Television Championship: Black v Cruise (c)

[TheOriginalSE]

All RP for the TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP match between ERIK BLACK and CAMERON CRUISE (c) at New ERA Destrucity II should be posted in this thread.

* For storyline purposes, this match is happening on the same day as EPW Aggression 50 and Sin City Showdown.

The RP Deadline is JANUARY 31 @ 11:59pm PST.

All angles should be sent to neweraofwrestling@gmail.com

... enjoy!

 

[RStrawsma]

Fear and Loathing in Lebanon

(FADE IN: B-roll footage of people walking the streets of New York City in protest of the Iraq War. The tune of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music plays as flecks of animated blood splash onto a black backdrop. Eventually, a single quote appears on the screen.)

"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
--Dr. Johnson

"The Druid" Erik Black V/O
We were somewhere around Barstow... on the edge of the desert... when the drugs began to talk hold.

(CUT TO: "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK behind the wheel of a bright red Chevy Impala, top down, speeding down a lone highway stretching through the endless horizon of Death Valley. He's adorned in a floral print shirt, white sun hat, and orange sunglasses, with a joint in a cigarette holder clenched between his teeth. Over in the passenger side, reclined in the sun, is his accomplice, whom we'll just call "Samoan".)

(Professional wrestling's own psychedelic aficionado is suddenly alerted by a tumult of high-pitched shrieks coming out of the sky. In the reflection of his shades, one could see the flapping wings of flying rodents.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
HOLY ODIN, WHAT ARE THESE GODDAMN ANIMALS?!

Samoan
Huh?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Uh, nevermind... you'll see them for yourself soon enough, you poor bastard.

Samoan
Ehh...

"The Druid" Erik Black
Is that a hitchhiker up ahead, or am I still just hallucinating things?

(The Impala screeches to a halt as it comes to a random wrestling fanboy with a Destrucity II shirt waiting by the side of the road with a bag slung over his shoulder. With a ride finally having come, he hurries over to the car where the stoner wrestling superstar eyes him suspiciously.)

Hitchhiker
Holy crap... I know you! You're "The Druid" Erik Black!

"The Druid" Erik Black
That's what they call me on this planet anyway...

Hitchhiker
I guess you guys are on the way to Las Vegas, then? Man, that's some luck... I was on my way over there with a ticket to see Destrucity II!

(Somewhat incredulously, Black turns to the other passenger for verification.)

Samoan
As your attorney, I should remind you that going to Las Vegas was the original point of this trip.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Of course... how foolish of me.

Hitchhiker
Hot damn, I've never ridden with a professional wrestler before!

(The Druid gazes back at the young hitchhiker with a fiery glint in his eye.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Is that right? Well... I guess you're about ready then, aren't you!

Samoan
We're your friends. We're not like the others, man... really.

(Black shoots his "attorney" a warning glance.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
No more of that talk, or I'll put the fu[/i]cking leashes on you, you understand?!

Samoan
Heh heh...

(Black looks back to the hitchhiker, now looking a tad unsure if he should accept this offer for a ride. But he can't resist the almost demon-like grin that forms on the face of the Druid.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Get in...

(CUT TO: Some time later, on a similar-looking stretch of road. The "Samoan" is behind the wheel now, only half-consciously paying attention to the road, music by Kyuss blaring through the radio. In the back seat, the hitchhiker sits without touching anything or making any sudden movements, fearful that it might draw the attention of his hosts. Up in the passenger seat, Erik Black takes a puff off his joint and passes it to the back...)

Hitchhiker
No thanks... I have asthma.

(Instead, Black hands it off to his "attorney" behind the wheel. He goes back to muttering to himself, before he catches the glance of the hitchhiker through the rearview mirror. With what one could call a decisive nod, he turns in his seat to speak directly to his guest.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Alright, listen... there's one thing you should probably understand.

Can you hear me?! Good!

(Black hops in the back and throws his arm around the noticeably uncomfortable fanboy, puffing away on yet another joint that just happened to materialize in the Druid's hand.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
This is a very important match I'm heading to. I mean... sure, the Television Title is at stake, but it's important on a much deeper level than that.

This is the biggest Pay Per View exposure I've had since I was a tag team prodigy years back. I've got some things I'm bringing with me to the ring -- not mescaline, mind you, but something along the lines of that mindset -- and with the amount of eyes that will be on me as I perform one reality-defying stunt after the other... well, there's a good chance that I could change the face of the entire planet in this single match.

