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Television Championship: Cruise v Entertainment (c)


I spoil things.
Jan 1, 2000
Merced, California USA
"After afew years away from this end of the Wrestling Business and the phrase 'The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same' couldn't be more true."

(Fadein Cameron Cruise in the parking lot of the AllTel Arena in Little Rock, Arkansas. Dressed in blue jeans and a brand new blue "WFW:NE" T-shirt and matching Anarchy-style shades, he slowly heads toward the lockerroom entrance as he walks by an un-hooked big rig with the company logo airbrushed on the side.)

CRUISE: A few years ago when New Era had to take some time off, you did just that and took with you the New Era Television Championship...or the "Whachamacallit Title" or however it was labeled.

Sure, you had a match here and there, and I think you may have even got one over on me once...but it is what it is, especially the way things have happened for ME lately...not YOU....

Mister Entertainment...

All the BSing, the Fifth-Grade-nicknaming, the credit taken at my expense...

(Cruise raises his right hand and makes a slashing motion across his neck)

CRUISE: Over, it's KAPUT.

Not that it was really worth saying in the first place...look at you.

You placate the ego of those who actually HAVE "A Face For Radio". The only thing that probably keeps you relevant is the fact that you can distinguish the difference between a hip-toss and a Swiss watch.

(Cruise shrugs)

You're a one-trick pony in a circus that requires more than three if you know what I mean, but that's okay....for once, that makes good for you.

If anything I've learned in this business is that there's ALWAYS room for improvement. I mean, I'd be wasting my breath if I had to sit here and count off all the successes since the last time your name on a Marquee actually meant something.

Even a man of your ignorance can't sit here and tell me that you didn't hear about anything I've done. Sure, it's alittle overbearing and maybe abit arrogant...but in the grand scheme of things it's quite simple: You're sh*t.

You don't matter anymore.

"I've had better time on the sh*tter than ol' Cameo has in the ring...WOOOOOO!!!"

NO!!! Not only does that not work anymore, but you need to understand one thing and one thing clearly when we step inside the squared circle at Raucous....NOBODY WOOOOOS AROUND HERE BUT ME!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!

(Cruise settles back down before continuing. Cruise motions to himself by lightly slapping himself in the chest.)

At the end of the day Eggbert, what I'm saying here is that I'm actually trying to do you a favor.

Give up the WFW:NE Television Championship title and call a Spade a Spade; Cameron Cruise is better than you, no matter the minimal quantity of success you may have had.

Noncompliance with that is not only unacceptable, but it's only going to lead you down a path towards nothing but a "World Of Pain".

Do yourself the good deed that you can actually wake up the next day PROUD of what you had done. Doing so will not only feel good deep inside, but the extra time off could even do you better.

Not like anyone back home in Ashland, Oregon really gives a damn about you to begin with but let's face it....at least you'll have time to reminisce.

The sh*tty career you've had...the endless, boring, "Valley-Girl-esqe" comments you make just so you can assure yourself that you're still CREDIBLE.

Lord knows what you might wanna do after that first five minutes passes but you're supposedly smart enough that you got a contract from Juliet Marceau, so I'm sure that the Mexicans over in the Apple Orchard back home can throw you a bone or two.

It's a REALITY CHECK Egghead that you might not like...but one you're gonna get from the next WFW:NE Television Champion.


Cameron Cruise.

(Cruise walks up to the entrance as he heads in the building. Fadeout.)
Last edited:


I spoil things.
Jan 1, 2000
Merced, California USA
"Me, me, me, me me..."

(Fadein, the lockerroom training room at the ALLTEL Stadium in Little Rock, Arkansas. On the TV/VCR is "Matrix: Reloaded" in the "Lobby", as the movie gets paused just before Agent Smith transforms a regular Agent into one just like him. Hiding away from the camera in a lounge chair with his feet propped up on a stool, Cruise lets out an audible sigh.)

CRUISE: That's always your "M.O." isn't it Ernest??

"Look everyone...I don't know how badly he can hurt me, but I'm still willing to take that chance based on the fact that I don't know any better and that so long as I get the laugh...that's all that matters. Right??"

Sure, it's a nice elbow jab in the side, it's a light slap on the cheek, but in the example of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", you keep forgetting that after awhile...people grow tired of the same joke time in and time out, the same expense-taken insults given to them that they not only dismiss the boy....but it's nothing but bad news for the kid in the long term.

Get what I'm saying Emilio??

You see, I've never generally had a necessary problem with you outside of when we're forced to compete against each other in the ring.

