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Standing proud

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the burly MEN OF ADVENTURE as they sit on a proud sailing vessel amidst a stormy sea ... okay, they're sitting on plastic cafeteria chairs in front of a bluescreen of a proud ship on a raging sea, and someone's spritzing them with a spray bottle. But the ILLUSION is ALMOST perfect! In full trapper regalia - except John is wearing an orange lifevest - BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS and "IRON JOHN" WAITS are talking as the camera ... I mean, "as the boat" ... rocks and sways around them ...)

Tom: "So I was thinking of changing it to "Iron Ben," you know? It makes more sense. Or maybe Big Ben, something with Ben. I don't know where the 'Tom' thing comes from ..."

John: "DENIED!" (He slaps his thigh) "Next order of business, man!"

Tom: "Fair enough! Tell me John, do you remember that courier we held captive in our mountain cabin and tied to the rafters and then we got completely smashed on corn liquor and blacked out and he was screaming and the next day where we kept him tied up there was just this gray, greasy smear and we couldn't remember what happened?"

John: "...No."

Tom: "Well, exciting news! It turns out he was bringing us OFFICIAL confirmation of an upcoming CSWA match against the team called The New Suicide Squad! I found the letter in a puddle of dried blood out on the back steps!"

John: "Ho HO! SUICIDE Squad? This will be our easiest match EVER! All we have to do is wait for them to snuff their own lives, and we EMERGE VICTORIOUS!"

Tom: "Ho HO, I mean, wait John. At first, I considered that very possibility myself, however on further reflection I have begun to suspect deeper meaning within their moniker. I looked it up and everything."

John: "Isn't it just a football term, Tom?"


John: "WELL PLAYED, I'm CONVINCED! Now explain!"

Tom: "Think about it, John? What gross act of fiendish nefariousness is most associated with concept of a group dedicated to acts of self-termination? What tactics involving such a group have most recently been terrorizing the common, decent, peaceful citizens of this world with their unspeakable evil? What indeed, I'LL SURE AS HELL TELL YOU, JOHN! The Suicide Squad, curse their greasy brown eyebrows, ARE TERRORISTS!"

John: (pause, considering) "By Odin's stained gym socks, I believe you're right, Tom." (They both stand, looking proudly into the distance as the American National Anthem starts to play) "What can men such as we, simple mountaineers and Men of Adventure, hope to do against the New Suicide Squad, greatest evil of this modern world? For one thing, we can turn these F(BLEEP)s inside out and SKULL-F(BLEEP) them with barbed wire! We're the G(BLEEP)DAM MEN OF ADVENTURE, and WE stand united against the forces of greasy pagan hatefulness such as this modern, dandified world has let loose amidst their numbers! Even as the New Suicide Squad's swarthy, brown, opium-stained fingertips tap together in sinister collusion, twirling their dark handlebar mustaches and drinking big draughts of baby blood, we STAND AGAINST THEM! Do you hear us, New Suicide Squad? We are twin towers against whom your nasty-ass hijacked plane of heathen terror cannot fell! We rally behind our proud cry of unity, GO BACK TO FOREIGNIA, FOREIGNERS!"

Tom: "We're from Canada."

John: "Good Christ! RHINO STAMPEDE!"

(CUTTO clip footage of a dusty savannah upon which hundreds of rhinoceri stampede, kicking up a tremendous dust cloud. The MoA V/O screams and bellows. CUTTO the MoA standing back on their boat, their clothes slightly disshevelled and Tom's Coonskin cap off-kilter covering his eyes. A bucketful of water splashes them from off-camera)

Tom: "I CAN'T SEE! My eyes must have gone numb!"

John: "HO HO! But MINE eyes are unwooled! We see you for what you are, New Suicide Squad, and it now our duty as TRUE Men of Adventure and the ONLY REAL MANLY MEN in this federation - if not this world - to stop your insidious evil! And we will DO so at On Time in Portland! Truly, New Suicide Squad, if nature's most pointy animal could not stop the Men of Adventure, what chance do you and your hateful made-up monkey god think YOU have? HO HO!"

Tom: "Ho ho! Can I get one of those special dogs, John?"


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