By Odin's beard, could you IMAGINE if I'd actually walk out of that ring with the strap?!
I mean, think about it... a ranting and raving stoner like me spreading my out-of-this-world philosophy to the masses through way of television!?

I have every reason to believe the human race could go insane overnight... but hey, that probably ain't a bad thing, compared to the monotony it goes through on a daily basis...

Samoan
OH JESUS CHRIST!!

(Without warning, the "attorney" behind the wheel begins panicking and swerving left and right down the highway, his free hand blindly flailing away at the air above him. The hitchhiker, in a panic, nearly jumps from the car, but Black grabs him around the waist and yanks him back into his seat.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Don't worry... he's just finally seeing those damn winged things. Can't be too safe driving through Bat Country on your way to Las Vegas with a cornucopia of psychedelics in the trunk. But you can trust him... because he's a professional. A lawyer, in fact. He claims to be my attorney, even though I can't remember meeting him before. There's a good chance I have no idea who he is or whose car this is, but that's neither here nor there.

This Cameron Cruise guy... he hands out these Reality Checks left and right as if he were doing the world a favor by imposing his egoistic worldview upon everyone else. But I've done enough shrooms in my life to understand that "reality" is a very overrated concept. People say I do drugs to escape reality... and to them I say, "No, dumbasses, I do drugs to enhance my perception of it."

Are you following me here?!

(The hitchhiker looks dumbfounded and can't even manage to choke a response. Black takes another drag off the joint and just keeps on rolling.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Here's a "reality check" for Cameron Cruise... I was tripping on acid the other day when I came to the theory -- or perhaps the realization -- that none of us are "real" to begin with. What I mean is... I think we're all just fictionalized interpretations, conceived by a bunch of basement-virgins who like to pretend to be wrestlers without actually being wrestlers. So they make up people like you, me, and Cruise, meet on the internet, and pit them against each other like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

I know this, cause I'm pretty sure I sold a bag of weed to the guy that writes my promos...

(I told you not to tell anybody about that!)

"The Druid" Erik Black
You see, "reality" is just one man's vision of the world around him. In Cameron Cruise's version of reality, winning titles validates your existence. But that's the call of a material man. I mean, if Cameron Cruise didn't have the Television Title... what would he be? Just another tights-wearing stooge with an opinion nobody wants to listen to.

But me? Well, I don't need titles to define who I am. I could walk out of this match the winner or loser... the result is up to the whim of the all-encompassing universe around us. But even if I walk away empty handed, it will make little difference. I'm one of the hottest and most in-demand stars in the sport right now, not because I'm kicking ass and taking names... but simply because I think and wrestle differently from all the other generic meatheads in that locker room. Fans see that, and that's why they come to watch me.

That's why YOU'RE coming to watch ME... RIGHT?!

Hitchhiker
Uh... whatever you say.

"The Druid" Erik Black
See, it's not about win-loss records and trophy cases with me. I get more of a reward just walking into that ring and pulling off some sick-ass flipping corkscrew senton splash through a stack of flaming tables, as opposed pursuing the same-old hopeless quest at proving myself "DAH BEST EVAH!!" by putting a forgettable ten pounds of painted tin around my waist.

This match is different. This is going to be a classic reaffirmation of everything right and true in the national territory... a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country... but only for those with true grit.

(Black leans in so that he's only inches away from the terrified hitchhiker's face.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
And we are CHOCK FULL OF THAT, man!

Samoan
Damn, right!

"The Druid" Erik Black
My so-called attorney understands this, despite his racial handicap. DO YOU?!

Hitchhiker
Uh, sure...

"The Druid" Erik Black
Hm, so you say... but there are a lot of people in that locker room -- like my opponent, no doubt -- who don't understand. Then again, a lot of people -- again, including my opponent -- don't do drugs, so I suppose they'll never understand it.

But they don't have to understand. The only thing I ask from my doubters is that they sit back and witness my message there in the ring. Maybe Cruise has enough to outlast me. I mean, the guy is an opportunist. But if he can't, then well... I guess New ERA of Wrestling is just going to have to cope with having my stoner brilliance being broadcast through every television at home at every televised event. I can't tell you yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because the average human being isn't prepare to have his mind-expanded.