But that hasn't stopped you from trying to gain credibility on my name in your promos now has it?? Of course it hasn't...like I said before, look at you.

You're the type of guy that begs for Sex, but you won't admit it in public. That's just not the type of reputation you're trying to keep when you're out 'n' about.

Then again, what do I know...maybe I might be on to something here...maybe you dress the way you dress and joke the way you joke but privately....

You're into Golden Showers, and Interspecies Erotica. You like Bukkake and Cleveland Steamers on a day where the weather runs dry and it hasn't rained in months.

Hell, you might even have it short and simple and have your way with your Proctologist outside of "Office Hours" on a regular basis.

(Cruise pauses for the thought and then continues.)

I'm not making any assumptions either way, what you do on your offtime away from the ring is very much your business....but the bottom line is this:

You're played out.

You can't run a simple promo WHEREEVER you end up at without dropping my name which means not just the simple fact that you hide a hidden attraction for me...disgusting as it may be...but desperation has set in.

Not being able to keep my name from coming out of your mouth tells me that you don't DESERVE that title around your waist.

You don't DESERVE to have it in your posession, PERIOD, and I'm going to prove that fact when we meet at Raucous.

And relinquishing your 'hold' on that title is your best option, regardless of whether or not it makes sense....it'll still be a REALITY CHECK that you just...won't like.

(Cruise reaches up with only his right arm in view as he presses 'play' on the movie.)




New member
Nov 16, 2003
Nottingham, England
[FADE IN… to rockers Airbourne, playing their smash “Runnin’ Wild” on a small stage. The camera periodically pans round, showing a vast swathe of people in a familiar studio. As the song ends, and the audience goes WILD (pun intended)

CUTTO: A lone spotlight showing a silhouette on a paper screen.

CUEUP: “Fanfare for the Common Man” as a deep-voiced announcer, possibly James Earl Jones, speaks]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen… welcome to the stage… the most entertaining man in existence… Mr. Entertainment!

[CUEUP: “That’s Entertainment” as the paper screen burns from the top down, showing the man himself, dressed in tight-fitting Levi’s, soft brown leather boots, and a black “WFW: New ERA” T-shirt. The crowd are cheering (what is it with TV audiences that cheer manically like this?), and Mr. Entertainment soaks in the applause for several seconds, his entire appearance oozing confidence. From his back pocket, he takes out a basic microphone, adorned in a WFW: New ERA mic-flag]


Crowd: YAY!

ME: And welcome, World’s Finest Wrestling, THE NEW ERA!!

Crowd: *megapop*

ME: The place for all the best and brightest, the crème de la crème of the wrestlin’ world, where the action will be comin’ thick an’ heavy, an’, fer any fans of Peter File, hard an’ fast.

It’s a new beginnin’! We’ve got new guys on the roster, new champs, a new show in Almost Live, an’ some other new stuff tha’ I’m gonna stay hush-hush ‘bout because I don’t wanna spoil the surprise.

But suffice ta say, it’s gonna blow ANYTHING ya’ve seen before, clean outta the water.

Yup, it’s all change fer fans of the WFW an’ New ERA.

But… the more things change, the more they stay the same. There’s still war in Iraq. The Chinese are still floodin’ the world with cheap shoes.

An’ Cameron Cruise still sucks. [He shrugs]

ME: I was so psyched, ya know? Ta be back with New ERA as part of WFW: New ERA. New opponents, new chances ta show the world just how great everyone else isn’t. But then I get the bookin’ sheet an’ it says I’m goin’ up against Cammy again?

Wha’? Did I fall asleep watchin’ some of his old matches? I know they’re the perfect cure fer insomnia – hell, I’ve been prescribin’ them ta anyone who wants ta get a good kip – but this must be some kinda huge nightmare.

I mean, how many more times can I beat the crap outta the guy? It’s done, a dull repeat, beatin’ on a never-was-an-ne’er-will-be.

But say wha’ ya like ‘bout Cruise – an’ I normally do since he’s the poster-boy fer talentless hacks – he’s a survivor. If the world was a fantasy novel, he’d be one o’ those minor characters who fights in battle after battle after battle, scrapin’ through an’ survivin’ until the penultimate wall falls in a siege o’ the biggest fortress in the world.

Tha’ does mean he gets a few campaign medals from his travels. But when the chips are down, against the big dogs? When he has ta cross the battle field an’ face the torment o’ a real battle?

Well, I don’t need ta tell ya’ll tha’ he chokes quicker than a hooker facin’ her sixteenth client o’ the night.

By the way, Hi Mercedes!

