LQJT86C
Where's my money, Chad?
(FADEIN: Day time, Morris Avenue, Bronx, N.Y. The sound of wheels stumbling along cracked pavement can be heard as a laundry cart comes into view, sporting maybe a dozen neatly pressed t-shirts hanging in plastic covers. PROBLEM CHILD pushes the cart up to the steps of his apartment and turns to greet the camera with a smile and a new haircut. Sweat and gel glimmers from the top of his short-spiked hair, down to the rat-tail on the back of his neck. It's the 1991 evolution of the mullet, and he's brought it back in style. His hand wipes back across his spiked top, fingers flick the sweat to the ground.)
PC: Here we are again, seven years since the last time. It's been that long boys and girls, yes it has. Seven years since any of you last saw me handing out beatdowns, whether it was in Greensboro, the Mid-Atlantic, or small town, Podunk, Bumblef*ck USA. If there was pay to be made, tickets to be sold, or minds to corrupt, PC was more game than the Parker Brothers. Fast forward to last week: I was just a welfare check away from being an E! True Hollywood story when who do I see on cable? Troy Windham. See, that's what old friends do for each other. When your best bro from days yonder is broke and in need of a fix, you need to be there with a $55 check and a chance to be a star working 285 days a year in Maine. And believe me, when Troy checks his voice messaging system which I filled up over the weekend, or responds to one of the 418 e-mails I sent from two different accounts, he'll know how appreciative his old buddy is of the opportunity his secretaries gave me to finally earn a pay check that wasn't signed by the federal government. As much as I was getting used to the sweet nectar of government cheese, it's nice to be able to treat myself to five star dining courtesy of Elmo's Fried Chicken Shack. And I'm not talking about the $3.99 two-piece with mashed potatoes, either No, I went to town on Meal Box #5, the $12.99 5 piece with 3 biscuits, a corn on the cob, and a family size portion of mashed potatoes.
Because in this neighborhood, you have to have a little class. You have to dine like a gentleman. (Nods at his t-shirts) You have to dress like a champion. And always remember: in the Bronx, if you've met a girl who hasn't been to either Rape Victims Anonymous meetings or a Planned Parenthood clinic, that's the special little lady you bring home to mom. That is, assuming mom isn't passed out or dead.
(CUEUP: "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying?)" by Megadeth)
PC: By the way, did you see what I just brought back from the dryers? Oh, I didn't show you this? ... What is it? Oh well, only the finest collection of Megadeth t-shirts in all the world! Why, check out this vintage Mechanix screaming skull silver and black t-shirt, signed by the master of metal himself, Dave Mustaine! Ooooh, here we have a Peace Sells tee! Here's an oldie but goodie: your basic Megadeth skull and crossbones in sunglasses (turns it over)...oh and what's this? Oh yeah, that's right, it was signed by the whole F*CKING band! You know what, why am I sitting here wasting my time with you people? I'm the new face of this franchise. I'm the sh*t. I'm best friends with Troy Windham. Oh by the way, Troy...CHECK YOUR E-MAILS BRO! I'm tired of sending 'em! So to the people at home watching: get a life. You've had your fill of PC for the day. In the meantime, I need to get these f*ckers upstairs and into my closet. You know why? Because I take proper care of my Megadeth t-shirts, that's why. Unlike some fans, who just wear their sh*t wherever, whenever, getting it ripped, frayed, whatever...I take care of my prized possessions. Now if you'll excuse me!
(FADE OUT as the song ends with Mustaine's V/O: PEACE SEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSS!!!!)
PC: Here we are again, seven years since the last time. It's been that long boys and girls, yes it has. Seven years since any of you last saw me handing out beatdowns, whether it was in Greensboro, the Mid-Atlantic, or small town, Podunk, Bumblef*ck USA. If there was pay to be made, tickets to be sold, or minds to corrupt, PC was more game than the Parker Brothers. Fast forward to last week: I was just a welfare check away from being an E! True Hollywood story when who do I see on cable? Troy Windham. See, that's what old friends do for each other. When your best bro from days yonder is broke and in need of a fix, you need to be there with a $55 check and a chance to be a star working 285 days a year in Maine. And believe me, when Troy checks his voice messaging system which I filled up over the weekend, or responds to one of the 418 e-mails I sent from two different accounts, he'll know how appreciative his old buddy is of the opportunity his secretaries gave me to finally earn a pay check that wasn't signed by the federal government. As much as I was getting used to the sweet nectar of government cheese, it's nice to be able to treat myself to five star dining courtesy of Elmo's Fried Chicken Shack. And I'm not talking about the $3.99 two-piece with mashed potatoes, either No, I went to town on Meal Box #5, the $12.99 5 piece with 3 biscuits, a corn on the cob, and a family size portion of mashed potatoes.
Because in this neighborhood, you have to have a little class. You have to dine like a gentleman. (Nods at his t-shirts) You have to dress like a champion. And always remember: in the Bronx, if you've met a girl who hasn't been to either Rape Victims Anonymous meetings or a Planned Parenthood clinic, that's the special little lady you bring home to mom. That is, assuming mom isn't passed out or dead.
(CUEUP: "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying?)" by Megadeth)
PC: By the way, did you see what I just brought back from the dryers? Oh, I didn't show you this? ... What is it? Oh well, only the finest collection of Megadeth t-shirts in all the world! Why, check out this vintage Mechanix screaming skull silver and black t-shirt, signed by the master of metal himself, Dave Mustaine! Ooooh, here we have a Peace Sells tee! Here's an oldie but goodie: your basic Megadeth skull and crossbones in sunglasses (turns it over)...oh and what's this? Oh yeah, that's right, it was signed by the whole F*CKING band! You know what, why am I sitting here wasting my time with you people? I'm the new face of this franchise. I'm the sh*t. I'm best friends with Troy Windham. Oh by the way, Troy...CHECK YOUR E-MAILS BRO! I'm tired of sending 'em! So to the people at home watching: get a life. You've had your fill of PC for the day. In the meantime, I need to get these f*ckers upstairs and into my closet. You know why? Because I take proper care of my Megadeth t-shirts, that's why. Unlike some fans, who just wear their sh*t wherever, whenever, getting it ripped, frayed, whatever...I take care of my prized possessions. Now if you'll excuse me!
(FADE OUT as the song ends with Mustaine's V/O: PEACE SEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSS!!!!)