But the Universe doesn't judge between good or bad, so however it comes out... I can only hope you're prepared for the aftermath.

Hitchhiker
...you guys think you can pull me over? I think I'd rather travel through an endless desert than ride with you guys the rest of the way.

"The Druid" Erik Black
No need. I've got the perfect emergency exit: I'm going to Frankenstein you out of this moving car, and you'll land harmlessly in a pile of brush at the side of the road.

Hitchhiker
WHAT?! You can't do that! That's impossible!

(With his stoner intentions faced with doubt, Black's brow furrows over.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Like I said... I defy the limits of everything you call "real" in this world! I make the impossible possible... or at least seem that way, through the use of psychoactive substances.

Now are you going to stand up and get ready to make this happen, or are we going to have to do this the hard way!

Samoan
AHH, JESUS!!

(Again lashing out unexpectedly, the "attorney" swerves the car over to the side of the road, where it screeches to a halt.)

Samoan
My medicine...!

"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh, medicine, right!

(The Druid hops back into the front seat and begins rummaging through the glove compartment.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Don't worry... this man just has a bad heart. Promomaximus Johndoeus. His circulatory system shuts down every time he comes into the vicinity of a John Doe promo. I guess that means we're close...

(As Black finds a vial of pills, the hitchhiker uses the opportunity to hop out of the back of the car and make a beeline in the other direction down the road. As he runs, Black sits up and calls out after him.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
See ya in the "Real World", kid! Be sure not to go BLIND when you look into the rays of the new Stoner Sun rising! HA HA!!

...fuck... I'm gonna miss him.

(Black turns back in his seat to see the driver, having recollected himself, pulling an unloaded revolver out of a brown paper bag and pulling the trigger repeatedly as he points it in the air.)

Samoan
That bastard, John Doe! When I find him, I'm going to rip his lungs out and eat them!

"The Druid" Erik Black
Scoot over, you fat bastard! We have to get to Las Vegas before those bats come back!

(Swatting at nothing flying around his head with a flyswatter, Black jumps over into the driver's seat, starts up the engine, and pulls off. The road sign they burn by reads "Las Vegas - 42 miles. Somebody's sprayed a zero at the end of the numerical digit in red paint. This fades to the Druid's cannabis logo, before going to black.)

420

 

[TSiegel]

Re: Fear and Loathing in Lebanon

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise on a New Era Destrucity II backdrop, dressed in black jeans and a blue New Era T-shirt and matching Anarchy-style shades, the New Era Television Championship slung over his left shoulder.With a tired look on his face he smiles.)

CRUISE: Well now, wouldja lookit-that-there. By the looks of that red light on that camera on me right now it seems to me that New Era still has an audience.

Why do I say this?

Simple...those of us that ARE awake without the heightened inhibitions of illegal substances would rather either use the bathroom, find another recreational activity to occupy our time or just plain go back and get some extra needed rest....than to contemplate or ponder just what the newest incarnation of Jerry Garcia might say next. I say this not because I'm a man that's drug free or against the use of it but because...well....

I really would consider giving John Doe a re-match than to sit here and listen to you babble on about God-knows-what.

See, "reality" might not be the best motivation for having a good life but the fact of the matter is this: It is what it is.

Robin Williams said it best when he said made mention about an Olympian getting penalized for using Marijuana, even calling it a Performance-ENHANCER

Now, being an addict or former addict myself.....Marijuana isn't exactly on the lists of things that I could use for personal reference when I make known what I think on the subject of Marijuana use in Professional Sports.

But I know a guy.

Boogie Smallz....dunno if you might've heard of him or not, but he started out in a team called the "Disco Express".

(Cruise shrugs)

Dunno where he could possibly be now-a-days....but then again I suppose smoking blunts and rolling down the street, with Gin and Juice might play a factor....I'm JUST SAYING.

But you can't tell me that you think you know what I like to perceive in my "reality", Erik, because the fact of the matter is your idea of fun is not even participating in EVERYONE ELSE'S.

I mean...really, in my "reality"...unlike yours...the sky is blue, the grass is green and yes, the water is wet and believe me when I tell you....I know because Boogie told me once...funyuns, cheetos, and Doritos are the greatest inventions this earth has ever known.