[He pauses, as if he’s just realised something]

ME: Actually… comparin’ Cruise ta a hooker’s rather apt. Ya see, he likes ta say tha’ he’s won this or tha’ somewhere else, an’ I thought tha’ he was like a grizzled campaigner, fightin’ fer the good of the empire. I mean, after a few campaigns yer gonna find yerself with some gold.

But I just realised… a hooker workin’ who spreads herself aroun’ enough eventually finds a high-spendin’ client who’s willin’ ta look past the buck-teeth, the hair tha’s slicked back by somethin’ tha’ looks like gel but probably ain’t; the saggin’ breasts, the stale perfume, an’ the giant Adam’s apple, ta fling a lil’ pizzazz their way.

An’ tha’s wha’ yer like, Cammy. Spreadin’ yer legs fer everybody tha’ needs a body ta make up the numbers, takin’ the odd money-shot an’ thinkin’ it makes ya a star.

But enough ‘bout what ya get up to with Peter.

I wanna introduce my next musical guest. Now, I don’t normally do this, but after listenin’ ta Cammy spout such lunacy, I just had ta go back an’ get this guy again. Last time he was here, I beat the World Heavyweight Champ, Gentleman Jonathan Marx… I give you… WEIRD… AL… YANKOVIC!!

[CUTTO: The band area, where ‘Weird Al’ is sitting with an acoustic guitar. The tune he plays is familiar to any fan of James Blunt, but the lyrics? Well, let’s listen]

Weird Al: His life is brilliant.
Cruise’s life’s a joke.
You’re so pathetic.
You’re always broke.
Your home made world title collection
Really ain’t impressing me
You’re suffering from delusions of adequacy.

Cruise’s pitiful.
He’s pitiful.
You’re pitiful, Cammy Cruise.
Never had a date that you couldn’t inflate
And you breath is putrid too.
What a bummer being you.

Well you’re just a dweeb
And all you need
Is a shower and some plastic
But you’ll always have a job
Well I mean
As long as you’re payin’ that

You’re pitiful
Yes pitiful
You’re pitiful it’s true
You’re half undressed
Eating chips from your chest
While your watchin’ Speed two
No-one’s classier than you

La la la la
La la la la
La la la la loser

Cammy’s pitiful
He’s pitiful
He’s pitiful it’s true
His dog would much rather
Chew it’s own leg off.
He’ll still live with Joey Melton when he’s sixty two
Guess he’ll never grow a clue.
Because he’s Cameron Cruise.

[The crowd cheer as Al takes a bow, before we CUTTO Mr. Entertainment again]

ME: Couldn’ta said it better myself.

Ya see, Cammy – it doesn’t matter abou’ what ya doin’ anywhere else. It doesn’t matter tha’ yer a second-rate wannabe.

What matters, is I’m the WFW New ERA TV champ. I’m the guy who still holds the New ERA World Heavyweight, Actually Defended, Actually Held TV title. I’m one of the guys who’s made the TEAM Invitational semi-finals, an’ won the Dupree Cup. I’ve beaten all the decent world champs, boosted ratings, an’ STILL had time ta defend the honour of New ERA around the world.

Know what all tha’s got tha’ yer success elsewhere, ain’t?

It’s based HERE. In this company.

Which right now is all tha’ matters.

[He moves to the front of the stage, take a seat on the edge]

ME: Let’s be real. Ya’ve had a bit of luck of late, sure, but tha’s all it is.

It ain’t gonna change the fact tha’ yer the biggest laughing stock in any locker-room yer in.

It ain’t gonna change the fact tha’ yer a John Doe wannabe here in WFW: New ERA.

It ain’t gonna change the fact tha’ as great as ya think ya are, there’re brain-dead amoebas tha’ put up more of a fight.

An’ it ain’t gonna change the reality tha’ after Raucous, the TV title is gonna be with the only man capable of carryin’ it, an’ WFW: New ERA, ta greatness.

And tha’ ain’t you.

It’s ME.

Mister Entertainment.


[We CUTTO: Alice Cooper on the band stage, performing “Vengeance is Mine” from his “Along Came A Spider” album, as we FADE OUT]

[…and FADE IN to Mr. Entertainment standing in front of an WFW:NE backdrop]

ME: Oh, an’ Cammy? Before ya come out an’ get yer panties in a bunch, or try an’ sound like a badass? Go watch a John Doe promo, he’s got waaaay more skills than you. He’s one fer the future. An’ you?

Yer deader than the dinosaurs.



