLE... WITH THE BIG, STUPID APPLE STILL STUFFED ITS MOUTH!! AND WHEN IT CAME OUT THE OTHER END, IT WAS JUST SHIT, PIG MEAT, AND APPLESAUCE!!
(He sneers over the belt... suddenly seeing it as something unworthy. He hocks up some snot and spits a loogey on the face of the belt, before tossing it somewhere off camera with a loud roar.)
Magnus Destructo
BRRAAAARRGHHH!!
THAT’S WHAT I THINK OF NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! IT WAS JUST AN APPETIZER TO THE MAIN COURSE!!
THE DREADED DEVOURER HAS NO USE IN RULING OVER AN ENTIRE CITY!! EVEN THIS ENTIRE PATHETIC WORLD IS TOO SMALL FOR MY ALL-ENCOMPASSING POWER!!
NO... MY HUNGER WILL NOT BE FED UNTIL MAGNUS DESTRUCTO RULES
THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAWW!!
(He points a finger to the camera, his wild eyes glowing with evil and malice.)
Magnus Destructo
AND FOR THIS REASON, THE BARON OF BRUTALITY HAS COME TO INTERGALACTIC CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!!
I OPENLY CALL FOR THE GREATEST WARRIORS IN THE UNIVERSE TO CRAWL OUT OF THEIR MOTHERS’ VAGINAS AND GET THEIR WEAK ASSES IN THE RING... WHEREUPON THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS WILL
SLAUGHTER THEM LIKE SWOLLEN BOVINE THROWN THROUGH WOODCHIPPERS!! IT MATTERS NOT IF YOU ARE BRAVE... COWARDLY... STRONG... WEAK... THE DREADED DEVOURER WILL INEVITABLY CONSUME
ALL OF EXISTENCE!!
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO THIS PHIL ATKEN GUY IS... BUT IF HE HAS ANY BRAINS, HE WILL TAKE THAT BELT OF HIS AND SHIP IT ON OVER TO THE KEEP OF ETERNAL DARKNESS, CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS COUNTY, NEW JERSEY, UNLESS HE WANTS ME TO RIP HIS GODDAMN SPINE OUT OF HIS ASSHOLE!!
FUCK THE ATKEN’S DIET!! I LIVE OFF OF NOTHING BUT CLOVEN-HOOFED LIVESTOCK AND MANFLESH, AND LOOK AT ME!! I’M A GODDAMN SEXUAL EATER OF GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUSES!!
(At some point, a production assistant slips into the frame to whisper something into Destructo’s ear. The Baron of Brutality reacts by grabbing the poor guy by the collar of his shirt and pulls him within inches of his face.)
Magnus Destructo
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I HAVE A FIVE-HUNDRED WORD LIMIT!?! YOU CAN’T PUT A LIMIT ON THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF FURY THAT IS
MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!
GGRRRRRAAAAAAGGHHH!!!
(Roaring like a banshee, Destructo heaves the production assistant out of the shot with a Gorilla Press. We can hear him crashing violently off camera. Magnus, meanwhile, lunges at the camera and yanks it savagely off the tripod. His ferocious and horrific sneer fills the entire shot.)
Magnus Destructo
I’M COMING FOR YOU, PHIL ATKEN!! I’M COMING TO RIP YOUR FACE OFF, AND USE IT TO WIPE THE APPLESAUCE OUT OF MY ASS!!
BRACE YOURSELF, INTERGALACTIC CHAMPIONSHIP... FOR DESTRUCTION HAS COME TO THE COSMOS!!
(The shot whizzes by in a blur as Destructo hurls the camera across the set with an animalistic roar. As it hits the floor, the shot cuts to static.)