But it's the factor that you seem to forget that the be-all-end-all of my participation in this business is to be THE BEST this place has to offer.

Now per this extent of the company....at this point I AM The Best this company has to offer without being the World Heavyweight Champion, and I intend to stay that way for quite a long time.

Having this title though....while it's nice looking, it's not the sole reason of my being in this company, but it does represent the fact that I am one of the top tier Wrestlers this company has to offer.

And I like that.

See, you like to speak about how there's spirits and entities and how it is that the universe wants you to either be the winner or the loser, blah, blah, blah, yackety, smackety....first off....take a minute and have a nice glass of orange juice.

Secondly....let's think about this for a second about what you said.

Spiritually and universally speaking....you can say all the prayers you want.

Take in Christianity....turn Catholic....go to Church and speak with a Priest and make a deal for Lent next month on Ash Wednesday.

Heck, you could even take a walk on the wild side and even turn Jewish and break Challah Bread with the locals, or if this were to take place in April you might serve with them over Passover.

But then you could always turn Muslim and drop to your knees and take a moment for Allah.

Either way, it doesn't really which one you decide on, if you walk to that ring and do nothing to defend yourself then all the spirits, all the universal "mumbo-jumbo" that you speak of is pretty much shit isn't it? Granted, there was already one movie that was made over the concept of a "God" being proved wrong; being proved "fallible"....and it was actually pretty good, even if it did include a rubber "Poop Monster", as the director called it.

You wake up not only the loser and without the New Era Television Champion, but now a suddenly shaken sense of what to believe.

'Course then there's the whole..."I'm-better-than-you-and-more-popular-which-is-why-New-Era-wants-me-to-represent-them-and-not-you-in-the-Wargames-match-against-Empire-Pro"....

But why go the "na-nana-na-na" route??

Jean Rabesque tried that once and clearly that didn't work.

I came into this business by wanting to be the best at what men like you and I do, and having a man in black and white striped shirts declare myself the victor proves just that. I don't have to come out and start"pulling off some sick-ass flipping corkscrew senton splash through a stack of flaming tables"....

I just have to either pin your shoulders to the mat for three seconds or make you hurt so bad that you beg that same black-and-white-striped-shirted man to make me let go so you can take your carcass back to the lockerroom with your tail between your legs.

Nothing about understanding what it's like to be under the influence of substances really holds water in that bucket, now does that, Erik???

So I'll tell you what.

I'm going to go ahead and get things started in my training, though I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up finishing with "Cheech and Chong's Up In Smoke" and "Half-Baked", but it's not quite time to leave yet, so maybe I might get a chance for a quick nap.

Whether or not you choose to believe THAT....well then that might just be a REALITY CHECK that you just....won't like.

FADEOUT

 

[RStrawsma]

(FADE IN: Within a Las Vegas hotel suite. The place looks absolutely trashed, with furniture knocked over and the walls displaying a collage of various-colored splatters. On the TV, a fuzzed-out newsreel of scenes from the conflict in the Middle East play through, the buzz of bombs dropping in the background. Amid the piles of sliced grapefruits and half-eaten glazed hams, a body apparently rests face-down under a veil of sheets.)

(SFX: *Knock-knock!*)

(Violently jerking himself from slumber, "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK bolts to an upright position, briefly revealing to the camera his wide-eyed expression of realization, along with the "Z" invariably carved into his forehead with a knife.)

(...okay, maybe not carved, but definitely markered on in red.)

(SFX: *Knock-knock-knock-knock!*)

Voice on the Other Side
Mr. Black??

(Getting ahold of the situation, Black pops to his feet and storms over to the door. He checks the spyhole briefly before opening it a crack. Grinning back at him on the other side is New ERA of Wrestling's own field reporter, Sam Baxter.)

Sam Baxter
Hi, Mr. Black! I'm Sam Baxter... your reporter?

(Black, in only a bathrobe and a pair of jeans barely able to hang on to his slightly bloated hipline, swings the door open the rest of the way and greets the man with the microphone with a gruff observation.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
...you're not Portuguese!

Sam Baxter
Uh... huh?

(Black turns his attention away from the reporter for the moment, briefly rummaging through his surroundings for clues as to where the previous night went. Baxter walks in, trying to keep up the conversation.)