I spoil things.
Jan 1, 2000
Merced, California USA
"Before I get started making you look like an idiot Erica, I was just wondering where you got the Crank and the Heroin you've been using in your offtime....not that I care or anything, but let's just say that there's afew men here who could probably use the boost in their own habits; I just figured I'd bring family together...even if they're Crack Addicts, everyone deserves alittle family care right??"

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of a brand new "WFW:NE" backdrop, dressed in blue jeans and a black "WFW:NE" T-shirt.)

CRUISE: But business is business, and playtime is for later so I won't keep you too long from getting what Michael Jackson refuted for years.

You're late...but then again, no real Champion has time to be early anymore even if it's as pathetic as you are. But that's the least of your worries, Evelyn.

You just about covered everything I said you would in your last promo and even did yourself one better; you used a reference in an artist who makes fun of other artists for his own benefit.

Come to think of it, that's right up your alley in what you do for a living for a promo so maybe you hit on a Goldmine after all....I highly doubt it but even useless sacks of trash like you are allowed to hope.

Think about it, Eugene.

"Tell Cammy he sucks for the one thousandth time, even though it didn't phase him the last nine-hundred-ninety-nine times....CHECK. Impugn on everyone's intelligence and make fun of his ex-wife in hopes of him getting bitter and swearing this to be personal...and FAILING MISERABLY....CHECK. Assume that I'm still relevant as opposed to Cruise...even though I've not done anything since I won the title to begin with....CHECK. The best part of it all though...saying the same thing he said in an attempt to insult him despite knowing that everything he said is the bottom-line truth....MEGA-CHECK.

See, the funny thing is Eileen, while your accomplishments have been a tad impressive...are close quartered.

You said it yourself, everything is based out of being a representative of New Era, and that's okay...but you're only making yourself look bad by not venturing out and experiencing something new.

Not that I'm insinuating what you do before you take a cold shower on a lonely Saturday night...I'm talking in reference to something PROFESSIONAL.

But what you forget that it takes more than just a tournament win with a trophy to insure people that you're the real deal; it's doing the same or reaching the top of a particular peak in a company that causes people to notice.

Like when WFW merged with New Era.

(Cruise reaches outta frame and slaps both WFW Tag Team titles on each of his shoulders.)

That's right, you forgot about that. Not that this is supposed to make any more than the point I'm pushing across at the moment, but bear with me.

I'm more successful than you, in any form of the definition, in any facet of the wrestling circuit. I've performed in front of Hugh Hefner and the Playboy bunnies in the Grotto, so there's no way in hell that I can be poor, much less broke.

There's nothing that you can say Eva, that I can't prove you wrong about.

You got one or two over on me in the past before Juliet Marceau put the company on 'hiatus'.

You wanna cookie??

Things have changed since then, that's true. But I'm also on a roll that not many people can put a stop to, if even temporarily.


You barely show up once every few months to earn a paycheck big enough that keeps the Electricity and Water running, and you call that a LIVING.

Hell, Elmer I call that SATURDAY NIGHT.

You don't deserve that title, you never did. But it's good to know that you're still delusional in the sense that you can disagree.

Because it's only going to allow me to produce a REALITY CHECK for you that'll be much more sweeter than originally thought.

Just not to you.




New member
Nov 16, 2003
Nottingham, England
Take two

[FADE IN, to Mr. Entertainment sitting infront of a WFW:New ERA backdrop, holding what looks like a betting slip]

ME: Boy did I guess right. Didn't I call it? Cameron Cruise comin' out, spoutin' the same stuff Rocko Daymon, Joey Melton, an' thousands of other wannabes, gettin' his panties in a twist.

But with odds of three ta one, it wasn't hard ta guess. The guy's like a broken record, only a helluva lot less useful.

But then it’s probably all the speed he’s doin’. I mean, Campy – are ya tryin’ ta sound like a hummingbird’s wings? I’m havin’ ta slow down yer tapes ta get a glimpse of what yer sayin’!

Maybe it was a bad thing Marcus got rid o’ tha’ drug-testin’ policy ta make way fer MWG et al.

But seriously, John… oh, wait, I’m not facing John Doe this week. Easy mistake, lemme start again.

But seriously, Rocko… dammit!

[He pauses, pondering and checking names off a mental list]

ME: Benjamin… Larry… Alex… Felix… no… now I had it a minute ago… Jared?

Cameron! Tha’s it! How could I forget you? Besides the fact yer the same as pretty much everyone else on the roster, except a teeeeny bit less talented.

An’ tha’ takes some talent given the jackasses we’ve got.

But I guess I can’t blame ya. I mean, yer a known dunce. Just look a’ the number of places you say yer in – who needs ta be in tha’ many places ta make a livin’? Then again, when yer a glorified curtain-jerker like you ya can’t expect ta make the big bucks like ME

Mister Entertainment.

It’s just kinda sad tha’ ya’ve gotta take so many jobs on, ya know? I know that I make more money in a day than you make in a month, but then I’m talented in my own right an’ don’t need ta go aroun’ winnin’ titles thanks to or with other people.

Ya see, Cammy, tha’s another difference between you… an’ ME

Mister Entertainment.

Not only do I have a life an’ career outside wrestlin’ (keep an’ eye out fer Entertainment Flakes – the breakfast of superstars! In stores soon), but in the ring I don’t actually need ta be part of a little club or team ta get the big dubyas. I’ve looked back through yer career, an’… I ain’t actually impressed with yer title wins.

A tennis racket, Jim? Make up yer mind, are ya on speed an’ talkin’ a billion words a second, or are ya stuck in the late eighties?

But I guess tha’s wha’ happens when ya wrestle in twenty kagillion places earnin’ abou’ twenty grand a year.

Now, before ya start whinin’ an’ cryin’ an’ do yer usual stuff, like:

Get a gang o’ equally mindless misfits ta let ya carry their bags through airports in the hope they’ll help ya ou’ at RAUCOUS (which is pretty much wha’ yer doin’ everywhere these days, talk abou’ lame)…

Make the same tired homophobic insinuations as every other fifth grader…

Run through a tired checklist happily fergettin’ tha’ with only abou’ two exceptions outta all the times we’ve squared off, ya’ve been slaughtered…

Make a grandiose claim abou’ bein’ on some hot-streak, ignorin’ point one abou’ bein’ a bag carrier fer other curtain jerkers an’ over-the-hill losers…

Do the whole “reality check” thing despite how tired it got years before even Joey Melton started wrestlin’

Before ya start doin’ all tha’ again, lemME

Mister Entertainment

Break down what’s gonna happen between now, an’ RAUCOUS.

Yer gonna come back on screen an’ spout tired crap, I’m gonna come out an’ boost the ratin’s while at the same time pickin’ up another hundred K fer twenty minutes work, yer… probably gonna do the same tired crap fer a fifth time because ya’ve got nothin’ better ta do… an’ at RAUCOUS we’re gonna square off, yer gonna get destroyed, an’ ME?

Mister Entertainment?

I’m gonna be walking outta the ALLTEL an’ inta the BJCC, Humphrey Coliseum, FedEx, an’ every other arena until the MGM Grand Garden fer Destrucity, with the WFW: New ERA TV championship.

An’ there ain’t thing number one ya can do abou’ it, because yer Cameron Cruise, who’s slightly less talented than a dead skunk, an’ I’m… ME.

Mister Entertainment.

Now, if ya’ll don’t mind, I’ve gotta go place another bet on how Cammy’s gonna react. My bet, he’ll try an’ point out I always remind people who I am, an’ he’ll have it up in the next… thirty minutes ago.

[He winks, as we FADE OUT]


I spoil things.
Jan 1, 2000
Merced, California USA
CUT!! That's a wrap!!

"This is just great...I've all but used Emily's Crayons to illustrate my point to him about how much he's wasting WFW:NE's camera film by showing up and he still doesn't get it."

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an WFW:NE backdrop. Dressed in an orange WFW:NE T-shirt and jeans, he shakes his head and shrugs.)

CRUISE: Sad thing is...it's so easy...even a CAVEMAN gets it.

(Cruise flashes a quick smile as he continues.)

Ellen, you keep forgetting one thing about being the Television Champion; you might be tired of hearing 'the same stuff Rocko Daymon, Joey Melton, an thousands of other wannabes' but the fact of the matter is that you've never beaten men like ROCKO DAYMON and JOEY MELTON.

So you wouldn't exactly know what it is to be weary of hearing the same thing over and over again, especially since my rate of booked matches is about five-thousand-percent higher in frequency than you.

You couldn't POSSIBLY know what it's like to be a wanted man in a business as ruthless as this. Not like say....ME....CAMERON CRUISE.

You keep dropping John Doe's name like it's supposed to make some sort of sense to me....the kid just ain't that great, and he never HAS BEEN.

But I can see where less-than-no-talent-hack like YOU might be impressed by someone like HIM so I suppose it's forgivable.

But then again, I'm abit more compassionate than most so you'd have to understand that others might just tell you to go to hell...and I'd laugh my ass off in the process.

'Course you think a man like myself having the success that I do is a 'glorified CURTAIN-JERKER', so everything seems to be justified.