Sam Baxter
So, Erik... you hyped for Destrucity II? You wouldn't believe the fan turnout for this event! We've got fans from all over the country coming in to witness New ERA's return Pay Per View spectacle!

California, Minnesota... even Alabama... Florida...

(Black briefly looks back to the reporter, who happens to be standing right next to his TV, still showing warfare footage and turned up rather loud. For a minute, he sees a smoke-hazed warzone, and Sam Baxter as an insanely grinning soldier in fatigues screaming incoherent battle cries.)

(SFX: *BOOM!!*)

Sam Baxter
UTAAHHH...

INDIANAAAHHHH...

(SFX: *FFFSSHHWW--BOOM!! BOOOM!!*)

Sam Baxter
CANADAAAHHH...

Olvir Arsvinnar
SCANDINAVIAAAAHHH...

(Out of the promo, Olvir.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH!!

"The Druid" Erik Black
DUDE!! Did you just see that VIKING standing there?!

(The camera flashes back to Sam Baxter, who stands somewhere between shock and confusion. He even checks over his shoulder to ensure that no seven-foot tall Viking wielding a battle axe is or ever was standing there, and looks back to Erik with a grimaced response.)

Sam Baxter
Um... no?

"The Druid" Erik Black
...GOOD! You answered correctly. I was just testing you...

(Black goes back to searching the trashed hotel suite... looking for either his keys or his bag.)

Sam Baxter
Did you, uh... want to do this later?

(At this point, Black notices the numerous room service bills taped onto the mirror. He looks at the various tabs and the color drains from his face.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh, that Samoan bastard... he bailed on me again!

(He twirls around, nearly throwing himself off balance and wiping out completely, but maintains his balance and approaches the reporter again.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Tell you what, bromangous... let's do this the old-school way... down at the arena, right in front of the traditional backdrop. Shit, dude, I'll even give you some camera time!

Sam Baxter
Really?! Man, it's been so long since I've done a classic one on one...

"The Druid" Erik Black
Today's your lucky day then, Samwise... now, go downstairs and get the car, then meet me out back in ten minutes. Keep it casual, dude...

(Black hands him the valet ticket and quickly hurries the confused Baxter back to the door.)

Sam Baxter
Uh... you're okay with me driving your car?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Like I give a damn; it's a rental... hurry now, TEN MINUTES!!

(Black pushes him out the rest of the way, and bolts the door behind him. He spins around, eyes probing every nook and cranny of the suite.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Okay, now where's my bong!

(CUT TO: Black.)

(FADE IN: A New ERA of Wrestling Destrucity II backdrop in a crimson color scheme hangs in the background. Old-school indeed. Greeting the camera with a smile is SAM BAXTER. Standing next to him, standing slouched and turned around the other way, the fans at home look at the backside of "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK. Slung over his shoulder is a duffel bag full of a various assortments of crap that looks like it's been lifted out of a hotel.)

Sam Baxter
Good evening, fans of New ERA of Wrestling! Sam Baxter here with an EXCLUSIVE one-on-one with one of the federation's fast rising stars, and the man that will meet Cameron Cruise in the ring at Destrucity II to determine the NEW Television Champion... "THE DRUID" Erik Black...

You've been on quite an unstoppable roll since your debut. Where many felt you would fail in light of your, uh... shall we say liberal habits, you have surprised many with your string of successes, and charismatic antics! But now you are in perhaps the most critical match of your fledgling solo career... competing for the New ERA Television Title, against an opponent who's had a remarkably successful run himself... Cameron Cruise.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Pretty far out scenario, huh? We're like two cosmic bodies, hurtling recklessly through the galaxy towards a collision course. One, or perhaps even both, will be pulverized into oblivion... but damn, dude, you gotta know that would be one sweet-ass explosion!

Sam Baxter
Maybe... but I think the champion with that, given how earlier in the week, he was very critical of the fact that you are an outspoken user of marijuana, arguing that the substance is anything but a performance-enhancing drug.

(Black lets out a sharp whistle of amazement, and spins around to look at Sam directly.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Hot damn, Handsome Sam, can you BELIEVE THAT?! YET ANOTHER opponent doubts the DOPESMOKING WAYS of "The DRUID!"

You know, if I had a nickel for every douchebag that's tried to convince me that I can't compete at their level because I'm a stoner... I'm sure I could afford a dime.