Everyone but you that is.

You wanna know why it is a man living in such bliss as myself gets the booking that I do??

It's called "Supply and Demand".

They demand a performance...and I give it to 'em...which is more than I can say for you, Mister One-Match-Every-Three-Months.

Or perhaps I should turn the sound up abit so you can hear me better since you missed it the first time.

What you make for a paycheck...I spend on a daily basis, not because I'm high maintenance, but that's just the way it is. The amount you make per paycheck is about the same amount I spend on a weekend of recreation with my crew.

That...and you can't keep poppin' in on the Playboy Mansion every few months like me and smoke freshly rolled cigars with Hugh Hefner if you don't have the rep like I do.

And I do.

I've been winning titles in more than one place Edgar, not because it's nice to know that I've got Gold, but more of a reward for the effort I put in pursuing the ambition.

That's right...I said AMBITION. Half the reason a man should have for even THINKING about succeeding in this business.

Not that defending what you have is....ya know....the reason you have the WFW:NE Television title to begin with.

But it's good to know what you think about my having friends and people that give a damn about me, unlike you who apparently...according to all assumptions....doesn't.

(Mocks a 'thumbs up'.)

I'm sure I'll sleep better at night.

The difference between you and I though, Edwin...is that the money that's coming to MY wallet for a performance like I put on...DOESN'T have a picture of the Monopoly guy in the center.

After all...you're not the one they wanna see anyway let alone come out on top, so why bother??

Think about this Erwin...if I'm so much MORE successful than you and I'm less-talented than a dead skunk....how badly do you need to be somewhere else right now??

I'm showing up at Raucous Edwardo, and I'm going to TAKE the WFW:NE Television title, not just because it's the right thing to do...but because it's a REALITY CHECK that you just...won't like.



New member
Nov 16, 2003
Nottingham, England
Just like I guessed, Cammy's dumber than a box of rocks

[FADE IN. The camera angle is a little high, like a CCTV or webcam angle, but we see that Mr. Entertainment is sitting in a sound-booth, wearing those can headphones which give a great sound but look kind of weird. You know, the ones that radio presenters or voiceovers wear when they’re working. When he first speaks, after several seconds, it’s in a rather silly voice, cheesy and chipper, but with an almost faultless Japanese accent]

ME: Rainen mata nihon ni ikitai to omoumasu!

[He pumps his fist as he says the final word, his eyes watching a TV monitor intently but his general demeanour calm and casual. A couple more seconds go by before]

ME: Bai bai!

[And he listens through his headphones to a voice from outside the studio, nodding a little]

ME: Yeah, that’s cool. Listen, mind if you run that tape I gave ya? I wanna give somethin’ a quick watch an’ send somethin’ fer the guys an’ gals over in the States ta mull over… yeah? ‘Course I’ll be at the dinner, wouldn’t miss this premiere fer the world. Cool, cool. Thanks again, man.

[We quickly FADE OUT as we start to hear Cameron Cruise’s voice, Mr. Entertainment taking his headphones off.

We FADE IN again, hearing the end of Cameron Cruise’s latest tape, and, as Cruise finishes speaking, we’re straight back to Mr. Entertainment himself, looking up at the camera and slightly shaking his head]

ME: An’ here we go again! Boy, ya can really set yer watch by this guy, can’t ya?

An’ somethin’ else ya can count on, apart from him bein’ dull, is him gettin’ his facts wrong. Like him fergettin’ tha’ I do actually hold a win over Crockodillicus Daymonicus, with the title on the line no less. Yeah, sure, I ain’t pinned the guy, but hey – how many guys are as nice as ME

Mister Entertainment

An’ would let Crocko-s[beep] hit ‘em with the Brain Rocker Redux, lay there while he cut a piece, an’ not harp on abou’ it fer weeks afterwards even though he’s just another world champ tha’ they’ve beaten?

Oh, what, Cammy? The fact I didn’t mention yer tag title win gives ya some reason ta ferget the fact I have beaten Rocko? Or are ya just spread so thin sellin’ yerself fer a buck ninety nine a pop tha’ yer brains’re more scrambled than even I thought possible?

Hell, the fact ya think tha’ John Doe’s some kinda threat in my eyes just says it all. In case ya weren’t payin’ attention – an’ God knows it’s hard enough when yer stuck in the baggage department on the flight between towns ‘cause yer last gig didn’t even give ya breathin’ money – he’s someone who’s slightly better than you.

Though admittedly tha’ ain’t sayin’ much, seein’ as how you are abou’ the lowest guy on any totem pole.

Oh, sorry, did I spoil it for ya, Cammy? Did I let slip tha’ despite whatever luck ya’ve had outside WFW: New ERA of late, people still find ya ta be the comedy act, somewhere between the guy wrestlin’ a bear, an’ the midget world title? Sorry, tha’ was meant ta be a surprise fer yer birthday. I guess the guys in the back will just havta go with the traditional “Let’s get ‘im a cheeseburger so he can taste somethin’ other than his own faeces” tha’s normally yer birthday present from the boys.

But at a buck ninety nine a match I suppose I can’t blame ya fer takin’ every bookin’ from someone with a spot on the card ta fill because I turned the gig down. Hey, I’ve got my actin’, voice an’ public speakin’ work, not ta mention a promotion’s company ta run, an’ you’ve got the only thing yer good at.

Rollin’ around in back alleys fer dimes.


Mister Entertainment?

Shall we just say this one spot ta camera – not the voiceover work before it, just this bit ta you – is payin’ a cool hundred k. Tha’s the great thing abou’ havin’ a brain an’ some talent, ya get ta negotiate yer own contract an’ still end up with more money than the world champ.

But yer probably thinking, well, if I’m so smart, an’ wealthy, why am I still wrestlin’? I mean, sure, I could retire now, but tha’ wouldn’t be fair on people like Cameron Cruise now, would it? The guy’s comin’ off a reincarnation where he somehow got the body of a ‘roided up slug! How’s he supposed ta survive when the ratings PLUMMET because I’m not on the show any longer? Hell, fer this one match, I actually managed ta get ‘im a nice lil’ bonus.

Not more money, because anythin’ above a five he starts ta eat so he can say he’s had his greens fer the day, but a nice bonus nonetheless.

Yep, I’m gonna get Hugh ta let ya inta another party. I’ve known the guy years, before I broke inta this business. Bet ya didn’t know tha’, huh? I was a model at the time an’ just happened ta MC one of his parties.

Why ain’t I mentioned tha’ before? Because, unlike a certain… you… I don’t need ta name-drop famous friends in a bid ta get some legitimacy. If I did, well… let’s put it this way, the gossip mags would start FLYIN’ off the shelves.

Respectin’ their privacy. It’s wha’ a nice guy like ME

Mister Entertainment


[He adjusts his seat, letting his words sink in a little]

ME: Ya see, Cammy? We’re right where I said we’d be. Yer makin’ assumptions abou’ ME

Mister Entertainment.

Yer makin’ the tired ol’ “Reality Check” spiel. Yer makin’ the fifth grade insults, an’ claimin’ ta yer winnin’ gold in other companies (a) has nothin’ ta do with the bags yer carryin’, an’ (b), actually matters here in WFW: New ERA.

Lemme let ya in on another secret, Cammy. This ain’t ‘everywhere else’. This is somewhere where the talent actually has… talent. Albeit mediocre talent except fer a few, but talent nonetheless.

Gold elsewhere? Means nothin’ here. Wins elsewhere, mean nothin’ here. Spendin’ a buck fifty on a shirt like the one ya wore last piece-ta-camera ya did? Well, tha’ does mean somethin’ here, but I don’t wanna insult hobos.

Now – my guess, Cammy? Yer gonna come out with yer panties in a bunch again, spoutin’ similar nonsense ta what ya’ve already said. It’s what ya do, I can respect tha’.

But at RAUCOUS? When the greatest belt in WFW: New ERA is on the line?

Yer gonna be beaten. Simple as tha’.

But I’ll make it quick, so ya can go abou’ spreadin’ yer legs fer success in companies A through double Z tha’ ya work fer.

Maybe one day you’ll win somethin’ on yer own. It just won’t be at the ALLTEL Arena.

Now, if you’ll excuse ME

Mister Entertainment,

I’ve gotta go have dinner fer the premiere o’ this lil’ ad.

I wonder if I can get Stefani a ticket…

Oh, an’ Cammy? At least let the camera crew take a nap before ya next bit, I could hear the cameraman snorin’ through yer last one.



I spoil things.
Jan 1, 2000
Merced, California USA
Re: Just like I guessed, Cammy's dumber than a box of rocks

"Psst. Hey Essay. Check it out...you remember the points I made?? They left you high an' dry on the first boat outta town. DAYS ago."

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of the same WFW:NE backdrop in the same clothes.)

Gotta tell ya though...it's getting to be as tittilating as Condeleeza Rice sliding down a fireman's pole listening to you reach around for something to hold onto while you get sent off the edge of the cliff.