Sam Baxter
...so, by the match, only two people?

"The Druid" Erik Black
A dime of dank, I mean.

Sam Baxter
Ah...

(Black turns his attention directly to the camera.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
But seriously, Cam Cruise... that sort of narrow-minded mentality didn't help any of my previous opponents... why do you think it should help you? I mean, dude... if you're going to open your promo by suggesting I'm nothing more than a babbling idiot, the logical thing would be to not follow it up by being just that.

You misunderstand the point completely... and even though I'm on drugs, I can pretty clearly recall never having said that the sacred weed was a performance-enhancer. Are you so sure that you aren't the one hearing things?

...are you high, Cam? Cause you talk exactly like a back-alley crack head... barely able to get out a complete sentence before you interrupt yourself with an entirely different thought.

You bring up something once said by Robin Williams -- a known aficionado of illicit and mind-altering substances -- but fail to remember quoting him. Do Greek Gods on Olympus get high to throw lightning bolts harder than they normally do? I don't know, because I have no idea what you're talking about!

And then you bring up some guy who ripped off one of the pseudonyms of the Notorious B.I.G. whom you apparently had a previous association with. Why is he important? Did he wrestle? Was this "Boogie Smallz" ever here in New ERA of Wrestling? Forgive me if I fail to see the comparison, Cameron, because I don't live in 2002. This is here and now, and regardless of whether I walk into that ring high, stone-cold sober, or tripping balls, you're mind is inevitably going to be violently twisted around four hundred and twenty degrees...

...through a stack of flaming tables.

(With Baxter standing nearby with the mic in hand, Black props an arm across his shoulder to lean his weight on the reporter. Quite casually, he pulls a joint out of his pocket with his free arm, plucks it into his mouth, and lights up. Sam can't quite tell if he's offended or humored at this point. Black inspects the joint after taking the first drag, and turns back to the camera.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
I mean, sure, a joint will help numb the pain from a knife-edge chop to the chest... but the fact is, I smoke for an entirely different purpose. I smoke the dope to think of ideas and methods that idiot douchebags like you could never think of in your small, narrow-minded perception of the world and the universe around you. I smoke to put my mind in a place and time far away from your own.

I smoke to enhance my perception... not my performance.

(Black looks to Baxter, waving a finger around his face.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
And that's where we draw the line in the sand between myself and him, Sam. It all comes down to the perception of reality versus the concept of reality. As I've said many times before, reality is subjective.

I got my "Reality Check" years ago under the influence of shrooms, when I saw the sky split open and the fires of the universe spit forth legions of U.F.O.s invading the spaceship earth. I put my mind and body light years through universe and saw the meteor that will inevitably turn this planet and all of its people into spacedust. That's my idea of reality... and who is he to say I'm wrong?

But through the eyes of Cameron Cruise, the "end-all, be-all" of this sport is to be "DAH BEST EVAH!!"... and the only -- the ONLY -- way to get to this vague and undefined void supposedly at the "pinnacle" of the professional wrestling mountain, is to seal win after win.

(Black shrugs, and looks back to the camera.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
To quote the Dude, for those at home who aren't Lebowski-savvy... "Well, hey... that's just, like, uh... your opinion, man."

The popular belief on this tiny little planet is that grass is naturally green and the sky is naturally blue. WRONG! It just LOOKS that way! Does Cameron Cruise have any idea how the HUMAN EYE works as it registers the spectrum of light reflecting off of terrestrial plant-life and the atmosphere?!

Popular belief does not make a popular opinion true. Centuries ago, the popular belief was that there was only a single ocean spanning from Europe and Africa to the Asian coast. But then brave explorers caravanned out past the known horizon, and discovered the New Land which we call home.

Given the fact that nobody yet has been able to outlast "The Druid", one could say I've gone against the popular belief that drug-users don't make good wrestlers. Could it be that I'm the "real" deal, Sam... or am I just some babbling idiot enjoying an idiot luck streak?

Sam Baxter
Uhm... do you really want me to answer that?

"The Druid" Erik Black
That's okay, Samwise... I know you don't have the answer. Nobody -- not Cruise, not even myself has the answer to that question. And to be frank, I don't really care... because it's been one hell of a ride so far.

(He turns his attention back to the camera, arm now draped completely over Baxter's shoulder. With the bag over his shoulder, this all looks vaguely reminiscent of Jake "The Snake" Roberts leaning on Michael St. John at the Heroes of Wrestling Pay Per View.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
I'm not going to rule out the possibility of me being a fluke up until now, Cam... and I never denied that you have talent. I mean, you've got a belt, so that must mean something... according to you anyway.

But lets look at the indisputable facts here, Cam... I've outlasted technical purists, old-school veterans, Oklahoman prototypes, Asian giants, amnesiacs, and former champions alike. I'm living proof that no matter how confident you are in your belief that you have the edge because you're sober, anything can -- and inevitably will -- happen. It's the whim of the universe.

Sam Baxter
"The whim of the universe"... are you referring to the "spirits" and "entities" your opponent alleged you believed in?

"The Druid" Erik Black
You know, Sam... I've done a lot of drugs before, but... I don't specifically recall EVER saying this massive Universe of ours was controlled by "spirits" or any such nonsense like that. Given the scale of the universe en masse, it would be downright ridiculous to believe that this inferior sentient race on this insignificant blue planet is in any way, shape, or form the center of everything.

Chalk that up to Cam just trying to shove words into my mouth, leaving it all the more confusing as to why he would suggest I join one of the three principle religions that existed in the Holy Land around the time of the Crusades. He can't actually knock my skills given the results I get, so he has to make up this crap to make it sound like he's bursting someone's bubble.

Sam Baxter
Why then, if you don't mind me asking, all the regalia? Why call yourself "The Druid?" I mean, aren't you the guy that worships a stoner rock power trio from the early nineties in an almost religious sense?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Well, YEAH, man, but that's all just theatrics! Call it a parody of your conventional organized religions, or better yet, call it a more open-minded and free-thinking alternative. My religion is to believe whatever the hell you feel like... whether it be Lovecraft's Chtonian space beasts, Norse Gods in Valhalla, or -- in the case of Cam Cruise -- Flying Poop Monsters.

As to what controls the Universe though... the true "whim" of the Universe... the only answer is that it controls itself. Cameron Cruise controls nothing but his own ability. Everything else is in the hands of coincidence. The referee, the fans, the condition of the ring, the junk they stash under the ring, the ply of the tables, the quality of the food he eats before the show... and, most importantly, his opponent... none of these things are in his control. Yet all of these are potential factors in our match, and all of them are the culminations of countless events and decisions compiled on top of each other.

In a very possible scenario, we could walk into that ring. Cameron Cruise could mop the floor with my face for a straight fourteen minutes and thirty seconds -- something he'd likely boast about being able to do. Then in the moment of truth, I could pop out some unbelievable trick off the top rope that causes his head to explode in sheer amazement.

(With another puff, he flashes a cocky smirk to the camera.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
By your logic, that would make me "the better man", right?

Brag all you want about the names you've taken, because YOU CAN'T in all honesty GUARANTEE victory. And to be perfectly frank, that actually forces me to pity you just a little bit. See, Cameron... your career depends on winning this match. If I lose, hey man... no problem; I'm not here to prove I have the biggest swinging dick in the locker room. But if you lose, well... it would be a different story.

It would be a reality check that you won't like and probably won't accept! I mean, a person of your SUPER AWESOME MAGNITUDE being bested by a hapless stoner?! It would completely ruin your image, and prove that you are legitimately filled to the brim of your own self-important bullshit.

(His usual lackadaisical smirk broadens slightly as he lets out the hit. How long was he holding that in? After a fit of coughing all over the reporter he's using for support, he looks to the camera again.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
But hey, man... I guess if there's any consolation, I can take that belt off you and set you on your way to nabbing the NEW World Heavyweight Title. Of course, you'll forever bear the mark of "The Druid"... forever haunting you with the fact that once in your evidently flawless career, you were proven wrong by a man who was blazed out of his skull.

(He turns his attention back to Sam.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
But if I were a close-minded and sober jackass like him... I wouldn't get my hopes up. You know why, Samwise? Because his dream of being the best is the same dream of so many others that he hopelessly competes against.

Every John, Jeff, and Jing Gong Xiaoyu in this sport is walking down that same path to be "the indisputable best wrestler ever". A lot of people are going to end up disappointed at the end of their careers... because there can be only one man considered the very best. Even Cameron Cruise knows that until he holds the NEW World Heavyweight Title... he will never be officially recognized as the best.