Sure, the comparison's about as idiotic as you are pathetic, but then again...it's you I'm talking about here so it doesn't much matter one way or another.

You managed to get a win over Rocko even though you never actually PINNED him....your words not mine....I'm not sure that's a real win that you oughta be braggin' about. 'less of course you're alittle mentally challenged, and let's face it...with the face for radio like the one you have...it's not too far off.

How do I know??

For one...you actually take the time out to address John Doe in your partner as if it's supposed to be a real issue for me.

The kid can't even defeat Chiquita Banana in a "Walk The Plank" match, and you think he's got more skill than I do??

Hell, just for that you're lucky I don't call up Chief Marcus and have legal action taken against you so that I don't end up the new WFW:NE Television Champion due to the fact that you've not enough brains in your head that I've got more skill in my left pinkie finger than the both of them have altogether.

And like I said before about being more successful than you, just call it what it is; in your eyes I'm a man of no-talent but in everyone else's....I'm about the most popular guy TO DATE.


A box of rocks has more action in the booking committee than you do.

But trust me Efrain, you can't hack it on my level....otherwise I promise you that you'd get an invite PERSONALLY to a party hosted by Cameron Cruise and the boys.

That's why you're stuck home alone or doing D-rated commercials and contracting failing product and producing for low-rated companies in Japan.

It's a bit of stretch but think about it, Edna.

You're stuck overseas doing work that you couldn't pay men like ROCKO DAYMON and/or JOEY MELTON to do on a DARE, and (that's saying something considering some of the things I've seen Joey do.) I could probably count the amount of times you've been booked over the last year on just one hand but doing so would only keep me from
getting this over with so I could warm up for what might be the most enjoyable event since Manny Ramirez getting suspended fifty games for getting busted with FEMALE FERTILITY DRUGS.

I mean, it's one thing to get caught 'Roiding up....Dan Ryan had to go through the same ordeal in the "'Roid-Rage Scandal'" of afew years ago so it's not like it's anything impressive....but being busted for Fertility Drugs??

That's just asking to have your "Manhood-card" revoked.

But I digress, the fact is Eyore, being the champion that you're SUPPOSED to be...you're not alloted the CHOICE to turn down a gig....and here you are ABUSING the privilage of BEING the Television Champion.

Because that's exactly what the job ENTAILS, to be a WORKING MAN'S champion...something that the Blue Collar class of this country can relate to.

And you're looking at it.

(The Camera temporarily cuts to an up close shot)

Hence the whole "work hard, play harder" analogy I used before. But seeing as you can't help but to ignore the fact that I make more than you do and spend it without a moments notice and a thought should tell you that just how well off I am.

But as far as you and Hugh Hefner is concerned, boy don't kid yourself...everyone knows that that man is a FRAUD and the REAL Hef wouldn't have anything to do with a scumbag like you.

Regardless of the evidence involved, it's simple Erik:

INGENUOUS INGENUITY, I have it and you don't.

That and I've been hanging out with Hugh since just before your finding out that you got a penis.

HAD a penis, who knows...after all, you're the one that was barely able to show his face more often than the moon does per month so go figure.

(Camera cuts to another short close up of Cruise)

But it's nice to know that you're stealing Joey Tribbiani's street cred over in Osaka for the lipstick/lip balm he advertised for almost ten years ago.

Plagiarism will get you no where, sir.

Privacy doesn't really mean anything unless people make it a point to bring the press conferences/questioning to a point where it actually BOTHERS you.

People just plain FORGOT about you and let your name fall off the face of the planet.

Interesting how you make a claim on the fact that Gold elsewhere means nothing here though, seeing as the first time you poisoned cameras with your face you were OH-SO-PROUD of the fact that you won the Dupree Cup and FAILED to win the TEAM Invitational.

TEAM events have no bearing on what happens in WFW:NE right??

So then not only would that make you a scumbag, that makes you a HYPOCRITE to boot!!

Tsk, tsk, tsk....and you're intent on keeping your face as the representative for what WFW:NE has as it's Television Champion.

But don't worry...once I beat you clean of your senses and take the WFW:NE Television title you can go back to Osaka and spend the rest of the year working on what goes good with the eye-liner you have on back order for Mary Kay Cosmetics and Avon.

Look on the brightside though Ezekiel, you might find better luck promoting that then what you do for this business...Billy Mays made a killing at it, so why not you??

Too soon??

That's what I keep hearing about when it comes to Michael Vick but he's doing well himself.

Take it as a sermon, take it as a sale's pitch, take it right up the ass from Peter File if you must. But one way or another...this is gonna be a REALITY CHECK, you just...won't like.


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