Ironically, Cam was the one that compared me to Jerry Garcia... and I take that as a compliment. Jerry Garcia was a revolutionary musician, and the Grateful Dead are one of the most recognized bands in the nation, with their own underground cult following. They've immortalized themselves by being different, and treating their trade more as an art than a business.

Now... you heard of a band called Papa Roach?

Sam Baxter
Uh... yeah, I had one of their CDs... a while back, anyway.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Right... see, if I'm this federation's Jerry Bear, then Cameron Cruise is definitely the fed's douchebag lead singer of Papa Roach.

Most people remember Papa Roach, and "a while back", they were riding the wave of popularity and enjoying some mainstream success by delivering a very generic product that the industry could market to the masses. Kids ate it up, and things were going great. But where are they now? Who the hell knows... probably hanging with Boogie Smallz in the Land of People Who Couldn't Make It.

I have no doubt there's a chair there reserved for Cruise.

Like Papa Roach was ten years ago, Cameron Cruise is a one-hit wonder today. Sure, he'll sell t-shirts and make a fat living... but eventually, people will realize he is not the special chosen one he believes that will revolutionize the face of the industry... and despite whatever success he finds at the peak of his career, it won't ever establish his legacy as "the best ever."

(With another long drag from the joint, now almost a roach, Black looks off beyond time and space, a feint twinkle in his dilated eye.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Me? I dare to ask... must the wrestling industry be the same as the music industry? Can't I approach the ring and look at it as an artform as opposed to a "must-win" situation? Must everybody subject themselves to the shackles of the rat race in pursuit of petty fame and fortune? You could almost say it's been my life's work to prove otherwise... liberating the masses from the illusion of mediocrity one mind-blowing match after the next, and I'm damn proud of my efforts thus far.

I've consistently gone into the ring and walked out the winner... without ever once giving a damn about what the outcome would be. I've become one of this federation's most popular and fastest rising stars. At Destrucity II, I could walk out of the ring a champion... and to me, it would mean nothing compared to the thrill of having that capacity crowd chanting my name every time they witness me perform an unbelievable wrestling feat!

The only high that can compare to that would have to come from a really, really huge bong.

(His eyes red and lazy but his smile confident and relaxed, Black looks back to the camera... into the eyes of every man, woman, and child sitting at home.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
The thing that makes me a better man in my eyes is my unyielding and steadfast commitment to this industry, and regardless of how I may go out of this sport -- underachieving legend-in-the-making, or jobber to the stars -- at least I can die happy knowing I was unique.

Like I asked before... what would you be without his Television Title? Another stooge in tights with a recycled claim to being the best... and that's about it. You can doubt me, Cameron, like everybody else... but win or lose, I will defy your meager concept of reality and your self-righteous definition of success.

For everybody hitting the Roulette Tables that night... I suggest betting on BLACK. Who knows? The powers of coincidence just might on your side, just like they might be on mine.

As for me? I've got my chips stacked on two special numbers...

(Roach clutched between his lips, he holds up four fingers with his right hand, and forms a backwards bunny-rabbit shape with his left hand.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
FOUR and TWENTY, baby!!

See you on the MOUNTAIN, Chrononauts!

(Lowering the aviator sunglasses over his eyes to indicate he's finished talking, "The Druid" Erik Black hands over the remains of his joint to Sam Baxter, who quite uncomfortably drops it on the floor and stamps it out. With his sack of fruit and bath towels in towl, Black turns and walks out of the right side of the frame.)

Sam Baxter
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen... the response from "The Druid" Erik Black as he gets back to preparing for his highly-anticipated match with the Television Champion!

(Black abruptly reappears and walks again out of the frame, going the other direction.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Forgot the exit's over here...

(When he's left again, Baxter flashes the camera a smile.)

Sam Baxter
Burnt-out ramblings or sage-like wisdom? One cannot be too certain, and as it appears, "The Druid" Erik Black is the very least certain of us all. One thing IS for certain, however... that this match will be one that CANNOT be missed!

Once again, this is Sam Baxter reporting for New ERA of Wrestling! We hope to see you with us in Las Vegas for Destrucity II!

(With a salutatory nod, the footage fades to black.)

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